How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[andyg99]

I think all the people you mentioned will find peace and happiness. It takes time obviously. I feel that I have been irrepairably damaged.....

 

take a close look at what you said here... that's your pain talking to you... on one hand you are saying that those who are going through something similar will find peace and happiness, and then you basically say there is no hope for you... of course all of our situations are unique but why is yours so unique that you can't find peace and happiness like you feel others will?

 

Slowly the pain subsides, part of it is a factor of time and the other part is doing the work you need to do to move on. So let time do it's thing and, sorry to say this, also get those crazy notions out of your head you never being able to find happiness. Do whatever it takes, we don't have all the answers for you but it's time to do the work and find them! Counseling, talk to friends, family, whatever it takes! - change the subject, it's time to stop going over and over the same stuff! Hey, you got the double whammy with losing your job too - all we can do for you is give advice and you have gotten some great advice here some are at the same point you are at, some like me have dealt with this years ago... listen to the folks who share your pain, listen to the folks who can offer you their experience and above all get past the pain and listen to your good common sense!

 

We know you were wronged, now you need to focus the conversation on what you need to do to get well! It's crucial that you move past this anger and hate - and for the last time get those crazy fantasies of your boy hating this new guy out of your head! He's a toddler! Stop it! God bless you man, you are a good guy and I know you will get past this and be an awesome dad and an all-around awesome person!

[marqueemoon4]

and for the last time get those crazy fantasies of your boy hating this new guy out of your head! He's a toddler! Stop it!

 

I don't mean now.. I mean down the road if OM is still in the picture, and I'll bet he will be. No, I don't want my 4yr old to "hate" anyone. I also feel the OM is irrelevant and should 0 say in the his development. I'm sure his mother has other ideas.

 

I just thought of another analogy... imho, and I THOUGHT in my exW's opinion, I don't believe in divorce when there are children involved unless there are extreme cases of neglect/infidelity/etc. Its alot like abortion.. its so easy for a woman to get pregnant, run to the clinic and have the baby aborted. I'm a pro choice person, but ultimately its way too easy to get an abortion. same thing is true with divorce... its far to easy to get a divorce and run instead of AT LEAST trying. there was never any effort on either side, it was just over and done before I even knew what was was happening. I do agree with the mentality that it is NOT healthy for a child to grow up in an environment where his parents are fighting and disrespectful to each other. However, I don't for a second believe our "differences" were irreconcilable. she just stopped caring, and my son will ultimately suffer for it.

Edited August 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

I always wonder what goes on in the head of someone who busts up a family.

How do they live with that guilt? Jesus...

[andyg99]

I also feel the OM is irrelevant and should 0 say in the his development. I'm sure his mother has other ideas.

 

.

 

Your son is spending significant time with him. He is not irrelevant. As long as he is with your ex, that could be another month or the next 30 years - and if it's closer to the latter then well will have a say in your boys development. It's not about whether it's right or wrong, it's your reality now. Yes, a reality that you did not ask for but nonetheless it's yours and YOUR BOY'S reality that he is part of his life now.

 

Yes, it isn't fair, yes it isn't right what she did... but that is what you have to deal with whether you like it or not. I'm sure some men in similar situations have just said "f-k it!" and left their kid behind to start a new life. Trust me in my darkest days when I was with 3 kids 5 and under and my ex was off living with a new guy in my house I had ideas of leaving it all behind.

 

When you have time go back and read some of your posts - although you say sometimes that you would have worked it out with her and tried to keep your family together go re-read some of the things you said about her, not just post breakup but some of the things you said about how she was BEFORE you broke up.... is it possible that you two are better off apart? and in turn could a happy dad be better for your son?

[marqueemoon4]

I always wonder what goes on in the head of someone who busts up a family.

How do they live with that guilt? Jesus...

 

You mean like the OM? In my case he didn't break up my family, that was my exes decision. Now would I or most sane people get with a woman separated for a few months who has a 4yr old and the biological father 10 minutes away? HELL NO. I'm sure she encouraged him by saying I'm a monster, abusive, involved in 9/11 plot, started Chicago fire, shot Kennedy etc. Again, she is ALWAYS the victim.

[LifesontheUp]

You mean like the OM? In my case he didn't break up my family, that was my exes decision. Now would I or most sane people get with a woman separated for a few months who has a 4yr old and the biological father 10 minutes away? HELL NO. I'm sure she encouraged him by saying I'm a monster, abusive, involved in 9/11 plot, started Chicago fire, shot Kennedy etc. Again, she is ALWAYS the victim.

 

So you are the victim?

[marqueemoon4]

So you are the victim?

 

well.. all I know is i was cheated on, lied to countless times, she planned the whole thing behind my back, she tried to take my son away via protective order for 2yrs out of pure spite and to get me out of the picture, I had to find about the OM on my own and get proof with a PI.. I don't know if I'm the victim because I certainly made mistakes of my own, a couple of big ones. That said, I have taken responsibility for my actions for over a year.. haven't lied about anything and never cheated on her. you be the judge... I'm not comfortable calling myself the victim.

Edited August 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[LifesontheUp]

well.. all I know is i was cheated on, lied to countless times, she planned the whole thing behind my back, she tried to take my son away via protective order for 2yrs out of pure spite and to get me out of the picture, I had to find about the OM on my own and get proof with a PI.. I don't know if I'm the victim because I certainly made mistakes of my own, a couple of big ones. That said, I have taken responsibility for my actions for over a year.. haven't lied about anything and never cheated on her. you be the judge... I'm not comfortable calling myself the victim.

 

So what are you then?

[marqueemoon4]

someone who was forced into being a single father against his will? i'm not sure what you're looking for.

[andyg99]

someone who was forced into being a single father against his will? i'm not sure what you're looking for.

 

you wrote earlier on in this thread:

 

I was just thinking.. the downward spiral of my "marriage" started when we got in a fight a little after a year in.. she threatened divorce, I called her white trash. I couldn't have been more right.

 

maybe she did you a favor... maybe you being a single dad is best for YOU and your child!

[marqueemoon4]

you wrote earlier on in this thread:

 

 

 

maybe she did you a favor... maybe you being a single dad is best for YOU and your child!

 

you're probably right.. I wish it wasn't true and I would love to be an everyday dad, but...

 

the bottom line is I MUST get to a point where NOTHING she does affects me at all. from now on I will expect the absolute worst from her. trying to get jabs in on her or trying to get her to take any responsibility is an exercise in futility.. I should know this by now. I gotta make ME happy somehow.

Edited August 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Lexygirl]

you're probably right.. I wish it wasn't true and I would love to be an everyday dad, but...

 

the bottom line is I MUST get to a point where NOTHING she does affects me at all. from now on I will expect the absolute worst from her. trying to get jabs in on her or trying to get her to take any responsibility is an exercise in futility.. I should know this by now. I gotta make ME happy somehow.

 

Yes !!!!!!

[andyg99]

you're probably right.. I wish it wasn't true and I would love to be an everyday dad, but...

 

the bottom line is I MUST get to a point where NOTHING she does affects me at all. from now on I will expect the absolute worst from her. trying to get jabs in on her or trying to get her to take any responsibility is an exercise in futility.. I should know this by now. I gotta make ME happy somehow.

 

excellent! hang onto those thoughts, when things get tough and your boy is not around let it out in front of family, friends and of course here... we care, she doesn't...

[marqueemoon4]

kind of sad anonymous people on a message board care more for me than the mother of my son. c'est la vie.

[marqueemoon4]

I might also add I will never date another woman whose parents are divorced. Never. Every person I've met whether it be my ex, old gf's, even MALE friends from that background always would rather cut and run than work things out. They always do the blameshifting thing and refuse to take any responsibility. This behavior is the complete opposite of how I handle things. As I've stated before if there is any conflict in these relationships I usually have two choices.. take all the blame or never talk to them again. Sometimes even taking all the blame isn't enough. I'm sorry, I'm not gonna be treated like that by anyone.

 

I'm scared my son is going to be this way.

Edited August 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

you're probably right.. I wish it wasn't true and I would love to be an everyday dad, but...

 

the bottom line is I MUST get to a point where NOTHING she does affects me at all. from now on I will expect the absolute worst from her. trying to get jabs in on her or trying to get her to take any responsibility is an exercise in futility.. I should know this by now. I gotta make ME happy somehow.

 

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY

 

It clicked!!!!!!!!!

:D:D:love:;);):cool::D:D:D:D:D:D:D

[dreamingoftigers]

stronger as in not letting him see me sad. I do think I'm a good father.

 

You know I can post feelings up here all day.. valid or not and nothing is going to change. I feel completely helpless.

 

Sadness is part of the human experience. It would be toxic to let that sadness overwhelm the majority of visits with him etc. Or to let sadness run your life.

 

But telling him that you are sad that you cannot see him more often and that you miss him etc. Without laying blame on your ex would actually be quite healthy. You can also tell him that it is okay to be sad or have any other feelings.

[Craig2425]

you're probably right.. I wish it wasn't true and I would love to be an everyday dad, but...

 

the bottom line is I MUST get to a point where NOTHING she does affects me at all. from now on I will expect the absolute worst from her. trying to get jabs in on her or trying to get her to take any responsibility is an exercise in futility.. I should know this by now. I gotta make ME happy somehow.

I'm the same way but it's so hard when you just want them to see WTF there're doing.

You're right that it's just a complete waste of time tho because they don't and won't see what they've done. They could care less.

[BrettLost]

Marqeemoon4,

 

I think about how ur own upbringing also shapes ur ability to handle problems in relationships.

 

My ex was from a split home, much of her behaviour mimics what she had told me her mum did to her when she was little. Her dad however was quite abusive so i cant blame her mum for her decision, yet i am by no means at all abusive.

We just fell into the rut of life, and she wanted the buzz/honeymoon phase to last forever. She obviously didnt think i was worth the effort of pushing through to save it, if not for herself, for the well balanced upbringing for her kids that she never got.

 

My parents are still married. How many other people do u know who's parents are...? Not many.

 

I too get furious that MY children are now, living through the broken home/split parents life, when all i wanted and strived for was what my own parents achieved.

Such a vicious cycle of life, where ur own destiny is altered through no decision on ur part.

 

I too dont think I could EVER be involved with anyone from a split home again. The values and coping behaviours are just so complete opposite.

[LifesontheUp]

you're probably right.. I wish it wasn't true and I would love to be an everyday dad, but...

 

the bottom line is I MUST get to a point where NOTHING she does affects me at all. from now on I will expect the absolute worst from her. trying to get jabs in on her or trying to get her to take any responsibility is an exercise in futility.. I should know this by now. I gotta make ME happy somehow.

 

 

^^^^ this is what I was hoping to get to.

 

Why bother wasting anymore of your time on your xW, doesn't get you anywhere other than angry and hurt. Instead why not focus on you and your son?

[marqueemoon4]

YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY

 

It clicked!!!!!!!!!

:D:D:love:;);):cool::D:D:D:D:D:D:D

 

 

Yea it clicked. Now I have to stick to it and not fall back into the negative pattern. It dawned on me she is still documenting on me and waiting to use anything I do "wrong" against me. I can't even begin to explain how despicable that is if its true, but it probably is. This is a vindictive, dangerous person I'm dealing with, and she can make my life even more miserable if I give her the opportunity.

 

I cannot fathom this type of behavior, but I have to accept this is the way she is. There is no reasoning with or compromising with someone like this. She enjoys kicking me when I'm down and labeling me as a monster to make herself feel better. Something inside me doesn't want to believe this, but its totally true. Maybe its pride not wanting to admit that I got played out by some 30yr old chick but I guess I did. Her days of making my life miserable are OVER.

[itllgetbetter]

I agree that it makes a difference in how you approach situations in your own M, depending on whether you came from an intact home or one where there's been a D.

 

Just curious to those who've commented that they won't get involved again with someone from a split home: Before you got married, did your parents express a concern about the difference between coming from a split home and one that's intact and how this might impact on the M?

 

Marqeemoon4: your comment about anonymous people on a message board caring more than ex-spouses seems sad but true.

[marqueemoon4]

I was VERY concerned about her background and expressed those concerns numerous times. We talked about it at length, and she said she wouldn't even consider divorce and would do anything to work things out because she saw first hand how damaging it was to her etc etc. She has no respect for fathers since her biological one was by all accounts truly an abusive nightmare. She is also incapable of giving support or positive feedback. I remember when I got my last job.. it was a huge deal to me because it was a big pay raise and it meant our family would be even more comfortable. For the life of me I have no idea why she wasn't happy about it because it meant she could continue to be a stay at home mother and focus on the development of our son. She was afforded that luxury because she was with me.

 

It's almost like she was ever only nice because she knew she needed me, now she realizes she doesn't so she can be as horrible to me as possible. The comment she made when I said be glad you're getting $735 considering I'm between jobs.. "that's not my concern". Again we're talking about someone who stated a year or so after we were married that she is "a cold person". Seriously, who would say something like this.

 

This person is really not right in the head. And she has surrounded herself with people who feel sorry for her and that reinforce that she was so slighted and treated terribly.

 

IF I DON'T CARE WHAT SHE THINKS HER POWER GOES AWAY AND SHE CAN NO LONGER HURT ME. Period.

 

I'm not letting this negatively affect myself or my child anymore.

Edited August 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[itllgetbetter]

I don't understand either why she wouldn't be happy about your pay raise - not only was it good for you career wise, but, as you indicated below, it allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom.

 

I don't know what your financial situation is like, but, if the CS payments are too much because you're unemployed, would you consider having those reduced until you find another job? To be clear, I'm not suggesting that you don't do your part in raising your son, just that you be able to manage financially during this period of unemployment. Alternatively, is there any chance that during your unemployment your W would let your son live with you - perhaps that way you could avoid the CS payments altogether.

 

It was very harsh of her to respond that it isn't any of her concern - that's a complete lack of empathy.

 

How's the job hunt going?

[marqueemoon4]

I don't understand either why she wouldn't be happy about your pay raise - not only was it good for you career wise, but, as you indicated below, it allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom.

 

I don't know what your financial situation is like, but, if the CS payments are too much because you're unemployed, would you consider having those reduced until you find another job? To be clear, I'm not suggesting that you don't do your part in raising your son, just that you be able to manage financially during this period of unemployment. Alternatively, is there any chance that during your unemployment your W would let your son live with you - perhaps that way you could avoid the CS payments altogether.

 

It was very harsh of her to respond that it isn't any of her concern - that's a complete lack of empathy.

 

How's the job hunt going?

 

basically my attorney said I was let go from my job due to cause, there is nothing that can be done. If she fights it she'll win. You're damn right her saying "its not her concern" is harsh.. THATS THE TYPE OF PERSON SHE IS.

 

there is no way she would let him live with me.. and really I feel like I'll get a job soon. In the meantime I am signing up for unemployment benefits.. every little bit helps. Once I get another job and dig out of all the bills I have, I feel like things will be much better. I just have to take the right steps to do so. I really think I need to sell the motorcycle too.. that was a bad idea.