dreamingoftigers Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 End of the rough day and you handled it super, super well! The first and second days are the hardest. After that it gets better. Have you ever lifted weights? When you start, right after the first workout you are sore as Hell, a lot of people give up in the first couple of workouts because they think it will always be like that. After those two you don't notice the changes right away. But give it six weeks and not only are you not sore, but you are stronger and honestly happier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 thanks Dot.. I feel like I did good. I'm not letting this hurt me anymore. My relationship with my son is very strong and that's all that matters. Also gave her the check for $42.. hope she doesn't spend it all in one place. My son was also rockin the sweet new shoes I bought him. Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I make my exW feel blamed, controlled, and criticized. This is how I make her feel. I don't want to make anyone feel this way, I don't. I want my family back, and do anything in the world to get it back but ITS NOT UP TO ME. I want to grow, I want to become a BETTER PERSON. I want to make people happy, thats what makes me happy. I love learning from other people and connecting with them. This is what gets me through the day. I am disconnected from everything and everyone right now.. and in grave financial danger. How do I dig myself out? I know in my mind I'll never get another chance to have a real family. This hurts so bad. Once again dude, we are in the VERY same boat, even the finincial part. If you ever want to chat send me a IM. I see the same emotions in you as I have. sucks to be us! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Pm'ed you Troy Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Once again dude, we are in the VERY same boat, even the finincial part. If you ever want to chat send me a IM. I see the same emotions in you as I have. sucks to be us! soon you both will find you have amazing lives, amazing kids and are better off without the ex.... Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 soon you both will find you have amazing lives, amazing kids and are better off without the ex.... amazing kids yes.....It's the better off part I'm struggling with. Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 You know what really pisses me off, I've always been the one that people would rally around in a crisis or whatever. I always felt I could handle any situation until this divorce **** started. Why can't I just get the hell over it, she's only human right? I feel pissed, sad, happy, hopefull and hopeless all at the same time. I'm even tired of myself already!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 You know what really pisses me off, I've always been the one that people would rally around in a crisis or whatever. I always felt I could handle any situation until this divorce **** started. Same here. All sorts of things have happened over the years and I've handled my own problems as well us other peoples. I am calm in a crisis and can see through to the root cause and advise people appropriately. Family (hers & mine) and friends actively seek me out for help on all sorts of things, if i don't know the answer i can at least point them in the right direct. The funny thing is when my stbxw told me she chooses scumbag over me, I said to her that she has really, really ****ed up here and its a decision she has made that i just cannot help her with, it is solely her decision and she will have to pay the consequences. I dont think she will ever appreciate me or what I done for her as I dont think she has that ability in her. Same as when she hits the consequences of her actions, they are all "my fault" etc. Why can't I just get the hell over it, she's only human right? I feel pissed, sad, happy, hopefull and hopeless all at the same time. I'm even tired of myself already!!! Takes time. Hating the roller coaster too. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 A lot of the walkaway spouses can't see beyond themselves period. They just see, "ouch you hurt me." they don't see you hurting in return. In fact if they see it, oftentimes it bothers them because they feel "guilty." Sometimes is angers them, like, "this is what you get for not letting me have the remote during the Superbowl that time, you sonofabitch." :facepalm: How did we miss this before getting married? Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 I gave you a call on Friday night MM4 - sorry we didn't get a chance to chat. Wanted to give you a pep talk. Hope you are hanging in there man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 (edited) I gave you a call on Friday night MM4 - sorry we didn't get a chance to chat. Wanted to give you a pep talk. Hope you are hanging in there man. I am.. sorry I missed your call. Only person who is gonna pull me out of this mess I'm in is me. Doesn't matter whose "fault" it is or how it happened, all that matters is I need to rise above it and get back to leading a healthy, productive life for me and my son. after that everything else will fall into place. exWs opinions of me are completely irrelevant and wrong.. she can believe whatever the hell she wants. Edited August 22, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 No problem, stay strong brother! You are right, you are in control over your own mental state. You will get through this s***. Her words about you are completely worthless, you've got that right! Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I spoke with MM4 today, as he was talking I knew what he would say next. It's so crazy how his X did so many of the same things mine did. I can tell you this, he's a caring guy and his X is worse off without him. Keep your head up bro! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 LOL, I talked with him too. Does he have good stock tips or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 everyone is buying??? then sell sell sell! Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I can tell you this, he's a caring guy and his X is worse off without him. for mm's sake he only needs to know that HE is better off without HER... any focus on how she is doing is a step in the wrong direction.... Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 everyone is buying??? then sell sell sell! I'm out, no more to sell! She took care of that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 I woke up this morning.. alone again. No job to go to. Mortgage unpaid, money almost gone. I just started crying.. not feeling sorry for myself but I can't believe I'm in this situation. I have to honest with myself.. I AM jealous of OM. He is waking up with the woman I want to be with and my son. He has what I want, he has my family. He doesn't deserve it. My wife and child were everything to me and I BLEW IT. I deserve a second chance and I KNOW THINGS WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT but my sons mother doesn't care. She doesn't care if anything between us is ever resolved. Is this karma destroying me? Do I deserve this? I thought after 8yrs of doing so much for her there was no way she could ever treat me this way, ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Ahhh... mm4, I'm sorry man. Your situation WILL improve, it will take a little time but you will be back on track if you don't give up. I know you won't! Those feelings about OM and your ex will pass. Don't forget how she DISSED you. She is certainly not some one who deserves you missing her. I really don't know what else to see, I feel bad seeing you on this rollercoaster. You need to get off of it, do your own thing and continue on. Wishing you the best my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 My wife and child were everything to me and I BLEW IT. NO. *She* blew it. She was on a collision course to end your marriage, and that was out of your hands. Don't be hard on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 I underestimated her ability to leave and never come back. I will never have a real family. That was my dream. I did blow it. You all are awesome trying to make me feel better but that's the plain truth. My son will never have a real family, just this blended family nonsense and its going to f him up badly. I know it is. The rest of my life is going to be pain and dysfunctionality. Anything else is fooling myself. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I underestimated her ability to leave and never come back. I will never have a real family. That was my dream. I did blow it. You all are awesome trying to make me feel better but that's the plain truth. My son will never have a real family, just this blended family nonsense and its going to f him up badly. I know it is. The rest of my life is going to be pain and dysfunctionality. Anything else is fooling myself. I know it's hard to see past this. The financial crap on top of everything else makes it that much worse, but, believe me, it DOES get better. I was right where you were 6 months ago. I was living with my parents, she was with OM and my kids, I was lonely, hurting and crushed by circumstances. It was hard, but I had to use that anger and depression to kick myself in the a$$ and get my life back together. I started going out with the few non-married friends I had, getting back into hobbies, rock climbing, kayaking, skydiving, etc. and made NEW friends. Single, young, motivated friends...male and female. I finally moved out of my parents place, which helped a lot. I'm living VERY frugally right now, turning off the water heater between showers, taking my trash to the dumpster at work instead of paying for trash service, eating LOTS of rice & beans, etc. I'm barely keeping up with the bills, but, am taking every sideline job I can to help out (selling stuff on eBay for friends, working some shifts at a friend's bar, packing parachutes at the drop zone, etc.). So, now, 6 months later, life is going fantastic. I wouldn't have thought it was possible back then. Finances are still tight, but I'm squeaking by. I'm busier than ever with friends, hobbies and work. I've got more exciting things happening every day and more opportunities, with activities, friends, women, etc. than I've had in YEARS! As far as the family goes. I still miss the "normal" family structure we had, but, I feel that I'm closer with my kids than ever. I treasure every minute that I have with them and make the most of it. I don't yell or get frustrated with them anymore. I spend more time lying on the floor and rolling around with them, playing "tickle monster," cars, Barbi's or whatever they want to do. I draw pictures with my daughter every night...because we can. Because there's no one else there telling me what I have to do or stepping in when I'm doing things my way. I grew up with divorced parents and I never saw it as a negative thing. I have an incredible relationship with my mom and dad and, have great step-parents as well who love me as if I were their own. They've ALL been incredibly supportive through all of this...as have my stbx's family. I miss the comfort in the relationship that I had built with my stbx. I miss the understanding of each other that we had built in the 10 years we were together. I DON'T miss her constant questioning of my decisions, her input, her frustrations, insecurities, needs, etc. I don't miss getting frustrated or walking on eggshells. I don't miss having to pick up on her signals when we're out so that we don't stay too long, act inappropriately, etc. It does get better...it will improve...YOU have to take every step you can to make SURE that happens... YOU control your happiness...no one else... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Also, don't forget, SHE has given you the opportunity to learn from this, to improve yourself, to appreciate the NEXT relationship that comes along, to figure out what you REALLY need to truly love someone and be in a truly healthy relationship. You will come out of this a better, wiser person...she has jumped right into another relationship, with another guy and she won't change at all...how long until she decides that he isn't what she wants either? No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. It often takes 6 months to a year to figure out who a person is and to start see the reality of their personality. I see that in my stbx's relationship with OM. The honeymoon is over...she's right back where she was with me, except they don't have the shared experience of the kids being theirs to hinge the relationship on. Add to that the fact that he's still married, has his own kids, a job that doesn't afford him much flexibility and she's suddenly more on her own than she ever planned to be now that his interest is fading and the sex alone isn't enough to keep him coming over every day... Forget her...as much as you can...she doesn't deserve another moment of your thought. Focus on YOU and your kid...Get out there, beat the streets, get a job, ANY job for now. Keep busy, find some hobbies, make new friends. Get out there and live!! Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 she traded up. she believes she's in a way better place than she was in May 10 and may be right. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 she traded up. she believes she's in a way better place than she was in May 10 and may be right. Nonsense. If you truly LOVE somebody, the thought of "trading up" is irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
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