How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[Steen719]

ok, let me amend that, in my situation I am the stupid loser, 16 yrs from now if I'm still alive I'll still be working and paying, my ex will still be not working and living comfortably,he has & will continue to enjoy a good life. He is the winner any way you care to slice it, he bested me beautifully.

 

Really, I understand what she is saying. I am keeping my fingers crossed that my STBXH will honor what he has said he will do and not ask for alimony. He is a taker, too. He has given some in the marriage, but I have, by far, given more and am leaving with less than he is. I am trying to be fair, but also, if he gets more "stuff", I don't have to pay alimony. I do not want to have to pay him anything. I will have less than what I had when I met him...well except for the nice HVP virus he gave me and he did "give" me my son. Now, I wouldn't take all the money in the world for my son, but I would have been happier without the virus and the resulting hysterectomy and would be very bitter if I had to pay the POS, especially if I had to pay him more than I netted. Geez! My s-i-l wired me money to pay for the divorce and I took it out of the account. H wanted to know how I was paying and actually said you took that out of our account so half is mine. Good God almighty! Tuesday, we go separate our accounts. I haven't done it yet because I was afraid he would not give me money to pay house and bills, but I'll have to take that chance. If I ever get out of this, I will never do again, so I understand soserious; I really do, and I do not think it is fair:sick:.

[soserious1]

Steen,

 

I'm actually okay in that I've been able, at least in part to intellectualize my experience, I really don't blame the courts nor my ex at this point, responsibility for looking out for me ultimately rests on my shoulders, I dropped the ball miserably in my choice of a marital partner, a mistake I won't repeat again.

 

I wish you well in your journey I will issue this caution to you, "I won't ask for alimony" is a common phrase uttered in these situations, that very often changes once they've gotten their own lawyer, don't bank on it & don't give him anything till you've hammered out an agreement and it's been signed.

[Steen719]

Steen,

I wish you well in your journey I will issue this caution to you, "I won't ask for alimony" is a common phrase uttered in these situations, that very often changes once they've gotten their own lawyer, don't bank on it & don't give him anything till you've hammered out an agreement and it's been signed.

 

Well, the one good thing about being so damn broke is that he has no money for an attorney and I have filled out the paperwork through an attorney service who does not charge a lot. He has agreed to all of it and so I plan to tweak it and it will then go online to the attorney. I did not mention this part before, but I have him on my health insurance and he needs it until he is on Medicare, which is Nov. 2012. I agreed to ask the court (which is what OPM said to do) to keep him on it until Feb. 1st, 2013 to allow him time to start Medicare in Nov. 2012 and to choose a medigap plan (open season is January through March) by Feb. 1st 2013and I do not have to pay any medical/dental bills that are generated after the day of divorce (of course, I am still helping with the ones that are accumulated). He needs the medical insurance and would be in a world of hurt without it, so this has given me leverage I would not otherwise have. I hate this.

[marqueemoon4]

If marriage is considered a "business transaction" by most, which is absolutely pathetic I might add, my God what a horrible, horrible investment I made. I supported some flunky woman with absolutely nothing, never has supported herself for 30 seconds, comes from a broke, broken home of uneducated fools who define mediocrity. I dumped tens of thousands of dollars into this person trying to help her better herself, never got **** in return, except a child that she conveniently tried to take away from me, even after I afforded this ingrate the luxury of being a stay at home mother for THREE YEARS, and now I have to sit back as my son is raised at some dirtbags home that she is running game on and sponging off of. Oh, and so far I'd say I'm about $20k down and still owe about another $10k, lost my job, my friends, the respect of my family, and most importantly, my confidence. Ever letting this piece of trash into my life?

 

Worst. Decision. Ever.

Edited September 3, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[soserious1]

If marriage is considered a "business transaction" by most, which is absolutely pathetic I might add, my God what a horrible, horrible investment I made. I supported some flunky woman with absolutely nothing, never has supported herself for 30 seconds, comes from a broke, broken home of uneducated fools who define mediocrity. I dumped tens of thousands of dollars into this person trying to help her better herself, never got **** in return, except a child that she conveniently tried to take away from me, even after I afforded this ingrate the luxury of being a stay at home mother for THREE YEARS, and now I have to sit back as my son is raised at some dirtbags home that she is running game on and sponging off of. Oh, and so far I'd say I'm about $20k down and still owe about another $10k, lost my job, my friends, the respect of my family, and most importantly, my confidence. Ever letting this piece of trash into my life?

 

Worst. Decision. Ever.

 

Marriage has always been about power. land, assets this business of marriage for love is a relatively recent phenomenon.

 

Focusing on why I dropped the ball in terms of looking out for myself is proving a lot more useful to me than excoriating my ex post divorce. Facts are facts & the reality is, my ex and yours did a better job looking out for their interests than we did in looking out for ours.

 

Now what need in our was served by choosing these people as marital partners? why didn't we do a better job of protecting ourselves, emotionally & fiscally?

Edited September 3, 2011 by soserious1

[andyg99]

comments in BOLD

 

If marriage is considered a "business transaction" by most, which is absolutely pathetic I might add, my God what a horrible, horrible investment I made. I supported some flunky woman with absolutely nothing, never has supported herself for 30 seconds, comes from a broke, broken home of uneducated fools who define mediocrity. I dumped tens of thousands of dollars into this person trying to help her better herself, never got **** in return,

 

anytime you get that "I want my family back" feeling read the above over and over

 

except a child that she conveniently tried to take away from me, even after I afforded this ingrate the luxury of being a stay at home mother for THREE YEARS, and now I have to sit back as my son is raised at some dirtbags home that she is running game on and sponging off of.

 

this is your reality, it's not what you signed up for but you need to really let her go...

 

Oh, and so far I'd say I'm about $20k down and still owe about another $10k, lost my job, my friends, the respect of my family, and most importantly, my confidence. Ever letting this piece of trash into my life?

 

money can be made again... losing a job is difficult, I'm sure it was like salt on the wounds... you lost friends because of this? then they were never truly friends... respect from the family? are you sure? is it that you just see it that way?... confidence - rebuild it!

 

Worst. Decision. Ever.

 

hen start making better decisions starting NOW. Why do I keep telling you the same stuff over and over? because I was you 16 years ago... I was hurt and bitter and broke and lost. Then one day a friend who was always there for me said flat out - "enough is enough, stop the whining, it's been 6 months, you need to let her go and be a dad to those kids of yours" at first my reaction was the usual "you don't know what it is like, this is unfair..." and then a few days later I got it, and I never looked back since. Sure I have said not so nice things about her since but from that point on I never let her stop me from doing what I needed to do...

 

So I'm going to say to you what needs to be said now: Let her go. Let her have her life with her new man. Stop blaming her. Every ounce of energy you waste on her is time taken away from the things you REALLY need to do. Pray that your ex and her man are good to your boy when he is with them. It's understandable to bash the OM early on, heck maybe it's good therapy but stop the name calling already. He is a big part of your boys life and since he's still around there is a chance he'll be around for a while.

 

You have been apart from your ex for over a year now. Your time is now. Don't waste another second - your boy needs his dad, he needs him at 100%.

 

 

 

 

[marqueemoon4]

I'm not BLAMING her. But I would NOT be in this horrible position if not for this divorce. Stop calling the OM names? If the shoe fits.. I am there for my son 100%. He is with me this weekend and I always put him first. Chalk it up to life is unfair, huh? Its especially unfair when you get played by some callous woman who straight up USED me. I know you like to sum up things in a tidy little package, and I understand you went through something similar, but maybe you've forgotten the devastation? I don't know. Maybe you're just a better man than me.

[andyg99]

I'm not BLAMING her. But I would NOT be in this horrible position if not for this divorce. Stop calling the OM names? If the shoe fits.. I am there for my son 100%. He is with me this weekend and I always put him first. Chalk it up to life is unfair, huh? Its especially unfair when you get played by some callous woman who straight up USED me. I know you like to sum up things in a tidy little package, and I understand you went through something similar, but maybe you've forgotten the devastation? I don't know. Maybe you're just a better man than me.

 

no - I am not a better man... I have not forgotten the pain either, the thing I am trying to convey is that the pain starts to end when you make the decision to move forward... I never said any of this is going to be easy, and it does pain me to read the stories here... I try to give a message of hope, I want people to know that you can and will do better but you need to work it, it's like losing weight I guess, you exercise and diet but it doesn't all come off after one day... if you keep working it 6 months later you find yourself down 50 lbs!

[marqueemoon4]

Your message is always appreciated my friend.. I hope to be as mentally strong as you someday.

[LifesontheUp]

no - I am not a better man... I have not forgotten the pain either, the thing I am trying to convey is that the pain starts to end when you make the decision to move forward... I never said any of this is going to be easy, and it does pain me to read the stories here... I try to give a message of hope, I want people to know that you can and will do better but you need to work it, it's like losing weight I guess, you exercise and diet but it doesn't all come off after one day... if you keep working it 6 months later you find yourself down 50 lbs!

 

MM4 - andyg99 is right ^^^^^

 

You need to, for your own and childs sake let go of your ex. Its not healthy for you. There is hope, there are many that get through this, you just need to get into the frame of mind that you can. If you continue to dwell and wallow in it, then you will not get better I'm afraid.

[marqueemoon4]

Please give me your definition of letting go of my ex exactly means? And something other than "moving on"

[visualbasicide]

The best description I can give is accepting that your ex is not in your life anymore and pushing on ahead without them. Emotionally there isn't really a hard and fast rule as to how long this takes.

 

It usually involves all the stages of grief, though you will go back and forth over the lines of each one that you will all but rub them out.

www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

 

Seemingly at random too. Distract yourself with hobbies, start planning out what you are going to do with your life, simply because we all need some goals and direction to keep us moving forward.

 

One day, you might be perfectly ok, next day, maybe not, but the ebb and flow of it will eventually even out to where you have more good days than bad. Just keep on keeping on really. The rest will come in time.

[marqueemoon4]

What I'm going to do with my life? Well let's see.. spend a lousy 30% of time with my son, be stuck in an area I can't stand because my ex is a yokel and will never leave here, be on the hook for hundreds of dollars a month until my son is 18, watch my son grow up and be influenced by people I despise, meet some other bloodsucker chick who is dressed in sheeps clothing and has the same mentality that relationships are all about what you can take from people.. wow, the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades.

[visualbasicide]

lol. nice. I like to think of myself as a hopeful cynic, so I really do appreciate your take on the situation. The biggest deal will be setting a good example for your child. I understand others will be a negative influence on him, so you will have to set one hell of an example. Sadly when I had to face this, the child was my step daughter so my rights amounted to squat. Didn't even get to say goodbye. I had (and have) the same worries about the influences in her life and how that will all play out. Unlike you, I can do nothing to change it.

 

Write down all your negative thoughts somewhere. Journal here, keep one at home, both, etc. Get rest, decent food and exercise. It will help clear the cobwebs in the attic of the mind.

 

Focus on your career, or school, grants, loans, what have you, if you can. Self improvement is really key to getting past this. The better YOU are, the more likely you will avoid the mutant women.

 

Get a hobby. Fishing? Art? Music? who knows. pick something you would like to do and explore it. Doesn't have to be anything extravagant. Mine was the guitar. Always wanted to learn, never spent the time to do it. Since I ended up with plenty of personal time I took the opportunity to start learning.

 

The better you prepare your future self, the happier you will be when you get to meet him. Just try not to let the bitterness stay on top for too long. I know it comes and goes (mine really doesn't go to far) but I know deep down I don't want to be a bitter person. Just work on you one day at a time, even if you only manage a little each day. It will eventually start looking up for you.

 

If this is recent, don't bring anyone else into your life. It isn't fair to you or them if all they are is a crutch.

[Lexygirl]

MM4 I am sorry this process is so painful for you.

 

I think the key is pulling the YOU out of yourself that was there before you even met her. On a good day, think about this really hard. Write it down if you have to... entitle it...

The ME Within

 

Also, I agree with posters who have said that you need to be the best influence for your son that you can be in spite of any other negative influences.... Trust me... a child can flourish by having one VERY solid influence even if there is bad any other part of their lives.. It's true !

 

One day at a time, MM4. One day at a time.

[marqueemoon4]

I play the guitar every day. I look the best I have in 10yrs. People can stop.saying be a.good influence to my son because that's a given. Career? Well I lost a great job because of this nightmare, hopefully I'll find something else soon, as there is plenty more I stand to lose. All because I procreated with some common, two faced low class skank. And guess what? That's about all that is around here.

[LifesontheUp]

I play the guitar every day. I look the best I have in 10yrs. People can stop.saying be a.good influence to my son because that's a given. Career? Well I lost a great job because of this nightmare, hopefully I'll find something else soon, as there is plenty more I stand to lose. All because I procreated with some common, two faced low class skank. And guess what? That's about all that is around here.

 

Yep you procreated with someone who has sh@t all over you. BUT you forget that from that you have one of the most precious things you will ever have in this world MM4 and that is your son.

 

I get where you are coming from, but sometimes you have to let go. That means stop dwelling on what she did to you and start living your life. What she did is now past and you have to look forward from today.

 

One of my dear friends has just found out he has cancer at age 39. He has been told that he has at best 6 months left. He will be leaving behind 2 kids. Instead of wallowing in it he is determined to make the best of his last months.

[visualbasicide]

We're not trying to be patronizing buddy, a lot of people just can't function when the fit hits the shan. You sound pretty much like you are on top of things. I understand the career thing, I actually ruined mine trying to make the ex happy, the irony.

 

I don't know what to tell you about the environment you live in though. I understand your frustration but I can't really just toss out a plan either since I don't know what you want to do with the rest of your life. Work, get financially stable, have a meaningful relationship, sounds like something most everyone on the planet wants but I can't help with the specifics.

 

A lot of us in a separate thread are checking out a video that has lots of helpful, insightful information. Maybe it will give you some guidance that we can't. It is a pastor speaking but it is more of a seminar than a bible thumping.

http://www.northpoint.org/messages/the-new-rules-for-love-sex-and-dating#

[marqueemoon4]

I'm watching the video.. great and all but if your "partner" is playing by their own set of selfish rules, it really doesn't matter does it?

 

I have a BA in Communications.. I know how to think critically. What the F does that matter if NO ONE ELSE is playing by those rules? Thats right, it doesn't matter, it'll always be a one way street.

 

I don't know where you all live, where I live there are married soccer moms and 22yr old bar tramps. Not much else in the middle... and at my age (41) pretty much all the single women are carrying a ridiculous amount of baggage. No thanks, I have enough of my own. And I was financially stable before this harpy burned everything to the ground.

Edited September 4, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[visualbasicide]

The guy addresses that in the video too. Though I tend to think a lot like you do about the rest of it. In my own situation the child was used for leverage before I found out about the affair, and then ripped away afterwards right before her 8th birthday, the OM didn't even shop up at her birthday party and I obviously wasn't invited.

 

I really have no answers, If I follow the reasoning behind what the man in the video says, then I become who I want to be, more easily discern personality types or habits of people I don't want to be with and put my self in an environment to meet the types of people more suitable to my own views and interests. Still it seems like a gamble in a lot of ways and maybe it is.

 

Then again I really don't see me getting involved with anyone in the foreseeable future, so maybe some of my cynicism and trust issues can be tapered down a bit when I get there? The truth is I don't know if there are answers to our questions without us making them up ourselves.

[marqueemoon4]

There are no answers. Its a crapshoot, and humans unfortunately are selfish, callous creatures in general.. some are just better at hiding it.

 

Its funny cause I was just at CVS.. checking out I looked around at all the tabloids and magazines.. EVERY COVER had some nonsense about some "celebrity" getting divorced or cheating. Its what our culture is today.

 

My ex is a taker and a FOLLOWER. I truly believe if all her new "friends" jumped off a bridge she'd be right behind them. Everything about her, the way she dresses, the way she thinks, the way she looks is ripped off other people so she can "fit in". She did it with me too.. it always made me uncomfortable. I was on to some pretty great stuff over the years, and I wanted to expose her to new things without cramming it down her throat. Of course when the **** hit the fan I was trying to "control her". Its a no win situation with most people.

[visualbasicide]

I agree a lot with almost everything you just said, description of ex included. check these out, they kind of touch on a lot of what we're talking about.

 

lemmings vs friends

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295757/

 

facebook (or cultural acceptance of infidelity)

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t295702/?goto=newpost

 

g.i.g.s. syndrome

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t251986/?highlight=gigs+syndrome

 

 

I am sure we could all write books on the subject, and honestly, maybe we should. At any rate this is a good place to bounce ideas and frustrations around in a safe, if not always productive manner. Then again the more you get to roll it all around in the mind, the easier it is to deal with, and hence, accept.

[updown]

i am very hard to offend. but, this offends me. THESE women you talk about, i don't know any of them! well, maybe ONE but she is actually in fairfax county. the single women that *I* know, in this county, are not two faced low class skanks! i'm sorry you are only meeting those women. but, they are not the ONLY thing out there........ humph!

 

 

All because I procreated with some common, two faced low class skank. And guess what? That's about all that is around here.

[marqueemoon4]

i am very hard to offend. but, this offends me. THESE women you talk about, i don't know any of them! well, maybe ONE but she is actually in fairfax county. the single women that *I* know, in this county, are not two faced low class skanks! i'm sorry you are only meeting those women. but, they are not the ONLY thing out there........ humph!

 

Read my later post... soccer moms, or college age bar flies. Most of the women near where *I* live frankly I don't have anything in common with. They're kept women who mainly spend their time circulating thru malls and exercising their husbands credit cards.

[andyg99]

Read my later post... soccer moms, or college age bar flies. Most of the women near where *I* live frankly I don't have anything in common with. They're kept women who mainly spend their time circulating thru malls and exercising their husbands credit cards.

 

that's not reality... you are judging ALL women in your area based on your experience with your ex. That is why we need time to heal before we even consider dating because if you don't you'll end up picking someone just like your ex... there are many good women out there, when you are healed you will find them...