My BW wants to meet my ex-OW

[donnamaybe]

I read it quite differently than you did. I read that the BS had the right to talk to the OW no matter what the OW thought. That she was expected to bow to the right of the BS and THAT is what I responded to. As far as a right , apart from the MM/WS, absoluetly.

I was referring to this actual thread in which the OW already said she would meet up with the BS.

[Summer Breeze]

I was referring to this actual thread in which the OW already said she would meet up with the BS.

 

No, actually you referred back to my comment about disagreeing that BS did not have a right to speak to the OW.

[donnamaybe]

No, actually you referred back to my comment about disagreeing that BS did not have a right to speak to the OW.

Yes, which was posted in this thread. And aren't we supposed to be talking about the OP's situation?

[Summer Breeze]

Yes, which was posted in this thread. And aren't we supposed to be talking about the OP's situation?

 

Ok. So donnamaybe rules allow her to respond to something I said but I can't do the same. Got it. I really must go over the T and Cs again.

 

I gave my comments when I made the comment you referred to so I did respond to the OP. Now I will end this tj.

[donnamaybe]

Glad we got that straight.

 

Just kidding!

[MissBee]

Hmmm.... If that's true, then I guess every single WS is pu**y for not confronting the issues with the BS.

 

I think this is the case!

[Stuck in Vertigo]

There are a lot of comments to sift through here.

 

Is this something you want? Why does your wife need this?What's your ex-AP's motivation?

-If it will move the reconciliation process along than yes.

-She wants to get my ex-OW's opinion. See what she has to say. She just wants to know.

-She knew what the possible consequences of what she was getting into were when we began the EA. Having to talk to my wife was one of them. She's comfortable with that.

 

I think your W wants to check her out to see what you saw in her.

It's a possibility, but my Wife isn't the jealous or insecure type. I don't think that's it.

 

Does the X-OW have any information that you haven't told your wife? Or, will she lie and make you look like a liar to your wife?

-No.

-Ex-OW said she wouldn't. I don't see her as a spiteful person so I'm unsure of what she would gain by doing this.

 

Obviously your thread is misplaced. You will receive better responses posting on the infidelity board, where people who have experienced a meeting with the ex-AP can share their experiences.

This board seems to be more active from what I've seen. There is also a larger pool of opinions here.

 

If you are on board with building a new marriage, then you should have no issues with her need for HER form of closure.

I was only curious.

 

I think this all leads to the fact that your wife doesn't trust you now and needs to back up your "story" you've told her.

 

It would be understandable.

 

Talking to the xOW was one of the best things I ever did for closure and my own healing.

 

That's what I'm hoping.

[Stuck in Vertigo]

OP you do sound like you're getting it together but this niggles. I also think she's testing and you might want to think about how she'll feel if a stranger starts answering questions. When I had my talks with her I told her not to ask anything she didn't want the truth for. She asked a few very pointed questions and I answered. He had answered everything truthfully but it was very different hearing things from me.

I'm hoping that it will go something like that. My wife does understand that she could learn things that will hurt her in the long-term, and she's accepted that. It's not the first awful truth she's recieved.

 

As for the lunch date, it's a conversational environment (straight from my wife's mouth).

 

Your wife had an EA affair that she let develop into a full blown physical affair. You had an “exit” EA that you did not let develop into a physical affair; you only had this exit EA after learning of her affair, at a time when you were very vulnerable, hurt and needed comfort because of what she did. Clearly she was the instigator and what she did was much worse, yet somehow she has you believing that what you did was equally bad and that you are now even.

 

Your EA affair was a direct and understandable response to her full blown affair that you did not let develop into a physical affair. You got the comfort and emotional support that you only needed because of her actions. I am happy that you are trying to work it out with your wife, but do not make believe that you were a bad person in this situation. You were just human and trying to deal with a horrible situation that was thrust upon you.

Appreciated. We both know where we stand. We've both made our choices. I just don't want to be victimised right now.

 

Did you want to meet her OM? Honestly.

To answer honestly, I would have liked to have a little chat with him. Even if he would have been dishonest, I'm used to being fed bullsh*t, as you can imagine.

 

If he can stay honest and not let her manipulate him into submission then he has a chance for the best possible outcome

Manipulated? In our entire relationship, I've never seen her manipulate anyone else. Except for her affair, she is a pretty blunt and upfront person.

 

To be honest, she could screw me entirely in a divorce. I spoke to my divorce lawyer a few months ago, and he really can't offer much. If we went through the divorce route, she'd get all the benefits that being married to me provide, without having to worry about my presence. Why would she be so eager to avoid that?

 

I don't know what your ex OW might say...if it's years later and if she's over you it may not be much or may come from a more fair-minded point of view. I totally understand your concerns, that whole thing must be daunting, but what it seems to be is that you want to be in control and in the know of what's gonna happen, what's she gonna say, so on and so forth and in the scenario....you simply can't. You have to expect the good, bad, ugly and indifferent to come out and then only after their convo can you do anything, but before it, you can't really do much.

I'm not worried about controlling her. I can't control anything but myself.

[Stuck in Vertigo]

This is like trying to quantify pain and awfully sophmoric IMHO. It's like saying lap dances with a stripper is less painful than a drunken ONS; not as horrible as a long=term affair, but less than an EA. It all hurts like hell. Period.

 

In all honesty, we're both feeling pretty sh*tty.

 

Since they are both fine with this meeting, if you are now open and honest, I don't see much of a problem here for you.

 

I'm not too worried. But I can't deny that I'm nervous.

 

Hmmm.... If that's true, then I guess every single WS is pu**y for not confronting the issues with the BS.

 

That's one way of putting it.

 

This may be true for some people and for you. For me it worked...every time I did it.

 

My wife is just the kind of person that, when confronted with an issue, will talk it out and try to see the bigger picture.

[spice4life]

My response about manipulation was to the other poster who claims she is being deceiving. I was merely saying that you appear to be a strong stand up guy who knows what he is doing. It wasn't a dig toward your wife, it was a compliment to you. I think you read it out of context or perhaps you were addressing Try's response instead?

 

In any case, good luck. Over and out.