I need to control myself when I do go out.

[faerykissd]

[color=indigo][/color]I need some advice. I have been with this great guy for seven years now and I love him to death. We have had some rough times mostly stemming around the issue I am about to tell you about. Right now he lives in a different state that I do and we have to do the long distance thing. It sucks so much because I miss him terribly.

 

When I go out to the bars sometimes I end up drinking way too much, way too fast. Before I know it I have lost all inhibition and have kissed other guys. The next morning when I remember what I have done I freak out because I feel dirty and like a terrible person. I've told my boyfriend when these things have happened and he does get upset, but has forgiven me, which is amazing. The thing is I really have no desire to be with another person. I am just so impulsive after I have been drinking and I don't realize what I'm doing until it's too late. And if I go to the bar with the mindset that I won't drink much I still end up getting hammered without realizing it.

 

I don't go to the bars much, once every couple of months, but I really want to fix this problem. Not only do I kiss other guys but I make a total moron out of myself. I hate myself for being that way and I don't know how to fix it. Most of all I hate myself for the pain that I've caused my boyfriend. I've thought about just not going out drinking anymore, but I don't think that is the best way out. I need to control myself when I do go out. For now I am not going out until I feel confident in my abilities to control my drinking and my behavior.

 

Any long term suggestions? Has anyone else had problems like this? I would really appreciate your advice and I know I have done some really crappy things and am trying to come to terms with them so please don't beat me up more than I have already beat myself up.

[johan]

Quit drinking.

[meanon]

Do you drink alcohol only in bars? If you drink elsewhere, do you have this problem there?

 

I've not had this problem but I think the two best ways of sorting it out are to either stop drinking alcohol or decide how much you are going to drink before you go out and then stop when you have drunk that much (leave if you can't stop drinking alcohol). Spread the alcoholic drinks out by strinking something else in between. If sticking to a certain amount doesn't help then you have to stop drinking all together.

[faerykissd]

thanks meanon. that is good advice. if i drink other than at bars it is usually with people that i work with or go to school with (i am in graduate school). i tend to drink a lot less and i also tend to curb my behavior more, which is a really interesting realization. i hadn't thought of that before. i have tried to limit my drinking, especially by not having more than one shot because that is what gets me everytime is the shots. i will do shot after shot and before you know it i'm obliterated. i think i really have to consider not drinking anymore. i'm not sure that i have the controls to limit myself right now. that probably sounds immature and irresponsible to say i can't control myself. that really bothers me SO MUCH. i want to so badly and it's a struggle for me, as far as alchohol goes and the behavior that comes after. anyway, thanks for the advice.

[moimeme]

Well, for starters, don't do shots! And don't gulp your drinks. Pace yourself - no more than one drink of alcohol per hour, and better yet, alternate booze with pop or water. My limit per night is two - and it usually takes me so long to get through the first I don't get to the second. If you're the sort of person that drinks everything fast, stick to soft drinks. You don't have to drink booze just because you're at a bar.

[meanon]

that probably sounds immature and irresponsible to say i can't control myself

 

Not at all - you are doing something about it which is the mature and responsible thing to to. Yes it's best to stop drinking in bars if you can't control yourself there. You can control yourself elsewhere though so you may want to think - why bars? Maybe you drink shots there and not elsewhere? Maybe you are very affected by the social context - if everyone is drinking lots do you need to keep up? Maybe you don't enjoy it if you are not drunk - do you like bars? Bars are there for two purposes - to drink and socialise. Maybe if you concentrate on going to socialise and avoid the drink for a while you will break the pattern.

[faerykissd]

Originally posted by meanon

 

 

You can control yourself elsewhere though so you may want to think - why bars?

 

Well, I think I have a lot of problems with social skills. I really have very few friends, but I really like to talk to people. I don't have trouble talking to people, I just tend to not want to have many friends because of the amount of effort friendships take (being in graduate school right now I have little time for myself as it is). I guess I go to the bars because it gives me that kind of social environment. I may know the people at the bar, but I don't talk to them outside of that situation. I can get the attention and socialization, but at the same time be able to leave that at the bar.

 

Maybe you drink shots there and not elsewhere?

 

I don't drink shots elsewhere. Half of the problem is that many times people will buy me drinks. If I'm not paying for the drinks I have an easier time throwing them back. Last time I went out I didn't buy a single drink and I drank at least $25-30 in alcohol. Bad news. I really think I am staying away from bars for a while.

 

Maybe you are very affected by the social context - if everyone is drinking lots do you need to keep up?

 

For some reason I think it's great that I hold my liquor and I guess I feel some need to show that. That's just stupid....

 

Maybe you don't enjoy it if you are not drunk - do you like bars?

 

I usually don't have as much fun if I'm not drunk. The next day though I hate myself for the way I acted. It may be fun in the moment but not afterwards.

 

 

I think this is more complicated of an issue than just drinking and I have started to realize that. I may seek help from a therapist and try working through some of these issues because I really want to be different. It's almost like I'm a completely different person when I drink. And I don't like that person.

 

 

Thanks again for the good advice.

[meanon]

Well a therapist will help for sure help but it's talking about it that's really useful - a friend may be able to help. You are getting nearer to the problem fairly quickly and from what you've said I don't think you are ill.

 

Your comment about friendships is interesting - that they require effort. Why is that? You say you don't want more friends - I can see why if they are hard work . By contrast the bar acquaintances are fun and undemanding. I think maybe you do need more friends but just a greater variety - some of whom are much more for social contact and play and others who are nearest and dearest (hopefully some are fun too!).

 

Then there's the attention. I guess if you end up kissing men it's male attention, mainly. Nothing wrong enjoying mens' attention . As it leads to behaviour you are ashamed of, however, then you need to be sure it is just the drink that's the problem and not the need for attention.

 

A word of warning - being out of control drunk in a bar of acquaintances who are buying you drinks can be a dangerous situation, especially if you are on your own.

 

PS - one way of controlling how much you drink is to buy your own - it's much harder if other people are buying them for you.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

This is just a thought but:

First, how would you feel if your boyfriend was doing to you what you are doing to him?

Second, it seems obvious to me that you are engaging in self-destructive behavior that will eventually destroy your relationship. Do you really think your boyfriend feels special that he has an intelligent girlfriend who every once in a while goes to bars, gets smashed and kisses other men? It is amazing that he has not told you to get lost. It just shows you how much he loves you and you repay him back by continuing this behavior.

 

Thirdly, it seems it will be a matter of time until you get really smashed at a bar and you will be taken advantage of. I strongly suggest therapy to understand why you engage in this self-destructive behavior and why you are overtly or covertly attempting to sabotage your relationship with your boyfriend? I wish you luck.

[kgal]

Yes..please don't drink ..at least try to control the amount you drink. Bring friends that you know will be good enough to help you know when you've had too much and will look out for you. Or just try not to go to bars.....where you know you will end up drinking and going wild with these other guys. Trust is a very important thing in a relationship..and if you love this boy you're with..you owe it to him to not do that to him and your relationship. Keep your relationship strong and healthy by not doing things that would make it hard for you both. You'll be happier in the long run. Good luck!

[faerykissd]

I have thought about what I would feel like if he did the same thing. I would be heartbroken and just really confused. I don't know how to explain it, but I do fine after a couple of drinks, I even talk about him to everyone in the bar. Once I hit a certain point though it's like I am a totally different person. I honestly hate it and want to change so much because I do love my boyfriend with my whole heart. I know it may seem weird to say that if I have done this stuff and I can't explain it. I don't understand it. I don't really understand myself right now. This is really hard for me. I am torn up over it and it's killing me. I am actually beginning to hate myself.

 

I really appreciate all of your help. It may not be a big deal for you all to give your opinions, but right now I don't have many people to talk to and this is helping me sort through some of the issues.

 

You know, I really don't deserve him. You have no idea how much he loves me. If I could just love myself 1/10th of that...maybe things would be different. It's just so hard when you continually let yourself down. I don't trust myself. I feel like I have no control. It's an awful feeling. And I do think the behavior is self-destructive. Hopefully, with some time I will be able to get out of this funk.

[meanon]

Faery, it's done. If he can forgive you then surely you can forgive yourself. You know the problem, you've taken steps to avoid it, you are figuring out why it's happened. Beating yourself up over it won't help any. Continue to put yourself in your boyfriend's shoes for a moment - if you had forgiven him for something that he had done what would you want him to do? Feel deep remorse, yes. You feel that. Feel self hatred that could more destructive to the relationship than kissing men in bars? No. If you've felt like this for a while then it may be worth talking to someone. It's a common problem that can be sorted out fairly easily.