Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Nonsense. If you truly LOVE somebody, the thought of "trading up" is irrelevant. I believe that to be true in my experience.. but apparently my behavior and the way I am/was made her numb to me and she fell out of love with me. I think thats both of our fault but my aggressive, nasty behavior and being unable to deal with the situation in a mature, non angry way sealed it for life. THATS ON ME, NO ONE ELSE. This is karma ruining me. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 MM4: I sometimes feel the same way about myself and my situation (karma biting me). But ask yourself - what's the price you have to pay? what's the statute of limitations on not being forgiven and having redemption? ya know? In other words, you have to forgive yourself for your own wrongs. If you don't, you will be in a self-inflicted hell for the duration of your life. You don't deserve that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 MM4: I sometimes feel the same way about myself and my situation (karma biting me). But ask yourself - what's the price you have to pay? what's the statute of limitations on not being forgiven and having redemption? ya know? In other words, you have to forgive yourself for your own wrongs. If you don't, you will be in a self-inflicted hell for the duration of your life. You don't deserve that. dude.. with the exception of LS I'm a f-in leper. I'm a cautionary tale on what NOT TO DO. I can forgive myself all day and night but for whatever reasons other people want to have nothing to do with me. my "friends" I've had for decades, long gone. everything is gone. there is no way to be "happy" under these circumstances. my son is the one bright spot of my life and barely get to see him. great, other people have it worse, and other people have it way better too. i'm a good father and my sons mother thinks she is more important than me to him and that is completely untrue.. but because she feels this way I'll never get the equal time with him I deserve. you know how f-ed up that is because you're going through something similar. people like debtman and others who are so much happier now because of their separation/divorce, I applaud you. great job. maybe I AM weak and maybe I'm not worthy of anyones love. who knows at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 maybe I AM weak and maybe I'm not worthy of anyones love. You're understandably weak right now because of the trauma. You've been strong before and will be strong again. And you are always worthy of someone's love. ALWAYS. Don't get all self-loath-y on me, bro. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 You are beating yourself down for no reason. Realize that this is a process and you will come out the other end. That's a guarantee. One day I know it will hit you like a ton of bricks "why was I sweating that psychopath?!?" She has done you a favor man. So what, your "ideal" life or what you imagined it would be is not panning out currently. The truth is one day you will find a much better person to share your life with and you will be truly happy again. She clearly wasn't "the one", on to the next, on to a better life. The pieces of the puzzle will come together. Keep your head held high man. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 people like debtman and others who are so much happier now because of their separation/divorce, I applaud you. great job. maybe I AM weak and maybe I'm not worthy of anyones love. who knows at this point. It wasn't always that way...I was RIGHT where you were 6 months ago. It's not a matter of being weak or not, or being worthy or not. It's the fact that you've had your life and family ripped away. Everything that you thought was stable and solid in your life is gone...but YOU can put that back together. The way to do that is to go confidently back out into the world and TAKE your life back. Don't let that bitch get away with what she did to you. Go out and prove to yourself that you're better off...you can re-build...you DON'T need her (and believe me, you don't). Hardest thing you'll ever do, it won't come easy, there will be ups and downs...big ones...but, you can do it. You NEED to do it. Not just for yourself, but for your son. The best thing you can do for yourself and him is to grab your confidence and go make the most of this...it's all on you... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 DC area people... did you guys feel the earthquake? We just felt an aftershock all the way in New York! Yikes! Hope every one is okay, just a minor one. Anyway.. sorry for the TJ. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I'm working off-site in Frederick, Md this week and all the cubicles were shaking...no damage...crazy though... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 yea we did.. I'm in the DC area and it rumbled for like 30-40 seconds.... 5.9 on the richter scale.. crazy! Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I am near va beach virginia in walmart watching **** fall off shelves was pretty funny Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Let this put life in perspective. Things could be worse! We are all safe and alive! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Let this put life in perspective. Things could be worse! We are all safe and alive! no question things can always be worse Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I have to honest with myself.. I AM jealous of OM. He is waking up with the woman I want to be with and my son. He has what I want, he has my family. He doesn't deserve it. My wife and child were everything to me and I BLEW IT. I deserve a second chance and I KNOW THINGS WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT but my sons mother doesn't care. She doesn't care if anything between us is ever resolved. . this is why journaling things is so important - you are doing your journaling right here. You just said above that she is the woman you want to be with. Read through your posts again. Everything you have journaled here should be telling you that SHE is no where near the woman you should want to be with. READ YOUR OWN WORDS! Trust me that last thing you should want is a second chance with her! Give yourself and your son a chance! Right now you two ARE your family! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I believe that to be true in my experience.. but apparently my behavior and the way I am/was made her numb to me and she fell out of love with me. I think thats both of our fault but my aggressive, nasty behavior and being unable to deal with the situation in a mature, non angry way sealed it for life. THATS ON ME, NO ONE ELSE. This is karma ruining me. Okay, yes. You have had some pretty poor communication patterns and your fuse may have been short (that I cannot attest to and not many of us get longer fuses when we go through a divorce). You cannot undo any of that now. It's sad because that means the past is sealed BUT it is happy because that means you don't have to be owned by it either. When the focus came off of her, you are going to see the light shine down on your faults. It sucks and it is uncomfortable and can even feel pretty devastating. BUT it doesn't have to own you or decide what you do next. You don't have to live with those patterns and you can look towards the future as having opportunities to remake your identity to be one that you would rather have. You are completely free to make the life and connections you want without having those patterns and behaviors threaten them again: if you choose. This actually puts you in a much better place then not being aware of your own issues at all and either isolating yourself or trainwrecking relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I woke up this morning.. alone again. No job to go to. Mortgage unpaid, money almost gone. I just started crying.. not feeling sorry for myself but I can't believe I'm in this situation. I have to honest with myself.. I AM jealous of OM. He is waking up with the woman I want to be with and my son. He has what I want, he has my family. He doesn't deserve it. My wife and child were everything to me and I BLEW IT. I deserve a second chance and I KNOW THINGS WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT but my sons mother doesn't care. She doesn't care if anything between us is ever resolved. Is this karma destroying me? Do I deserve this? I thought after 8yrs of doing so much for her there was no way she could ever treat me this way, ever. And there's all the feelings you've been avoiding for at least nine months by focusing being pissed off or depressed because of her ^^^^ Not trying to be rude in any way. It's just kind of how us humans work. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 dude.. with the exception of LS I'm a f-in leper. I'm a cautionary tale on what NOT TO DO. I can forgive myself all day and night but for whatever reasons other people want to have nothing to do with me. my "friends" I've had for decades, long gone. everything is gone. there is no way to be "happy" under these circumstances. my son is the one bright spot of my life and barely get to see him. great, other people have it worse, and other people have it way better too. i'm a good father and my sons mother thinks she is more important than me to him and that is completely untrue.. but because she feels this way I'll never get the equal time with him I deserve. you know how f-ed up that is because you're going through something similar. people like debtman and others who are so much happier now because of their separation/divorce, I applaud you. great job. maybe I AM weak and maybe I'm not worthy of anyones love. who knows at this point. Not to dismiss your feelings and pain in any way. These are the perfect circumstances in which to learn HOW to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I read more than I post, but there are 2 things that I have read that have helped me immensely. I cannot even remember who said them...someone like Debtman, Stonecold, Owl...those people I read and think how mature (not age wise) and reasonable they are. Those two things are this: 1. They took 50% responsibility in the problems in their marriage, but it was up to the other person to take 100% responsibility for doing the things they did to break up the marriage, such as infidelity. They make that decision all on their own. 2. S/he thought my love and care was need, but s/he does not know was true love is. True love is a decision, not an emotion. I think we all make decisions about what we want to do and when people willingly make a decision to turn to another person and to not have the integrity to tell their spouse that they do not want them anymore instead of betraying them, they can have all of the money in the world, but they are not an "upgrade". Believe me, gentlemen, there are many women in this world who value honestly and integrity over an "upgraded status". Many of my friends would say this in a heartbeat. None of us is perfect in our relationships. Do not blame yourself for a decision she made. She could have said she did not want to stay with you at any time before a betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 And there's all the feelings you've been avoiding for at least nine months by focusing being pissed off or depressed because of her ^^^^ I believe the following: "Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you can not bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain." - Kahlil Gibran Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 this is why journaling things is so important - you are doing your journaling right here. You just said above that she is the woman you want to be with. Read through your posts again. Everything you have journaled here should be telling you that SHE is no where near the woman you should want to be with. READ YOUR OWN WORDS! Trust me that last thing you should want is a second chance with her! Give yourself and your son a chance! Right now you two ARE your family! Great post. OP you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Excellent advice in here mm4. It's GOOD to take responsibility for your share of the state of the RELATIONSHIP. But DON'T blame yourself for the END of the relationship. That's NOT your fault, that was her decision. Taking responsibility for your part in the relationship is how you will learn and grow. Use that to avoid those pitfalls in your next relationship. When I was married, had a huge list of things I needed to take care of around the house and with the kids, knowing that I was on deadlines for these things and that I would have to deal with a po'd wife if I didn't do everything right, I would get frustrated a lot. When I was with the kids and they would spill something or cause some chaos, I would yell about it and get mad. Going through this has taught me so much about myself, about relationships, about time, about being a parent...now, when my kids spill something or make a mess I don't get frustrated...at all...it sometimes shocks me because my first reaction is to yell, but I look at them and know that it was an accident and now, I get to teach them how to clean things up. It's a game now. It's an opportunity. It's enjoying EVERY moment, no matter how counter-intuitive it may be. I still get frustrated about finances, not being able to take my kids to do things, not being able to buy things they ask for, but, now, when my son asks if he can have the webkinz like his friend at school I give him a big hug and tell him we'll put it on a list for his birthday and, when his birthday is getting close, we'll go through the list and figure out which thing he really wants the most. I know how crappy it is right now and I'm not trying to tell you to "get over it" because you have to go through the stages in order to recover. I'm just saying, it's not over. It WILL get better. You WILL come out of this a better person. You WILL find someone else, someday, when you're REALLY ready. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 MM4, sometimes when we are away from someone who has been extremely important in our lives, our minds start to forget the bad things that have happened and focus on the good. It seems that the good ends up coming to the forefront even if the bad outweighed the good. I suggest keeping your eye on the big picture here and realize that she did you a HUGE favour. How many more years did you want to lose by being with someone like her? I agree with the poster who said to reread your own words regarding your thoughts and feelings about her. I'm sure some of that was out of anger (understandable) BUT I'm sure it came from a place of truth... Read it again. You WILL get through this. I can see your your progress in processing it all even if you don't. TC Lexy Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Furthermore, Often we are under the mistaken belief that if we admit our own wrongdoing that somehow we have given the other person the upper hand and the excuse to treat us how they wanted. This is far from the truth. Admitting and resolving the patterns and behaviours that harm our relationships frees us from them. There is little point defending oneself against what we all know is wrong. Just because the other side doesn't admit to their culpability does not mean that they got it "righter." Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted August 24, 2011 Author Share Posted August 24, 2011 thank you everyone for the great advice... I'm getting a little upset with myself that I'm still letting this get to me. There is so much I need to focus on other than someone who has been out of my life for 15 mos. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 thank you everyone for the great advice... I'm getting a little upset with myself that I'm still letting this get to me. There is so much I need to focus on other than someone who has been out of my life for 15 mos. you are 100% correct... you have plenty of your plate that you HAVE to focus on now... your son and finding a job are the two biggest things that come to mind... Of course nobody here wants to see you beat yourself up and it has been said many times (even by me) that eventually things start to get better (and they will) but start doing something about it NOW! There is a sense of urgency here: your son. He needs to see a dad who is on the ball, taking care of business - he needs to see the real you now! Do one thing tomorrow, whatever that is, that will get you out of this funk, the next day do one more thing - do that every day and in 2 weeks from now you'll be amazed at what you accomplished.... of course you'll take a step backwards every now and then but your time is NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 24, 2011 Share Posted August 24, 2011 Even if you are just improving things 1% per week. That's what my aim is. In two years my life should be perfect.:laugh: Even if my life isn't ideal, it would be better then where I am now. Link to post Share on other sites
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