Why have I not healed after 1 full year?!

[marieCSR]

I tend to be really long-winded so I’m going to try very hard to be brief and concise here...

 

I’m 23 years old. I’ve had plenty of relationships, both long-term and short-term, flings, and everything in between. I never tried to date a lot, it just always seemed to “happen” to me. None of these guys ever had a huge effect on me. If they broke up with me, I might feel sad/rejected for a bit but I always moved on swiftly and found someone I liked more. Last summer, I had a relationship for about 3 months with this one guy. I know, it was very brief. It was a classic case of “the disappearing man.” He was super into me – texted/called all day every day, spent tons of money on me (though I insisted he didn’t have to), took me on trips, introduced me to all his friends/family, met my parents, came to my little sister’s birthday party, etc. Prior to this, no guy had put forth that much effort, so I was 100% convinced that he was 100% into me. Can you blame me? I had NO red flags. I had no indication of the relationship’s impending demise. And believe me, I know all the red flags to look for. Long story short, he ended it.

 

We continued to text/talk and we hung out a couple times in the week after he broke up with me. It wasn’t until I saw pictures of him with another girl on facebook that it started to sink in. I realized I really had been broken up with. I couldn’t handle facebook anymore so I deactivated my account. I started NC, and so did he, but mine was gut-wrenching and full of temptation, whereas his NC was simply a result of him not caring and not being into me whatsoever. Many, many times I was so tempted to contact him but I didn’t. Six months later, he randomly texted me saying he had found the books of mine that I wanted back. He said “Hey it’s so-and-so, just wanted to let you know I found your books so I can get those back to you, hope all is going well!” I texted back the next day and said “You can send them to [my new address], thanks a lot!” Now it’s 6 months later and I haven’t received them. I know I never will, and I know I shouldn’t have even texted back...but I really did want them back at that time, so I thought I'd offer my address and try, as a courtesy. And that's the only contact I've EVER had with him since our breakup, so I don't think I screwed up too badly.

 

Some people felt he was “trying to talk to me again,” but I knew that wasn't the case. This whole time, I've been reactivating my facebook about once a month and seeing pictures of his new girlfriend (not the girl he hung out with after he broke up with me - a different girl). I truly feel facebook is evil and toxic and has kept me from moving on, but it's not the whole reason. Obviously if I had moved on, seeing his facebook wouldn't bother me.

 

I’ve read every book and article about dating/breakups that I can get my hands on, most notably “He’s Just Not That Into You,” “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken,” “Why Men Love Bitches,” dating coach Evan Marc Katz's online advice, this ebook by Evan Marc Katz called “Why He Dissapeared” .. then my guy friends schooled me on “The Game” by Neil Strauss and Mystery’s Pickup Artist theory. I’ve had endless long discussions with my friends, my sisters, my mom. I’ve read a ton about coping strategies and depression and suicide prevention. Curing my broken heart has been a full-time job. Now it’s almost August, over a year since we broke up, and I’m still not cured. I will never get the answers I want, and every book confirms this -- I will never get the answers. I will never know why. I'm really terrified because it's been a year and I'm still not done being upset about this. I go a few days feeling okay, then eventually I always start crying again. I compare myself to the new girl. I go over every call and text in my head. I make myself crazy wondering what happened.

 

The truth is, I probably didn't do anything. I'm not crazy or clingy. I can't think of anything I did to ruin things. It's just a typical case of a guy not being into a girl anymore. People do it all the time. It happens. But I can't get over it. What if it really was me?

 

All the advice says to make a list of his bad qualities but he didn't have any that I knew of. I suppose we weren't together long enough to see each other's bad qualities, we just had fun constantly. I've read "why he disappeared" twice now and I don't think I did the things that Evan Marc Katz is trying to tell me I did wrong. I really thought that book would be my final solution, but nothing has solved this. I know I need legitimate therapy but I can't afford it. Am I crazy? I promise I'm normal, attractive, fun-loving, and career-oriented. I absolutely love my chosen career path, too. But I live in fear every day that I will never, ever be as happy as I was last summer; and I will never, ever shake him off my brain. How do I move on?

Edited July 19, 2011 by marieCSR
trying to shorten things

[bestrong]

Hey Marie, take as much time as you need. It has been a year and nine months and I still like her but things aren't as hard as it used to be. My suggestion is stop reading those books! You have read enough of it and try to push yourself further by getting a new hobby. Keep trying and who cares whether it's a year or more? You will be a mature young lady again soon.

Yesterday was my birthday, I wish she emailed me but hey it didn't stop me from enjoying my celebration cause there are people around that love me! Start feeling the love!