How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[trippi1432]

What is being said is this: you control the outcomes in your life, you cannot control in all cases what comes into your life, but you can control the outcome.

 

E + R = O

 

Events + your reaction = your outcome

 

Public endorsement ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ very true!!

[marqueemoon4]

Okay man, big step back here.

 

Hold the phone

 

Backup .... Beep ..... Beep ..... Beep

 

You had major abandonment issues and didn't really feel like you fit anywhere and just wanted someone to love and accept you.

 

You had a need. Yes you were needy when you met her and now in the above paragraph you made it sound like she created your relationship out of thin air.

 

Personally if I am trying to get rid of someone that won't go away, I generally stop sleeping with them and don't propose to them. I'm funny that way.

 

You got hooked on her. And the reasons for that are internal. You had a pattern or set of beliefs ingrained that meshed with her's well enough to spend 8 years together. You already know the factors, you already know the buttons.

 

In the bottom of your heart and the top of your mind, did it sound like a healthy foundation to start a family with? You did propose before you found out about your child, so that was what was coming.

 

Nobody is saying: you screwed up, therefore you are a crap person.

 

What is being said is this: you control the outcomes in your life, you cannot control in all cases what comes into your life, but you can control the outcome.

 

E + R = O

 

Events + your reaction = your outcome

 

I disagree with this. At NO time did I have control of the outcome of my marriage. thats the whole point! it didn't matter what I said or what I did. SHE WAS NEVER IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL. I have NO idea why she accepted my proposal, maybe because she wanted health insurance, maybe she wanted my last name, maybe because she thought I would never leave her if we were married, maybe it was the incredibly nice engagement ring I spent almost $10gs on. I have NO IDEA. I can tell you it WASN'T because she loved ME and wanted to be with me the rest of her life. NO I DON'T have control of these things.. if I had been a perfect gentleman and done everything right THIS STILL WOULD'VE have happened. So, once I married her, you really think that MY REACTION would've changed anything if she fell out of love with me, had an extramarital affair etc, or commitment issues? Sorry, that line of thinking is severely flawed. And the smartass line about if I want someone to go away I don't sleep with them and propose to them.. well there were 4 YEARS in between meeting this nightmare and me proposing to her. SHE TRICKED ME. She wanted a meal ticket, she got it. I thought she had been faithful and there for me for four years, and I enjoyed her company, hence why I proposed. It was what I wanted, I thought it was what she wanted. I would LOVE to see where this person would be today if she hadn't met me in 02.

 

So, flash back to May 2010.. marriage had been unhappy for both of us for awhile. I had withdrawn after trying over and over and over to connect with her and getting rejected. She was sleeping in other room with my son because "i snored too loud". Unbeknownst to me she was planning an escape from this so called "abusive" marriage. She had been ice cold and distant for months... nothing I did made any difference, so after awhile I stopped trying. So, when going to bed at 8:30pm every night and leaving me by myself to watch tv or play video games, she was in my sons room texting with a bunch of people I don't know on how she could get out. AND was cheating with her coworker. Do you think if I knew she was doing these things I wouldn't have thrown her ass out, even if it meant she would take my son with me?? What exactly could I have done to stop any of this? Absolutely nothing. Oh, and also-- why do none of these rules APPLY TO HER?? Ohhh I see.. since she stopped giving a f*ck a long time ago that gives her a free pass to do whatever the hell she wants.. cheat, lie etc. sorry, its bull****.

 

I assume the "event" of my job interview on tuesday I had control over the outcome as well? I killed the interview, have the education/experience/intelligence for the job and guess what----- I STILL DIDN'T GET IT. So, how exactly how could I have controlled that outcome? I CAN"T BECAUSE THE DECISION WAS IN SOMEONE ELSES HANDS!! Why do I not have a girlfriend right now? Hmm.. I could go on 100 dates and be a perfect gentleman, treat them good, etc and at the end of the day if they don't want to go out on a second date I HAVE NO SAY IN THAT.

 

E+R = O is far too black and white and oversimplified.

Edited August 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[BrettLost]

MM4,

 

Whoa dude, ur last couple of posts read out my life to a tee man. All way too familiar.

 

U do feel played. Like a squeezed orange. But she fails to understand the impact of breaking the FAMILY, just because SHE is doing/feeling better (albeit temporarily).

 

Like another poster said, some people from split homes turn out to be outstanding parents and role models, based purely on the will to not let it happen to them.

 

Whether sub-consious or not though, most times people will fall into behaviours they are familiar with. ie; cut n run or see it through. Even small gestures of respect and validation sometimes dont get appraised because they are unable to process it for what u intended them to be.

[dreamingoftigers]

Okay man,

 

I said YOUR OUTCOME not THE OUTCOME AND EVERY EVENT THEREAFTER.

 

Allow me to clarify:

 

There is a tsunami on the island you live on. Your house is destroyed and your family drowns.

 

Choices: (for the sake of simplicity)

 

A) you decide that the whole meaning of your life is gone so why bother living

B) you notice other villagers where you live in the same boat as you (so to speak). Since your family has passed on, you know that you love them but they are not here. You know that they love(d) you and want you to be happy and have meaning in your life. You help rebuild the village and find meaning in taking in orphans who lost their patents during the flood. You share your guidance with them so that one day they may have families like yours and you draw from the joy that you are making the world a better place.

 

Maybe one day when the grief has subsided you share your life again. Otherwise you live in an honourable way in remembrance. Maybe you get UN touch with your spiritual side etc.

 

My point is that many options exist after suffering and/or rejection. But not if you give up and see it as impermeable.

 

It is true that your life may not be 100%.

 

But it may be 80%-90% and having meaning in your life would carry you through the downtimes.

 

Your Outcome is not reflective of the external things.

 

In my case, my physical surroundings and plenty of my friendships have undergone a significant shift innthe last year. Not to mention the bankruptcy, losing the business, having my car repoed and the situation with my husband being completely out to lunch.

 

But as for me, I feel in control and accepting of myself. You couldn't pay me enough to relive my early 20s. Feeling so small and dependent and sad. You couldn't pay me to go through being suicidal again. Ugh.

 

True, I still get overloaded and sad, but I can see that where things might be tough I don't have to waste my energy thinking and creating things that don't make me happy.

 

I believe that EVERYTHING in life can be used as a blessing. This isn't some hippie chant where we sit around smoking pot and chewing on willow bark. I had to hit a new rock bottom to find that out. I can find a life mission that gives me meaning and curtail all of my activities towards that. When I have a) certainty in myself and I know my abilities and weaknesses b) variety in my life to keep options open and be able to look at the bigger picture c) significance because of my meaning d) connection with others through trying to make the world a little better than when I got up this morning or at least take care of myself that I can do that tomorrow: then I am happy. I control my outcome.

 

In your case you cannot control your ex-wife's choices. Let's be fair: in the beginning you ignored the red flags out of choice or ignorance. You can't undo it. Now the event has happened where you've been speared by every single red flag.

 

Choices: (again for the sake if simplicity, truth be told there are hundreds of reactions)

 

A) bitch took everything from my life, I hate her. I will hate her all the livelong day and if she so much as looks at me wrong, I'll snap.

B) I will pretend everything is a-okay and just have cheap flings for the rest of my life. No point in trying to examine my life, it's broken anyways. I will NEVER be hurt again.

C) since I don't get to see my son evey single day thanks to my ex-wife's choices, I will find meaning in my life by doing things to encourage a better environment for him. Maybe I will give him great educational aides. Maybe I will work extra hours on the days I don't see him so that I can send him to private school. Maybe I will volunteer on the weekends serving a cause that will likely make my son's world a slightly better place when he gets older. Maybe I will realize that my time with him can only be part time and I can mentor other young boys who don't have a father.(this one is a little iffy I think but whatever). Maybe you can even become a Scout Leader and enroll him to have more excuses to take him to camp. You could even examine the laws in your state regarding custody and improve your profile with courses or whatever to better your chances of getting increased time.

 

The options get more diverse when you take into consideration your reaction.

 

You can't control others. No one can.

[dreamingoftigers]

MM4,

 

Whoa dude, ur last couple of posts read out my life to a tee man. All way too familiar.

 

U do feel played. Like a squeezed orange. But she fails to understand the impact of breaking the FAMILY, just because SHE is doing/feeling better (albeit temporarily).

 

Like another poster said, some people from split homes turn out to be outstanding parents and role models, based purely on the will to not let it happen to them.

 

Whether sub-consious or not though, most times people will fall into behaviours they are familiar with. ie; cut n run or see it through. Even small gestures of respect and validation sometimes dont get appraised because they are unable to process it for what u intended them to be.

 

Precisely! People's own thoughts and subconscious templates run their lives. Therefore: you don't have power over it and NOT ALL OF THEIR CHOICES ARE A REFLECTION OF YOU.

 

People's lives and moods are often a reflection of what is going on INSIDE them, not outside.

 

If you were to drop any two random people into any random situation, there are very good odds that they will react differently. The differences in their reaction will often come from two things:

 

1. History.

2. Neural function.

[marqueemoon4]

thanks for taking the time to clarify Dot

 

it makes sense.

[marqueemoon4]

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

[BrettLost]

Easier said than done hey. Only the tiniest spark is needed to re-ignite the flame.

 

Need to find some sort of fire-retardant super inflated sense of self-esteem.

[Lexygirl]

In the process of grieving, it's normal to feel sorry for oneself for a time. Give yourself permission to do it for a while. It IS all a process. If you fight any of your emotions, they will just come back to bite you in the butt in a different way (ie. angry outbursts, etc.)

Like I say give yourself permission to feel then give yourself permission to let it go and start seeing the positives eventually.

I have had VERY traumatic times in my life where I allow myself to lay in bed and cry like a baby. I talked to myself, talked to God, cried some more then got my azz up and did something, anything different.

Breathe, MM4. You WILL get through this.

[dreamingoftigers]

thanks for taking the time to clarify Dot

 

it makes sense.

 

You're welcome, glad I didn't phrase it as: you create your life

 

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself.

 

What's the positive opposite of that?

 

Btw. A lot of times I envision myself in something protective (I.e. Armour or like wearing Teflon so that the jibes slide off of me. ( and conveniently if anyone cooks on me and tries to eat it, over time they'll get cancer. So ha ha on them!)

 

Seriously though. The span before you were adopted is probably a lot more significant then you think. I am not talking hokey theorizing. Any care disruptions before the age of 18 months has a significant life-long effect unless properly treated or by teaching coping skills that the brain can respond to.

 

Both my husband and I were abandoned in infancy to other caregivers than our biological parents. There is a lot of information about it I have had to learn and process. Ugh.

 

Most people think that because you can't remember (no hippocampus before ages 2.5-4ish) it that it doesn't affect the little guys. It really does affect the set up of your amygdala (primal area) and limbic system (emotional and bonding).

[dreamingoftigers]

It probably feels kind of like you are going to die. It's not "normal" but it is normal for us dealing with very young abandoning.

 

Historically, if we lived in the jungles and got ostracized etc from our tribe/family, it almost certainly meant death. Those of us abandoned young or disrupted in care had that fear activated in our amygdala. We are particularly sensitive to it. This would also explain your rather slowed healing process. When you feel like you might die and someone else holds the key to that: well you can only guess.

 

The hard part is that a lot of times we don't even like the spouses orbthe way that they are treating us often anymore. But since they can yank that chain and make us freak out. (sometimes the pain feels like it is screaming). We say, we take the hits and we find someone low risk that we believe will stay with us. Better to have the security then to feel the fear or almost dying pain.

 

Of course if this was your first major relationship cratering, you probably didn't know what you were in for.

 

Life has a very sharp learning curve sometimes.

[marqueemoon4]

Nope.. I've been hurt numerous times in the past, and done some hurting of my own too. Nothing comes anywhere close to this. Whether I deserve it or if its "for the best".. my life has been taken away. I still haven't experienced a day of happiness in 15 months.

[TroyNJ]

Nope.. I've been hurt numerous times in the past, and done some hurting of my own too. Nothing comes anywhere close to this. Whether I deserve it or if its "for the best".. my life has been taken away. I still haven't experienced a day of happiness in 15 months.

 

Christ, this sounds exactly like me, except I haven't experienced a day of happiness in 13 months.

[dreamingoftigers]

It took just over two years and a ton of soul-searching.

 

And a TON of reading.

 

Gentlemen,

 

Divorce causes a deep limbic injury. Your limbic system is your emotional center. Having a family and spousal bind break actually causes a great upheaval right dead center.

 

I implore you not to shame yourselves or think that you are "weak" for feeling this way and having lower energy etc. It is literally a neurological development. I implore you to not do this partially because it will actually slow the healing of your brain.

 

Minimum six months to get back to full functioning. And that's just after a breakup. Be patient with yourselves.

 

Do activities that increase your dopamine levels (legal ones).

[marqueemoon4]

I let my dog out this morning and there was a hangtag on my door for a psychic.. I'm so out of ideas and desperate I'm considering calling her. How pathetic is that? Every day I hit a new low. I can't do this anymore.

[itllgetbetter]

My H told me he saw a psychic about a month after he left me because he didn't know where else to turn and nothing was making him feel better. According to what he told me she said, it didn't seem as if she had anything particularly novel to say and was reiterating whatever he wanted to hear.

 

About a month after H left me, a friend of mine and I were out and there was a guy reading tarrot cards to people. On a bit of lark, I had mine done. I went in with the attitude that I wanted to say nothing and just have him read the cards so that I don't influence anything he says. However, he insisted I tell him somethings (I was/am wearing my wedding band & engagement ring and he asked about my H, at which point I became all teary), and then I found he was feeding off whatever I told him.

 

Later when I got home I looked up the tarrot cards that I'd chosen and found out he didn't give an accurate description of what the cards meant.

 

That said, if you can spare the money and are interested, do it - and let us know what's said if you're so inclined. One thing I'd be concerned with though is if you're told something by the psychic and then start acting in ways to fulfill what you've been told, which are contrary to what you would've done had you not had a discussion with the psychic.

[marqueemoon4]

Readings by xxxxxxx

 

specializing in Psychic Reading

 

LOOK NO FURTHER- you have found the right psychic and advisor to help you with all of your problems! For over 25yrs, Miss xxxxx has been doing tarot card readings, psychic readings and past life readings. She will advise you with love, business, marriage, financial situations and all other personal problems.

 

ALL READINGS FOR $10.00

 

I've lived in my condo for 8yrs.. never once has a psychic left anything on my door.

[marqueemoon4]

So I called.. Miss xxxxx answered.. and it turns out its PALM readings that are $10. Tarot card readings are $35. What a great deal, lol. I'll pass.

Edited August 21, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

ok well I drop my son off at 6pm tonite.. I've had him since wednesday and I'm worn out. my goal for today is to give her the check for $42 smile and leave. baby steps.

 

no questions about "do you really think I was trying to short you $21?", no questions about ANYTHING. she has been "out of town" since thursday.. I would guess with OM and I would guess at the beach. im sure she had a great time and will be on an emotional high. i'm guessing she's dreading seeing me just as I am her.

Edited August 21, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

I make my exW feel blamed, controlled, and criticized. This is how I make her feel. I don't want to make anyone feel this way, I don't. I want my family back, and do anything in the world to get it back but ITS NOT UP TO ME. I want to grow, I want to become a BETTER PERSON. I want to make people happy, thats what makes me happy. I love learning from other people and connecting with them. This is what gets me through the day. I am disconnected from everything and everyone right now.. and in grave financial danger. How do I dig myself out? I know in my mind I'll never get another chance to have a real family. This hurts so bad.

[LifesontheUp]

Hello MM4. You've got to let her go, for your own health and sanity.

 

I remember saying to my friends, I'll never meet anyone, I'll be on my own forever, nobody will want me blah blah blah. You know what? someone did and we have a family together. Does happen MM4, when you least expect it. But you first you have to let your xW go and heal and repair yourself.

[andyg99]

 

no questions about "do you really think I was trying to short you $21?", no questions about ANYTHING. she has been "out of town" since thursday.. I would guess with OM and I would guess at the beach. im sure she had a great time and will be on an emotional high. i'm guessing she's dreading seeing me just as I am her.

 

you have mentioned that you have family and friends near by... ask one of them to do the drop off/pick up.... I think the mere fact that you are dreading seeing her (you have no idea how she feels) is an indication that your plan to hand her the money and smile might blow up into a fight... Seriously, you can use a third party until you truly feel ok with seeing her. In the first few weeks after my breakup I dropped off my kids and picked them up at my in-laws... I didn't have to see her and eventually as things calmed down we did it face-to-face with no issues....

[marqueemoon4]

you have mentioned that you have family and friends near by... ask one of them to do the drop off/pick up.... I think the mere fact that you are dreading seeing her (you have no idea how she feels) is an indication that your plan to hand her the money and smile might blow up into a fight... Seriously, you can use a third party until you truly feel ok with seeing her. In the first few weeks after my breakup I dropped off my kids and picked them up at my in-laws... I didn't have to see her and eventually as things calmed down we did it face-to-face with no issues....

 

Andy.. if I hand her the check and leave there will be no fight. I don't think she has started any fights since she left. Not one. She is a incredible at LC/NC. I'm matched up against someone who does not care AT ALL. Fights only occur when I try to talk to her about anything except our son. So, if I can keep my fat mouth shut, give her the check and get out of there, nothing will happen.

 

Actually, now that I think about it.. she has started some fights via text after I dropped him off saying he's sick/not feeling well... interrogating me and implying that I didn't take good care of him. This has happened a few times but not recently.

Edited August 21, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

My son was hungry and wanted some lunch. He said he wanted to goto Wegmans (grocery store). This is in the same towncenter that exW works (10 minutes from my place), but she was out of town so I thought it would be safe to go there. Plus they have a particular wine (Tempranillo!!!!!) I wanted to pick up.

 

We're at the sub counter and I had ordered my son a kids meal. He wanted doritos but chips don't come with the kids meal, sliced apples do and I'm trying to get him to eat more fruit/vegetables. He starts crying and melting down that he wants chips. I'm trying to order my sub, the girl behind the counter seems annoyed and can't hear me. I bend down to his level and ask him to please stop, and that it comes with apples and animal crackers instead which he likes. He continues to cry and whine. I might add this is the first time he's cried since wednesday when I got him.

 

I look to my left and sure enough here comes his mother with a shopping cart. She sees him crying and looks all concerned. She walks up and I'm like "he's upset because chips don't come with the kids meal". She hugs him and is consoling him, she looks at me and says I usually get him chips too. So I got him chips and she left to do her shopping. Thankfully that was the last I saw of her.

 

To make things even stranger, I'm in the wine section and someone calls my name. Its a woman I worked with at my last job.. I had a crush on her for a minute.. but she is even younger than my exW, has a 5yr old daughter and a boyfriend. Oh, and she wasn't interested in me at all, lol. I hadn't seen her since I was let go. We had a quick chat and her bf walked up and said hello. I grabbed my wine and we got out of there.

 

ugh.

Edited August 21, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

dropped of son after having him since wednesday night.. he cried and cried hugging my legs saying over "but dadas I REALLY LIKE YOU and I want to stay with you!!" I kept saying buddy I'll see you very soon, go see your mommy she missed you!" He kept crying and saying he didn't want to go. She finally called him over and was walking around her car to put him in the seat and I was walking back to my car. He said "I want one more hug!"

 

she said ok and called me back to give him one more hug while she held him. I told him I'd see him soon and I loved him. I got in my car and left-- emotionless.