After many changes, Ex girl back in contact.

[Winherback]

Ok, so heres the dealio. We have a history, and were officially together almost 3 years. We started fast and heavy, too fast and heavy. We eventually broke up after she felt I was neglecting her, got back together, I made impossible promises, and we never truly fixed anything and she moved in with me and it was a bad time for me and she saw too many weaknesses in me which I had at the time and blamed on her for making me walk on eggshells. I didnt know how to pass her tests, reacted to too many things negatively and it just didnt work. We started again a few months ago, but we didnt start truly fresh and again, and ultimately ended up in the same boat. I was insecure, and it showed. I didnt read her very well, comfort her in her times of emotions, and I did myself no favors by being no challenge and unhappy with myself and my current position in life and displayed too much of that to her. Mind you, we had many many great times and I know she does love me, and has some issues of her own... as we all do.

 

This last time we ended it in an official meet, and it was actually one of the best times we had together in a while. We connected, flirted, joked, etc..in a way we had not in a long time. We were ourselves, I was confident, I was myself, no masks, no insecurities,etc. She told me at that time that she did still love me, and it would take a long time to get over me. After that meet, even after officially ending it that same day...she called me later to go to dinner. I jumped all over her offer (in reality a test from her to see if I would I am sure), and it wasnt as smooth as earlier in that day because I was so eager to. In the past in our time apart, I always made myself too available and was always trying too hard to get her back, and never made myself a challenge to her, nor worked on myself. All a hoax in winning her back. We spoke a few more times, she mentioned she was thinking about me, I invited her to a getaway, and she eventually declined.

 

So then I go no contact for a month straight. It was a good time for me. I read a few books, and I have gotten myself centered for the first time in a very long time. I am a stronger man than I have been in a long while. I have been talking to other girls, working out, stopped smoking pot (a big issue for me and my laziness, and lack of passion in life), going on interviews to get a better job... the whole works. I was even becoming indifferent to this girl whom I loved so much. I am myself again, and the key for it all is I am loving myself again. I am confident in who I am and in knowing myself better, I know I can achieve anything and do anything. It has been enlightening I can honestly say.

 

Then out of the blue she calls me, I dont answer. Tells me on VM about and event she ran, and a couple things that made her think about me, etc. I dont call back for over a week. We talk, it was short, but she said she was happy to hear my voice. Then a few days later I had a couple of dreams about her, sent her a funny text to tell her to get out of my dreams,etc.. She calls me immediately. We laugh about them, I call her a dreamstalker, she tells me she has them about me all the time and its maybe due to her insecurities,etc. Again, I am now in a position of confidence, indifference, and just moving in the right direction in life. She later texts me that day for help with something on her computer. I assist, but not without cracking a joke or two about my fees, not being so immediately there for help,etc.

 

I dont contact her for almost a week. Then today, she calls me first thing... Im at work and it goes to vm. She says sweet things, hoping Im doing good, having a great Monday,etc. I call her back at the end of the day and we talk. She mentions how happy I sound, how energetic I sound, etc. All positive things, we joke, I make fun of her, and she asks me to meet her for a drink at a place where I could bring my dog (the pup we got together). I agree. Then I remember immediately I had dinner plans and have to call right back to cancel. I am also thinking that this is also the opposite of what I would have done in the past. I say what about tomorrow, on my terms, then she then brings up after a pause that she has a friend coming over or something to that extent. I said all good, they can come.... one of your girlfriends? She then says no, a guy friend. An old friend (a looker and buff dude I know about). I dont let this affect me one bit and ask if she plans on dating him, she says no. I say its okay if you do, but just dont plan on calling me if you do. She talks about how he is a meat head, and they are not each others type,etc and says she has no interest and that its okay just to have friends. Anyway, I acted indifferent and it didnt bother me and I am almost thinking she said all of this on the fly because I had to cancel our meet,etc. We talk some more and I had to end it as I was busy.

 

Any thoughts on my situation. I know there are some games being played.... but honestly, I am not even worried about them. I am just being me, being happy with me, and staying a challenge. I do love this girl with all of my heart, and do feel these changes in me could have a very positive affect on us if we did ever give it another go. So any outside perspective on whats developing would really help. And should I even honestly sweat this guy friend thing? I guess thats what I am really getting at here. Im thinking no, either way. Or did I go wrong by canceling our meet, or would that just push her attraction button even more with curiosity? Just looking for outside thoughts here and or suggestions. I just figure that all I can be is myself, stay confident, and treat her along with every other girl as its in the beginning stages of dating and whatever happens happens. Thanks ahead for your thoughts!

Edited July 19, 2011 by Winherback

[wilsonx]

Shes such a bitch, shes bringing a guy with her.

 

This isnt a challenge, this is a bull**** rodeo. The guy she is bringing is her new boyfriend. Ex's lie to their ex's all the time because they want to keep you on a leash just in case it doesn't work out. That's what shes doing right now. When I met my ex's old boyfriend, guess how she introduced me to him, as her friend.

 

Dont play this game, tell her you have a date to go on or just flake all together. This isn't a challenge, this is a show off competition. She wants you to do something stupid and beta like in front of her and her "Friend" to validate to her own ego that he's better then you.

 

For the sake of your new found respect and dignity don't do it. You said you were a month NC. I am way more self centered then most people I know, and I know inside its going to take me 5-6 months to get back to where I was before. One month at the gym does not cut it as well as reading books. You are still in love with her so you stand no chance to beat her games

[Chuck Bartowski]

After what I just read, it sounds as if you are doing things right. You are definitely right about loving yourself first. It's refreshing to hear a good report on here. I hope that I can post mine hear some day soon as well. I wish you all the best mate.

 

Chuck

[Winherback]

Shes such a bitch, shes bringing a guy with her.

 

This isnt a challenge, this is a bull**** rodeo. The guy she is bringing is her new boyfriend. Ex's lie to their ex's all the time because they want to keep you on a leash just in case it doesn't work out. That's what shes doing right now. When I met my ex's old boyfriend, guess how she introduced me to him, as her friend.

 

Dont play this game, tell her you have a date to go on or just flake all together. This isn't a challenge, this is a show off competition. She wants you to do something stupid and beta like in front of her and her "Friend" to validate to her own ego that he's better then you.

 

For the sake of your new found respect and dignity don't do it. You said you were a month NC. I am way more self centered then most people I know, and I know inside its going to take me 5-6 months to get back to where I was before. One month at the gym does not cut it as well as reading books. You are still in love with her so you stand no chance to beat her games

 

I guess I kind of misspoke. So I canceled our meeting up for a drink tonight as she proposed because I had forgotten I had plans already. This is the first times she has requested that we hang out. All her doing. I have always made the contact in the past, now its all her doing. So I then proposed tomorrow instead....then she said she couldn't, by saying she had a friend coming over. Then I said thats cool bring them, she didnt say yes, and kind of hesitated on that....and I asked if it was a girlfriend coming over. Thats when she said its an old dude friend coming over,etc. I am honestly not buying it and really think it was a quick effort to try and make me jealous and to try and turn things around because I just shut her down on us meeting up tonight. Because she immediately went into this big sch-peal, telling me his full name, a brief history, that they talked in the past in high school, and it didnt work out... yada yada yada.... without me even asking about the situation or who he was. It didnt have much of an effect on me, but I did asked her if she had interest in dating him, she said no.. and I said calmly, thats fine if you want to... just dont be calling me anymore if you do. In no effin way would I hang out with her while she brought some dude. She knows better in the first place and nor would I ever put myself in that position. We are adults, she is single... I am single... and I am talking to other girls, so I dont have a right to try and shut her down on anything going on. And I am ok with that. And if I ever did expect to get back with her, the last thing to do is to get jealous over some other guy. The reaction she was probably expecting was me getting all jealous and having a negative reaction. Not gonna happen.

 

While its been a month of no contact, we have really been apart for much longer than that overall and I am pretty much tired from it all and accepted things for what they are, mainly by learning for real from my past mistakes which is something everyone needs to hang their hat on... and have just spent the past month building on that and loving myself again, and I do feel good. So here I am at now, and I have not had a negative reaction to this situation, which is exactly what she was looking for imo.

[Winherback]

After what I just read, it sounds as if you are doing things right. You are definitely right about loving yourself first. It's refreshing to hear a good report on here. I hope that I can post mine hear some day soon as well. I wish you all the best mate.

 

Chuck

 

You will dude, I promise. You must first accept things for what they are... and most importantly, LEARN from your mistakes. You cant control the other half, so you play the game from a position of power whether you are actually in that position currently or not. Then, no matter what... thats where you ultimately end up. Believe me, I have been through it all... been in every spot imaginable that you feel you will never break out of. But then it will click for you, it WILL come. But you have to win the brain vs the heart battle first. That's the biggest challenge. You don't go off emotions, you go off being THE MAN, and owning that part. They don't want some weak dude in the first place.... who would? The ironic part is that everything comes from inside YOU. YOU can ultimately control it all.