How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm past angry unfortunately.. I would say seriously disturbed by the whole thing. I feel like I can't do this anymore. I really, really don't like how things are. After getting emotionally and financially beaten down the last year or so, I'm just worn out and I'm in a deep hole that everytime I start making progress, someone or something knocks me to the bottom again.

 

I would like more custody but will likely not get it due to some dirty tricks my ex and her lawyer pulled. I have lost a ton because of this.. and I have NO idea where to draw the line in the sand between getting treated like a doormat and sticking up for myself and just not caring... I really don't. I've never dealt with someone like this before or a situation like this. she knows she can hurt me and is very good at it.

 

Look MM4,

 

Sorry for blowing the cap off the whole thing (a bit). Seems to be the type of week for me here: but it is long overdue. Everyone goes through a long period of anger and frustration over their circumstance and a lot of it cannot be changed and is out of your control.

 

It's a pretty narrow band of stuff you can control: the spectrum between aggressor and doormat. Granted everyone has moments where they get emotionally overloaded but for the most part, you can control your responses.

 

You can't make her care, you seem to have less ability to upset her, and you can't make her regret her actions and she isn't going to as long as she can pretend you are to blame. You are making it really easy to blame you. (in her eyes). Whatever short-term irritation you give her, she gets to rationalize everything you've done for her own gain in the long-run (and clearly it doesn't throw her through a loop that much or she would have had a third party do

drop off and pickup and texting). Now she can rationalize it to others, her family, and any mutual friends you may have had left. She can keep kicking you while you are down because you refuse to stop playing here game.

 

Every time you go to do an exchange visualize a smooth transfer and change over. Visualize eveything from your tone to your posture. I have to do this almost everytime I encounter my husband AND IT WORKS. The results I generate from the actions and energy I give off tend to match 80%. crazy. Most ridiculously successful people visualize their outcomes. They tell Olympians to do it. Imagine having a gold-medal meeting with your ex and coming out completely victorious, looking good and her seeing you as someone she feels like an idiot for leaving. Envision the drop-off having to not take too long because you have to get back to your super-hot (well-adjusted) girlfriend waiting in the car with your winning lotto ticket that you are about to cash in (or whatever). Imagine maybe that you have to just quickly settle up business because you and your son have a wicked-awesome day planned together and you don't want to waste time or energy on her stupid attitude. You have a life to get to, after all.

 

$10 says that really all of this stems from feeling that she kinda stole your life away and you are feeling pretty empty otherwise. You can't have that life back but you can create a brand new one. What does your brand new life look like now that you have been given a second chance? I can guess that your marriage wasn't perfectly happy. So now that you are free of it, you can give yourself what was missing in it.

 

Or you can bounce around from depressed to pissed to depressed. The wonderful thing is that you have power over your choice. It isn't just buzzwords. If you put together what your purpose in life is: is it to help other men through the divorce and parenting process maybe? Is it to have a happy, healthy family?

 

Once you have that, then you just cut out everything in your life that doesn't take you towards that purpose. Give yourself everything you need that does. Soon she'll just be a business transaction and a co-parent. She won't be the "Creature That Sucks Your Emotional Energy." I am not trying to shame you by saying this: but you are the one who keeps giving her the title. You give her the authority to push the buttons. If any stranger ever tried to push those buttons, you would probably ignore them, walk away and think "what a yutz, glad I don't hang out with that guy."

 

When you create your own wonderful life and stop giving her the power to emotionally **** with yours, she won't have any power at all over how you feel. She'll simply fade and be maybe a minor annoyance.

[updown]

i'm only going to reinforce/ reiterate what someone said about her being to use this stuff against you.

 

if she is still talking with an attorney at all, and if she truly is using the "domestic violence" in her statements against you, she will be documenting every single interaction you two have. so, every time you seem aggressive to her, she's going to document. every time you contact her with accusing type questions, she's going to document.

 

i've said it before. you are making her case for her! you are making it very easy for her to cry abuse to anyone that will hear. and, if she decides to take you to court some day she will have all of that documented. yes, you will have your side documented as well, but WHY EVEN GIVE HER THE AMMUNITION!!!??? don't engage with her at ALL!!!

 

the situation i PM'd you about last week, that's a big huge giant deal. but, i haven't said one word to him about it. and i don't plan on ever saying anything to him. and i did learn he was the one behind it. YOU choose how to handle things. so make the choice to NOT ENGAGE!!!

 

feel however you feel about things. vent here all you want. your feelings are not wrong, and you have every right to be upset and angry. just NEVER let her see that side of you!! always be cheerful, happy, upbeat, sweet, gentle..... if she's as batcrazy and mean as you say she is, i wouldn't put it past her to try and take you to court for full custody. especially if she feels she has "proof" against you!

 

HUGS HUGS and more HUGS!!! keep posting and keep in touch!

[dreamingoftigers]

It makes perfect sense. It made perfect sense when two different therapists told me too, along with about 20 friends, family and numerous people on this board. I am stuck in the worst rut of my life and I can't get out. I was in quicksand reaching my hand out to her and she walked away over and over and over. I sure can't convince her to care about me, that much is clear. What makes me crazy is that I couldn't convince her the sky is blue, when it clearly is. I can't handle that. My God I want to be understood so bad.. i felt so comfortable for 8yrs knowing that if every person on this earth judged me and hated me, she would be the one person who would understand. I don't know if she had ulterior motives or an agenda... I don't know if she ever loved me. I am just an uber sensitive person with crap coping skills. I hate being alone, I hate missing my son. I hate that 15yrs of work getting myself established is pretty much gone. I hate that women pay 0 attention to me. I hate that I have to sell myself to people. I hate this person can get under my skin. I am so at a loss right now, this

may be the lowest point of my life.

 

You have no idea how much I hear you. To the point when I was younger and my relationship with my ex-fiancé ended, I tried to kill myself a few times just to end that pain of emptiness. Figuring the if he didn't want me then no one would. And that meant that my life and meaning was pretty much over.

 

I settled into another relationship with someone that was excited to be with me and really wanted me. Even when I was at my lowest depressed point.

Well, we know how that has turned out.

 

The truth of the matter is I had to realize that _I_ didn't want me. I never felt good enough for anyone. My parents really helped create that attitude and let me know that no matter what I did, I would never, ever be enough so I had better settle on whatever scraps I could get from someone. That meant never expecting or believing I could be treated properly or with respect.

 

Now that I am a parent I see that I must have just been an average kid and that I deserved to be wanted and those two idiots were just wrapped up in their own stupidity just like my ex and just like my current husband. Who both also feel that no one wants them. Since we have that belief inside of us, we set ourselves up for failure believing it is inevitable anyways. We believe no one wants us, we act like no one wants us. So no one who doesn't have the same issue is attracted to us. The only relationships we get into are where we figure that the person won't find out how "unwantable" we are. Or they are kinda unwantable themselves so it's like they would've struck gold. Thus, a co-dependent relationship. Two "unwantable" people together because their self-esteems can't handle how sucky they think themselves are.

 

Rejection when these relationships fall apart only magnifies that. Truth be told though, she's quite weak. To the point where she needed the OM in order to be able to leave you. She couldn't stand on her own two feet to let herself out the door. She hasn't had to go through the pain of being alone and finding out what she's about.

 

So many books and tv shows etc. (Oprah and what have you) talk about "finding your identity." What many don't get is that when you have a pattern of co-dependency, you may not have a full identity yet because you and (earlier) your family never fully created one. You were all too stuck together to discover and create who you wanted to be. I think it starts from accepting ourselves, and almost kind of "adopting" ourselves, picking a set of values, giving ourselves a really cool purpose, and then hightailing it in that direction. Our gifts and talents become apparent at that point.

 

We keep avoiding who we might become and settling for who we are out of fear that we might not be "good enough." when you accept yourself to start with and commit to building yourself up. There is no debate, you are already "good enough." therefore by extension "wantable."

 

God I hope that wasn't to blah blah blah for right now.

[marqueemoon4]

i'm only going to reinforce/ reiterate what someone said about her being to use this stuff against you.

 

if she is still talking with an attorney at all, and if she truly is using the "domestic violence" in her statements against you, she will be documenting every single interaction you two have. so, every time you seem aggressive to her, she's going to document. every time you contact her with accusing type questions, she's going to document.

 

i've said it before. you are making her case for her! you are making it very easy for her to cry abuse to anyone that will hear. and, if she decides to take you to court some day she will have all of that documented. yes, you will have your side documented as well, but WHY EVEN GIVE HER THE AMMUNITION!!!??? don't engage with her at ALL!!!

 

the situation i PM'd you about last week, that's a big huge giant deal. but, i haven't said one word to him about it. and i don't plan on ever saying anything to him. and i did learn he was the one behind it. YOU choose how to handle things. so make the choice to NOT ENGAGE!!!

 

feel however you feel about things. vent here all you want. your feelings are not wrong, and you have every right to be upset and angry. just NEVER let her see that side of you!! always be cheerful, happy, upbeat, sweet, gentle..... if she's as batcrazy and mean as you say she is, i wouldn't put it past her to try and take you to court for full custody. especially if she feels she has "proof" against you!

 

HUGS HUGS and more HUGS!!! keep posting and keep in touch!

 

it really appears there are no depths she won't sink to at this point. she can cry wolf about the domestic violence thing all she wants. the score card and TRUTH is over an 8yr span there were two incidents, one was her punching me in the face in 09 when I was yelling at her (i did nothing, walked away and the next day told her that I was sorry for yelling but hitting is NOT acceptable from either of us) and the day she left when she purposely provoked me over and over and I kicked her in the tush twice (i did it once, she got in my face and dared me to do it again). this conveniently turned into 4 times and that I tried to kick her down the stairs. that was the out she wanted, and I gave it to her. at that point I had NO idea who I was dealing with.. she went to a doctor and documented a bruise on her butt and used it against me in court. i never raised a hand/threatened/menaced her once in all those years. of course later it would come out that she was cheating with her coworker before she left, and all the way thru MC which SHE suggested. lets not forget the bank accounts she opened behind my back a month before she left. these are the facts. i'm not proud of what I did, I'm disgusted by it. I've taken responsibility for it countless times and I AM NOT a violent person. I am 6'5 and that works against me since she is 5'3. The whole thing was a setup.. and by playing the abuse card she thinks she is able to justify her despicable actions. Its nonsense. funny thing in court was she ADMITTED to punching me square in the face as hard as she could **no one cared**

 

as my friend said, I am the type of person who will do anything to fix or right a situation.. to my detriment, and this person refuses to let me to.

Edited August 18, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

as my friend said, I am the type of person who will do anything to fix or right a situation.. to my detriment, and this person refuses to let me to.

 

but what are you trying to fix? it's over between you two, what is she refusing you?

[marqueemoon4]

but what are you trying to fix? it's over between you two, what is she refusing you?

 

I'm definitely not trying to get back with her.. she is my sons mother... she hates me and I hate her. and because of that I have to be a fake part time dad. I hate it.

[updown]

well my friend, if you know it's a set up, WHY do you keep pushing it along? if she already has doc reports and brought it up in court, why are you helping her?

 

you continue trying to rationalize an irrational person/ situation. it is IMPOSSIBLE to do that! you can't. her reality will never mesh with yours. it's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

 

i don't have any advice for HOW to do it, but you have to. you have to let her be crazy and have her craziness. you need to get a solid support system of NON crazies. let her be the one that looks insane to other people. all you need to be is cool, calm, and collected.

 

you need to stop contacting her unless it's an emergency regarding your son. you need to stop responding to her, unless it's an emergency regarding your son. she will NEVER supply you with emotional support or any sort of understanding. i know she has left a huge giant hole in you, and for that i am so sorry!!! :-( but DO NOT continue to give her power over you, your life, your thoughts, and your feelings!

 

and for the record, i'm on YOUR side in this.

[LifesontheUp]

I'm definitely not trying to get back with her.. she is my sons mother... she hates me and I hate her. and because of that I have to be a fake part time dad. I hate it.

 

No you can be the best part time dad for your son. Don't let her bait you, take the moral high ground and in time it will get easier. You have to do this for your son.

[andyg99]

I'm definitely not trying to get back with her.. she is my sons mother... she hates me and I hate her. and because of that I have to be a fake part time dad. I hate it.

 

god I hate cliches but I have to use one here, then 'fake it 'til you make it' - whatever you have to do to move on... just have a mini-checklist of the definitely DO NOTS:

 

DO NOT bash your ex in front of your son

DO NOT bash her new guy in front of your son

DO NOT exchange any unnecessary words with your ex

DO NOT mope and feel sorry for yourself

DO NOT let her control your life anymore!

[dreamingoftigers]

You aren't a "fake" Dad, you are his Dad. If you read a lot more about neural development you will cone to know that since you have been his Dad since Day One that already you have had mote influence than you can grasp and articulate. Just your very presence has sealed him to you in a way that isn't easy for us to comprehend. Children abandoned before they can recall it when they are older retain those affects for a lifetime. (due to the development of the Hippocampus, don't get me started).

 

On a level that cannot be broken or every completely replaced even of you were abducted by aliens tomorrow, you have an influence that cannot be diluted. He has known (without consciously knowing) that you have been his father since Day One.

 

The OM might be spending more time with him until that relationship sours. But really, he'll always be "backup guy."

 

It can't be helped, it's biology.

[marqueemoon4]

ok well lets get it straight here.. SHE is not controlling my life. the **** situation that she forced on me is whats destroying me. yes, I hate being a single father. it sucks. yes, I have abandonment issues and have been abandoned. yes, pretty much everything bad that has happened to me the last 14mos is due to this separation/divorce. every last thing. i would still have my job if this hadn't happened. yes I'd be about $15k in the green instead of like $10k in the red. yes, i wouldn't have lost most of my friends, and my relationship with my family wouldn't be completely strained. i struggle to find positives out of this whole thing.. i dont think I'm stronger, i think i realize just how emotionally weak and vulnerable i am. do I think I'll meet someone else who will really love me for ME? nope. will I ever be able to trust fully again? not in a million f-in years.

 

does anyone get the notion that if you are dealing with someone who ****ed you over BADLY and doesn't give a ****, and has no conscience and is completely without remorse-- there is no recourse. she doesn't care. so, since this person was raised wrong, is a bad person then I have to take all the responsibility and pain while she strolls off with her adulterous lover? oh, but she DOES care about her son, or so she says. ok, well maybe she'll give a **** when her son finds out WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. as far as this situation goes, thats about all I have to look forward to. I do hope he hates and rejects her for it... I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I hope he ends up hating the OM too.

Edited August 18, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

also, for some unknown reason I feel like I have something to prove to her because she said I was a bad father. i feel like I didn't know alot about dealing with a a 0-3yr old.. and I looked to her for help because she did know alot about these things. i changed tons of diapers, and I thought I helped out as much as I could. it was never good enough.

[dreamingoftigers]

ok well lets get it straight here.. SHE is not controlling my life. the **** situation that she forced on me is whats destroying me. yes, I hate being a single father. it sucks. yes, I have abandonment issues and have been abandoned. yes, pretty much everything bad that has happened to me the last 14mos is due to this separation/divorce. every last thing. i would still have my job if this hadn't happened. yes I'd be about $15k in the green instead of like $10k in the red. yes, i wouldn't have lost most of my friends, and my relationship with my family wouldn't be completely strained. i struggle to find positives out of this whole thing.. i dont think I'm stronger, i think i realize just how emotionally weak and vulnerable i am. do I think I'll meet someone else who will really love me for ME? nope. will I ever be able to trust fully again? not in a million f-in years.

 

does anyone get the notion that if you are dealing with someone who ****ed you over BADLY and doesn't give a ****, and has no conscience and is

completely without remorse-- there is no recourse. she doesn't care. so, since this person was raised wrong, is a bad person then I have to take all the responsibility and pain while she strolls off with her adulterous lover? oh, but she DOES care about her son, or so she says. ok, well maybe she'll give a **** when her son finds out WHAT REALLY HAPPENED. as far as this situation goes, thats about all I have to look forward to. I do hope he hates and rejects her for it... I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I hope he ends up hating the OM too.[

 

She may not be controlling your whole life. But it looks like you have handed her your happiness with both hands and said "this is up to you to fix and you can't fix it anymore because you broke it, you bitch."

 

MM4, take a long look at my situation. We've talked a lot etc. Do you think that if I took out the trash and only ended up with joint custody that I could never be happy again or never find someone kind and trustworthy.

 

Would my life be devoid of those things if I wanted them?

 

How about anyone else's situation on the board you can think of? Updown, WGW, surfer, tech E? Anyone? Is their happiness done?

 

And yes, you are still totally obviously vulnerable right now. You've just gone through the war and you haven't processed it all yet.

 

There has to be something bigger that keeps you going. If you could be anything in life you wanted right now, what would it be?

 

TBH MM4, I think that it's not the person your wife was that you missed. I think that you, a lot like me, took a lot if self-esteem from being married. I think that you miss being a husband.

[marqueemoon4]

I think all the people you mentioned will find peace and happiness. It takes time obviously. I feel that I have been irrepairably damaged....I hope I'm wrong. Yes I do miss being married.. I realized I was lacking as a husband, and wanted a real second chance. Her attitude was "this is never going to work" and quit months before leaving. I dont think I was that concerned at that point as I wasn't happy with her and had semi detached from her. Obviously I had no idea what was on the horizon. I naively thought that our time together, marriage, and having a child would mean so much to her that she'd never just up and leave and never come back. Wrong again.

Edited August 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[BrettLost]

Marqueemoon4,

 

Mate i hear/feel ur position all the way dude. Might not be so much as u've lost/miss her, but more the "family" ideal and the role in which u played in it.

 

The fact is she can just 'replace' u and her family image/life is still in tact, dinner, outings, shopping all that *****, general life is done as a group that u used to be a main part of, knowing OM now does that stuff with YOUR FU(KING FAMILY and YOUR FU(KING KIDS is enough to commit murder.......U/we on the other hand are alone until such time we are allowed to be dads again, briefly.

 

Know this, he doesnt know ur family for *****. He and ur ex will be on best behaviour til the spark of newness fades n general life sets in. Real character and true colours will show and (hopefully for us) dismantle the fairy tale existance.

 

Dreamingoftigers is 100% right, u will NEVER be looked at as Dad #2. OM will never, EVER be anywhere close to feeling the love U get from ur kids. Aslong as ur time with ur kids is golden, ul always have their upmost respect and love. They might like OM, but probably because he makes thier mum happy (for now...).

 

Im thinking, keep the time with them as a premium. They will grow, understand and process what has gone down in their own time. With any karma/luck they'l figure out exactly who fu(ked who over and resent it.

 

Not really nice to say.... but hey, they walked out with our life under their arm and thought nothing of it.

[marqueemoon4]

Brettlost you've obviously been through the exact same thing.. I know every male friend I know who has kids would be pretty much ruined if they had to go through this. These WWs will come up with whatever excuses/rationalizations to make themselves feel better. Like oh divorce is common so no big deal. Oh it happens to millions of men and they all end up just fine. It's irresponsible and its horse****. So what is my solace? That there is no reasoning with someone with such a distorted view of "reality"?

 

The answer is if you make the mistake of procreating with some who has absolutely no regard for their child's fathers feelings or well being your life will end up being hell. She kept saying she didn't know what I was "capable" of doing.. like I was going to hurt her or something. Clearly I had no idea what she was capable of either as far as complete callousness, disregard for my life and feelings as well as my sons. Oh he's doing just fine, this is normal. Kids are tough he can take it. Sure he can when he is given no choice and its thrust upon him. Sure as hell doesn't mean he likes it.

 

I hate my existence and honestly my son is the only thing keeping me going. Though I got sidetracked and didn't always put my family first, they were the two people I cared about more than anyone else. I remember her thing to say a few months after she left was "because of your actions you lose your family". Well, you obviously will never be held accountable for your cheating, lies and complete lack of a conscience, will you. I never understood how anyone, male or female could play house with their child and some random person. Even if I do meet someone that I have strong feelings for it will be incredibly awkward having them interact with my son. It's a woman who is not his mom, just like OM is a "man" who is not his father.

 

She is the weak link in this whole thing.. I know things could've been worked out but she didn't want to put in any effort. None of her vows or promises to me meant a ****ing thing. She'd rather start over with some complete stranger than give her son what he needs the most-- a REAL FAMILY. What she has with this OM isn't a family.. its a big lie. Again, this person could convince herself the earth was flat if it somehow benefited her. And you know what? I'm pretty sure a lot of people, not just women are the exact same way. I've seen it over and over again through the years. People can justify pretty much anything if they lie to themselves enough. I also find it humorous that since the OM was dumb enough to buy into her victim bs that she is somehow better than me because she has someone else so quickly. I'm alone and struggling so she MUST have made the right decision and I must be a loser because no one wants me. I will admit, the chances of me meeting someone worth a damn and things actually working out are pretty slim. And even if I did I can promise you there is no way in hell I would dive in headfirst after all I've been through. I want to break the cycle of co dependence, not perpetuate it.

 

This is the **** that keeps me up at night.. that took away my focus from work which cost me my job. That has clouded my judgement and caused me to make bad choice after bad choice, that has put me in the worst position I've ever been in. I was fairly jaded and struggled to be "happy" before all of this, now happiness seems like a complete impossibility. There was a delicate balance that was nuked. It's a lot like the environment.. some small foreign thing gets introduced into an ecosystem and systematically destroys everything.

 

So, everyone trying to make me feel better by saying oh her r/l with OM will fail and what goes around comes around, and she'll get hers I say thank you.... but that's not gonna happen. I'm sure things will work out great for her and I hope to God I can find a reason other than my son to wake up everyday and suffer through this misery. Right now I dont.

Edited August 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

What is one thing that would make the world a better place for your son?

Not anything to do with his mother. Think bigger.

[marqueemoon4]

What is one thing that would make the world a better place for your son?

Not anything to do with his mother. Think bigger.

 

Is it bigger than a bread box? I have no idea... but don't keep me hanging

Edited August 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

No I mean what is one thing that YOU can think of that would make the works a better place for your son?

 

Don't out-obnoxious me.

[marqueemoon4]

Noooooo.. I wasn't trying to be a smartass at all.. I really have no idea. Obviously he needs a strong father figure, and I would say I have not lived up to that. I have not let my anguish transfer to him (I hope). I have been and will always be there for him, and I give him tons of love and positive reinforcement. He doesn't want for anything, except for his mom and dad to work things out. Thanks to her he'll never get that.

[LifesontheUp]

Brettlost you've obviously been through the exact same thing.. I know every male friend I know who has kids would be pretty much ruined if they had to go through this. These WWs will come up with whatever excuses/rationalizations to make themselves feel better. Like oh divorce is common so no big deal. Oh it happens to millions of men and they all end up just fine. It's irresponsible and its horse****. So what is my solace? That there is no reasoning with someone with such a distorted view of "reality"?

 

The answer is if you make the mistake of procreating with some who has absolutely no regard for their child's fathers feelings or well being your life will end up being hell. She kept saying she didn't know what I was "capable" of doing.. like I was going to hurt her or something. Clearly I had no idea what she was capable of either as far as complete callousness, disregard for my life and feelings as well as my sons. Oh he's doing just fine, this is normal. Kids are tough he can take it. Sure he can when he is given no choice and its thrust upon him. Sure as hell doesn't mean he likes it.

 

I hate my existence and honestly my son is the only thing keeping me going. Though I got sidetracked and didn't always put my family first, they were the two people I cared about more than anyone else. I remember her thing to say a few months after she left was "because of your actions you lose your family". Well, you obviously will never be held accountable for your cheating, lies and complete lack of a conscience, will you. I never understood how anyone, male or female could play house with their child and some random person. Even if I do meet someone that I have strong feelings for it will be incredibly awkward having them interact with my son. It's a woman who is not his mom, just like OM is a "man" who is not his father.

 

She is the weak link in this whole thing.. I know things could've been worked out but she didn't want to put in any effort. None of her vows or promises to me meant a ****ing thing. She'd rather start over with some complete stranger than give her son what he needs the most-- a REAL FAMILY. What she has with this OM isn't a family.. its a big lie. Again, this person could convince herself the earth was flat if it somehow benefited her. And you know what? I'm pretty sure a lot of people, not just women are the exact same way. I've seen it over and over again through the years. People can justify pretty much anything if they lie to themselves enough. I also find it humorous that since the OM was dumb enough to buy into her victim bs that she is somehow better than me because she has someone else so quickly. I'm alone and struggling so she MUST have made the right decision and I must be a loser because no one wants me. I will admit, the chances of me meeting someone worth a damn and things actually working out are pretty slim. And even if I did I can promise you there is no way in hell I would dive in headfirst after all I've been through. I want to break the cycle of co dependence, not perpetuate it.

 

This is the **** that keeps me up at night.. that took away my focus from work which cost me my job. That has clouded my judgement and caused me to make bad choice after bad choice, that has put me in the worst position I've ever been in. I was fairly jaded and struggled to be "happy" before all of this, now happiness seems like a complete impossibility. There was a delicate balance that was nuked. It's a lot like the environment.. some small foreign thing gets introduced into an ecosystem and systematically destroys everything.

 

So, everyone trying to make me feel better by saying oh her r/l with OM will fail and what goes around comes around, and she'll get hers I say thank you.... but that's not gonna happen. I'm sure things will work out great for her and I hope to God I can find a reason other than my son to wake up everyday and suffer through this misery. Right now I dont.

 

Throughout this post it is clear that you see the "bigger" picture - what she is truly like, what she did wrong, what you did wrong. Don't let this continue to handicap you though MM4. Don't dwell on it, learn from it and have some faith that you, like many others before you have gotten through it.

 

I don't mean to be spiteful but you really do need a reality check. There are fathers who have been left behind without the ability to see their kids at all - their kids are in another part of the world.

 

What I'm trying to tell you is that you need to be grateful for what you have. You have your health and the chance to see your son and be a great father. Those are positive things that you should be thinking about instead of the more negative things such as your ex behaviour.

 

Who knows what the future holds MM4, all you can do is live life for you and your son. Take each day at a time, try looking at it in a positive light and hopefully you will start to feel better.

[PegNosePete]

he needs a strong father figure, and I would say I have not lived up to that. I have not let my anguish transfer to him (I hope). I have been and will always be there for him, and I give him tons of love and positive reinforcement.

You say you haven't been a strong father figure but then give loads of reasons that you have been an excellent father!!!

[BrettLost]

Lifeisontheup,

 

U have quite a few very positive and valid truths about what i, marqueemoon and many others here face.

 

Like he said though, it is as if the vows that were taken at marriage were out of convenience, rather than a true to the death promise of love and trust. For me this is incredibly hard to get over also- i was MARRIED.

 

Divorce statistics. Whether accurate or not, they dont really help me at all realise that "Oh it happens all the time these days". Does that make it less damaging psychologically for the person who leaves.

Like killing someone n saying- Oh people get killed all the time, no biggie.

 

No direct offence to women on these boards, but i think women KNOW this *****. Almost like they know "gettin out" is relatively a risk free yet possibly permanent decision, although 9/10 times they will benefit anyway.

 

The main source of pain (i think) comes from the TOTAL disregard for the connection once had, feelings, future plans and hard work put in by the person left behind. As if none of it existed. Like a fu(kin ghost did it all. Most of the time all current rewards of hard work go to her too, house, car whatever the fu(k she wants really.

 

Any human with a real soul and/or concience would'nt be able to keep back the overwhelming guilt of treating their former significant this way. I know i couldnt do it.

[LifesontheUp]

Brettlost, I understand what you are going through I've faced it myself and come out the other end.

 

You see my xH (who is diagnosed NPD) cheated on me with a woman 15yrs younger than me. I had to see the two of them holding hands and chatting and laughing in front of me every day at work - we all worked in the same small building. It took all my strength to sit there day after day whilst they rubbed my nose in it

 

The stuff that he said to me is really unrepeatable and cut very very deep. On evening he came to the house and smashed some furniture up as he know I loved that furniture and was proud of it. When he "came to his senses" and wanted to come home, I had already started to think that perhaps this wasn't the best thing for me. I eventually divorced him but not without losing the very thing that he knew would hurt me most. God did it break my heart to lose the one thing in the world that mattered most to me.

 

But, that was over 7 years ago and I forgave him a long time ago. Yes, I forgave him. I couldn't let it eat me up, or consume me any longer or otherwise I realised I would never heal and move on. I see him occasionally now and there is no ill feeling. He means nothing to me.

 

You will both get there. The choice is to let this continue to let this bring you down or to move forward and make a better life for you and any kids you may have. Its not easy, I know, but it can be done. Be positive and start today

Edited August 19, 2011 by LifesontheUp

[marqueemoon4]

You say you haven't been a strong father figure but then give loads of reasons that you have been an excellent father!!!

 

 

 

stronger as in not letting him see me sad. I do think I'm a good father.

 

You know I can post feelings up here all day.. valid or not and nothing is going to change. I feel completely helpless.

Edited August 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4