Coping Log (Again :/)

[DontWorryBHappy]

My story is messed up :/. Here is the bullet point version:

 

 

- Ex broke up with me in April, stating he does not love me anymore, and does not know how to love.

 

- I insisted to not be friends despite his request and was strong initially. Went NC for a few weeks while he went away on a trip.

 

- Ran into him sometime after he returned and had a brief conversation about pretty much nothing.

 

- Was shaken by that interaction and made the error of asking him to meet up with me to "catch up".

 

- We met up and spent time together, but nothing changed, and he left again on another trip, which left me devastated.

 

- I finally realized I was wasting my time and he wasn't going to ask for me back so I went NC. Ran into him a few weeks later but ignored his attempts to talk.

 

- Got a phone call from him which I initially ignored, but ended up texting him about it which led to a meet up.

 

- He asked to try us again, and we did try for a week, but it wasnt working. He told me he wanted to get back with me, but AFTER he "learned how to love."

 

- I was extremely broken by this, even more than before. I found it impossible to stay away this time and broke NC numerous times, each time hearing that I had to stay away so he could "come back after he fixes the issues".

 

- Finally I sent a bitter text message declaring that I was glad to stay away from him because I understood that he didn't love me.

 

- A week later I ran into him on campus and lost it. I confronted him and said some stupid stuff and acted jealous about a girl I saw him talking to and was angry in general. He told me he would be happy if I found someone else because he didn't want me to "suffer". I went away crying.

 

- Ran into him AGAIN that same day after talking to people on LS who told me my ex was just using me and playing me. I confronted him again this time with "Tell me the truth, you were just using me!". At first he said he was, because he told me it "seemed like it's what I wanted to hear." I said I wanted the truth, and he said no, he did not use me (debatable).

 

- He said he had to get on the bus and started leaving, but I followed him. I continued asking questions on the bus as he looked uncomfortable. Finally I asked if he still was trying to learn to love to get back with me.

 

- He said NO. He said he had been trying to learn to love for me at first, but he changed his mind partly because I wouldn't leave him alone, and partly because it's just "life". I followed him off the bus and had a few more minutes of uncomfortable, repetitive conversation with him as he stood there colder than dry ice.

 

- Finally I spouted something really emotional about how I had loved him more than I had ever loved anyone, how I couldn't describe how hurt I was, how I felt like a piece of me was missing, and finally that I didn't want him to blame me for how this turned out. Then the bus picked me up.

 

 

 

Part of me wants to cry, and the other part wants to laugh at how crazy all of this was. All of the above took a total of 3 months. I'm sad that my initial strength was lost about half way through and I ended up turning into a horrible, desperate person who did really desperate things. I realize now that this is a lost cause. Even if he did come back he has an incredible amount of serious issues that prevent him from being with me for real anyway. My ex now likely views me as a little flea that he managed to swat away, and there's definitely something agonizing about that thought if I allow myself to think about it. But it is what it is. Back to NC. I doubt my ex will be breaking it anytime soon. It's likely for the best though because of the reasons I stated. It doesn't stop me from being sad however, and still missing what we had, even if it was riddled with holes and was destined to fall apart. It will be a process for me to make peace with this, and with myself, but it MUST be done.

 

Right now I'm just sad... Sad that it turned out this way. Sad that I loved someone so much that couldn't stay with me. I know that I really did love him. I'm finally letting go. Life is now a new adventure with ups and downs... I'm looking forward to finding fulfilling things to fill the void from this loss.

Edited July 20, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Today has been very difficult. The wheels of my mind have been turning all day and they keep coming back around to the same sad place. I feel low for chasing my ex around a couple days ago until he basically had to swat me away. How can I feel better about my actions? Did his feelings about me really change because of a text message and a couple confrontations on campus? Or did his true feelings just finally come out, or was he just saying anything to get me to stop talking to him about us??? I can't make sense of it in my mind yet, and I'm having trouble letting it go. I'm trying to get myself to see the brightness of the world and still see life as a good thing, but I can't yet wrap my mind around my ex not being a part of it. I know I made so many mistakes by holding on to my ex's words as hope for us to get back together, and I made a mistake by wanting answers in a situation that wasn't going to end well and not having the strength to walk away sooner.

 

Sometimes music helps me feel a bit better, and sometimes it's coming on here. I don't know what I've become lately. I seem to exist only to attempt to relieve myself of heartbreak, but I'm not actually living my life. I'm thinking of trying to focus my energies into writing songs, doing art, playing music... stuff like that. I'm an artistic person, and I guess a lot of heartbroken people have been known to create interesting and cool things. I don't believe all is lost for me, this is just very, very hard. I have never been this hurt or affected by someone in my life. Sometimes the pain is so deep that I wish I could disappear. There is, however, a small part of me that's actually thankful that my ex told me he no longer is planning to get back together with me. Before, when he said he was wanting to come back IN THE FUTURE... That made me feel stuck in limbo because I couldn't get myself to not wait for him. NC wasn't really NC... it was just a waiting game for me to see how long it would take before he came back. So I guess I effectively killed the waiting game....

Edited July 20, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Interesting realizations I'm starting to come to. I guess one has to start coming to conclusions after the dust settles and you've got nothing left - not even much hope that the relationship with that person will ever be back. Tonight I'm thinking about how cold my ex was toward me. He was ICE cold... I mean, severely cold. He definitely wanted me to get away from him as soon as possible. Maybe it was partly because I was trying to talk to him in a public place and in an unplanned way.... maybe it was because he really just was tired of me or something. Either way, I will never know the whole truth of that, so all I can remember is the fact that he was cold and unfeeling.

 

I'm starting to associate that last memory with his true feelings for me, and it is getting me to gradually emotionally pull away as well. I'm making small gains in my ability to view my life without my ex... Gradually it is starting to seem like a doable existence, which is amazing compared to my usual feeling that a life without my ex is some kind of death. It's as though, witnessing his coldness and inability to feel for me what I felt for him has tarnished my overall vision of what this could be.

 

To be honest, I'm not 100% sure that my ex will stay away from me forever or try to come back. I really have no idea, absolutely no idea. But I'm to the point where I recognize that if he tried to come back again, it would probably just be to see if I'm still waiting and to provide himself with something self-serving. That just seems like a real possibility to me. I can also see it going the other way, and him just glancing at me whenever we cross paths. If that is to be the case then I'll be content to know that we didn't work out for pretty big reasons. Now... I'm not naive enough to think that I'm doing waaaaay better now than I was earlier today. I know this is a process. But I haven't been thinking this objectively about the situation in.... well, maybe not ever. So I may actually be on the right track this time.

Edited July 21, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[Stupid Girl]

DontWorry, a few things:

 

- I really hope you're NC now (and NOT because you're waiting)!

- That last image of him was not his true feelings for you at any time than the present. From reading your post, it seems pretty clear your ex is not interested in you at all anymore, he is fixing himself so he can meet someone new, and if he does come back, it's only because he knows it would be easy because you'd be there waiting for him.

- I'm the same way about the creativity thing, but in past breakups I have not been like this. I'm a writer, and I've done some of my best writing over my past 4 breakups. But this time, I can't even begin. Maybe it's too recent (3 weeks after a 5 years relationship). I will keep trying

 

Be strong!

[DontWorryBHappy]

Yeah, my ex isn't interested in me - he's much more interested in being "free" and figuring out if he can live a satisfying life in his world of non-emotionalness. I wish him luck with finding someone else who would put up with even half the craziness he dishes out. I dished out a bit of crazy toward the end, but at least mine had a cause, and that would be heartbreak. I am DEFINITELY NC now and it is not getting broken. The odd thing is, I'm actually sort of glad I pushed him to the point where he closed the door on me (metaphorically). It's easier for me to live my life at least knowing the way things are (that the door is closed) rather than allowing myself to believe that the door is still halfway open. Sometimes I tend to lean toward believing that everything happens for a reason, and this is one of those times. That almost pisses me off to say it, because that was one of my ex's life philosophies.

 

Also, if my ex tries to come back he's getting deflected. I'm fully aware that he has serious issues and I'm not going to be put through this again. So if he thinks I'd be "easy" to come back to, he's in for a surprise. But anyhow, I'm more likely expecting to just run into him occasionally on campus as we quickly glance at each other and never say anything. To be honest the idea that he's really gone still makes me feel that I'm living in an endless black hole, but I know I can crawl out of it.... Stupid Girl, I know how it feels to not even be able to begin writing, or painting, or doing things that normally you'd do to relieve stress. Heartbreak is a b*tch...

Edited July 22, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[DontWorryBHappy]

Day 4 NC. This time I'm so much more confident in my definition of NC, because it is more real now than ever. For the first time I am willingly inviting in negative ideas about my ex that everyone else has been trying to get me to believe. That he is a "performer" of emotions, a manipulator, someone who just doesn't understand how to relate, how to feel, how to value other people. I don't know how much of that is ultimately the case, but I'm thinking about all of it. I should have had the self worth to leave from the beginning once I was told that he didn't love me anymore. I let myself be very blinded, but I feel the blinders coming off little by little. I'm very confident that I will completely ignore my ex the next time I see him around, although I can't promise to be unaffected from the inside. I'm acknowledging that I'm a human being who makes mistakes and who has acted impulsively on occasion for reasons that I come up with at the time... but that doesn't make me any less valuable as a human being.

 

I'm also realizing that it's useless to analyze my ex's actions because I will never understand them. I never would tell an ex partner that I don't know how to love, so how could I understand? I can't. And maybe I'm not meant to. I have some things that I'll need to be doing over the next couple weeks so it's time to focus on myself. Thanks for listening all.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I'm tired of myself. Every day I get up and it's no different. I'm too heartbroken to do anything of value. My day is spent trying to put on a false (and probably barely passable) front to those around me so that I can at least be a functional member of society, or appear to be one anyway. It feels like the hurt will never go away and I will not be happy. I have lost all tolerance for other people, I'm barely polite to others anymore... I feel like I've lost all ability to care about anything else other than this one thing that is consuming me. I want to go home and sleep until tomorrow, but I know I'll just wake up and it's the same **** again. I seriously hate my life right now. And whenever I'm on campus I'm always thinking I might see him, because I know I will at some point being that we're at the same school. So I'm all nervous and jittery when I sit somewhere or walk around because one day he'll come around the corner. I hate every part of this.

[love is dangerous]

im soo sorry your going though all this pain , your ex will realise that he had someone that love him so dearly one day , as long as you stay strong and dont give into no contact even if he tries to contact you . stay strong girl and realise you will love again, take him off his pedastal he was just one guy and let go (i know its easier said than done ). your going to go through a rollercoaster of emotions because heartbreak is a bitch but trust me most people have been through it and you will come out stronger. good luck

[DontWorryBHappy]

love is dangerous, thank you for your kind words.. and I agree with your screen name. Right now it is hard to believe that I will love again. I do believe that this is the most heartbreak that I've ever felt from a break up. I still can't totally accept or understand how it all happened. I mean, he said he loved me, then said he didnt, then said he wanted me back, then said he didnt. And now he's totally gone.... GONE. And he doesn't even care. He's just happy to go off on his merry way and shallowly communicate with other people that he could care less about. It's hard being on this campus. I've been debating moving back to my home town for the fall semester to take classes there and then come back here in the spring.

 

Should I do it or stay here?

 

A couple people have told me maybe it would be a good idea, and a couple have told me that it would be running away, and would be bad. I don't know what to do. It's just that this whole place reminds me of my ex, because this is where we shared our relationship, this is where we met. Everywhere I go there are memories. I wonder if life would be a little better in another place, or if it would be the same.

[lovesickmonkey]

I can relate to your wanting to leave campus. I'm still going through heartbreak now and I found some relief when I left my home to visit relatives in Western Pennsylvania. I was actually happy for a week or so, then I had to come back. Of course, everything here reminds me of her or of something we shared or did. I seem to be back where I was a month ago. But I believe that spending enough time here with her not around will break the associations. I mean, they HAVE to, right? I would leave campus only if it doesn't compromise your education in any way. I had a bad break up years ago with a woman I worked with (bad idea) and I had a run-in with her just about every day. Very painful but eventually we both just learned to walk on by. Hang in there. You are so young and so much good lies ahead for you. And YES, what you're going through is good for you, whether you realize it or not. You are going to be kinder, more perceptive, a better judge of character, etc, etc. You'll see.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Monkey, thanks for the input. I don't know, I hope it does make me better... right now it doesn't feel that way. I find myself not too interested in engaging with new people just because every new person I engage with just reminds me that I have to find replacements for the time I spent with my ex, so it just depresses me. I don't run into my ex here all the time, just occasionally. I would say every 1 - 3 weeks.

 

Today I had my first day of job training for a new job. I wasn't too psyched about going because I was in the midst of major depression about my ex but luckily the training distracted me enough to make me forget about all that for a bit, and surprisingly I DID feel better afterward. Not amazing, but an improvement. I think this new job will be a GREAT thing to distract me from the ex, and will probably be a reason why I choose to stay here in the fall rather than move home. If I move home, there's no job there, less people... I may not be better off if I leave....

 

I'm still struggling though. I feel bad because I almost feel rude for the way I chased my ex around in the end. I mean, I was so desperate for some closure/answers that I prodded him and made him feel uncomfortable. And I said a few stupid things due to my emotional state at the time. Then again, my ex made me feel pretty uncomfortable when he broke up with me in the first place, followed by when he asked for me back then left again. Plus, he has said countless stupid things to me as well (more than I've said to him).... So sometimes I feel like that's a reason to not feel as bad about it. I know I am not perfect, so I can't beat myself up forever for not being perfect. I know I did the one thing that my ex can't stand though - demanded information from him about something emotional/serious. My ex ALWAYS shuts down, including during our past relationship, when confronted with emotional/serious stuff... so I should have expected the response he gave me.

 

I dunno, I think I just need to make peace with myself already. I mean yeah, I was emotional, and hurt, and I acted out a few times in moments of weakness until I hit a wall. But the last things I said to him were telling him how I had loved him more than anyone else, and that this hurt more than I could say, and stuff along those lines.... so I'm pretty damn sure he knows I care a lot about him. For some odd reason that gives me comfort, despite the rest of the madness. Life is tough to deal with, and I'm dealing with some personal demons and even medical stuff that was better to deal with when I had someone to come home to that I loved. I guess I'm getting a big lesson right now in surviving on my own.

[lovesickmonkey]

I find myself not too interested in engaging with new people just because every new person I engage with just reminds me that I have to find replacements for the time I spent with my ex, so it just depresses me.

 

I hope this is a natural feeling because I'm feeling the same way. Last night I was out with a fun group and I think I couldn't hide that I was feeling glum. I don't feel like starting over again any time soon and can't yet imagine finding a replacement for her.

 

 

... luckily the training distracted me enough to make me forget about all that for a bit, and surprisingly I DID feel better afterward. Not amazing, but an improvement. I think this new job will be a GREAT thing to distract me from the ex, and will probably be a reason why I choose to stay here in the fall rather than move home.

 

That's good to hear. You have a place to go that makes you forget about your past. That's something I have to find. I'm crying at my job because she found a job in the same town to be closer to my house. If I ever run into her it will be near my job. Ugh.

 

I feel bad because I almost feel rude for the way I chased my ex around in the end. I mean, I was so desperate for some closure/answers that I prodded him and made him feel uncomfortable. And I said a few stupid things due to my emotional state at the time.

 

Don't feel bad about what you did. So many people on this forum can tell similar stories about things they said and did after the breakup that they now regret. It's natural. Years ago I walked right into an ex's family's house and fell to my knees, wrapping my arms around her and crying, begging her to come back. Not pretty, but pure human emotion. So, your ex did deserve to feel uncomfortable for a while, even if it did little to help the situation. I fantasize about confronting my ex CONSTANTLY. I want my questions answered. I want an explanation. I want an apology. I won't get any of it but the things I would say to her if I got the chance are going through my head all the time. I'm amazed how long it's taking for me to feel better and I'm realizing that it's a slow, uneven process that's going to take its time. The same goes for all of us.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Thanks Monkey, you seem to be a kind soul yourself who deserves to be happy. I may have found a new job, but I'm still at the same school. It's ok though, I believe with time both you and I will notice that these places that remind us of an ex are just "places". I do realize today that the main thing my actions post-breakup show are that I was a fragile human being who was hurt and who couldn't yet accept that the person I cared about so much didn't feel the same. It's not as though I was purposely trying to hurt someone, or make them annoyed, or anything like that. I'm sure my ex will look back at my actions and think to himself, "she was really hurt".. although he may not be giving it much thought anyway, and it's not my job to care anymore.

 

Anyway, today is day 5 NC. In the past day 5 was still a horrible day filled with missing my ex so much that I felt I'd been hit by a truck ten times over. But today.. I actually feel alright. There are a couple things unrelated to my ex this i'm not happy about right now but when it comes to the ex, I actually woke up feeling ok! I don't know, it's almost like, my ex had completely crushed me the last time we talked and took all the hope away. Plus, he was very cold and seemed like he didnt give a damn about me. So the primary emotion I've been feeling is a weird self-guilt thing, as if maybe I did something terribly wrong for following him and asking for answers and saying stupid stuff. But today I don't feel that way. Today, I feel that I got my answers and got a sense of closure in the end. he doesn't want me, he's got issues, The End.

 

I'm bored of it. Every day that passes I become more and more sure that I'll walk by my ex the next time I see him and won't be too affected. I already expended all the energy I had to be affected by him, and I guess it feels like there isn't anything left. This is an exciting new development, because my desperate, anxious feeling is gone and is being replaced by other stuff. Anyway, off to deal with other crap.

[Almond_Joy]

Hi DontWorry and Monkey,

 

I'm glad I found this thread. I'm in the same boat. I've been dealing with a cruel breakup for about three months. Only the guy I was with didn't waver during the relationship at all. For a solid 10 months he said and acted like he loved me and wanted to spend his life with me. It was the most fulfilling relationship I've ever had in my life, and in the span of 3 months it went from that to him completely ignoring me. I wrote this super long message telling him the depth and extent of my love for him, and reminded him that he had told me these same things for our entire relationship. Not only did he not respond to my request for an explanation, he blocked me on Facebook 2 weeks later. Completely cut me out of his life.

 

After that I went NC. That was early June. I've maintained NC from then to now, but most days it's a battle - he was my best friend also, so his leaving tore this huge hole in my life. I have several days where it's a struggle just to get up and work and talk to people. Then I'll feel okay for a week, a week and a half, then go back to being depressed. It's very tiring mentally, physically, and emotionally.

 

And for the first two or three weeks, I felt just like you did, DontWorry - I felt like a part of me was dead. I couldn't conceive loving anyone the way I love my ex. Notice I said love, present tense. I'm still not convinced that I will feel about anyone else the way I feel about him, but it's no use trying to talk to him. He made his choice. All I can do is try to rebuild, like you explain you're doing.

 

And Monkey - lol! OMG I thought I was the only one that fantasizes about confronting my ex! I can't count how many daydreams I've had where I'm just telling him how much he hurt me and him being in a position where he HAS to explain why he did what he did, and how he feels about me. In the first couple of weeks after the breakup, those daydreams were one of the few things that made me feel better lol.

 

I'm really glad to hear you feel you'll be unaffected the next time you see him DontWorry, and that with your job and hobbies you'll continue to feel that way. I'm still looking for things to do to avert my attention from the memories and wondering what happened to cause this change in him. My ex is particularly proud & arrogant, so I doubt he would ever contact me again, even if he was sorry for what he did....don't know where that was going, just saying....**sigh** anyway. Best wishes on a steady recovery to you both :-).

 

P.S. Just FYI, journaling has tremendously helped me in processing these wildly fluctuating emotions, and in feeling stable enough to talk to other people about how I'm feeling. I look back on journals I wrote just a month ago, and can see what issues I'm over and what I'm still dealing with. If I didn't journal, I'm sure I wouldn't have made any of the progress that I have.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Almond Joy, thanks so much for dropping into my thread! I relate to you so, so soooo much. Although your story is a bit different than mine, I relate fully to the way you feel about it... the way you still love your ex, the way you said you sometimes feel totally dead inside... all of that. Unfortunately my ex has a very wavering personality and is generally a confused individual. He actually broke up with me after we were together for 2 months originally because he told me he had a "dream" or a "vision" from God that we wouldn't have a good future. As crazy as that sounds, we got back together the same day. Then lasted another 5 months until he broke up with me again, citing he didn't love me. THEN wavered AGAIN when he asked for me back, followed by him quitting on me *AGAIN* because he still needed to "fix the issues." I guess all that drama caused me to finally snap and confront him with a million questions and follow him around until he left me out to dry.

 

As you said, talking to him is NO USE because he has made his decision. That being said though, today I was very angry and emotional. I guess I spoke too soon with my post this morning.. because during today I found myself feeling really upset and pissed off that I couldn't talk to my ex about stuff that i'm dealing with. My brother is the only other person I know around here, and he's moving away in a week. I was so rattled today that I visited a recruiting office for the Marine Corps. I had a vision of myself texting my ex: "HEY I'm joining the Marines today, any last words?".. because he never wanted me to join the military (he is in the Navy). I'm afraid I'll be so upset with life that I WILL end up joining the military..... I'm just SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

Seriously, I was shopping for food today and in my head was saying stuff like, "Where is the f*cking cheese?"... and cursing at other things internally. I felt so crazy that I had to briefly laugh at myself. I'm just so upset at how he abandoned me. Oh well, I know darn well that I brought something to the table in his life and accepted his flaws like no one else will and I know he's gonna remember it, especially when I ignore his a** the next time I see him. Loser.

 

Sorry, this is the anger phase.

[lovesickmonkey]

Ohhhh, Don'tWorryBeHappy, I had a bad night tonight! So don't feel bad. I went to a musical alone. I knew some people in it. I couldn't find one persone to go with me. For two years the only friend/companion/lover I had was my ex. Like Almond_Joy said, when she waltzed out of my life there was an enormous hole. I put all my chips on one losing number. After the show I walked out and cried for thirteen miles. Cried so hard I could scarcely see the road. Thus, it goes on for the third month. And Almond_Joy, like your ex, she told me she loved me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Until the last day when she said, "I never loved you." Why didn't she just punch me in the stomach and walk out? That might not have hurt as much. So ... back to counseling, journaling, etc. etc.

[Almond_Joy]

LMAO. O man DontWorry. I'm sorry if my laughing offends but I was THERE. I WAS SO THERE in that phase and reading it coming from someone else just reminds me of how erratic heartbreak can make us all. I know in the long run it's supposed to be healthier not to let the negative emotions get the best of you, but there are some moments where you're just gonna be pissed at the whole thing - all the love given, all the time essentially wasted now. I think that's only right to be angry about it, not forever, but from time to time. I've had several angry fits and I just let them ride themselves out, because eventually the anger does burn itself out.

 

It sounds like your ex really does have some personal stuff to work out. Trying to have a relationship when he knew he didn't have himself together is just irresponsible. He definitely went about trying to separate the wrong way, but it really is better that you two aren't together right now - not in the state that he's in. That's just unhealthy.

 

As someone who was where you are right now, I can only recommend taking it a day at a time. If your recovery is anything like mine was, every day is going to be a tornado of emotions. You can go from depressed to angry to confused in a span of like 6 hours. It's really insane. And in the end, the situation is STILL gonna suck. I mean that's a person that you loved without reservation, and they simply walked away from your love.

 

Like you said, it's their effin loss. It's hard enough to find people who are willing to put up with others' flaws, and even harder to find someone who will acknowledge those flaws and still love you as much as ever. If that's not good enough for them, that's their problem.

[Almond_Joy]

And Almond_Joy, like your ex, she told me she loved me EVERY SINGLE DAY. Until the last day when she said, "I never loved you." Why didn't she just punch me in the stomach and walk out? That might not have hurt as much. So ... back to counseling, journaling, etc. etc.

 

 

OMG Monkey! What is going on with her that she would say something so cruel, that she never loved you? If it's the truth she's a horrible person (I don't care what personal issues she may be having, that's just a screwed up thing to do period.) Why let someone love you then, if you never loved them to begin with? I know it's uncomfortable, but I would rather have someone say they're not in love with me than lie to me. I wish my ex would have told me he doesn't love me anymore. Even that brutal truth would have been better than negating my presence as a human being worthy of communication. That negation burns like nothing else.

 

I don't understand how people like this look at themselves in the mirror every day. How can they walk around living life and being happy, knowing that they've caused someone pain and heartache? I mean, there were days I went to work and people that never talk to me were asking if I'm okay, because they could see I was on the edge of breaking down, barely holding it together. Do they just not look back on their life, or make up some excuse for themselves that totally justifies their behavior? How can you make the emotional investment of loving someone or allowing yourself to be loved by someone, and then walk away as if you don't owe that person anything? You may not be able to help if you fall out of love with someone, but it's immature and irresponsible to invalidate the love you may have previously shared.

 

I usually don't have ill will for people, but sometimes I hope that these cruel acts haunt people until they make amends. I would expect that they wake up every day feeling like sh*t on the inside, because they don't deserve to feel OK with themselves when they have a chance to fix wrongs like this and don't. I really believe that. I for one would accept a sincere apology if it was offered.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Oh Monkey, I really feel for you. I can SO relate to walking around in a haze of blurry tears, not caring about anything and hardly being able to see because your eyes are so welled up. Just like you, my ex was my one person during the relationship... My one friend, lover, partner in crime, confidant, everything. He has other people around him that he does things with (not that they're really close to him or anything), but I'm the kind of person who devotes a lot of time and energy into VERY few people... maybe one or two. So losing my ex feels like I've lost everything at times. I know that can't be true, but it FEELS like it many times...... it really does. For the record, that's a horrible thing your ex said to you. Truly horrible... You really do deserve a great girl in your life who will mean it when she says she loves you.

 

Almond, it struck a chord when you said: "It's hard enough to find people who are willing to put up with others' flaws, and even harder to find someone who will acknowledge those flaws and still love you as much as ever. If that's not good enough for them, that's their problem." I guess that struck a chord because my ex would sometimes tell me, "It doesn't matter to me how you are... all your flaws... I just want YOU, however you are." And that was beautiful at the time, but then he left anyway and somehow those words seem a lot more hollow. My ex had about a million flaws... a million and one, actually, and I loved him completely. Also, erratic is exactly how I would describe myself right now. It's like you said... I go through a huge range of emotions every day now. But you know... I know there's only so much a person can do. I just have to accept the outcome of all this and still live my dang life!

 

Today is day 6 NC. I don't know how much I'm improving. I've been banished from discussing my ex with family, because they all think I'm holding myself back from healing if I do. Maybe it's true... so I can confine my venting to this place and focus on life when I'm off here I guess. I still wonder what my ex is thinking, whether he misses me, and other annoying things. I've been chilling in the coping chat room (click here to join) and reading posts on baggagereclaim.co.uk. That's a great site if you're looking to read articles from a no nonsense woman who has no tolerance for people who don't treat others correctly. I'm looking to move into another apartment soon and continue my job training.... I'm not gonna let this break me. I swear, I loved that kid. And he's gonna realize it. (Crap, I need to stop saying things like that and reminding myself that it doesn't matter). Anyway, I'm too beat to type anymore... later all.

Edited July 24, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[lovesickmonkey]

How can you make the emotional investment of loving someone or allowing yourself to be loved by someone, and then walk away as if you don't owe that person anything? You may not be able to help if you fall out of love with someone, but it's immature and irresponsible to invalidate the love you may have previously shared.

 

 

Almond, it just doesn't make sense to me either. I'm thinking this: So they fall out of love -- simple right? But they feel very guilty about it because they know you're in it up to your eyes. And they know that telling you it's over is going to make you very sad and possibly very angry. They don't want someone to be angry with them and yell at them. They begin imagining ways that it's your fault. Or maybe they become angry at you in advance of your being angry at them. Like when I asked my ex, "when did you fall out of love?" she was uncomfortable having to answer the question so she angrily replied, "I never loved you." Like, it was much easier for her to injure me than to honestly ponder the question. She was emotionally immature, there's no doubt. She did alright as long as everything was going well. But the smallest hint of strife or controversy and she froze up and got angry and defensive. Still, despite all this I'm very depressed. I'm in this big house alone. No one is coming over. No one is calling. No one is texting. Who had the quote on their profile, "Why do I miss something I never had?"

[lovesickmonkey]

Just like you, my ex was my one person during the relationship... My one friend, lover, partner in crime, confidant, everything. He has other people around him that he does things with (not that they're really close to him or anything), but I'm the kind of person who devotes a lot of time and energy into VERY few people... maybe one or two.

 

Don'tWorry, I think now that having relationships where the other person is your WHOLE WORLD (I'm not saying that was you, but it was definitely me) is probably not a good idea. I heard that it's important to maintain good strong friendships outside of your romantic relationship. I'm also guilty of basing my happiness on her presence in my life. It's clear to me that I have to work on being happy with myself. I'm uncomfortable working on this. I feel pressure to get in another relationship and begin a family as soon as possible, as I'm running out of time and options. But unfortunately, I have to be happy and complete by myself before being happy with someone.

[DontWorryBHappy]

I hear you monkey, I haven't really taken any real time to be single for years. I was devastated from another break up back in 2010 and finally got over that by finding a new guy. Then that ended, and I found a new guy then too. This time feels different though (and yeah, I know people tend to say that every time).. but this time, man... this guy pulled one over on me good... and I am FEELING IT.

 

Right now I want to link you all to a thread from a poster I really liked back in '10. It's a coping log... He was trying to get over the break up of his ex. Granted, they ended up getting back together and are engaged (which may be giving me some hope or something) but despite that, before all that occurred he was dealing with heartbreak like this rest of us.. but he always did it with a sense of humor and in a way that said to everyone that he would be fine in the end. Anyway, this is his log: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t223080/

 

Today is day 7 NC. I'd like to take a moment to admit defeat for the past. I had sent a text to my ex last week that was meant to try to "help" him fix his issues, and had a bit of bitterness thrown in there too. That text haunted me because it made me feel way too harsh. I never said anything in it about how much I cared about my ex, I pretty much just said "you have serious issues, now get the F*** away from me". I said it in a different way than that of course. But nonetheless, I was haunted by that text until I ran into him in person, and then **** hit the fan big time. I was barely thinking when I went after him... I didn't plan to sound angry, but after I saw him talking with another girl (who had her hand on his shoulder) and seeing them exchange numbers, when I opened my mouth to speak it came out as anger. And it kind of turned into a half anger, half woe-is-me sort of thing (particularly when I started to cry and walked away). I wish it would have ended there, but I ran into him again not even a few hours later, demanded to know if he had just been using me, followed him on to his bus when he tried to leave, said my piece about how he had meant the world to me, then ran away like a wounded animal. Not my best moment, not at all. But it DID accomplish the goal of keeping me away from my ex. I know that I would cut off my hand before considering breaking NC now. But yeah anyway, I admit my defeat and I am ready to move on.

 

That's right, I'm demanding to myself that I snap out of this. I know it no longer matters what my ex thinks or what he's doing, because he still chose to cut things off with me. I'll never understand him anyway. His feelings are way too situational. As in, one day he adores me, the next day he's lukewarm/annoyed yet still wants to be with me at some point, the next week he's cold and doesn't want to be with me. He's a confused soul and I do think he'll have a hell of a time getting by with the way he acts toward people. He's gonna quickly realize what he had with me, if he hasn't already.

 

But seriously, I acted out on a day where I was caught off guard and emotional.... at least he knows how much I cared. At least there's that. And now I have to get myself out of this funk and be better. I may sign a lease to a new place today. Speaking of that, I have to go talk to the front desk people at my apartment now so that they'll let me stay in this wasp-infested place for a bit longer, only because I can't move into the other place til mid-August. In any case.. See you later all

[DontWorryBHappy]

Hey all . Today (ok technically yesterday) was great!!!! I woke up and for some reason was just on my game. I was engaging in my first class. It's an acting class, and I was outgoing with the girl I was partnered up with for an exercise today. After that I went apartment hunting and got caught in a rain storm. Got on the bus finally, and ran into a guy I had met several times because he works at the little campus convenience store. He asked me if I had applied for a job there, and we were talking about that for a bit, then he randomly asked about my "boyfriend".. Immediately I was like "ooh uhh yeah he's NOT my boyfriend anymore". And then the guy started talking about how my ex had been in one of his classes (I started wanting to tune him out because I wasn't sure I wanted to hear ANYTHING about my ex) but then he said my ex had come into the store (where he works) and they asked him about his major and stuff and my ex apparently said he wasn't a student at the school and was just "visiting". And then he goes, "Yeah and the girl I was working with was like uhhh, he is a student... so he lied." So yeah, wtf? My ex lied about being a student? Makes little sense, but fits his M.O. because he never makes any sense and obviously likes to jerk people around for fun. Oh yeah, the guy also commented on my ex being, and I quote: "annoying". It made my day... so much, that I got the guy's number. (well, I kinda would have done that anyway).

 

Did you hear that? I got a guy's number! Not that I know what to do with it (oh and, I texted him mine so he has mine too). So at that point I was feeling good, and I've been feeling good all day. I don't even know what day of NC this is..... hmmmmm, its.... day 8! It feels longer than that. And if I'm already feeling better, I can't wait to see how I'll feel in another week, then another, and another. My ex obviously has serious issues - he lies about random things to random people for kicks. If he does that, what the hell else did he lie to me about? Everything? Whatever. I'm better than that shyte!! Time to rent an apartment and buy a ukulele (my newest obsession). Wooooo

[lovesickmonkey]

I'm so glad you're having a good day and you're on your game. Everything sounds like you've got a healthy attitude. Ukulele? Why do I hear about people playing this more and more?

As for myself, I have to find a psychologist tomorrow as I've taken a serious downturn. I think the heatwave had something to do with it.

[Almond_Joy]

I'm in this big house alone. No one is coming over. No one is calling. No one is texting. Who had the quote on their profile, "Why do I miss something I never had?"

 

Hey Monkey,

 

I know this was yesterday, and you may not be in the same place now, but just wanted to tell you, that the lowest parts of the grieving, for me, came when I had the realization you stated above. It was waking up every morning to this dreadful silence - no phone ringing, no texting, calling, hanging out with anyone - and realizing that I'd be living with that silence all day (and at the time, I was thinking every day too). Acknowledging that I was alone every day made me want to stay in the depression and stop trying more than anything else I thought about.

 

I started telling myself to just take it a day at a time. That made it easier to bear. I had something to be proud of when I got home at the end of the day, because I'd gone to work and actually worked and talked to people, even though I was feeling so empty on the inside. That daily victory, after a few weeks, got me out of the daily depression routine. I still have sad spells, but they aren't debilitating, and they don't sap me of my motivation.

 

Also, that book you mentioned in my other post. I'm halfway through it and it's helping. I recorded some affirmations for myself and spent most of today listening to them. I also adopted the rubber band technique to stop obsessively thinking about my ex and the unanswered questions he left me with. The rubber band technique sounded fun when I read it, but I didn't think it would work. I tried it just for kicks - o man! I forgot how much a snapping rubber band STINGS lol. And only 10 minutes after putting on the rubber band, I had this ugly red welt on my wrist, because I'd snapped the rubber band so many times. It was a visual representation of my obsessive thinking, and a great incentive to direct my thinking on something else.

 

I share all this info about my process because your grieving process sounds very similar, to me. If you still feel you need to see a psychologist, I hope you find a good match right off the bat. And thanks for recommending that book - it's the tool I needed to get back on track. Best of luck to you **cyberhug**