ilovepinkjelly Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 First of all, I have always had a strict 'if he cheats, he's out' policy, due to my Dad having an affair and the subsequent mess it caused when I was a child. But now it has happened to me, the shades of grey seem less obvious. My boyfriend and I have been dating since 19. We are now both 25. Over the last 6 years we have both been to University, moved away from home, started out on our careers, and changed a lot. We have tried not to rush things, tried to ensure we both have a chance to be independent, and as such are far from 'conventional'. Although we were living together for 3 years, it was with other friends as well, we very rarely discussed our future, we gave each other a lot of space (more than is perhaps normal). This is mainly due to the fact that my boyfriend has commitment issues, and I have in the past been two scared to push him, make clear my wishes, or make him talk about this. The issues have, in short, been a giant elephant in the room. A few months ago, he started really freaking out. We are about to hit our 6 year anniversary. A lot of our mutual friends, who settled down at the same time we did, began to get engaged. His sister, a year older than him, got engaged to her boyfriend of two years. His brother got a place with his girlfriend after only 6 months. He started thinking, 'why am I not ready to do that?' He began questioning our relationship. To avoid me, and sorting the problem, he started going out with his work friends more and more. I knew something was up, but, scared, buried my head. This culminated in him being drunk out of sight and kissing a colleague. She made more moves than him, but they both kissed each other. It lasted only a second, and he immediately said it was a mistake. He then decided that it meant he wasn't sure enough about me, and had to end it. After three days apart, he wanted me back and said he had finally sorted out his head. I kept him waiting for a month, and moved out of my flat. We are now back together, and he does seem so much more at ease, happy and committed. We are talking about our future, and plan to move in together as a proper couple soon. After two years, he asked me to introduce him to my work colleagues. After 6 years of him constantly asking for more space, it is now me asking to be left alone more than him! And most importantly we have talked so much, and we feel so much closer now than ever. I genuinely think we are perfect for each other, and our personalities compliment each other very well. We 'get' each other, without being too similar, and he is my best friend. I totally understand why the kiss happened, and as a friend, don't judge him for it: people make mistakes. The only bit is the cheating. It worries me. Will he do it again? Can I trust him to go out and get drunk on his own again? Do you think it is a sign of weakness to forgive a cheater? Does what he did even qualify as cheating to you? What do you think?? Link to post Share on other sites
sm1tten Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 If you are still worried about the cheating - and I think that's a natural reaction - then your relationship has not fully healed from it. And you will become suspicious, which will cause him to withdraw, and that will do just as much damage as if he actually DOES cheat again. There is always a chance that he will commit (another) indiscretion. Only you can decide whether to trust him or not. I would definitely be wary. How long ago did this happen? It seems fairly recent, which makes me think that you should play it by ear for a few months or so to see if the changes stick and you're both happy, and that he isn't just overcompensating for fear of losing you or being alone. What he did would be considered cheating to me, and I don't know if I would forgive it because I'm not in your shoes or relationship, but I don't think there is a blanket rule on forgiveness. If you are really willing and ready to forgive, then do. But don't say it if you don't mean it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ilovepinkjelly Posted July 26, 2011 Author Share Posted July 26, 2011 Thank you for your reply It was very recent, about three months ago, but we have only been 'back together' for two months. It has taken me a while to get to grips with the bit where he said he didn't want to be with me, and realise it was just a big 'freak out' on his part. I now trust that he is secure and certain in his commitment to me. But now that bit is healing, I have had more time to think about the kiss, and I can't seem to heal. I can't work out if it was a friendly kiss that went wrong, if there was an emotional connection, or if she came into him and it was a bit less awkward to respond than not! He gets all knotted up and upset talking about it, which doesn't help. I have decided to send him an email with all my questions, as that way he can't get all tongue tied and upset, and can answer in a less messy way! I'm also half thinking about getting in touch with the colleague in question... I really want to save this, and I trust that he won't do it again... But I don't deserve to be in a relationship with such a painful memory! Thank you again for your reply xxxx Link to post Share on other sites
superchiefs Posted July 26, 2011 Share Posted July 26, 2011 I think you need to let the kiss go. Look at the positive, he didnt make out with the girl. He didnt take the girl home and have sex with her. It only happened once. You punished him for it, so he knows that if he does something like that again, he will risk losing you. So now you just need to let it go and trust him again. If you cant trust him, you might as well end the relationship now save both you and him a bunch of time and heartache. Link to post Share on other sites
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