How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[marqueemoon4]

Brett- at the end of the day I do know the truth, and know that I'm a great father. I know I'll find a job soon and dig my way out if all this debt. I also know I'll meet someone special in the future.

 

I have absolutely no interest in speaking to exW at all, I'm 100% done.

 

Standard selfish psycho ex wives putting their happiness above their children, broken promises aplenty, cheating, lying about everything, all the same stuff you read on here. I wish to God I knew about this crap in 2006, no way I would've I agreed to let that low class, no self esteem nightmare go off birth control.

[marqueemoon4]

Tessssst......?

[TroyNJ]

thanks Andy.. as always I appreciate your support and spot on advice.

 

 

I was thinking last night while unable to sleep.. what makes me CRAZY and how this person will never stop doing this, hence why I have to continue with permanent, strict NC.

 

Have you ever dealt with someone who accuses you of things they CLEARLY do themselves? I understand there is no way to go through this life without being hypocritical about some things, but this is to a level that would make anyone lose their sh*t. Here are some examples:

 

1. saying *I* have a selective memory when they have completely rewritten history and focus on about 10% of the overall events in an 8yr relationship.

 

2. accusing me of being "cruel" when their actions are the definition of cruel

 

3. judging or being hypercritical of someone when they have no business whatsoever to do so. how in thee hell can someone say I'm irresponsible and not being an "adult" when this person has never supported even herself for 5 minutes after I supported myself, her and our child for over 3yrs??

 

4. cheating and lying. two things I don't do.

 

5. when stating obvious FACTS in a non hostile manner, someone claims that I'm VERBALLY ATTACKING them. I stated "you cheated on me with XXX". She straight up did, while we were married and together. Truth you don't want to hear is NOT a verbal attack. now if I stepped to calling her a hoe/tramp/slut whatever (which I NEVER have) that would be a verbal attack.

 

 

The list goes on and on, and is just proof positive why I must never talk to this person again unless an emergency about our child. Day 10 of NC and I'm never looking back. I wish my sons mom wasn't insane, but I can't change that.

 

As you know bro, my X has done the exact same things to me. I've decided to also go strict NC, I can't take the strory twisting anymore, I'm done!!!!!!

[jaymz]

thanks Andy.. as always I appreciate your support and spot on advice.

 

 

I was thinking last night while unable to sleep.. what makes me CRAZY and how this person will never stop doing this, hence why I have to continue with permanent, strict NC.

 

NC or LC is the best thing to do and has helped me keep reasonably sane so far. I have a lot of support from friends and family too, with these things I am sure I would have jumped off a bridge by now.

 

Have you ever dealt with someone who accuses you of things they CLEARLY do themselves? I understand there is no way to go through this life without being hypocritical about some things, but this is to a level that would make anyone lose their sh*t. Here are some examples:

 

Oh yes, all the time. The behaviour below and other things used to wind me up no end!

 

1. saying *I* have a selective memory when they have completely rewritten history and focus on about 10% of the overall events in an 8yr relationship.

 

The selective memory was always there. Her favourite trick was to write a scenario in her head of what happens and the reasons for it and then start punishing me without knowing all the details. She always assumed the worst motives for things. Did this to everyone as well. The complete re-write occurred at the end of the marriage, a classic cheaters tool to justify their actions to themselves and everyone else.

 

2. accusing me of being "cruel" when their actions are the definition of cruel

 

I get called "evil".

 

3. judging or being hypercritical of someone when they have no business whatsoever to do so. how in thee hell can someone say I'm irresponsible and not being an "adult" when this person has never supported even herself for 5 minutes after I supported myself, her and our child for over 3yrs??

 

Accuse me of not putting the kids first and then does pathetic things like not telling my daughters first day of school, not telling about the open evening for my daughter that she attended with scumbag instead, not telling me about the school photos that were done, etc etc etc.

 

4. cheating and lying. two things I don't do.

 

Her and her family all lie and cheat. When any slight is done against them its blown up all out of proportion due to the scenario (in point 1_.

 

5. when stating obvious FACTS in a non hostile manner, someone claims that I'm VERBALLY ATTACKING them. I stated "you cheated on me with XXX". She straight up did, while we were married and together. Truth you don't want to hear is NOT a verbal attack. now if I stepped to calling her a hoe/tramp/slut whatever (which I NEVER have) that would be a verbal attack.

 

Oh yes. My favourite was a ****ty solicitors letter from her stating that I "demanded to see her finances". At the time I was explaining to her that its part of the divorce process to go through finances so she needs to get things sorted out if she wants to speed up the divorce. We are now at that stage of sorting out the finances for mutual exchange in November. I don't know if its her writing the solicitors letters or she has a complete idiot as a solicitor.

 

The list goes on and on, and is just proof positive why I must never talk to this person again unless an emergency about our child. Day 10 of NC and I'm never looking back. I wish my sons mom wasn't insane, but I can't change that.

 

Same here. In my down moments I fantasies that she comes back fulling understanding what she did wrong and we live happily every after. I know that is just fantasy now. It will never happen as she will continue to be extremely immature and scumbag is going to have to put up with all of that as she cannot be "perfect" forever.

 

I on the other hand have hopefully grown more as a person, improved where I failed, got new targets to achieve and a new life to live.

[NXS]

Same here. In my down moments I fantasies that she comes back fulling understanding what she did wrong and we live happily every after. I know that is just fantasy now. It will never happen as she will continue to be extremely immature and scumbag is going to have to put up with all of that as she cannot be "perfect" forever.

 

Brilliant statement. They never get their own **** never mind admitting to it. That's what keeps a lot of ex spouses in endless head spinning, looking for recognition when it's never forthcoming.

[NXS]

Brett- at the end of the day I do know the truth, and know that I'm a great father. I know I'll find a job soon and dig my way out if all this debt. I also know I'll meet someone special in the future.

 

I have absolutely no interest in speaking to exW at all, I'm 100% done.

 

Standard selfish psycho ex wives putting their happiness above their children, broken promises aplenty, cheating, lying about everything, all the same stuff you read on here. I wish to God I knew about this crap in 2006, no way I would've I agreed to let that low class, no self esteem nightmare go off birth control.

 

Glad to hear you've stopped banging you've stopped banging your head against that brick wall. She's just not worth it.

[robf1971]

Hey mate,

 

I don't get the re-written history thing either. Like she magically thinks YOU have forgotton all the effort and work you put in to keeping it all running, the oil on the gears if you will. When they have to oil their own running gear, they'l know.

.

 

They all do it, like those sad sack rioters in London blaming their looting on everything else but them and how they were driven to it. Every one tries to justfy bad things they do, I guess , the bigger the crime the more justifying. It's a damn site easier than looking in the mirror.

 

My wife did look in the mirror finally, and held her hands up as a result we are back together. Interestingly she has re re written history, so we've had a great past together in her mind, with just a blip. This goes to show what a load of BS the rewrite was in the first place.

[marqueemoon4]

Rob your wife looking in the mirror and looking at things objectively shows she is a woman of character, and able to appreciate your marriage for what it is/was. My exW is the complete opposite. In lieu of actually being her own person and learning how to be independent she conveniently dove into another codependent relationship with an unsuspecting sucker. Make no mistake about it, when that goes up in flames (and rest assured it will) she'll jump to the next one, and so on and so on.

 

She and her mother are master manipulators, and neither of them would be anything without men taking care of them and doing everything for them. Her mother had the NERVE a few weeks back to tell me that I should be interviewing at McDs or Burger King, and how me losing my job because of this disgusting divorce was no justification whatsoever. She said that when her abusive ex husband left her she worked 3 jobs to take care of her kids. REALITY CHECK lady.. maybe if instead of getting knocked up at 17/18 you actually went to school and got an education you wouldn't have had to do that. Her comparing herself to me is sickening. I knew these people were lower middle class and the opposite spectrum of me politically, but I at LEAST thought since they were God fearing Christians that knew the difference between right and wrong. Nope.

 

I said you know she cheated on me right? She was like YOU'RE DIVORCED!!! Um, lady I mean before May 2010 when she left. Well she too busy saying I wasn't an adult and irresponsible and she is in complete denial, just like her daughter. I swear to you, these rubes can construct any reality to make themselves feel better and to place all the blame on the other side. And they will never change, ever. Engaging them in any way is absolutely futile. Permanent NC.

[robf1971]

Her mother had the NERVE a few weeks back to tell me that I should be interviewing at McDs or Burger King, and how me losing my job because of this disgusting divorce was no justification whatsoever.

 

Every one hates an interfering Mother in Law, but an interfering ex mother in law? ughhhhhhh.

[marqueemoon4]

Then she goes on to tell me she is sooooo close to my son etc etc and how he tells her things.. I'm like UM I'M HIS FATHER. This delusional fool thinks she is more important to him than me. What a joke. Yea he tells me things too.. like he wishes he could live with me and be with me every day. Never says anything about her at all.

[jaymz]

Then she goes on to tell me she is sooooo close to my son etc etc and how he tells her things.. I'm like UM I'M HIS FATHER. This delusional fool thinks she is more important to him than me. What a joke. Yea he tells me things too.. like he wishes he could live with me and be with me every day. Never says anything about her at all.

 

Same here but I take it with a pinch of salt though, how knows what they when around the mothers house?

 

I know my kids love me and want to spend time with me. I ensure they have stability, boundaries etc but tempered with fun & love. Perfect family combo.

[robf1971]

Then she goes on to tell me she is sooooo close to my son etc etc and how he tells her things.. I'm like UM I'M HIS FATHER. This delusional fool thinks she is more important to him than me. What a joke. Yea he tells me things too.. like he wishes he could live with me and be with me every day. Never says anything about her at all.

 

This is precisely why you have nothing to worry about. The old boiler (british expression) knows she's getting to you and is enjoying it. Also she is his grandmother and your child should love and respect her whatever happens.

 

However, nothing can change the fact that your his parent and there's no one more important to him than you.

[marqueemoon4]

This is precisely why you have nothing to worry about. The old boiler (british expression) knows she's getting to you and is enjoying it. Also she is his grandmother and your child should love and respect her whatever happens.

 

However, nothing can change the fact that your his parent and there's no one more important to him than you.

 

Old Boiler

 

Rob.. i totally agree that he should love and respect all his relatives on both sides, never for a second would think otherwise. Doesn't mean his grandmother on his moms side isn't a complete whack job. And yes, his parents are the two most important people in his life, anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional, including this BF douche.

[robf1971]

Old Boiler

 

Rob.. i totally agree that he should love and respect all his relatives on both sides, never for a second would think otherwise. Doesn't mean his grandmother on his moms side isn't a complete whack job. And yes, his parents are the two most important people in his life, anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional, including this BF douche.

 

I could NEVER deal with someone elses kids, I think most guys can't hack it in the long run. My kids drive me mad sometimes but they are mine and I love 'em. Other people's kids just drive me mad, I wouldn't want anything to do with them. Makes you wonder how these OM's deal with it.

[joseph17]

Just ditch her and move on. That one isn't even worth the fight or the effort. You can do better than that. If she cheated twice and you were still giving her money and then decides to live with some other guy that is a gold digger. Drop that one like a bad habit and move on. Sorry you had to go through this but lesson learned right?

[jaymz]

I could NEVER deal with someone elses kids, I think most guys can't hack it in the long run. My kids drive me mad sometimes but they are mine and I love 'em. Other people's kids just drive me mad, I wouldn't want anything to do with them. Makes you wonder how these OM's deal with it.

 

Same here. I have no idea how they do it. To make the choice to abandon your own kids to seeing them once a week or fortnight and then bring up someone elses instead? Unthinkable.

[marqueemoon4]

Well, speaking of kids.. I just dropped my son after doing her favor by picking him up from preschool and keeping him until 4pm.. she got out of the car and she had a distinctive gut, moreso that her usual one. I think this chick is pregnant. Good news, I couldn't care less.. this girl is a trainwreck!

[TroyNJ]

Well, speaking of kids.. I just dropped my son after doing her favor by picking him up from preschool and keeping him until 4pm.. she got out of the car and she had a distinctive gut, moreso that her usual one. I think this chick is pregnant. Good news, I couldn't care less.. this girl is a trainwreck!

 

She is working on getting a meal ticket for at least the next 18 years, she's as bad as my X, serious gold digging bro. God these women are something lol.

[jaymz]

If she is then getting pregnant is a way of keeping the OM, a meal ticket like Troy said, otherwise what else do they have to keep together? Esp after the initial honeymoon phase? Yes its exciting to run around behind peoples back but once its out in the open and reality kicks in? Still have to shop, clean, look after kid, eat, 100's of other chores etc. But also got additional pressures like trust (how can you trust him/her when you know they will cheat/leave when the going gets tough?), lack of morals, bringin up someone elses kids, not seeing your own kids as much, lots of different types of new pressure on a relationship.

 

My STBXW is trying to get scumbag to divorce his wife asap so she can marry him for the same reasons, she is constantly moaning to her friends that scumbags wife is refusing the divorce and being difficult etc, they don't feel secure unless they have a ring on their finger or a bun in the oven.

 

My BIL left his 1st wife for his 2nd wife, he is her 3rd husband, he leaves her 3/4 times a year and complains that if he didn't have a daughter he would have left years ago. says it all really.

Edited October 18, 2011 by jaymz

[debtman]

Exactly, when the honeymoon is over...

 

My stbx left me for OM just over 1 year ago. Within the first 3 months, she was talking about buying a house with him, big enough for all the kids (his 2 and our 2). He was the "perfect" relationship mate for her (according to her) and she was up on that pedestal.

 

I guess she broke up with him about a month ago after she got tired of him not pursuing his D aggressively enough, not spending enough time with his kids, etc.

 

I was selfishly pleased to hear about their split up, but felt bad for my kids because they really seemed to like OM and he had been around a lot (pretty much every night, overnight) for about 9 months. Then, suddenly, he just wasn't there anymore.

 

She started asking me about reconciliation, if we could work things out, telling me about all the great relationship books she's been reading, how much she's learned about herself, etc. I told her I didn't think reconciliation wasn't an option because the kids seemed to be adjusting well (not to mention the fact that I'd never subject myself or them to that again).

 

Anyway, last weekend I had our big annual Halloween party (last year we had it just after she told me it was over and as she was dating OM several times a week) and it went great. Lots of friends over, lots of kids, everyone had a great time and I managed to pull it all off without too much stress. She had asked if she was going to get an invitation and I just said "probably not this year."

 

The last week or two she's been asking me to take the kids an extra night here and there, or asking to switch schedules a little, without telling me why. I never ask and am always glad to have as much time as I can, but I know it's because she's already dating someone else and is trying to work around his schedule. She told me the other night that she was going to a hockey game (she detests sports) so I can see another sterling relationship on the horizon. I just hope she plays it a little better this time around the kids so that they don't have different men coming in and out of their lives every few months.

 

Annoys me a bit since I've intentionally avoided getting into a relationship until I feel that I'm emotionally ready and she's just jumping right back in because she doesn't want to be alone.

 

I'd like to tell her that I think it would be really healthy for her to be alone for a while until she figures out what it will take for her to be happy by herself, but, it's not my business anymore. I just keep focusing on myself and my kids...and paying her 1/2 my salary every month and watching her spend it on her dates and herself...

 

It gets frustrating sometimes, but, I just remind myself that I'm much happier now, much more aware of my feelings, have a much stronger relationship with my kids, am much more focused on what's really important and have a fantastic future to look forward to.

 

It's hard to sever those emotional ties and deal with the repercussions, but, in the end, you'll emerge a wiser, happier, healthier person.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[NXS]

Exactly, when the honeymoon is over...

 

My stbx left me for OM just over 1 year ago. Within the first 3 months, she was talking about buying a house with him, big enough for all the kids (his 2 and our 2). He was the "perfect" relationship mate for her (according to her) and she was up on that pedestal.

 

I guess she broke up with him about a month ago after she got tired of him not pursuing his D aggressively enough, not spending enough time with his kids, etc.

 

I was selfishly pleased to hear about their split up, but felt bad for my kids because they really seemed to like OM and he had been around a lot (pretty much every night, overnight) for about 9 months. Then, suddenly, he just wasn't there anymore.

 

She started asking me about reconciliation, if we could work things out, telling me about all the great relationship books she's been reading, how much she's learned about herself, etc. I told her I didn't think reconciliation wasn't an option because the kids seemed to be adjusting well (not to mention the fact that I'd never subject myself or them to that again).

 

Anyway, last weekend I had our big annual Halloween party (last year we had it just after she told me it was over and as she was dating OM several times a week) and it went great. Lots of friends over, lots of kids, everyone had a great time and I managed to pull it all off without too much stress. She had asked if she was going to get an invitation and I just said "probably not this year."

 

The last week or two she's been asking me to take the kids an extra night here and there, or asking to switch schedules a little, without telling me why. I never ask and am always glad to have as much time as I can, but I know it's because she's already dating someone else and is trying to work around his schedule. She told me the other night that she was going to a hockey game (she detests sports) so I can see another sterling relationship on the horizon. I just hope she plays it a little better this time around the kids so that they don't have different men coming in and out of their lives every few months.

 

Annoys me a bit since I've intentionally avoided getting into a relationship until I feel that I'm emotionally ready and she's just jumping right back in because she doesn't want to be alone.

 

I'd like to tell her that I think it would be really healthy for her to be alone for a while until she figures out what it will take for her to be happy by herself, but, it's not my business anymore. I just keep focusing on myself and my kids...and paying her 1/2 my salary every month and watching her spend it on her dates and herself...

 

It gets frustrating sometimes, but, I just remind myself that I'm much happier now, much more aware of my feelings, have a much stronger relationship with my kids, am much more focused on what's really important and have a fantastic future to look forward to.

 

It's hard to sever those emotional ties and deal with the repercussions, but, in the end, you'll emerge a wiser, happier, healthier person.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

So after all she put you through Debtman she thought she could just waltz back into your life as if nothing had happened.

 

One of the things that has really been an eye-opener for me here on LS is how some women can't be alone for 5mins without a man to support them, and how they always seem to set up the next relationship before ending the current one. What is it with these women?

[robf1971]

So after all she put you through Debtman she thought she could just waltz back into your life as if nothing had happened.

 

In her mind it was all Debtman's fault, she probably thinks she's doing him a massive favour by wanting to get back with him. I swear thats the mentality of these women.

[marqueemoon4]

did u guys miss that my exW is preggers already? Meaning this child was technically conceived before we were divorced? It's obv none of my business but I must ask -- WTFFFFFFF

Edited October 18, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[NXS]

did u guys miss that my exW is preggers already? Meaning this child was technically conceived before we were divorced? It's obv none of my business but I must ask -- WTFFFFFFF

 

You may have just dodged a bullet, in many jurisdictions you would be responsible for that child, even if it wasn't yours, because you were married when he/she was born.

[Surfer203]

mm4: Nail in the coffin. If you needed anything else, any other knowledge/information to move on... there you have it. I know it still must be bothersome and hurtful to know that but you have dodged a major bullet by getting divorced. You are a free man... free of her BS forever!