I love her very much, but not attracted to her physically. Help.

[peanutbutter]

I met Brenda thru when she responded to my online person ad. She had concurrently placed a similar ad of her own that day. We are 14 months into our monogamous relationship.

 

I moved in with her at her home since August of last year so that would make us living together for about 8 months.

 

The way I would describe our relationship is as follows. From day one I have not been sexually attracted to her because she did not conform to neither of my two ideal body types namely: slim, toned and fit or curvy, busty, yet still firm and active.

 

What has endeared her tremendously to my heart however, is her little girl warmth and dependency (physical dependency of protection and strength not financial as she is perfectly self sufficient in that regard). She is smart, funny, thoughtful and has a heart the size of Texas.

 

Because it had been several years since being in any type of girlfriend-boyfriend relationship I opened up myself to be willing to try to make this relationship work. I told her that my proclivity was towards very busty, fitness model types and Brenda sympathized from day one and said that she always fantasized about getting a boob job which peaked my interest immediately .... she saw the smile on my face and secondly, that she was well on her way of dropping 150 lbs. from her 5'2" frame in 2003.

 

In 2002, before I met her she was about 275 (from a car accident that she survived - her boyfriend died). She went thru physical therapy on her back and knee and managed to slowly come around to becoming physically active. Enter me. She lost 75 lbs when I entered into the picture. And now she is down to 160 lbs. after losing an additional 40 lbs. in the 14 months we've been together. She runs 4 days a week and lifts weights three days a week.

 

However, we've gone down to having sex 3-4 times per month (only on weekends). Essentially, once a week for the most part. She and I are coming to a conclusion that I simply can't reprogram my brain and get away from desiring the busty fitness model types. I love Brenda and how hard she tries to progress thru her fitness goals. But the reality of it is that I am seeing and that she is also aware of is that her loose skin on her thighs, tummy and triceps area of her arms would need significant plastic surgery in addition to the breast enhancement that we were planning for later this year.

 

I've tried to break off with Brenda on 4 or even 5 separate occasions explaining to her that I didn't think we could satisfy one another sexually in the long run. One month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and 13 months did I try to delicately tell her that I was trying but could not change into being sexually attracted to her any more than just mildly. Each time she cried and I felt sooo sooo sad and sorry for her and my heart just hurt sooo

much for her as a human being, that each time I told her it would be OK and that we would work it out. She would say each time that she is trying so hard to run and lift weights and that she is making such good progress on the weight scale and she would tell me that our hearts belonged together because we understood each other's needs so well, that we love each other so much (we do) that we could work it out if we continued to try.

 

So each time we would hug and kiss and make love to make up. We would smile and feel really good about life again and our relationship but only for a few months at a time. Because eventually she would again start getting uncomfortable with my surfing the internet to feed my voyeuristic appetite for buxom strippers or super flexible gymnastics, yoga or fitness models or watching the FitTV channel to get my glimpse of aerobic or body sculpting females. But the reality of

it is that titillating images like that are what keeps me happy in life and upbeat. Is that a crime?

 

Another point is that I have fantasized about being with other women on a "one night stand" basis, but I would never do that to Brenda. I couldn't with a straight face and my heart wants to protect her from that kind of sadness and pain.

 

So what do you think I should do? I want to cry at the thought of breaking her heart. I feel like a big brother to her that wants to hug and snuggle her to make her happy and be a good boyfriend to her but at the same time I've never had the sharp, titillating sexual cravings for her that I earn to have with a real fit, tone and sexy young gal that I may never meet. Brenda says that I would be foolish to continue searching for that unattainable goal. The naive kid in me feels that some day I maybe could find that 10 or 15 year younger fitness lady that is as compatible with my personality that Brenda and I are, as long as I don't give up and settle now. The point is Brenda and I ARE very compatible and I’m in love with her, but she doesn’t have the body that I crave. Should I settle now and continue hoping that Brenda and I will achieve our mutual desires or are we just kidding ourselves and prolonging the inevitable? Please help me clearly think this through.

 

Brenda has gotten me to read a book titled "Centerfold Syndrome" ... it pretty much describes me and the cause of the strain in our sexual relationship... Even though I suffer from CS I don't think of it as a malady ... Brenda is proud of me for being so open and understanding about reading it. Actually, it as a very good and interesting book. I'm about a 3rd of the way into it.

 

By the way, I myself am very lean and physically active and fit.

[moimeme]

FitTV channel to get my glimpse of aerobic or body sculpting females. But the reality of

it is that titillating images like that are what keeps me happy in life and upbeat. Is that a crime?

 

Well, one would hope that someone would derive his happiness in life from something a bit more substantial, but if you agree that you have 'Centrefold Syndrome' and you're unwilling to try to change it, tell Brenda that you need the perfect body and can not trade anything else for it.

 

Do not ever, EVER get involved with someone who isn't your perfect type again. And if you find that elusive woman who has it all, pray like hell that she doesn't ever gain weight.

[befuddled11]

Going to quote a few of the comments you've made and make my own comments:

 

"I moved in with her at her home since August of last year so that would make us living together for about 8 months."

 

You moved quickly, didn't you? I mean, doing the math, that would mean that you moved in with her after only 6 months together. That's a bit fast, no? And out of curiosity, why was it HER HOME that you moved to, and not the other way around? Did you have your own home prior to dating her, or what?

 

"Because it had been several years since being in any type of girlfriend-boyfriend relationship"

 

I'd be curious to know *why* it had been several years that you'd not been in a relationship. Any particular reason, do you think?

 

"I told her that my proclivity was towards very busty, fitness model types and Brenda sympathized from day one and said that she always fantasized about getting a boob job which peaked my interest immediately"

 

Poor Brenda. She knew from day one that she didn't "measure up" to your standards..and YOU knew from day one that she didn't, yet you moved into her life and home anyway. What the hell for? And from "day one" it got you all excited to learn that she was getting a boob job in the future and that admittedly "peaked your interest"? So from the very beginning, you entered into her life and brought hers into yours, on the basis of her "changing" to fit YOUR standards. How special.

 

"In 2002, before I met her she was about 275 (from a car accident that she survived - her boyfriend died). She went thru physical therapy on her back and knee and managed to slowly come around to becoming physically active. Enter me. She lost 75 lbs when I entered into the picture. And now she is down to 160 lbs. after losing an additional 40 lbs. in the 14 months we've been together. She runs 4 days a week and lifts weights three days a week."

 

Poor Brenda has been through hell and back. She lived through an accident which took the life of her boyfriend........had to no doubt endure months of painful and grueling physical therapy, watching her body slowly change to a larger one......and the girl ends up busting her arse to lose well over 100 lbs.....running 4 days a week and lifting weights the other 3 days a week. My hat is off to her, big time. She's endured a lot of loss (loss of a boyfriend, loss of her physique, etc). Yet you would have known from the start that she wasn't "your type"......but you intermingled your life with her, all in hopes she'd change into your "type of woman." How rich.

 

"I love Brenda and how hard she tries to progress thru her fitness goals. But the reality of it is that I am seeing and that she is also aware of is that her loose skin on her thighs, tummy and triceps area of her arms would need significant plastic surgery in addition to the breast enhancement that we were planning for later this year. "

 

No doubt you've brought it to her attention, this "loose skin." Do you think it was HER FAULT that she was in an accident and she ended up in the shape she's in? Who do you think you are? And what's with this "the breast enhancement WE were planning for later this year."

 

What, were you also going to be having breast enhancement surgery, too......'cause unless you're going to be lying there on the operating room table with her, putting yourself at risk for complications of anesthetic and surgery, and infection......there's no "WE" in any of this.

 

You've likely made her feel that she's simply not "good enough" for you unless she conforms herself to "your standards." I feel sorry for this gal........because she's obviously working her arse off to be good enough for you, but apparently it's not good enough. So why you got involved with, and MOVED IN WITH someone who wasn't up to snuff in your eyes...is beyond me. Her self esteem is likely in the toilet because she knows what your expectations are, and she knows that although she's trying to meet them, it's not happening as quickly as you'd like.

 

"I've tried to break off with Brenda on 4 or even 5 separate occasions explaining to her that I didn't think we could satisfy one another sexually in the long run. One month, 3 months, 6 months, 9 months and 13 months did I try to delicately tell her that I was trying but could not change into being sexually attracted to her any more than just mildly. Each time she cried and I felt sooo sooo sad and sorry for her and my heart just hurt sooo much for her as a human being, that each time I told her it would be OK and that we would work it out."

 

How big of you to have thought of her as a human being, and to have broken up with her so many times (or tried to), yet you just kept on being the saint and sticking with her. Dude, you're not doing her any favors at all.....in fact, you're further knocking down her sense of self esteem, worth and confidance in herself as a woman. What woman, deep down, wants to have to keep begging her guy to stay with her..........after he's made it clear that he wants a big-t*tted fitness freak for a girlfriend? She's likely clinging to you because she feels that nobody else would even want her, as obviously you really don't..you're only staying because you pity her.

 

"Because eventually she would again start getting uncomfortable with my surfing the internet to feed my voyeuristic appetite for buxom strippers or super flexible gymnastics, yoga or fitness models or watching the FitTV channel to get my glimpse of aerobic or body sculpting females. But the reality of it is that titillating images like that are what keeps me happy in life and upbeat. Is that a crime?"

 

In the event that you're not a troll, and you really are this insensitive and obtuse, here's what I think about the above excerpt: wait, nevermind. I don't even know what to say to such nonsense. What I'd like to say, is probably against the forum guidelines.

 

 

"Another point is that I have fantasized about being with other women on a "one night stand" basis, but I would never do that to Brenda. I couldn't with a straight face and my heart wants to protect her from that kind of sadness and pain. "

 

What a great humanitarian you are......to want to *cough cough* protect her from the sadness and pain. If you really *DID* love her as you claim to, the thought of boinking anyone else wouldn't even enter your mind. Period.

 

How truly sad and telling, of your girlfriend's state of mind.....that she's had to go out and get a book for you titled "Centerfold Syndrome." She must feel like sh*t, as a woman, a lover and a girlfriend. Why she doesn't kick your butt to the curb, is beyond me.....but she's likely so beat down in the self esteem department that she doesn't have the courage YET to do so. She likely feels that because you don't really want her, nobody else would either. I only hope someone will encourage Brenda to get herself into counselling.........because remaining with you is going to continue being detrimental to her physical and emotional health.

 

You should have NEVER EVER EVER gotten together with her, let alone moved in with her, if you KNEW from the start that she wasn't physically attractive to you.

 

Let me ask you this...do you work? Do you pay your fair share of the rent/mortgage, bills, groceries, expenses? Or does Brenda pay most or all of it? Are you gainfully employed in a full time job?

[Jon S.]

I can understand having regrets about getting with someone who isn't physically attractive to you, but you've dug yourself into a deep hole, here.

 

If you love her, you'll probably have to spend the rest of your life without being physically satisfied by her. So watch your videos in private. In the meantime, you need to provide her with the satisfaction and warmth that she deserves for putting up with your ****.

 

If you can't get past it, you need to either pay for the surgery yourself, or remove yourself from her life.

[SoleMate]

I'm going to cut right to the heart of the matter - you are not physically attracted to your SO. That is a MAJOR problem. Of course, everyone else is right, you have gotten yourself into a hole. You've also turned YOUR feelings into BRENDA's problem, so now SHE is the one working to fix something that broke on your side.

 

My advice is harsh and painful for both of you, but here goes: Don't stay with an SO who repulses you just out of pity. Neither of you is getting what you deserve. After you break up, I hope you will go and do some intense headwork to understand why you got into a relationship like this, and how you will avoid it next time.

 

I suspect that there is a lot going on that you have not admitted even to yourself.

[spencer]

I agree with everything befuddled said,

 

let me add, something too.

fit, lean ,busty, model type women would never give you the time of day.

they are interested in fit, wealthy, powerful, or famous men.

 

though, i would like to see you date one of these women,

so you could experience what its like to not measure up. you know like i would love to see you date, say ,Pamela Anderson, and everytime you dropped your drawers you would see her disapointment that you don't have what Tommy has.

 

you should 'be a man' and leave Brenda, Let her find a man, who will treat her like the incrediable woman she is.

you think your doing her a favor, by staying (preventing her from finding another guy)

your not, this is delusional thinking on your part.

 

besides, the next time a another guy shows her any kind of interest, she will gravitate to the person that makes her feel good. that probably won't be you.

 

this is your problem, not hers, you fix it, rather than trying to fix her.

 

and you know what, as an attractive, lean ,fit, model type, busty girl, myself, I would have thrown your ass to the curb so fast your head would spin.

no woman is going to want to be with you if they know how you treated Brenda.

 

I would tell you to go out and find that ideal girl, and laugh my way back to sanity,to see you not be able to have anyone that resembles your ideal. you will so wish that you could have someone like a Brenda again.

 

get over yourself.

give Brenda our love