How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[LifesontheUp]

Congrats. Keep up the positivity and you are going to be fine :-)

[marqueemoon4]

Women of LS.. PLEASE help out here.. is this NORMAL? Is marriage really either you're together or you're mortal enemies? I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THIS. I MADE MISTAKES, YES, AND I HAVE SOME ISSUES THAT I AM AWARE OF AND TRYING TO WORK ON. I have come so far and I don't let little things get to me. This is NOT a little thing. This person does not care whether I am on the streets and homeless. That is SICK... it is not NORMAL.

 

if she gave ANYTHING it would make a WORLD of difference. But she WON'T. I cannot RELATE to this behavior, I just can't. This is not the way I was raised.

[worldgonewrong]

Just curious to those who've commented that they won't get involved again with someone from a split home: Before you got married, did your parents express a concern about the difference between coming from a split home and one that's intact and how this might impact on the M?

 

First of all, regarding what Brettlost and MM4 wrote, that resonates for me too. Big time.

 

In answer to your question, itllgetbetter, I think my folks (still married after all these years) probably did have some quiet reservations. They understood that the coping skills of a child (adult) from a broken home are just different from those kids who come from an intact family. By the same token, my parents realized that the odds of marrying someone FROM a broken home are high; it's just an unavoidable (so to speak) statistical reality these days.

[marqueemoon4]

First of all, regarding what Brettlost and MM4 wrote, that resonates for me too. Big time.

 

In answer to your question, itllgetbetter, I think my folks (still married after all these years) probably did have some quiet reservations. They understood that the coping skills of a child (adult) from a broken home are just different from those kids who come from an intact family. By the same token, my parents realized that the odds of marrying someone FROM a broken home are high; it's just an unavoidable (so to speak) statistical reality these days.

 

for the record my parents have been married for 47 years. they have been through some pretty hard times but always have been there for each other and worked things out. they are very different people.. my mom is super emotional and my dad is extremely logical and doesn't let anything get to him. how they have held it together for all these years is pretty amazing.. but they have done well for themselves, and have two kids who love them.

 

also for the record, I am adopted. I was adopted at 6mos, and my parents made every effort to make sure I felt loved and appreciated. there is no getting around my severe abandonment issues come from being adopted. I was never the type who had to know about/find his biological parents. I didn't care because my parents were always supportive and loving. strange thing is my biological mom came looking for me in 2001.. and child services notified my parents. turns out she never left the DC area and had been living about a half hour from me the whole time. she never had another child. we met and it was awkward but a good opportunity to find out about my family history. she stated a day hasn't gone by since 1970 when she gave me up that she hasn't thought about me. I told her she did the right thing, my adopted parents gave me a wonderful life.

 

also, my sister who is 2yrs younger than me was not adopted. she is the biggest over achiever I've ever seen.. straight A student through high school, accomplished ballerina (she was part of the Joffrey ballet for a while), followed after my father by going to MIT, was top of her class, went to Harvard Medical and again was top of her class. she is married to another doctor and has 3 kids. She has her own plastic surgery practice in MD about an hour from me. Oh, and by all accounts she is "hot" as per all my friends. I remember when i was in 11th grade and she was a freshman (the only year we went to school together, she left for a prestigious prep school the next year) she won a beauty/talent show for the entire school as a freshman. I was so proud of her. All my life I've heard "wow what happened to you" and why do you look nothing like your family etc etc.

 

I've never felt like I fit in anywhere.. thats why my exW meant so much to me, I really thought she was the first person who really loved me for ME. My son is the only blood relative I have. I can't explain the joy and pure bliss I felt when I found out we were going to have a boy. I've never been so happy in my entire life. He is everything to me and always will be. She knows all of this. ALL I EVER WANTED FROM HER WAS TO LOVE ME AND UNDERSTAND ME. I WANTED TO BE APPRECIATED FOR EVERYTHING I DID FOR HER. To this day no one has done more for this person, not her parents, BF or anyone else. She will never give me any credit for any of this, she'll just label me and continue her whole f-ed up cycle with someone else.

Edited August 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

Women of LS.. PLEASE help out here.. is this NORMAL? Is marriage really either you're together or you're mortal enemies? I DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE THIS. I MADE MISTAKES, YES, AND I HAVE SOME ISSUES THAT I AM AWARE OF AND TRYING TO WORK ON. I have come so far and I don't let little things get to me. This is NOT a little thing. This person does not care whether I am on the streets and homeless. That is SICK... it is not NORMAL.

 

if she gave ANYTHING it would make a WORLD of difference. But she WON'T. I cannot RELATE to this behavior, I just can't. This is not the way I was raised.

 

I will post up sometime this weekend.

 

But the short story is this: it depends on the emotional maturity of the woman. How much she warned you about how unhappy she was (and MM4, o know that you think this hit without warning but you did tell me that she complained a lot and she did tell you after an altercation that if you continued to address her in x way that one day she would take your son and go. Women (in general) do not threaten to pull the rip cord unless: they want you to acknowledge the seriousness of their position OR it was particularly explosive, but that is a very bad sign in itself).

 

In your ex even semi-frequently said it, then that is a MAJOR BILLBOARD.

 

What typically happens is after awhile if nothing changes, women start to feel that there is "no point talking about it." because "he doesn't care what I have to say anyways." Men view it as "just bitching." once that withdrawal stage hits, you are pretty close to screwed.

 

Women very often DO NOT impulsively leave. They very often have prepped and planned and have put a fair amount of thought and work into leaving. Debating about leaving in itself often takes months unless tha circumstance is so bad that she HAS to leave.

 

Once a woman feels neglected to the point where she has to go, she really really resents you. She feels as though the relationship was made so insufferable by your actions and that she talked to you about it a zillion times and nothing happened. Or even worse: you complained about her complaining. Or even worse than that: you let her know that you didn't care if she left, even in the heat of battle with her.

 

Telling a woman that you don't care if she leaves or that she couldn't cut it as wife, mother etc. Is like swallowing relational cyanide. It's also a good way to get a woman to HATE you.

 

So in her opinion, rightly or wrongly, she WILL seek validation. Especially if she doesn't have the emotional skill to validate herself. The worst thing that you can do to a woman in a marriage is have her feel "alone but married." Then on top of that, blame HER for feeling that way. I.e. She complains about something and you respond "well if you just did x, the problem would be solved, so I don't want to hear about it anymore." she wants you to understand her being overwhelmed, frustrated, angry or sad. Not tell her how she has to create a cleaning schedule (or whatever).

 

That being said about validation and aloneness and resentment, when a woman perceives that she has gone through this for too long, she views you as selfish. When she realizes that she is the window-dressing on your fatabulous life, she feels cheated. At that point we see what we see on LS so often: she tries to reclaim the lost years she spent with you where she THOUGHT she was special, but in her mind it turns out she wasn't. How many times do we see weird posts where the guy a woman has started sleeping with is say 12 years younger then her and the marriage is 12 years. That's a reach for youth.

 

So in the bigger picture for her, she wasted a lot of years on one man who thought more about his own selfish things and his own image and narcissistic temperament then just listening to her for 10 minutes a night. She's been listening to his day for years!

 

That being the setup, she will either get your validation and appreciation for being there for you. (btw, when affection leaves the marriage that is another warning sign, big one.)

 

Or at a huge cost, she will validate herself and divorce you. If she is unhealthy: she will push every button you've got to get that validation from you. She will pick the biggest-crazy making button you've got. Until you either say: " you know what, things weren't so bad and I treated YOU like ass." (which is much different then "I was an ass, I did some things wrong. You should try with me. We have a child, house, I did xyz for you all these years.")

The first one validates HER, the second him is him validating HIMSELF and trying to reason away her feelings. And in her perception "guilting" her. You were married, you didn't act to her like you cared in the way that she needed most so in her opinion: you owe her her youth and validation and she doesn't owe you ANYTHING. Rightly or wrongly that's how it is.

 

If she still can't get that simple validation after she's left. She'll take a pound of flesh. She will take it until she isn't angry anymore. Meanwhile you rage or fall apart which tells her that she made the right decision. "This guy is nuts" she tells her friends. She gets validation from them.

 

So, it all depends on how crazy (or empty) she was to begin with, how much you didn't just listen to her, and how much she feels she's lost.

 

With your wife MM4, she isn't going to see what you are going through. She will look at that as a circumstance that you created yourself. And she is partially right. You married her, you dismissed her (by her perception, not fully knowing what you would need to do to maintain a relationship with her).

 

But to her she's lost the opportunity to be a stay-at-home Mom, youth, and years of being unhappy (because the marriage will be rewritten as ALL being unhappy).

 

When I read your conversations to her, I see you screaming (figuratively) for validation. You want her to admit that you were a good husband and that she had no right or good enough reason to do this to your family.

 

That being the case, you are a personification of her being completely invalidated.

 

She will take a pound of flesh for awhile after it stops.

I hope that you have extra. She's pretty dysfunctional and doesn't have the maturity to make the situation easier.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay, so that was the long story and now I'm late.

[dreamingoftigers]

Quite frankly, I think of myself as a very nice and patient person in general. I also see the long-term implications for my daughter.

 

But it will take every ounce of self-control that I have and can borrow to not completely eviscerate my husband emotionally, financially and otherwise after this is all over.

 

I have truly, honestly though of sleeping with someone just to give him the unavoidable physiological sting of adultery. Because I know he is lacking self-confidence and it would hit like a ton of bricks.

 

This is not a frequent thought and only out of anger. I have enough perspective to realize that destroying myself and my values to hurt someone is pretty stupid.

[Woggle]

Some men act that way but on the other hand some women are just plain screwed in the head and no matter what the man says or does she will still find a reason to be angry at home. Women who come from backgrounds like her are just full of rage and when they find a man they feel safe with instead of appreciating it they look at him as an easy outlet and target for their rage. He becomes a stand in for all the man that ever hurt her.

 

It isn't always the man's fault.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sorry if it came across as me painting the guy as evil. I was trying to explain her perspective and to be honest, displaying a little anger from my own. I don't think she is as entitled to it unless there are factors that I am not aware of. I was also not trying to present it as a moral or decent stance.

 

I personally have a lot more control on my temperament and view a marriage and my own emotional well-being as something _I_ am responsible for.

 

I know that I haven't updated the other thread "Affair Boat" to respond to the other end of the spectrum (the guys going the extra mile to please their wives and getting zilch back). Will sometime this weekend hopefully.

 

There is also the fact that both men and women with unresolved trauma and anxiety (most of us) have considerable trouble seeing their own responsibility and figure that their partners should "let things slide" but can't handle the behaviors of their partners.

 

Also the relationship that we have with our opposite-gender parent colours our template with our spouse UNLESS we are aware of that as a factor and can compensate for it in ourselves.

[marqueemoon4]

I'll never say I was a great husband.. I wasn't. Guess what? She sucked as a wife. I was willing to make amends at any cost. She wasn't. She was already busy cheating on me and making exit plans. I wonder how I would've reacted if she came to me and said "I am unhappy with how things are, I think its negatively affecting our son, and we need to work through this or end it". In April/May of 2010 I don't know what I would've said. I probably would've blown her off. That all said, there is still NO JUSTIFICATION for her cheating. There is still NO justification for attempting to take my son away. She can rewrite history she likes but I never neglected my child, never.

 

So, since I was completely unhappy too.. should I have said F it.. I'm cheating on her and working on a plan to get rid of her? Oh and I'm gonna blame everything on her and take no responsibility. Really? Oh, I'm in a catch 22 because if I end things with her guess what--- I no longer get to live with my son. Oh, and its not like she USED to be affectionate and it slowly went away.. she was NEVER affectionate, at least not to me. I felt like I was being USED. And you know what, everything she said in MC points to that. She said people are only nice when they want something (her all the way), she said she didn't like sex (are you kidding me??), and when the MC asked her what drew her to me in the first place her answer was-- oh because he was older and I thought he had his act together. THATS IT. Not I thought he was handsome, I thought he was funny, I thought he was caring, kind and honest etc.

 

Why did I stay with her in 2002 when I KNEW she was too young for me, came from a **** background, was nowhere near my equal in any way etc? Because I loved helping her, I loved making her life better and in doing so it improved my life. Is that wrong???

[dreamingoftigers]

As well, someone else's love can never replace self-love.

 

It simply can't.

 

If someone in childhood never got loved properly or was convinced that they are not loveable. Or that they are only lovable if X, then having someone else care for them makes them actually disbelieve the other person has any sense.

 

Every long-term relationship that we have with others is the extension of one crucial relationship template: the one we have with ourselves.

[marqueemoon4]

As well, someone else's love can never replace self-love.

 

It simply can't.

 

If someone in childhood never got loved properly or was convinced that they are not loveable. Or that they are only lovable if X, then having someone else care for them makes them actually disbelieve the other person has any sense.

 

Every long-term relationship that we have with others is the extension of one crucial relationship template: the one we have with ourselves.

 

I agree 100%. But at the end of the day.. I married a woman with major self esteem and daddy issues who was way too young for me and to this day has never supported herself for 5 minutes. I don't think it mattered one damn bit how I treated her.. we were doomed from day one. And also, she didn't "lose" the ability to be a stay at home mom.. she didn't WANT to be a stay at home mom anymore.. he was three and ready for daycare and she wanted to work. She said she felt useless hanging around the house all day with our son. I told her you know what, I'll trade places with you ANY day of the week. Oh wait, you cant support all of us making $12k a year can you... I encouraged her to get back into massage therapy because I knew she loved it. So, she gets a job at another "spa" or whatever it is.. and guess what. She makes a bunch of friends, starts cheating on me with one of them, and uses her friends as a way to leave me?!? Again, are you ****ing kidding?

 

Again, she will never appreciate what I did for her.. especially now she has some other chump doing everything for her. I have no respect for pathetic people like this.. just like her mom, without a man SHE HAS NOTHING. If not for OM, she would be living at her parents house. She got spoiled living a lifestyle she ONLY GOT BECAUSE SHE WAS WITH ME. **** it, I have to cut my significant losses and forget about this SOMEHOW. There will never be any resolution to this. I am done with her for LIFE.

Edited August 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[LifesontheUp]

You could live another million years and never understand her MM4.

 

Personally I believe that your life is what you make it despite any issues you have faced and the way you grew up.

 

I was brought up without any affection or love from my mum or dad. Does that mean I am the same way with my own son - hell no. I made the decision that was wrong and have made sure he knows how much we love him.

 

Everything is a choice in my eyes. Just some people don't want to look at things and learn from their mistakes. I can see you do MM4 and acknowledging your mistakes will make you better placed than your ex for the future.

[worldgonewrong]

You could live another million years and never understand her MM4.

 

Personally I believe that your life is what you make it despite any issues you have faced and the way you grew up.

 

I was brought up without any affection or love from my mum or dad. Does that mean I am the same way with my own son - hell no. I made the decision that was wrong and have made sure he knows how much we love him.

 

Everything is a choice in my eyes. Just some people don't want to look at things and learn from their mistakes. I can see you do MM4 and acknowledging your mistakes will make you better placed than your ex for the future.

 

This is a spot-on post.

My dad grew up the son of an abusive alcoholic, even though his parents stuck it out til death. Lots of effed-up, unloving formative experiences. And yet my dad is a true family man, a rock, who understands values and the importance of family.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll never say I was a great husband.. I wasn't. Guess what? She sucked as a wife. I was willing to make amends at any cost. She wasn't. She was already busy cheating on me and making exit plans. I wonder how I would've reacted if she came to me and said "I am unhappy with how things are, I think its negatively affecting our son, and we need to work through this or end it". In April/May of 2010 I don't know what I would've said. I probably would've blown her off. That all said, there is still NO JUSTIFICATION for her cheating. There is still NO justification for attempting to take my son away. She can rewrite history she likes but I never neglected my child, never.

 

So, since I was completely unhappy too.. should I have said F it.. I'm cheating on her and working on a plan to get rid of her? Oh and I'm gonna blame everything on her and take no responsibility. Really? Oh, I'm in a catch 22 because if I end things with her guess what--- I no longer get to live with my

son. Oh, and its not like she USED to be affectionate and it slowly went away.. she was NEVER affectionate, at least not to me. I felt like I was being USED. And you know what, everything she said in MC points to that. She said people are only nice when they want something (her all the way), she said she didn't like sex (are you kidding me??), and when the MC asked her what drew her to me in the first place her answer was-- oh because he was older and I thought he had his act together. THATS IT. Not I thought he was handsome, I thought he was funny, I thought he was caring, kind and honest etc.

 

Why did I stay with her in 2002 when I KNEW she was too young for me, came from a **** background, was nowhere near my equal in any way etc? Because I loved helping her, I loved making her life better and in doing so it improved my life. Is that wrong???

 

Her perspective was not logical or fair. It's most likely why she's like that.

I am going to have to put "there is no justification for cheating" in my signature.

 

One of my "friends" left a decent guy and her two children behind. She's the most selfish woman I have ever met. In fact yesterday she stoke the husband's $500.00 Child Tax credit. She knows he won't turn her in because he has been so financially cratered having to take the expense of the two kids, car etc. That he has been doing cash work while on Employment Benefits. If she turns him in, his benefits get cut (for starters.)

 

She had everyone do everything for her for years. She would get free babysitting and stay out all night (regularly). She would borrow moneymabd things (from everyone) and never pay it back. She went "boyfriend shopping" for a year before she left.

 

She kept the place that they were living until she lost it and got evicted. Sue tried keeping the car and getting him to make the payments claiming she needed it for "work." she was a stay at home Mom before the split who had never held a job for longer then 4 months, she would stop showing up to work most often. She thought she was going to get alimony and that she wouldn't have to support herself (HA!).

 

She hasn't seen her children in weeks and has, in fact dumped them off at a mutual friend of our's place. She now claims she "has no car to pick them up with." and "can't afford it right now." which is so pathetic because she just went out to BC with her new bf for 12 days!

 

Not to mention my friend couldn't afford to be out of work for a month to care for her kids. The stbxh works for her boyfriend and so they have generously been watching the kids to help him get ahead and get out of the situation with the evil skank.

 

All in all, there is actually much more to this (including her sleeping with his brother while he was working up North on two-week rotations at her demand.) I have to cut my posting short about her because I have known her for 10 years and have never seen the level of selfishness I have seen from this person over the last two years. Ugh.

 

Don't get me started on the way she treats her kids.

 

Anyways..... My point is that a month or so after she left, she phoned me saying she had left M. (and could she borrow some cash). She said, "I wasn't happy with him. And I have been selfless for years and I finally did something to make me happy."

:sick:

 

Her perspective is just, wow. The mutual friend we have has known J since junior high. I have known J for ten years. Oh jeez... 11 years.

 

E and I just digustedly laughed. Of all the people in the world she threw away people, family and lately friends for the smallest slights and often she wails the loudest. She goes on FB and complains about her stbxh "ruining her life" because he took his car back when she was in BC.

 

She writes up these whiny diatribes about having to take the bus and "why does this happen to me?" ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

 

I would unfriend her on FB but truly I am morbidly fascinated that I can't help myself.

[Woggle]

That sounds like my ex. Luckily we had no friends but her life has been a complete trainwreck since the divorce yet somehow it is all my fault. I ruined her life even though I have not seen her since 2006 and have had no contact since she got out of prison the first time.

 

The biggest mistake men make is trying to play the knight in shining armor instead of finding a woman who already has herself together. A person who screws up their life over and over again is not a victim and these guys need to realize that.

[dreamingoftigers]

She very well may have been a victim AT ONE TIME.

 

But we need to learn from our own mistakes and realize that healing in life does have to be our responsibility.

 

Nobody that is unhealed should be entering into a relationship with another person. It screws up the foundation.

 

Of course when we are young we have no concept of this. Life is sometimes a harsh learning curve.

 

Woggle, you have exactly the right idea.

 

Truly though, it is a bit of narcissism to think that WE must be the missing ingredient to turn someone's ****ty life into a golden one.

[marqueemoon4]

 

The biggest mistake men make is trying to play the knight in shining armor instead of finding a woman who already has herself together. A person who screws up their life over and over again is not a victim and these guys need to realize that.

 

This is so true.. my exW pretty much ensnares men (like myself and OM) by playing the damsel in distress, sucks you in mainly with sex, you feel good for being able to help someone so much and you ASSUME that they appreciate it and will reciprocate SOMETHING at some point. Well, she never did and certainly doesn't today. I don't know if its because she was basically an only child (her two biological and two half brothers are all at least 9-11yrs older than her). Once she feels she's tapped you out of everything she thinks you have to offer, its off to the next sucker. Its the feeling of being robbed x 1000, except the person who robbed you was supposed to the one who CARED about you.

[marqueemoon4]

Interesting.. I was going to send someone a message on FB.. I scrolled back to our last conversation.. and there were messages to/from exW.. she is calling herself by her maiden name on FB. Good.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is so true.. my exW pretty much ensnares men (like myself and OM) by playing the damsel in distress, sucks you in mainly with sex, you feel good for being able to help someone so much and you ASSUME that they appreciate it and will reciprocate SOMETHING at some point. Well, she never did and certainly doesn't today. I don't know if its because she was basically an only child (her two biological and two half brothers are all at least 9-11yrs older than her). Once she feels she's tapped you out of everything she thinks you have to offer, its off to the next sucker. Its the feeling of being robbed x 1000, except the person who robbed you was supposed to the one who CARED about you.

 

Remember the "Codependency/High interest Credit Card" analogy?

 

I'll see if I can find it.

[dreamingoftigers]

Interesting.. I was going to send someone a message on FB.. I scrolled back to our last conversation.. and there were messages to/from exW.. she is calling herself by her maiden name on FB. Good.

 

Nice, a minor victory.

[andyg99]

mm - I hope you are reading tigers posts very carefully, she is providing some great insight. Re-read them over and over especially when you find yourself in that "bad place" that we all here know too well. She described how your ex could be looking at this situation (and quite accurate I'm sure). It's important that you realize (and you have pointed to it many times) that your marriage was doomed and YOU were not happy with her...

 

eventually you'll stop the whole "I would have worked it out with her/I wanted it to work for ours sons sake" and realize that it's best you two are not together. Now of course her method for breaking up was ALL WRONG, an affair is NOT how to end a marriage but if you are really honest with yourself, how can someone like her end it any other way?

 

You're on the right track buddy, stay the course, you will fall once in a while but don't beat yourself up over it, just get off the floor and move forward...

[andyg99]

Why did I stay with her in 2002 when I KNEW she was too young for me, came from a **** background, was nowhere near my equal in any way etc? Because I loved helping her, I loved making her life better and in doing so it improved my life. Is that wrong???

 

you loved doing all of that but did you love her? this is why these "rescue" scenarios often fail... here's this needy woman, she finds a needy man who needs to "take care of her" and make a better life for her... it fails because both partners are needy in their own way and eventually resentment becomes a big part of the marriage. Guy: "hey, look at all I did for you!" Lady: "I need more than your help, I need you" or "I need more"... there's blame to be had on BOTH sides.

 

So the marriage ends and the cycle repeats. The only thing YOU need to think of is yourself and your son, don't repeat this again, take a LONG time before you even consider dating seriously, become a different man. And here's the something that is vital: don't worry or even worse, don't hope that she is still repeating the mistakes she has made with you, it's her life now, whether she learned from her failures is her problem, not yours...

 

IMO a successful relationship can only be had if it is an equal partnership, neither one is needy and both respect each other, it's sounds like a "duh" but I do think it's that simple. The hard part is admitting to ourselves if we are ready and I think most folks jump in too often when the situation is doomed from the start...

[marqueemoon4]

you loved doing all of that but did you love her? this is why these "rescue" scenarios often fail... here's this needy woman, she finds a needy man who needs to "take care of her" and make a better life for her... it fails because both partners are needy in their own way and eventually resentment becomes a big part of the marriage. Guy: "hey, look at all I did for you!" Lady: "I need more than your help, I need you" or "I need more"... there's blame to be had on BOTH sides.

 

So the marriage ends and the cycle repeats. The only thing YOU need to think of is yourself and your son, don't repeat this again, take a LONG time before you even consider dating seriously, become a different man. And here's the something that is vital: don't worry or even worse, don't hope that she is still repeating the mistakes she has made with you, it's her life now, whether she learned from her failures is her problem, not yours...

 

IMO a successful relationship can only be had if it is an equal partnership, neither one is needy and both respect each other, it's sounds like a "duh" but I do think it's that simple. The hard part is admitting to ourselves if we are ready and I think most folks jump in too often when the situation is doomed from the start...

 

I wasn't needy when I met her. I was doing fine on my own and had resigned myself to eventually finding someone who was my equal. I don't know why that is so damn hard to find?? I struggled with trying to get rid of her but SHE JUST KEPT COMING BACK. So, banging hot 23yr old or nothing? Hmm. Over time I grew to care about her a great deal, and I guess I became co dependent on her. Then, she goes off birth control because it was causing her physical problems, I thought I wasn't capable of impregnating anyone because I never had, and BOOM she is pregnant. I might add I had proposed to her a week before she told me she was pregnant. Now that I know she is calculating, deceptive and a pathological liar I'm pretty sure she knew BEFORE I proposed.

[dreamingoftigers]

I wasn't needy when I met her. I was doing fine on my own and had resigned myself to eventually finding someone who was my equal. I don't know why that is so damn hard to find?? I struggled with trying to get rid of her but SHE JUST KEPT COMING BACK. So, banging hot 23yr old or nothing? Hmm. Over time I grew to care about her a great deal, and I guess I became co dependent on her. Then, she goes off birth control because it was causing her physical problems, I thought I wasn't capable of impregnating anyone because I never had, and BOOM she is pregnant. I might add I had proposed to her a week before she told me she was pregnant. Now that I know she is calculating, deceptive and a pathological liar I'm pretty sure she knew BEFORE I proposed.

 

Okay man, big step back here.

 

Hold the phone

 

Backup .... Beep ..... Beep ..... Beep

 

You had major abandonment issues and didn't really feel like you fit anywhere and just wanted someone to love and accept you.

 

You had a need. Yes you were needy when you met her and now in the above paragraph you made it sound like she created your relationship out of thin air.

 

Personally if I am trying to get rid of someone that won't go away, I generally stop sleeping with them and don't propose to them. I'm funny that way.

 

You got hooked on her. And the reasons for that are internal. You had a pattern or set of beliefs ingrained that meshed with her's well enough to spend 8 years together. You already know the factors, you already know the buttons.

 

In the bottom of your heart and the top of your mind, did it sound like a healthy foundation to start a family with? You did propose before you found out about your child, so that was what was coming.

 

Nobody is saying: you screwed up, therefore you are a crap person.

 

What is being said is this: you control the outcomes in your life, you cannot control in all cases what comes into your life, but you can control the outcome.

 

E + R = O

 

Events + your reaction = your outcome