Finally realizing my parents flaws?

[CarlStevens]

I'm 26 years old and have only just begun to realize how disappointed I am in my parents.

 

I'm thankful that they have always provided for me while I grew up, but in terms of being a role model or guiding/preparing me for adult life, I feel like they totally dropped the ball. They never taught me any 'life lessons' or taught me how to handle complicated situations or how to be true to myself. Most of all, I'm disappointed that my father didn't teach me how to be a man instead of an insecure boy. I really didn't have a strong male role model.

 

My parents always expected me to be a 'good boy', to avoid conflict by pleasing others. I was taught to put other people's needs first (they disapproved if I didn't) and as a result I am now a typical Nice Guy and People Pleaser with no backbone. Whenever my needs would conflict with another person's needs, they expected me to discard my own needs to avoid conflict.

 

I never had a close relationship with my parents, we did a lot of things together but there was no deep connection.

 

What hurts me is that my amazing girlfriend often has to deal with my People Pleaser issues and often ends up getting hurt. I sometimes make really dumb mistakes in my relationship, and I feel that it's partly because my dad never even once taught me about women or love/relationships. At the age of 26 I now have to read books and educate myself about life and love because my dad didn't, and it's killing me that my girlfriend has to put up with that until I finally manage to grow up and have some common sense about complicated situations.

 

I'm trying very hard to change my insecurity and general cluelessness, and I'm working on becoming the confident man that my girlfriend really deserves in her life.

 

I don't want to blame my failures/flaws completely on my parents because I do believe in personal responsibility and accountability. At the same time, I feel that it's the job of parents to teach a child about life situations and to help them value themselves and make them feel that it's ok to have feelings.

 

Has anyone here ever had to deal with something like this?

[oldguy]

My parents always expected me to be a 'good boy', to avoid conflict by pleasing others. I was taught to put other people's needs first (they disapproved if I didn't) and as a result I am now a typical Nice Guy and People Pleaser with no backbone. Whenever my needs would conflict with another person's needs, they expected me to discard my own needs to avoid conflict.

I really wish people would stop apologizing for being 'nice'. Nice people finishing last depends entirely on who's company your keeping & who's keeping score.

 

 

What hurts me is that my amazing girlfriend often has to deal with my People Pleaser issues and often ends up getting hurt. I sometimes make really dumb mistakes in my relationship, and I feel that it's partly because my dad never even once taught me about women or love/relationships. At the age of 26 I now have to read books and educate myself about life and love because my dad didn't, and it's killing me that my girlfriend has to put up with that until I finally manage to grow up and have some common sense about complicated situations.

I read a good book a few years ago called; 'Wild at Heart' & although I didn't care much for the authors approach the premise was spot on I thought. It basically talks about fathers importance as a roll model to his sons & daughters especially as they get older. Children learn what they observe more so than what they are instructed.

 

I'm trying very hard to change my insecurity and general cluelessness, and I'm working on becoming the confident man that my girlfriend really deserves in her life.

 

I don't want to blame my failures/flaws completely on my parents because I do believe in personal responsibility and accountability. At the same time, I feel that it's the job of parents to teach a child about life situations and to help them value themselves and make them feel that it's ok to have feelings.

I'm impressed that you are taking the initiative to better yourself.

 

Has anyone here ever had to deal with something like this?

I was raised much the same way, I rebelled & by the time I was 17 I left home & turned into quite an ars. It took me a decade or so to realize that wasn't working for me & I've spent more than a couple more decades trying to be, 'a nice guy' again. I was 26 once, in fact, I've been 26 more than twice

We are what we believe works for us. I still have roll models & so should you. Take inventory of your passions, join a group, adopt roll models. I like to fly & have a couple of roll models in that part of my life. I enjoy martial arts & have a roll model or two there as well.

 

My father was alright when he was sober:)

Edited July 19, 2011 by oldguy

[Eve]

I'm 26 years old and have only just begun to realize how disappointed I am in my parents.

I'm thankful that they have always provided for me while I grew up, but in terms of being a role model or guiding/preparing me for adult life, I feel like they totally dropped the ball. They never taught me any 'life lessons' or taught me how to handle complicated situations or how to be true to myself. Most of all, I'm disappointed that my father didn't teach me how to be a man instead of an insecure boy. I really didn't have a strong male role model.

 

My parents always expected me to be a 'good boy', to avoid conflict by pleasing others. I was taught to put other people's needs first (they disapproved if I didn't) and as a result I am now a typical Nice Guy and People Pleaser with no backbone. Whenever my needs would conflict with another person's needs, they expected me to discard my own needs to avoid conflict.

 

I never had a close relationship with my parents, we did a lot of things together but there was no deep connection.

 

What hurts me is that my amazing girlfriend often has to deal with my People Pleaser issues and often ends up getting hurt. I sometimes make really dumb mistakes in my relationship, and I feel that it's partly because my dad never even once taught me about women or love/relationships. At the age of 26 I now have to read books and educate myself about life and love because my dad didn't, and it's killing me that my girlfriend has to put up with that until I finally manage to grow up and have some common sense about complicated situations.

 

I'm trying very hard to change my insecurity and general cluelessness, and I'm working on becoming the confident man that my girlfriend really deserves in her life.

 

I don't want to blame my failures/flaws completely on my parents because I do believe in personal responsibility and accountability. At the same time, I feel that it's the job of parents to teach a child about life situations and to help them value themselves and make them feel that it's ok to have feelings.

 

Has anyone here ever had to deal with something like this?

 

I have concluded that even if you had the best parents in the world there would still be aspects to their nature that you would dislike. In this sense it is pointless to moan about anything within a semi normal childhood. In essence, I would put money on you not taking one bit of notice if your parents had even been cool.. in many respects this is often a worse experience for young people. All in all, children rarely listen to anything they are told and learn mostly via experiences.

 

OP, there is an editting process that goes on within us all which I reckon lends to put ourselves in the better light. This editting process basically omits many things that happened as you grew up. These things tend to come up once you see them in your own children but until then there are few parents thought of in a favourabe light. I think it is just how it is. Then there is another thing I have observed, that of people who develop a 'false self'. This false self contains aspects of who they ideally would want to be but hold little resemblance to who they actually are. It is like a mixture of phrases and ideals picked up along the way which often does not match how they really behave. I see this as developing largely as an ideal based on wanting to be like another person who is usually elevated beyond the normal human range.

 

H'mmm.. I have considered al these things and many more too at length and at the root I think that having a rebellious streak and living true to it is the grand aim of most if not all young people. Mostly they then torture themselves as to whether they have lived up to this aim. At the core it may be that you have taken on aspects of your perception of yourself from how your own parents themselves behave.. consider that for a moment please. Yes, what you have observed may not be deliberate on their part. They too may be prisoners of the same existentialism! With this in mind, do they now just become simply not good enough for you?

 

What matters is that you now carry a torch. Make sure that what you do will strengthen your family line. Or it may end with you, if you decide it too much to be doing with repeating with children of your own. So, alas, it may be that you may simply not like your own reflection.

 

Finding ways of improving yourself is a very good sign indeed. The true question has always been, 'who are you?' Sadly ones parents cannot define this for their children.

 

If I were you I would take a look at what you crave right now and try and work out if this has always been there or whether this is something new. It is funny how we can pick up on something and then carry it with us as though it was always there. It maybe that you think that your girlfriend is stronger than you and envy her upbringing? It maybe that key situations went unresolved as a child and your brain is still trying to figure out what exactly happened. Thankfully you don't have a history of abuse to consider here.

 

In total, I think that different people come to the realisation that their parents are human at different times and the reaction to this varies across individuals. I know that my children don't see me as a woman with my own wants and needs. I am basically a walking reference point to them... who does stuff. Their aim is to get me to do as much as possible for them but this has lessened now (thank goodness)

 

Sorry, I do waffle..

 

OP, your parents probably are a bit wet and probably not been able to go far beyond meeting your basic needs but they did what they could with what skills they had available. Instead, I say look at what is motivating these current thoughts of yours with a friend or maybe a therapist. Methinks you are now ready to take on a new level of personal responsibility more than this being a negative realisation... but the path you take is up to you. It is my opinion that most choose to dispose of their past and instead try and and make a home in the false self. Usually to please someone else.

 

IDK, my kids seem to have never really took me that serious though they respect me. They basically mess me about because they know I love them. The main changes have come about in their being able to reach out to me as much as I have really always reached out to them. At this current time they cannot see how they have changed, at all.

 

All in all OP, there may actually be nothing wrong with you. This maybe one of many awakening points of just another challenge bought on by pressures felt within a key relationship. Don't try to re-define yourself too firmly... especially with something as bogus as thinking yourself 'too nice'. Rather continue to look at ways to enjoy your life, become more assertive and fluid and accept that your parents were not and cannot be super human.

 

Lol, I suppose my bias is very much that I envy that you had parents.

 

I wish you well on your journey,

Take care,

Eve x

[Crusoe]

Nobody's perfect Carl, all parents make some mistakes, they're living and learning just as much as we are, and often it takes years to realise we did in fact make a mistake.

 

My old man was a real John Wayne character. Big, tough, quiet and hard as nails. Everything was black and white, this is right, that is wrong. That's what he had to be to get along and survive his life, and that's what he raised me to be. On my 18th birthday he told me I was a man, showed me the door and told me to go make my own way in life. It's what his father did to him when he was 16. Of course the world I was stepping into was not the world he grew up in and I had to learn a lot of things the hard way.

 

I've never been disappointed in him though, Carl. He taught me what he knew at the time and what he thought was best at the time. That's pretty much all a parent can do. The rest is for us to learn along he way. Nobody leaves home the finished article.

[Tayla]

Crusoe, well said and true to life!

 

Yes some parents are like the Three bears and their sleeping arrangements, Too soft, Too hard, or just right I had the (dis)pleasure at some points of being raised in various "family" homes growing up , so it would take years as an adult to sort thru the "mixed" and sometimes Down right "lunatic" things embedded as True and unquestionable. Thankfully one should question the parental ways and take the good that was true and leave the messy stuff where it belongs...in the garbage. I agree that for the most part parents intentions are for the good but sometimes even in the adult years, reflecting back ya gotta ask, what were they thinking LOL!!!

[oldguy]

Now that I have experience raising children I would be a MUCH better paternt.

 

Grand parents are simply parents with the necessary experience but not the energy:D

 

Or; 'if i knew how much I would enjoy grand children I would have had them first'

[Afishwithabike]

I'm 26 years old and have only just begun to realize how disappointed I am in my parents.

 

I'm thankful that they have always provided for me while I grew up, but in terms of being a role model or guiding/preparing me for adult life, I feel like they totally dropped the ball. They never taught me any 'life lessons' or taught me how to handle complicated situations or how to be true to myself. Most of all, I'm disappointed that my father didn't teach me how to be a man instead of an insecure boy. I really didn't have a strong male role model.

 

My parents always expected me to be a 'good boy', to avoid conflict by pleasing others. I was taught to put other people's needs first (they disapproved if I didn't) and as a result I am now a typical Nice Guy and People Pleaser with no backbone. Whenever my needs would conflict with another person's needs, they expected me to discard my own needs to avoid conflict.

 

I never had a close relationship with my parents, we did a lot of things together but there was no deep connection.

 

What hurts me is that my amazing girlfriend often has to deal with my People Pleaser issues and often ends up getting hurt. I sometimes make really dumb mistakes in my relationship, and I feel that it's partly because my dad never even once taught me about women or love/relationships. At the age of 26 I now have to read books and educate myself about life and love because my dad didn't, and it's killing me that my girlfriend has to put up with that until I finally manage to grow up and have some common sense about complicated situations.

 

I'm trying very hard to change my insecurity and general cluelessness, and I'm working on becoming the confident man that my girlfriend really deserves in her life.

 

I don't want to blame my failures/flaws completely on my parents because I do believe in personal responsibility and accountability. At the same time, I feel that it's the job of parents to teach a child about life situations and to help them value themselves and make them feel that it's ok to have feelings.

 

Has anyone here ever had to deal with something like this?

 

I can relate to your post.

 

I have parents like that. Their original culture is partly to blame. They're Asian. From a young age I was taught to be a people pleaser. It was hard to speak up for what I wanted at home, in the classroom, in the playground, because I didn't want to rock the boat. I was such a goody two shoes that I sometimes cringe when I think about those days. It took me a long time to get over that conditioning. I think it was in college that I stopped the good girl bit. I'm attorney now. I'm not the people pleaser I used to be.

 

My parents aren't bad people at all. Far from it. When I read about about the childhoods others have had, I realize how lucky I was to have the parents I did. They did the best they could. It just so happened I was an introverted child and the last thing I needed to be taught was to be a total people pleaser.

 

You can change. It's possible. I know I have. People are surprised now to find out I was introverted or that I sought approval so much. I have no problem standing up for myself at work or in personal relationships. The more you do it, the easier it becomes.

 

Good luck.

Edited July 20, 2011 by Afishwithabike

[Dooda]

Nobody's perfect Carl, all parents make some mistakes, they're living and learning just as much as we are, and often it takes years to realise we did in fact make a mistake.

 

My old man was a real John Wayne character. Big, tough, quiet and hard as nails. Everything was black and white, this is right, that is wrong. That's what he had to be to get along and survive his life, and that's what he raised me to be. On my 18th birthday he told me I was a man, showed me the door and told me to go make my own way in life. It's what his father did to him when he was 16. Of course the world I was stepping into was not the world he grew up in and I had to learn a lot of things the hard way.

 

I've never been disappointed in him though, Carl. He taught me what he knew at the time and what he thought was best at the time. That's pretty much all a parent can do. The rest is for us to learn along he way. Nobody leaves home the finished article.

 

The problem with parenting with parents who are too immature to truly understand that they are flawed is that they expect perfection in their children, and constantly reveal their childrens' mistakes, but reveal a marked resilience to understanding and changing their own mistakes. Thus, the child becomes confused, because he/she is being instructed to better him/herself, while his/her experience(s) are saying otherwise.

The best parent is one who displays not through words, but through actions.

If a parent is imperfect, then he/she should fairly expect imperfection from what is his/her own genetic offspring. The problem is, is that, mostimes, parents expect more from their children than what they expect from themselves.

And the children have to deal with this.

[goldmoon]

I can personally strongly relate to your story and I am trying to help on the basis of my recent research on this. I found this information very helpful - it is scientific and based on a large number of clinical cases.

 

The effects of overly controlling / overly protecting toxic parents - which case seems to be applicable to you as well - are considered just as harmful as the consequences of parents of other kinds of abuse. As the experts say, all kinds of abuse leave the same scars. The effects of the controlling parents can extend to a longer period of time because they keep abusing you - mostly through emotional blackmail and other manipulation - while you become a second-class citizen in your own life with a one-way ticket to spoiled relationships and other failures. (Most of the generic effects of narcissistic parents that are applicable to daughters of narcissistic mothers are also applicable to their sons.)

 

They can even undermine your sanity by making you believe - as well as everyone around them - that you are bad / insane / ungrateful, while they claim to be perfect and loving parents. They will claim that if they appear to be controlling is just for your "own good", because you, even as an adult, are inadequate, unable to make the right decisions, etc.

 

A part from the book "Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited" by Sam Vaknin:

 

"The narcissistic mother is a control freak and does not easily relinquish good and reliable sources of "narcissistic supply" (admiration, adulation, attention of any kind). It is the role of her children to replenish this supply, the children owe it to her. To make sure that the child does not develop boundaries, and does not become independent, or autonomous, the narcissistic parent micromanages the child's life and encourages dependent and infantile behaviors in her offspring.

 

Such a parent bribes the child (by offering free lodging or financial support or "help" with daily tasks) or emotionally blackmails the child (by constantly demanding help and imposing chores, claiming to be ill or disabled) or even threatens the child (for instance: to disinherit her if she does not comply with the parent's wishes). The narcissistic mother also does her best to scare away anyone who may upset this symbiotic relationship or otherwise threaten the delicate, unspoken contract. She sabotages any budding relationship her child develops with lies, deceit, and scorn."

 

I could go on forever quoting from books and from material on the net - instead I can only recommend to do research on toxic/narcissistic parents and how to heal yourself and get free from their effects. Seeking individual therapy either alone or together with your girlfriend can also help. I wish the very best for both of you

Edited July 25, 2011 by goldmoon

[Almond_Joy]

I have concluded that even if you had the best parents in the world there would still be aspects to their nature that you would dislike. In this sense it is pointless to moan about anything within a semi normal childhood. In essence, I would put money on you not taking one bit of notice if your parents had even been cool.. in many respects this is often a worse experience for young people. All in all, children rarely listen to anything they are told and learn mostly via experiences.

 

OP, there is an editting process that goes on within us all which I reckon lends to put ourselves in the better light. This editting process basically omits many things that happened as you grew up. These things tend to come up once you see them in your own children but until then there are few parents thought of in a favourabe light. I think it is just how it is. Then there is another thing I have observed, that of people who develop a 'false self'. This false self contains aspects of who they ideally would want to be but hold little resemblance to who they actually are. It is like a mixture of phrases and ideals picked up along the way which often does not match how they really behave. I see this as developing largely as an ideal based on wanting to be like another person who is usually elevated beyond the normal human range.

 

H'mmm.. I have considered al these things and many more too at length and at the root I think that having a rebellious streak and living true to it is the grand aim of most if not all young people. Mostly they then torture themselves as to whether they have lived up to this aim. At the core it may be that you have taken on aspects of your perception of yourself from how your own parents themselves behave.. consider that for a moment please. Yes, what you have observed may not be deliberate on their part. They too may be prisoners of the same existentialism! With this in mind, do they now just become simply not good enough for you?

 

What matters is that you now carry a torch. Make sure that what you do will strengthen your family line. Or it may end with you, if you decide it too much to be doing with repeating with children of your own. So, alas, it may be that you may simply not like your own reflection.

 

Finding ways of improving yourself is a very good sign indeed. The true question has always been, 'who are you?' Sadly ones parents cannot define this for their children.

 

If I were you I would take a look at what you crave right now and try and work out if this has always been there or whether this is something new. It is funny how we can pick up on something and then carry it with us as though it was always there. It maybe that you think that your girlfriend is stronger than you and envy her upbringing? It maybe that key situations went unresolved as a child and your brain is still trying to figure out what exactly happened. Thankfully you don't have a history of abuse to consider here.

 

In total, I think that different people come to the realisation that their parents are human at different times and the reaction to this varies across individuals. I know that my children don't see me as a woman with my own wants and needs. I am basically a walking reference point to them... who does stuff. Their aim is to get me to do as much as possible for them but this has lessened now (thank goodness)

 

Sorry, I do waffle..

 

OP, your parents probably are a bit wet and probably not been able to go far beyond meeting your basic needs but they did what they could with what skills they had available. Instead, I say look at what is motivating these current thoughts of yours with a friend or maybe a therapist. Methinks you are now ready to take on a new level of personal responsibility more than this being a negative realisation... but the path you take is up to you. It is my opinion that most choose to dispose of their past and instead try and and make a home in the false self. Usually to please someone else.

 

IDK, my kids seem to have never really took me that serious though they respect me. They basically mess me about because they know I love them. The main changes have come about in their being able to reach out to me as much as I have really always reached out to them. At this current time they cannot see how they have changed, at all.

 

All in all OP, there may actually be nothing wrong with you. This maybe one of many awakening points of just another challenge bought on by pressures felt within a key relationship. Don't try to re-define yourself too firmly... especially with something as bogus as thinking yourself 'too nice'. Rather continue to look at ways to enjoy your life, become more assertive and fluid and accept that your parents were not and cannot be super human.

 

Lol, I suppose my bias is very much that I envy that you had parents.

 

I wish you well on your journey,

Take care,

Eve x

 

 

Eve,

 

I know this isn't the place for it, but I really like the way you write. I imagine you talk the same way and it's quite interesting to think about. Hats off to you for captivating diction, I guess lol.

[Eve]

Eve,

 

I know this isn't the place for it, but I really like the way you write. I imagine you talk the same way and it's quite interesting to think about. Hats off to you for captivating diction, I guess lol.

 

lol, thanks! I really respect the process where others open up and I do try and walk alongside that. I think I will chase this aspect of 'life in it's unfolding' till my last breath! I suppose I am in love with eureka moments and really believe that each of us already has the answers we are looking for. Sometimes we just need a bit of help to focus back to our core self.

 

I suppose I am quite atttached to testing out what the mind is. I am intrigued with the potential that can happen if we learn to focus the mind to find what we love rather than what we hate. Folowing this aim has completely changed my existence! Overall, I think my committment to this process is why I present as I do.

 

Anyhow, I hope the OP has found a eureka moment or two within his readings and is in a better place and that this is adding to his world and the world at large.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[Eve]

Eve is so smart! I would send her a private message, asking for advice, but I cannot do so yet.

 

I am actually quite ditzy most of the time and can't spell too great.. I am definitely a born dreamer and madly idealistic..

 

Thanks though! You seem far smarter than I!

 

PM me but I am a bit crap at responding back very quickly.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[MafLiliafaw]

proscar price walmart railroad track plans book amazon magazine. infections augmentin does not work on ny national poultry improvement plan elimite no prescription . lipitor alopecia sample business plan electrical contractororder celebrex 200mg.

[linwood]

 

I don't want to blame my failures/flaws completely on my parents because I do believe in personal responsibility and accountability. At the same time, I feel that it's the job of parents to teach a child about life situations and to help them value themselves and make them feel that it's ok to have feelings.

 

As if you would have actually listened to them anyway.

 

You apparently see what your problems are so you have a couple of choices.

 

1: Fix them.

2: Continue to be the spineless jellyfish you are throughout your life while blaming your parents for your shortcomings.

 

You make the call.

 

[biggirl2012]

You're grown now, you can change.

If I were you I would take a look at what you crave right now and try and work out if this has always been there or whether this is something new. It is funny how we can pick up on something and then carry it with us as though it was always there. It maybe that you think that your girlfriend is stronger than you and envy her upbringing? It maybe that key situations went unresolved as a child and your brain is still trying to figure out what exactly happened. Thankfully you don't have a history of abuse to consider here.

 

In total, I think that different people come to the realisation that their parents are human at different times and the reaction to this varies across individuals. I know that my children don't see me as a woman with my own wants and needs. I am basically a walking reference point to them... who does stuff. Their aim is to get me to do as much as possible for them but this has lessened now (thank goodness)

phan mem seo ,phan mem seo ,phan mem seo ,phan mem seo ,phan mem dang tin