A's perhaps a lack of Imagination?

[Sharon1961]

I very much agree. I shared a similar sentiment in my previous post.

 

Actively engaging in your life and relationship is so important.

 

I think when people rely on others to entertain them or all these outside sources of stimuli, it's easy to become passive and just always expecting to receive and never considering what you have to give and putting in work.

 

I think the internet age, our microwave society, one click of a button for everything and social media saturation help to fuel that boredom. You buy a technological device now, in 3 months they have a newer, better one before you even got used to the last one, every second there is some new viral video that's the next hottest thing to discuss then that's old news, you flip on tv, twitter, youtube, facebook, the entertainment has been brought to your living room or on the go at your fingertips.....the list goes on....it is no wonder people have short attention spans and putting in work for a relationship and dealing with the lull periods and being active mentally, physically, emotionally is not second nature.

 

This is all so perfectly said, MissBee.

 

People are so completely over-saturated and it all becomes a buzzing noise. Little has real meaning and people are unwilling to get off their butts and discover meaning.

 

I also seriously believe that if people felt they could effect some real meaning in their lives they would be less likely to be destructive to the lives of others.

 

We're all on auto-pilot much of the time.

[Got it]

No I don't feel like our EMR lacked imagination. We took turns planning trips and outings, we competed with each other on who could put together a "better" time while the other person got to be spoiled. We saw each other daily, spent the night a few times a week.

 

I am not sure if I would say it got stagnant either. It became comfortable where we wouldn't do more than dinner and a movie at home or just hang out but it was still stimulating emotionally and intellectually.

 

I do think the affair can be easier at times than addressing issues that one knows will result in life altering changes for others close to you. So it does bandaid those issues and tries to appease the lack of whatever that the WS is feeling.

 

Our relationship always had a timeline so there was no future in it as an EMR. But for many the EMR does fit their life as they have so much going on that the relationship is really just the icing on the cake.

 

I don't think everyone needs a significant other there with them at all times, and so it can be fullfilling for many for a long time.

[MissBee]

This is all so perfectly said, MissBee.

 

People are so completely over-saturated and it all becomes a buzzing noise. Little has real meaning and people are unwilling to get off their butts and discover meaning.

 

I also seriously believe that if people felt they could effect some real meaning in their lives they would be less likely to be destructive to the lives of others.

 

We're all on auto-pilot much of the time.

 

I quite agree!

 

Living your life semi-comatose is not the business.

[wheelwright]

Imagination is a tool for preparing ourselves for possible futures (according to evolutionary genetics this gives us a better survival rate).

 

I would say As throw imagination to the wind in one sense, as the pain they may engender is unthinkable for someone in the throws.

 

However, APs do often allow themselves to imagine a possible future together which they believe could be wonderful. An A without this aspect could be stagnant.

 

Or it could be indicative of people who have decided to live in the moment. Who are self-reliant and do not require standard forms of commitment.

 

Most times one partner or both has issues of guilt or commitment which forestall a continuance.

[LilyBart]

I don't speak of everyone's situation.

 

<snip>

 

When I look back on my A, it screams of a lack of imagination on both MM's and my part.

 

Haven't read past the OP but how very sad for you. Which is probably why yours didn't last. It takes two to tango after all.......

 

In mine, the engines are revving BECAUSE of the "imagination on both MM's and my part".

[OWoman]

There was definitely a lack of imagination in the lead up to my H's A with me... but it was neither his nor mine.

[Waffles]

Lack of imagination? Not usually.

 

Seems as though many types of affairs involve denial or conflict avoidance

 

Something like that. That was my experience in the affairs I was involved in anyway.

[Cabin]

Doesn't the stagnation of the situation ware most OP's out? Even when you can manage some get-aways and see each other reasonably often, doesn't that brick wall of what you will not, or not likely get past become a drag.

 

In my case, there is nothing stagnant about our relationship. We have great fun together doing a variety of things.

 

We are lucky to enjoy breakfast a few times a week together, where we usually talk about everything from work projects, to travelling we want to do, to books we're reading together, to past memories, to future hopes.

 

He's especially romantic and creates some really special experiences for us that range from tickets to hockey games, plays, museum tours, nights at salsa clubs, picnics in the park reading to each other over a bottle of wine, meals at small ethnic restaurants in an attempt to try every kind of cuisine, afternoons hunting for treasure at used bookshops, skinny dipping, cooking together...

 

I feel very lucky to have found him, and I say this not to slander my H, but I think these experiences with my AP really showed me some truths about my M. I never had this kind of fun, this kind of connection, these tireless conversations that never grow stale, with my H... and it's because you can't sit on a picnic blanket for hours with someone you can't talk to.

 

I really believe what makes my A so riveting is that the conversation runs long and runs deep and we both feel we've barely grazed the surface of what connects us.

 

We both think of the old rocking chairs... in old age... and what we're going to want beside us is a partner who "gets" us, who laughs with us, and who will talk to us in ways and about things that are important to us.

 

I will never settle for less again!

[waytogo]

Haven't read past the OP but how very sad for you. Which is probably why yours didn't last. It takes two to tango after all.......

 

In mine, the engines are revving BECAUSE of the "imagination on both MM's and my part".

 

Thanks, but actually not sad. I thought the A was great for a while. The limitations over time made the R less than I would continue to accept.

 

The happy ending is, when I got my head clear of the whole ordeal I was available for the right man who could spend ALL vacations with me for the rest of our lives. I'm very glad that I recognized the A R was not good for me forthe long run. Even when I was out of the A, I don't think I would have had these thoughts about it. When compared to what I have now, I can't see it any other way.

[waytogo]

In my case, there is nothing stagnant about our relationship. We have great fun together doing a variety of things.

 

We are lucky to enjoy breakfast a few times a week together, where we usually talk about everything from work projects, to travelling we want to do, to books we're reading together, to past memories, to future hopes.

 

He's especially romantic and creates some really special experiences for us that range from tickets to hockey games, plays, museum tours, nights at salsa clubs, picnics in the park reading to each other over a bottle of wine, meals at small ethnic restaurants in an attempt to try every kind of cuisine, afternoons hunting for treasure at used bookshops, skinny dipping, cooking together...

 

I feel very lucky to have found him, and I say this not to slander my H, but I think these experiences with my AP really showed me some truths about my M. I never had this kind of fun, this kind of connection, these tireless conversations that never grow stale, with my H... and it's because you can't sit on a picnic blanket for hours with someone you can't talk to.

 

I really believe what makes my A so riveting is that the conversation runs long and runs deep and we both feel we've barely grazed the surface of what connects us.

 

We both think of the old rocking chairs... in old age... and what we're going to want beside us is a partner who "gets" us, who laughs with us, and who will talk to us in ways and about things that are important to us.

 

I will never settle for less again!

 

It sounds like the affect you MM has on you is how I feel about my H

 

I don't mean to insult xMM as there were some fun times. I just prefer things as they are now. I also question whether xMM could have made more effort to take goods times home instead of seeking an A.

 

May I ask if you 2 are going to leave your respective spouses for the future rocking chairs?

[MissBee]

Thanks, but actually not sad. I thought the A was great for a while. The limitations over time made the R less than I would continue to accept.

 

The happy ending is, when I got my head clear of the whole ordeal I was available for the right man who could spend ALL vacations with me for the rest of our lives. I'm very glad that I recognized the A R was not good for me forthe long run. Even when I was out of the A, I don't think I would have had these thoughts about it. When compared to what I have now, I can't see it any other way.

 

I feel the same.

 

It's funny when people express their "condolences" to you that your affair didn't work out...it puzzles me, as it, like most other relationships that run its due course, isn't something I would go back to or am pining after now. I suppose the intent is to be patronizing; however it's rather inane lol.

 

In any case, not to put words in your mouth but I think boredom is a less appropriate term for what you're describing or what a lot of people experience. A's are exciting usually and fun to a degree but the obvious complications, or for some, like myself, the negative growth potential, becomes very stunting.

[waytogo]

I feel the same.

 

It's funny when people express their "condolences" to you that your affair didn't work out...it puzzles me, as it, like most other relationships that run its due course, isn't something I would go back to or am pining after now. I suppose the intent is to be patronizing; however it's rather inane lol.

 

In any case, not to put words in your mouth but I think boredom is a less appropriate term for what you're describing or what a lot of people experience. A's are exciting usually and fun to a degree but the obvious complications, or for some, like myself, the negative growth potential, becomes very stunting.

 

Very true MissB. Admittedly the A was exciting at first. It's the stunting you refer to that was the killer. When I feel stunted I get bored. I was bored with not even asking about things I would like such as joining each other's certain events that in a non-hidden R wouldn't be a question. I was bored with my own excuses to others why I didn't bring my date.

 

Maybe getting bored was unique to me. I really became tired enough that when I ended, it was so much easier than I thought it would be.

[MissBee]

Very true MissB. Admittedly the A was exciting at first. It's the stunting you refer to that was the killer. When I feel stunted I get bored. I was bored with not even asking about things I would like such as joining each other's certain events that in a non-hidden R wouldn't be a question. I was bored with my own excuses to others why I didn't bring my date.

 

Maybe getting bored was unique to me. I really became tired enough that when I ended, it was so much easier than I thought it would be.

 

I feel you...I would say that I felt the same, but it was more so I became tired and frustrated thus restless!

[Cabin]

It sounds like the affect you MM has on you is how I feel about my H

 

I don't mean to insult xMM as there were some fun times. I just prefer things as they are now. I also question whether xMM could have made more effort to take goods times home instead of seeking an A.

 

May I ask if you 2 are going to leave your respective spouses for the future rocking chairs?

 

Yes, we are each preparing a managed exit, if you will.

 

I have also asked AP if his M would be richer if he invested time/energy/romance back into it, but for various reasons and almost ten years of attempts on his part, it hasn't worked. It goes back to that "hours of conversation" on a picnic blanket thing... you can buy tickets, plan trips, share wine, see movies, attend classes, read the same books, plant a garden, go jogging together, but if you fundamentally don't really like one another's company -- because you're too different or just don't "click" -- then all the romance in the world can't save your relationship.

[waytogo]

Yes, we are each preparing a managed exit, if you will.

 

I have also asked AP if his M would be richer if he invested time/energy/romance back into it, but for various reasons and almost ten years of attempts on his part, it hasn't worked. It goes back to that "hours of conversation" on a picnic blanket thing... you can buy tickets, plan trips, share wine, see movies, attend classes, read the same books, plant a garden, go jogging together, but if you fundamentally don't really like one another's company -- because you're too different or just don't "click" -- then all the romance in the world can't save your relationship.

 

I agree as to if you 'just don't click'.

 

Honestly, I didn't set you up for this question. It came to me when I read your reply. If he was a MM who was never going to leave but would have you as long as you aloud, do you think or maybe know there would be a point that even that nice connection wouldn't be enough to keep you? It's just a curiosity question. As far as I know now, I have no others to follow

[Cabin]

I agree as to if you 'just don't click'.

 

Honestly, I didn't set you up for this question. It came to me when I read your reply. If he was a MM who was never going to leave but would have you as long as you aloud, do you think or maybe know there would be a point that even that nice connection wouldn't be enough to keep you? It's just a curiosity question. As far as I know now, I have no others to follow

 

If that was the case, it would wear thin for me, and him, with time. It's not that the connection would lessen... I just think the other emotions would start to compete for a bigger piece of the pie, you know?

 

I have tried several times to end it with him, feeling horrible of course about what we're doing and how it goes against everything I've been "taught"... the last time I told him that we couldn't go on like this, he was the one who suggested we begin making moves to be out of our marriages so that we can be together.

 

I'm sure if I was willing to stay, he wouldn't leave his M now, but certainly in a few years when the kids were gone, he would be leaving. I think he has realized that a decision has to be made now for our R to continue.

 

I've offered him an "out" many many times.

 

But so far, he has taken every step of the plan, as we outlined it.

[waytogo]

If that was the case, it would wear thin for me, and him, with time. It's not that the connection would lessen... I just think the other emotions would start to compete for a bigger piece of the pie, you know?

 

I have tried several times to end it with him, feeling horrible of course about what we're doing and how it goes against everything I've been "taught"... the last time I told him that we couldn't go on like this, he was the one who suggested we begin making moves to be out of our marriages so that we can be together.

 

I'm sure if I was willing to stay, he wouldn't leave his M now, but certainly in a few years when the kids were gone, he would be leaving. I think he has realized that a decision has to be made now for our R to continue.

 

I've offered him an "out" many many times.

 

But so far, he has taken every step of the plan, as we outlined it.

 

Thank you for your replies and for realizing I wasn't attacking your circumstances. Sometimes it looks that way even when it isn't on forums. Sometimes it is an unmistakable attack.

 

I think you may get the spirit of my post from your replies and attitude about how you couldn't do the 'endless A' routine with no plan for a shared future. As promised, no more questions