Post-break up self-blame

[gothowitz]

Have any of you guys and girls experienced going through a "Maybe it was really more of my actions that triggered his/her distancing himself/herself from me or completely breaking up with me?" phase after you ended a relationship? I'm going through this now, and although I know that a big part of me is saying that I'm being irrational for feeling this way (he decided to unceremoniously ignore me for one week after a camping trip and five months of dating--very immature), there are moments during my day, when I can't help but introspect and think that maybe if I did one or two things differently then things wouldn't have fallen apart. How do you deal with these feelings?

[dicky_fish]

I'll let you know when I find out.

 

I've been broken up for nearly 2 months and all I keep asking myself is why wasn't I good enough. I keep affirming myself that I am a good man and don't deserve the treatment my girlfriend put me through, but it doesn't last very long cause once again the question of my worth keeps popping up.

 

Sorry it's not much help in dealing with it, but at least you aren't alone.

[gothowitz]

I'll let you know when I find out.

 

I've been broken up for nearly 2 months and all I keep asking myself is why wasn't I good enough. I keep affirming myself that I am a good man and don't deserve the treatment my girlfriend put me through, but it doesn't last very long cause once again the question of my worth keeps popping up.

 

Sorry it's not much help in dealing with it, but at least you aren't alone.

 

It's a sucky thing to bond over, but I find comfort in knowing that I'm not the only one going through this. I know that I made the wise decision, what's objectively the right decision, but when feelings of loss and missing the other person suddenly crop up, I feel like I have to start all over again to convince myself why. I've been listening to self-help audiobooks for almost three whole days now, and almost everything that the speaker discussed about "immature men" described my ex, but there's this tiny voice in my head saying, "Sure, he was immature, but you weren't perfect either."

[onlyafool]

Have any of you guys and girls experienced going through a "Maybe it was really more of my actions that triggered his/her distancing himself/herself from me or completely breaking up with me?" phase after you ended a relationship? I'm going through this now, and although I know that a big part of me is saying that I'm being irrational for feeling this way (he decided to unceremoniously ignore me for one week after a camping trip and five months of dating--very immature), there are moments during my day, when I can't help but introspect and think that maybe if I did one or two things differently then things wouldn't have fallen apart. How do you deal with these feelings?

 

I think we all do this. I know I did with my latest break up. Its a part of the process where one SHOULD be introspective. Nobody's perfect, everyone knows this. But take that introspection, be honest with yourself and own up to the things you may have done wrong to get you to this point. Depending on whether you are in NC or not, it's your choice whether or not to share what you've learned as being faults with him/her.

 

It's not easy, being honest with oneself, but in the end it will serve you best in the future.

 

On another note, part of being in a relationship is having your loved one communicate what they see (likes AND dislikes) so that the other person knows. When one partner shuts down and distances themselves, like yours did, that doesn't help the situation. To have a lasting relationship, you have got to share these things with your partner, keeping in mind that it's all in the delivery.

[gothowitz]

I think we all do this. I know I did with my latest break up. Its a part of the process where one SHOULD be introspective. Nobody's perfect, everyone knows this. But take that introspection, be honest with yourself and own up to the things you may have done wrong to get you to this point. Depending on whether you are in NC or not, it's your choice whether or not to share what you've learned as being faults with him/her.

 

It's not easy, being honest with oneself, but in the end it will serve you best in the future.

 

On another note, part of being in a relationship is having your loved one communicate what they see (likes AND dislikes) so that the other person knows. When one partner shuts down and distances themselves, like yours did, that doesn't help the situation. To have a lasting relationship, you have got to share these things with your partner, keeping in mind that it's all in the delivery.

 

I did have this tendency to get quiet whenever I was frustrated with him, but only because I was thinking of how to express myself without sounding as though I was blaming or criticizing him. I explained that to him about myself and told him that I was working on this problem. Toward the end of the relationship, I think I got more and more quiet 'cause he did things that didn't make me feel good about our relationship or myself. I think he got even more frustrated with that. Part of me was also afraid I guess 'cause I had a few experiences opening up to him about things that I felt uncomfortable with in our relationship, and he'd snap at me or say I was overanalyzing things. Since he never said to me upfront that it bothered him that much, I thought he was trying to be patient and understanding, and I even thanked him for that. Until the very end, I tried to communicate with him, but he just pretty much disappeared on me.

Edited July 19, 2011 by gothowitz

[moontiger]

Have any of you guys and girls experienced going through a "Maybe it was really more of my actions that triggered his/her distancing himself/herself from me or completely breaking up with me?" phase after you ended a relationship? I'm going through this now, and although I know that a big part of me is saying that I'm being irrational for feeling this way (he decided to unceremoniously ignore me for one week after a camping trip and five months of dating--very immature), there are moments during my day, when I can't help but introspect and think that maybe if I did one or two things differently then things wouldn't have fallen apart. How do you deal with these feelings?

 

I am going through that now. I keep wondering...what if I'd tried harder to show an interest in the music and comics and gaming that he was so passionate about? What if I'd been more open-minded and respectful of his interests, even if I didn't share them myself?

 

Would he not have felt so lonely that, while holding me in his arms, with me telling me how much I loved him, he began to cry?

 

Would he not have told me he did not find me physically attractive?

 

Would he not have left me, after 1.5 years and a four month engagement?

 

I know he wasn't perfect. I know how mean and cold and angry he could be, and how unhappy I was sometimes.

 

Yet I can't stop wondering--how much of it was my fault?

Edited July 19, 2011 by moontiger

[gothowitz]

I am going through that now. I keep wondering...what if I'd tried harder to show an interest in the music and comics and gaming that he was so passionate about? What if I'd been more open-minded and respectful of his interests, even if I didn't share them myself?

 

Would he not have felt so lonely that, while holding me in his arms, with me telling me how much I loved him, he began to cry?

 

Would he not have told me he did not find me physically attractive?

 

Would he not have left me, after 1.5 years and a four month engagement?

 

I know he wasn't perfect. I know how mean and cold and angry he could be, and how unhappy I was sometimes.

 

Yet I can't stop wondering--how much of it was my fault?

 

I think self-blame comes easy, because it's easier to blame or criticize ourselves that we have control over, as opposed to our exes. On a rational level, I know that how my ex acted or felt towards me is not a reflection of my worth as a person, but it's hard to argue with feelings that sometimes make you ask what dicky_fish said, "Was I not good enough?"

[Sugarkane]

I also wonder the same thing. My ex never said he was unhappy until the day we brokeup. I had no idea, then he basically cruelly dumped me and cut me off completely. I wonder why he accused me of not communicating, when he bottled everything up and then dumped me.

[radrluv72]

Oh, I've been going through a horrible cycle of self-blame since my ex dumped me over 7 months ago. At the base of all of it, I'm my own worst critic, and consider myself to be a constant work in process. The day I think that I think I've learned all that I need to, that's the day that I've done myself in. Remembering that always manages to keep me open-minded.

 

Three weeks after my ex broke up with me--which was the last time I actually had a conversation with him, even if it was via FB chat--he'd said that I'd done nothing wrong. But being the person that I am, can I take that at face value? Of course not, especially with all the pain that I was in. In my mind and in my heart, I thought there must have been something that I did wrong in order for him to break up with me so abruptly. I picked apart every single little detail of everything he said the night he ended things. I tried reading relationship articles online, talking to friends for feedback...absolutely nothing helped because it was always the end result: I lost the love of my life, the one person that I was disgustingly happy with, the person that I thought that I finally had been looking for so long...and I still lost him. After years of horrible relationships, I finally discovered what it was like to be genuinely happy in a relationship, and it was gone. I must have done something to feel like I was being punished for some gargantuan sin.

 

All these months later--over 6 of them being in NC with my ex--most of the emotional pain is gone, but I still have my moments. The way I see things, there are 3 sides to every story in a breakup. His side, her side, and what really happened that only outsiders can observe.

 

With my ex, in my eyes, it was a multitude of factors. On the verge of a 6 month deployment to Afghanistan, not knowing if he going to come home in one piece or even if he would at all, I don't think was really ready to deal emotionally with me & his deployment at the same time. He was younger than me (by 14 years), and while there were a lot of parts of him that were wise beyond his years, I don't think relationships with women was an area that he'd grown a lot in. We happened very quickly and he did everything that someone does when they want you to be a part of their life...but in the end I think he was really confused & scared. The manner in which he broke up with me screamed of fear & desperation. Knowing that, that's probably the part of the breakup that I don't think I can hold against him.

 

My own error(s) in the relationship...well, I think I was too selfish with my time. Frequently my ex would try to create spontaneous romantic moments for the two of us, and frequently, I would be the big wet blanket. Did my ex have some unrealistic expectations of what being in a relationship was like? Maybe. But now that I look back at those moments where I was a killjoy, I regret being somewhat selfish with my free time when it came to him. I wouldn't at all be surprised if my actions may have caused some doubt with him when it came to me. One of the first things I learned about my ex when I started seeing him was that he wasn't exactly the most secure person but he was clearly into me...I kind of wish that maybe I had handled his feelings a little more delicately until I was more sure about my own.

 

As far as everyone else...my friends at least, were shocked when I broke the news that my ex had broken up with me. Everyone's got an opinion, but out of everyone, it was my closest guy friend who gave me some real insight on maybe why what happened, happened...and still to this day, tells me that I need to quit blaming myself. Last week, after months of my own vicious circle, I finally told myself that I'd been spending way too much time over the past 7 months thinking about my ex, and not enough about me. Next thing I know, I'm back to taking care of me again.

 

What the bottom line is this: no one is perfect...we're not designed to be. We have to open enough and honest enough with ourselves to recognize mistakes that we may have made in past relationships, whether innocent or not. But after that, we have to find a way to forgive ourselves & move on, even if the cost of those mistakes was greater than we ever anticipated. Making mistakes doesn't mean that we're not worthy of the things we want or need in a potential companion or in a relationship. If we can't find it in us to forgive ourselves for our mistakes, then clearly we don't love ourselves as we should. And we can't find in us to love ourselves...well, what business do we have even being in relationships & trying to love another person? That's not even healthy.

 

I have some regrets, but for now, they'll just have to be what they'll be. I'm sure my ex has them as well, but I just have a feeling because of how his life is as a whole, he's the type of person for him to not think about them, and put them on shelf for later on. And that's fine, because that's just where he is in the course of his life right now. He'll do what he needs to--even if it's denial--and I'll do what I need to, which is getting back out there and taking care of me. Holding my breath & trying to figure out ways to "repent" for my mistakes isn't living. And frankly, despite the fact that we haven't talked for over 6 months, I don't think that's what he'd want for me.

[gothowitz]

I also wonder the same thing. My ex never said he was unhappy until the day we brokeup. I had no idea, then he basically cruelly dumped me and cut me off completely. I wonder why he accused me of not communicating, when he bottled everything up and then dumped me.

 

My ex never opened up to me about being unhappy either. It's funny how he told me before that I should just tell him what I wanted, and yet he never followed his own advice with me. I've been listening to Christian Carter's audiobooks, and in one of his programs, he described what an immature man is like. My ex fit into about five or six out of the seven descriptors, and on a logical level, I could understand why things wouldn't have worked out between us in the long run anyway. I even wrote them down on paper, so that I'll have a physical reminder of that. BUT, when I start remembering the good times, or check the week's weather forecast and see how great the weather's gonna be (we used to walk around the city and do outdoorsy stuff when the weather was nice), I begin to fall apart again.

[gothowitz]

Thank you radrluv72. I know that I shouldn't put the blame squarely on my shoulders, because after all, there were two people in our relationship. The communication between us broke down at some point, and while I tried my best to keep the lines open, he chose not to voice out what he was unhappy about, and decided to leave me high and dry. I also know that that in itself should tell me enough about the kind of man he really is, but it's often hard to argue with me heart when it's reminding me of the man he once was to me.

[radrluv72]

Thank you radrluv72. I know that I shouldn't put the blame squarely on my shoulders, because after all, there were two people in our relationship. The communication between us broke down at some point, and while I tried my best to keep the lines open, he chose not to voice out what he was unhappy about, and decided to leave me high and dry. I also know that that in itself should tell me enough about the kind of man he really is, but it's often hard to argue with me heart when it's reminding me of the man he once was to me.

 

I'm right there with ya. This doesn't sound too unfamilar to me...2 weeks prior to the split, I told him that I thought it was time that we both needed to talk about what we wanted out of the relationship because I cared about him & didn't want to lose him. In turn, he told that he cared about me too, also didn't want to lose me because of how happy I made him, ect...things were great. But when it came time for him to leave, I think it was all just too much for him. If he was ever unhappy, he never said. I very much doubt that he said anything that he said prior to the breakup just to pacify me. I still believe that when he said it, he meant it. Butr then he finally got the date he was set to ship out...and I think that just changed everything for him, despite the fact that I told him that I was content to wait for him to come home.

 

Anything that I feel now is bittersweet. In the end, I don't know if there would have been anything I could have done to prevent what happened from happening, and I'll probably never know. It's better to just exhale & let it go, and move on with your life. And that's not the same as pretending something never happened...it's just about accepting that it did happen, there's nothing you can do to change the past, so move forward. Eventually, the truth of things usually comes out in ways that we didn't expect when you can leave it alone.

[gothowitz]

At the risk of being "cyber-strangled" by most of our friends here (haha!), I sent him an email this morning, where I basically owned up to what I perceived to be my mistakes when we were together, expressed to him how I felt when he did certain things that he did, told him how I wished that he'd been more communicative with me instead of leaving me clueless as to why he suddenly ignored me (I technically dumped him but I pulled the trigger only because he was dodging my messages), thanking him for what we shared, and letting him know that either way I'll be alright if he decided to try again with me or not.

[moontiger]

My ex let me know he was unhappy. Just...there wasn't that much I could do about it. He told me I was overweight and he found that unattractive. So four months ago I started going to the gym religiously...he himself said he was impressed by how religiously I went. I only lost a couple of pounds though--and in the end he told me he still found me unattractive.

 

He told me I don't travel enough with him...but I was working full-time in a new career, whereas he had alternate weeks off.

 

He happened to be interested (as an amateur) in the career of 15 years that I had recently left behind, because it became too difficult for me emotionally. I wanted to leave it in the rear view mirror, and mentions of it were painful. He said he dumped me because he couldn't talk about the subject with me, and felt lonely--and because I didn't love the subject as much as he did. Perhaps I could have put aside my own career-related bad feelings, and humored him a bit more?

 

He told me I had no interest in his music, his gaming, his favorite comics. We did share some interests; I found his job fascinating. The rest...maybe I could have pretended to be interested in them, because it was his brain processing them. Maybe I didn't respect him enough.

 

But when I read over what I just wrote, part of me says "wait a second." He also could have understood that marriage does not mean that you get a clone of yourself. People *have* different tastes in music, and different hobbies and interests, and whatnot. As you spend time together, you find things you both like doing. That didn't happen for us, since we were LDR for a long time, and then on very different work schedules when we weren't. I never imposed my hobbies or interests on him; I did them myself, or with friends.

 

So...as far as the outcome, I don't know that it made that much difference that he warned me 50 times that he was unhappy. I saw it all coming though, and my subconscious had a few months to prepare for the end. I admit, that does make things easier.