BrettLost Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 MM4, Totally agree. Like role-playing with people u know through and through. My kids see 2 sides to my meeting with their mum. Sometimes depends if OM is present. Your lucky HE was'nt there. Somtimes its NC, minimal conversation, in and out, yea ur life's great see-ya kind of thing. I'm speaking mainly of drop off/pick ups. This is different to what u would have experienced at swim lessons. Then (if u BOTH let it), it can be a casual do, as if nothings gone down type conversation. How's OM, oh yea good. You's did what- oh thats ok hey, good stuff. You took the kids where- fantastic. Yea i can take them next weekend, sure. Me I'm ok.. Im alive i guess....followed by lies of mental harmony and overall happiness.... There is a place in between the both i am seeking. For your son, option 2 is better. No drama or tension, mum n dad just get along and deal with it. She has to willingly play along also. If she's cold, ignorance is bliss. Ur son will still remember u being there. Different to when i missed my daughters fete cos OM was there. For your healing, option 1 is paramount. NC/LC is great for ur self esteem and overall re-building of ur new existance. Option 2 sometimes traps u into wishing u were in OM's shoes doing those things again with YOUR son, YOUR family.... All in all its F U C K E D U P S H I T T O D E A L W I T H but ur doin great man. Very healthy to vent it out, its why we're all here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 (edited) I agree it should be as tension free as possible.. again I'm a terrible actor and can't be fake and act happy when I'm miserable inside. I guess that's weak? I came across a breakup letter my exW wrote to me in 2004 after we had been dating for 2yrs. I am sad to say it was totally on point and completely valid. Ultimately its the same issues that did in our marriage. Of course we didn't have a son back then which made things that much more complicated. She said she was worn out trying to make me happy and she felt that no matter what she did it was never enough. Funny, I felt the same way, but what I did for her was on a much grander scale. She did the best she could, I believe that. Her words were so true.. about how much her family meant to her and how she couldn't be with someone didnt accept them, and how I don't embrace differences in people. It was always my way, there was no compromise because I thought I knew so much more than her because I was much older and established. This girl loved me and I straight up did everything I could to push her away. She is so much wiser and intelligent than I ever gave her credit for. She is also beautiful and the whole 8yrs she was with me there were lots of guys who would've been all over her. I had her, her love, her attention, her emotions in my hands for all that time and I pissed it away thinking I deserved so much better. Now I'd kill for her just to be nice to me for 5 minutes. She is with another man and sadly, he probably treats her with the respect she deserves. She was my wife, that meant so much to me but I made so many mistakes. I've lost her forever, and my boy will never live with me again and his mom and dad will never be together again. It's my fault. She made her own mistakes of course and certainly has her own issues, but I pushed her to her breaking point and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I've pretty much done the same thing in all 3 LTRs I had. I know, don't make the same mistakes "next time". I always love this girl and I am totally worth a second chance. I've improved as a person tenfold and have learned so much in the last 16 mos since she left. God I miss having her in my life. She was my best friend. Tomorrow would've been our 4yr wedding anniversary. Obviously I won't mention it as it means nothing to her. She also mentioned she'll be out of town the weekend of her 30th birthday. I would give anything to have her want to spend it with me and our son. Edited September 21, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 mm4: It's going to be beneficial for you to have read that letter and processed what really went on the marriage. On the other hand you can't just put it all on yourself. She also decided to bail on the marriage and not put in necessary work to change the outcome - for your child's sake. Please don't be too hard on yourself man, you are a good guy and have an important job to do. Don't let the sadness in anymore, move forward if the relationship is done, move on and don't look back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 Yea man.. unfortunately without her and my son, my life is empty and completely meaningless. Sad, but true. Every day since she left has sucked. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 mm4: At the moment it may seem meaningless but it's only temporary. When things start to come back together for you, things will come into perspective. I know your pain, I feel it too. I am in some ways still feeling it, even though my wife is back home. I know exactly what you mean - every day since she left sucks. Again, this is not permanent - you will find a balance and if you can't I suggest you speak to a professional. Have you been seeing a therapist? Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 I was for months... I haven't since July or so. I agree, I think I need to see someone again. I shouldn't still.be this miserable and I obviously need help. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 mm - I agree with surfer, don't put all of this blame on yourself, you are going from hot to cold in this thread, first she gets the blame - she is a horrible person, now you are putting the blame on yourself and she is all of a sudden someone you want to be with... the truth is somewhere in the middle, find that truth but remember your boy, the more you keep bouncing back and forth the more it will effect him... and stop focusing on how bad your son has it wthout a mom and dad together, my kids have issues with their mom but they are all well adjusted and happy young adults now, your boy will be fine as long as you MOVE FORWARD! this sucks bigtime but keep your eye on the prize - YOUR BOY'S HAPPINESS!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 21, 2011 Author Share Posted September 21, 2011 You're right.. I am going back and forth. My heart and my mind are obsessed with figuring out why things have ended up the way they are. I know, waste of time. I do strongly believe I had GIGS, and now that I've been single for awhile I remember how awful it is. I'm definitely scared I'll never find someone who will value and appreciate me for the right reasons. I'm glad your kids grew up well adjusted. That's not always the case, as I'm sure you're aware. I had it beaten into my head over and over when I was younger that kids without both real parents and having a REAL, healthy family are at a major disadvantage, and honestly I believe it. Just because broken homes and "blended" families are the norm these days doesn't make it any less debilitating. Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted September 21, 2011 Share Posted September 21, 2011 MM4, I too deeply believe the values of old. Mum and Dad pull through. This crap of blended/broken familes being the norm is destroying society. Like everything else these days, marriage and family is a disposable commodity. Like your tv, your car, computer and clothes.... when its not good enough anymore u get a new one. I recently just bought a new car as a gift to myself for hangin in there with it, lift my self-esteem n such.... came to the conclusion that i should have bought a $5k car in good nick as opposed to the $30k one i got. They still do the same thing, point a to point b. I pray that people who leave reasonably good family settings, find themselves in only a marginally better place if not a worse one, look back n say, s h i t, it was'nt that bad- should have just stayed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 (edited) Brett- She was right to leave, we needed separation. Unfortunately if she had stayed nothing would've changed. But between BOTH of our actions and her meeting this phony OM, the deal was sealed. The fact no one on her side particularly like me doesn't help. All my friends/family don't like her either. I can tell you, I will be VERY leery of ever involving myself with someone who comes from a background of divorce. I still cringe when I recall my ex explain that she started setting up her exit strategy because "she wasn't happy with how things were going". Peoples word and promises mean nothing anymore... its really pretty sad. Before she was outed for cheating with her coworker before she left her big statement was "I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO TO GET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!" Oh, and hook up with another dude. Toxic at times, peaceful for the most part, but to label the entire relationship as "abusive" is preposterous. Edited September 22, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 MM4, I felt there was a contrasting view on what separation could do for our relationship. I agreed that a break was needed too, but to use the break as a chance to explore options outside the marriage, instead of working personally to come together stronger than ever was completely SHOCKING to me. I'm guessing u meant 'background of divorce' relating to people from a home of divorce as opposed to divorcees. I find the difference in values and reasoning (now that i look back) completely black and white between those from still married parents, to those who have seen their parents part ways. Stick it out, or cut n run.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 22, 2011 Author Share Posted September 22, 2011 Yea, I meant women who have parents that have been divorced and all that step parent nonsense. Unfortunately that disqualifies a large percentage of single women out there. Funny because when I talked to my ex about this before our son was born and before we got married she gave me the whole speech about she had seen how horrible divorce was firsthand and how much pain it had caused her. I bought it. People will say anything to get what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I had the same talk. They experienced it firsthand, vowed to never put their children through the same thing, yet here we are. It feels as though to her it's a bump in her original life path. For me, the bump is so huge it's changed the path I'm on and the way I see/perceive the path ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 I find the difference in values and reasoning (now that i look back) completely black and white between those from still married parents, to those who have seen their parents part ways. Quoted and bolded for truth. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 22, 2011 Share Posted September 22, 2011 comments in BOLD You're right.. I am going back and forth. My heart and my mind are obsessed with figuring out why things have ended up the way they are. I know, waste of time. I do strongly believe I had GIGS, and now that I've been single for awhile I remember how awful it is. I'm definitely scared I'll never find someone who will value and appreciate me for the right reasons. right now finding someone else should be at the bottom of your list, being "scared" about something that doesn't matter one bit is wasted energy that can be put towards more important things... BTW - working on those more important things will have an amazing effect on how you look to others (especially available women!) - see, it all ties together I'm glad your kids grew up well adjusted. That's not always the case, as I'm sure you're aware. I had it beaten into my head over and over when I was younger that kids without both real parents and having a REAL, healthy family are at a major disadvantage, and honestly I believe it. Just because broken homes and "blended" families are the norm these days doesn't make it any less debilitating. true, it's not always the case - but you CAN give your son the best chance by doing what YOU can to make his life as great as it should be. Hanging your head and worrying about what his life MIGHT be like does NO GOOD! His mom and his dad are not together, that's his reality - who cares what is the norn and isn't the norm, just focus on YOUR norm... Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 24, 2011 Author Share Posted September 24, 2011 Whats the healthy response to complete and utter rejection from someone who was everything to you for the longest period of your life? Acceptance? When you're dumped you no longer have the power to reject back, its too late. Everyone who knows me and what happened knows I would've hung in for at least a few more years. Having the tables completely turned on you is such a helpless feeling. Not caring is a coping skill I lack, and I have no idea how not to care about this.. all these months later. Like willow said, I don't think you ever "get over it", at best you just learn to live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Whats the healthy response to complete and utter rejection from someone who was everything to you for the longest period of your life? Acceptance? YES! acceptance is the only response - you have no control over anyone but YOU! when someone screws you over you don't have to agree with it but you have to accept that it happened and move on.. When you're dumped you no longer have the power to reject back, its too late. Everyone who knows me and what happened knows I would've hung in for at least a few more years. Having the tables completely turned on you is such a helpless feeling. Not caring is a coping skill I lack, and I have no idea how not to care about this.. all these months later. Like willow said, I don't think you ever "get over it", at best you just learn to live with it. you would have "hung in"? go re-read your posts about your ex again, is that someone you want to hang in for? You don't need to be a martyr in a marriage... I know, you wanted to keep your family together but sometimes when it's broke it can't be fixed. hang in there friend, you will get through this! Link to post Share on other sites
TroyNJ Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 Whats the healthy response to complete and utter rejection from someone who was everything to you for the longest period of your life? Acceptance? When you're dumped you no longer have the power to reject back, its too late. Everyone who knows me and what happened knows I would've hung in for at least a few more years. Having the tables completely turned on you is such a helpless feeling. Not caring is a coping skill I lack, and I have no idea how not to care about this.. all these months later. Like willow said, I don't think you ever "get over it", at best you just learn to live with it. I also feel your pain bro, somehow we will get through it! I just don't get how they just act like we never existed. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted September 24, 2011 Share Posted September 24, 2011 (edited) Yes acceptance and the realisation that they have moved on and so should you. Sorry sounds harsh but life really is what you make it. You can sit and wallow or get out there and live your life. Choice is yours. Having read your posts I cannot believe you would have given it a few more years. Seriously go back and read what you wrote Edited September 24, 2011 by LifesontheUp Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 I know right what a dummy.. I should never want to talk to her again in this lifetime or the next. I'm moving on. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Not a dummy, just someone who can and will move on with their life You have to move on MM4, you cannot hold onto this forever or it will continue to eat you up and make your life miserable. That isn't any way to live. Accept the things you cannot change, and change the things you can. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 26, 2011 Share Posted September 26, 2011 Not a dummy, just someone who can and will move on with their life You have to move on MM4, you cannot hold onto this forever or it will continue to eat you up and make your life miserable. That isn't any way to live. Good luck. please listen to this mm... you can't stay stuck in the mud... YOUR SON NEEDS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted September 29, 2011 Author Share Posted September 29, 2011 (edited) what I am dealing with now is how I could've let myself A. get taken advantage of B. get next to nothing out of the relationship/marriage C. have the tables turned on me D. be the one stuck caring E. not see that women totally have the upper hand when it comes to divorce/custody F. let the divorce pretty ruin everything emotionally/financially G.not know that women are capable of extreme callousness and cruelty, I had seen it before on numerous occasions H. NOT BE ABLE TO MOVE ON I. be unable to handle things that used to be a breeze, like keeping up on bills etc J. see far enough into the future that if she indeed DID leave eventually my son would be living with an OM and what that would do to me K. that involving myself with this person would end up causing me pain on an epic, irrepairable level. btw, before someone comes in and debunks everything I've said, I am always there for my son, and will always be. That is a GIVEN. Edited September 29, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 btw, before someone comes in and debunks everything I've said, I am always there for my son, and will always be. That is a GIVEN. being there isn't enough, you really need to get past this... you said you've been to counseling before, maybe try a new one... BTW, we are partly to blame for our situations because we chose that person but you really need to stop beating yourself up, nobody can see into the future... PLEASE LET IT GO! Link to post Share on other sites
typeeffidly Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I really like yours site..keep it growing penis enlargement male enhancement penis pills male pills vp rx Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts