When I Was The OW

[SecretFlower]

I have a confession to make. This afternoon I went out with a group of women from my yoga class. We were discussing the usual guys, clothes, gossip and one of the ladies mentioned a women whose husband had been found with a mistress. Well, as I was sitting there listening to the conversation I felt awful. My cheeks burned, I felt like I was dying, because I’ve been there. I was that GIRL. It was like someone was telling my story.

 

From now on I’ll address him as Thomas (it had always been the name we used in secret) and his wife as Sarah. We met in high school, I was 16 and he was 19. I thought he was the cutest thing I’d ever seen but I was insecure and in complete denial that he could even see me. I later found out he had had a thing for me from the moment he had first meet me. We, as most people do, went our separate ways until I met him one day at a party. I was now 19 and he was 21. Our relationship began quickly we started with just a few meetings at coffee shops and once a dinner at a local restaurant. He, of course, was still with his long-term high school sweetheart and completely off limits. I didn’t care. For the first time the boy I had glanced at wistfully for years was in front of me and kissing me and I was infatuated.

 

To friends and family I scoffed and chalked up to being just friends, but in private I was falling for him. He called me every night and I can’t tell you how many times he snuck me out at 2am for a date. During those first months I never even considered Sarah. I never considered what the outcome of our relationship would be. I knew they were still together, but I didn’t bring it up. I figured when the time came he’d either break up with her or I’d leave. I never planned on our relationship becoming a long-term thing. I was going to go to New York and Thomas would live his suburban life with Sarah. Things changed though, our relationship got even more complicated and our web even stickier. He had fallen in love with me and was confused as to what he should do. He and Sarah were happy and he knew he couldn’t just leave her. They had been together for years and friends for even longer, so there was no way he could just end it. For the next two years we played a very dangerous game. I went to parties at their place and even had a cordial relationship with Sarah. He went on trips with me, we even traveled to Greece for two weeks together without anyone knowing.

 

The problems started that second year. Sarah got pregnant and I was insistent on leaving. I told him I refused to let him cheat on his son or daughter so I left. For six months, I lived without him in New York. That was until he showed up on my doorstep unshaven and a mess. Sarah had lost the baby shortly after they got married. I was heartbroken. He told me they had moved to New York (she had relatives on the east coast). Thomas told me that he wanted to be with me that he still loved me. I refused and told him I wouldn’t be his mistress. We fought and he kept showing up. He said their marriage was miserable, but he couldn’t leave her. I was confused, a part of me loved him but I hated that he would never fully be mine. One night, I agreed to go out with him and found he had taken me to my favorite restaurant and bought us tickets to my favorite band. He was gentle and sweet and everything I remembered him to be. Just like that I was hooked. We met up every chance we could and when I got the opportunity to work in India for two months I checked first with him to see if it was alright. Somehow, Thomas managed to convince Sarah that he had a job overseas as well and off we went as a couple to brave India.

 

I loved every minute of it and so did he. We worked well as a team and we talked about our future. He talked about us running away together and living different lives with children and a life free of burdens. We dreamt of being together publicly. By now we had been together off and on for over four years. I had dated other men and he had gone back to his wife, but I was still completely in love with him. During the middle of our fourth year I got pregnant and I was mortified. What was I going to do? What was Thomas going to do? He was apprehensive and afraid to make any decisions. It came as no surprise that he was relieved when I miscarried two months later.

 

This devastated me and I insisted on ending our relationship. I became involved with a coworker and we casually dated for about four months before Thomas popped into the picture again. He begged me to come back to him that his life was miserable without me by his side. He told me that all he could think about was the baby and that he had left Sarah. I believed him and even went with him back home to meet his sister and youngest brother. I realized when I got there though that he really hadn’t left her. He introduced me as a friend and said that Sarah had been unable to make the trip. I felt so guilty and crushed, but still I continued with the relationship.

 

It was different this time though. The love I felt for him was not nearly as strong as before and we fought nearly everyday. He knew it and I knew it that the relationship we had had was impossible to regain. I had once been able to look at him and only see the man that I loved. But know I saw a man who was flawed and bitter with an intense edge that could be frightening. His silence used to make me happy and now I just wanted him to do something. We carried on like this for nearly two more years before our relationship officially began to collapse.

 

One could say the final hurdle was the subway incident. I met my fiancé after I huge fight with Thomas that ended with me crying on the subway. He offered me a napkin and a ear, which in all actuality ended my relationship with Thomas. After I met Jo we went out for coffee and then to his place where we talked and laughed for nearly ten hours. For the next three days I spent all the time I could with him. I told him about Thomas and he counseled me one what he thought I should do. For the first time in seven years I finally saw our relationship for what it had been. An affair. Throughout the entire time I had chalked it up to being a relationship and I saw him as my partner. But he wasn’t, he was someone else’s husband and I felt nauseous at the thought. The very next day I got in touch with Thomas. He was worried sick, he thought something had happened to me and he had called my mom and step dad (who wisely had not told him where I really was). I told him we were done and that I couldn’t do it anymore. He ranted, screamed, cried, and belittled me but I was done. Finally, he asked me to wait and I said I couldn’t. I remember he stood and looked at me for what felt like eternity before kissing me. When I asked him why he just shrugged and said that he wanted to remember the way he remembered me most. Know that I look back on those moments they feel cheap and miserable whereas then I had found them heartbreakingly depressing.

 

Just like that Thomas was gone. I found out recently that he and Sarah moved just weeks after to Brooklyn. They’ve since divorced and have a son.

 

Writing this out has been incredibly painful and incredibly uplifting. I can’t be sure if you’ll understand why I did what I did. I can’t be sure that you won’t judge me or never want to read something I’ve written again. It’s been several years since we officially ended and I’m engaged, but I still feel as if I should feel guiltier than I do. I regret how long I carried on with the affair, but I can’t say I regret the affair at large. Should I feel differently?

[sandrawg]

Thanks so much for your story. I, personally, need to read this right now. I met someone over a month ago whom I've become very close to, and unfortunately, he has a girlfriend. I know it's not a marriage, but..it still feels wrong for many reasons. He calls me and IMs me all the time...every day, several times a day. It's like we're courting, but he's made it clear he's trying to work things out with this girl he's been off and on with, for 6 years.

 

Your story makes me realize, if I don't break this off, I could end up as you. I'm glad you don't regret the affair..I'm sure you grew and learned a lot from it.

 

I am not a big believer in regret. I think it serves no purpose. And who are we, to tell you what you should or should not feel about someone for whom you clearly had deep feelings?

[fooled once]

I understand your story/journey. Put the past behind you and end that chapter. You won't be able to fully embrace your future husband and your marriage until you forgive yourself and close the past. The only one you are hurting is yourself. Let the past go. Move forward confidently and keep going forward.

[heartinlove]

What a story. Im glad you are happily engaged now and have moved on.

 

Im curious. Why couldn't he end his marriage with his wife if they were miserable, especially since there were no kids? Its hard to wrap my head around that one. How were you ok with that for such a long time?

[SecretFlower]

What a story. Im glad you are happily engaged now and have moved on.

 

Im curious. Why couldn't he end his marriage with his wife if they were miserable, especially since there were no kids? Its hard to wrap my head around that one. How were you ok with that for such a long time?

 

There were a number of reasons. Or at least that's what he told me. First of all, he was miserable not her. She had been in love with him for years and they had been friends since they were in school. I guess he had trouble getting over the fact he'd be breaking her heart. Second, we all came from a very close-knit, catholic town in the midwest and it was unheard of for a married man to leave his wife for his mistress. I accepted this, because like him I was born and bred catholic and knew it went against our beliefs. What I didn't count on was the uncertainty I would feel and there were certainly times I regretted my choice.

 

As for how I was ok with it, honestly I didn't think about it. I spent half the time justifying the relationship because I was so inlove with him and the other half feeling guilty for numerous reasons. I think I stayed because I loved him and I was comfortable. It wasn't like we were hiding. We saw eachother sometimes three times a week. He used to meet me for lunch breaks and after work. His wife worked odd hours and we used that to our advantage. When we were together it felt like a relationship and we did nothing to hide it. I can remember numerous relationships where he would refer to me as his wife or girlfriend. I know now that I could never do that again (not that I would) and I know I could never handle the pressure of the lies like before.

[SecretFlower]

Thanks so much for your story. I, personally, need to read this right now. I met someone over a month ago whom I've become very close to, and unfortunately, he has a girlfriend. I know it's not a marriage, but..it still feels wrong for many reasons. He calls me and IMs me all the time...every day, several times a day. It's like we're courting, but he's made it clear he's trying to work things out with this girl he's been off and on with, for 6 years.

 

Your story makes me realize, if I don't break this off, I could end up as you. I'm glad you don't regret the affair..I'm sure you grew and learned a lot from it.

 

I am not a big believer in regret. I think it serves no purpose. And who are we, to tell you what you should or should not feel about someone for whom you clearly had deep feelings?

 

Hi Sandrawg,

 

That was me at the begining of the relationship. He had been dating "Sarah" for about two years and our relationship started with just friendly flirting, casual dates that sort of thing. I can't say he persued me as it was definitely mutual but there was this connection we both thought needed to be explored. Good luck and be careful!

[NoIDidn't]

Wow. What a story! Sounds intense. And you were so young with all this confusion.

 

I don't think there is any reason for you to feel differently. You live, you learn. I'm glad you didn't let this relationship rob you of the chance to find real love elsewhere.

 

Thanks for sharing your story.

[piscis]

Hi secretflower!!

What a story!!

I think that if you feel different yous hsould feel wiser and stronger and even proud for you to be able to look at your story from where you are now.

Thanks for sharing!!