BrettLost Posted October 30, 2011 Share Posted October 30, 2011 MM4, Your goin great man. It's always a shame that our children have no say in the path their lives lead, BUT the love for you as their dad will ALWAYS remain independent and treasured in it's own right. I tell myself, would it have been better for her to stick it out with me for another 2, 3, 5 years only to resent her decision and leave anyway..... Most, like me, have come off a 6-8 year investment with these women.... Imagine the toll of her leaving after 15, 20 or MORE years devoted to her..... Some here face that I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted October 31, 2011 Share Posted October 31, 2011 Most, like me, have come off a 6-8 year investment with these women.... Imagine the toll of her leaving after 15, 20 or MORE years devoted to her..... Some here face that I'm sure. {raises hand} Yup, 20 years for me. She cray-cray! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 (edited) Nevermind. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!!!!! Edited November 1, 2011 by marqueemoon4 Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 mm4, You're doing great. Your kids know the truth instinctively. They are YOUR kids and always will be. I can't express to you how great things will be. For you, for you and your kids, for your future. It's hard to not envision what you dreamed of for so long...and thought you had...the family, the single, focused unit...but, you have to face the fact that she wasn't ready...and isn't ready...I don't see how anyone could make any decision that would hurt their children. I'd go back to my stbx in a second if I thought we could really have a happy marriage...but we can't...she's not ready for that...and my kids and I deserve more, so we're holding out for that...you should too... It gets better...every day...trust me and stay focused... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
jackson561716 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Hi! I found this app on my iphone. This book is very interesting and easy to grasp. Check it out crucialconfrontationsapp. It helps a lot to find and implement effective ways to face difficult situation.crucial confrontation explains powerful methods to tackle crucial situation with ease. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 I have learned incredibly harsh lessons about marriage, parenthood, and divorce. I wish it didn't have to be so painful for my son and I, and I have to believe I'm a stronger person for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Keep pushing through it mm4. You are doing great. Hope things are well with you. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 At least you can get an iPhone app, right? I totally understand the "painful lessons" stance. I don't believe that I will ever enter into another "intimate relationship" until my daughter grows up, at least. The risks far outweigh the potential benefits. I understand completely why people crack up during divorces. I will never understand how someone who promised to love and cherish me until I die can do any of the masses of things he has done, expect me to be fine, never have to ever discuss it and then throw me away like garbage. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 I understand completely why people crack up during divorces. I will never understand how someone who promised to love and cherish me until I die can do any of the masses of things he has done, expect me to be fine, never have to ever discuss it and then throw me away like garbage. Quoted for TRUTH, sister. (bold emphasis mine) Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted November 4, 2011 Share Posted November 4, 2011 So true, and one of the things that is most troublesome for me is the revisionist history and the twisting of reality to placate their own guilt. My stbx tried to goad me into a fight on the phone last night because my daughter had mentioned something to her about how they're going to get to spend more time with me once my son is in school full-time. Which they will...assuming she stays in the school district because they can take the bus right to my house. She immediately assumed that I only want more time with my kids so that I can get out of paying child support and, since she makes so little money, she wouldn't be able to survive without child support. She told me she's made so many sacrifices to be a stay at home mom and all the child support money goes right to the kids. THEN she told me she would do anything and put up with anything in a marriage to not have to deal with saying good-bye to the kids every time they leave to come to my house. I wanted to hit back with the fact that SHE was the one that gave up on the M. SHE was the one that jumped right in with OM. She's completely f****d without child support and she's so quick to assume that I'm trying to screw her over, even though I've been a stand-up guy right from the moment she threw away our M and family. I SOOO wanted to argue with her and tell her what a selfish, incompetent person she is, but, that would get me nowhere. So, I apologized for any misunderstanding, assured her that I'm not going to take away her child support, I want the best for the kids, I just want more time with them. She told me for years how much $ she could make if she didn't have to spend her time taking care of the kids... BS. The kicker was that she's been telling me for months (since OM left) that she's learned so much about relationships, communication, etc. and, as soon as I would start to make a point, she would interrupt me, cut me off, make wild assumptions, etc. Just re-affirms to me that she hasn't changed at all. Anyway, she's not worth giving a second thought to. I have to move forward with the assumption that I'm going to be tied to her financial future for the next 15 years or so and I just have to find a way to increase my income so that I can afford to keep the house and not have to scrape by every month... The best thing is that life goes on. Other than the occasional bump like this, we get along fine, I get lots of time with the kids, I have amazing friends and family and have lots of interests and activities to engage myself in. My mom keeps telling me it's only a matter of time before the kids realize how crazy their mom is and then they'll want to stay with me full-time... Life is insanity, eh? Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted November 5, 2011 Share Posted November 5, 2011 debtman - I can relate so much to your post... years ago I was at the point of saying "holy crap! I have to pay this woman for another 15 years!" well you are taking the high road and doing the right thing by letting her know you are not looking to decrease her support. I did the same thing - she even went as far as telling me "when I get back on my feet I hope to get to the point where you won't have to pay me anymore" of course I knew it was BS but I just thanked her anyway... in the years that followed my only concern was that when my kids were with her they 1- were well fed 2- had a decent home 3- had nice clothes 4- were able to do things any kid their would normally do. All the criteria were met so even though she and her new husband made decent money I always paid her on-time or even would pay large amounts (up to 2 years in advance) because my kids were taken care of... when my income went way up I even gave her more... the money was about the kids and we were able to get along very nicely... So in the beginning those 15 years seemed like some kind of a sentence, eventually it was nothing and now I've been done with support since my youngest turned 18 this year! (actually since I paid her in advance I was done in '08). Keep taking the high road debt! you are doing all the right things!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 andyg99, Too much, that's EXACTLY what my stbx said as far as hoping to get to the point where she won't need my payments anymore. It baffles me that she'll think it's still fair for me to give her $ when we get to the point where we'll split time equally with the kids. She's told me for years that, if we had the same amount of time to work, she'd be able to make more $ than me. Of course, I knew then, and I know now, that's total BS. There are SO many things I'd love to hold up in front of her, old e-mails of hers that I'd LOVE to send back to her to show her how inconsistent, hypocritical and unstable she is, but, I know that it would only hurt our kids. As far as things go, she gives me lots of time with the kids, hasn't tried to make things more difficult and making an effort to live close to me for the sake of the kids. Anyway, I can't tell you how much it helps to hear from someone else that made it through. I'm hoping that the scraping by month-to-month is a temporary thing and will get easier, but, I'm getting by, managing to enjoy myself and provide for my kids...at my house and hers. Thanks for the input... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 Last week my husband asked me to pay for a dental appointment for him ROFL. He owes me about $4500.00, I am also trying to pay back his parents for half of the loan I took from them to pay for his treatment in April (he later relapsed anyways). He has sent nothing for our daughter's care. "Yes honey, during this crazy time, I really need to know that your teeth are clean.":lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted November 6, 2011 Author Share Posted November 6, 2011 Some of the worst days of my life have been Sunday evenings alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 I know what you mean... I am here for you pal. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 Some of the worst days of my life have been Sunday evenings alone. Do you iron your clothes on a Sunday evening too? Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 6, 2011 Share Posted November 6, 2011 Some of the worst days of my life have been Sunday evenings alone. If you find a dentist open tonight, I'll shell out for your teeth to get cleaned. :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted November 7, 2011 Author Share Posted November 7, 2011 "I'll talk to you when I'm ready" 15 months and nothing. What is there to say anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 "I'll talk to you when I'm ready" 15 months and nothing. What is there to say anyway. Yeah at least mine said "We are NEVER going to discuss this EVER." Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 lol...mine told me, over and over, "We're just to different." "It wouldn't ever work between us." "It's just not fair to either of us." ...until OM left, then it was "Are you sure we can't reconcile." "I've learned so much about you, I'm just sad I didn't learn it until after all of this." "I'd put up with anything in a M to not have to see my kids walk out." However, no matter how difficult it makes things financially, how much it bothers me to see her doing things with our kids that I can't afford or how much she will ignore the unfairness of it, I wouldn't ever consider not sending her the support I agreed to pay. It amazes me that there are people out there that would do that. Regardless of everything else, I know that money will help make things easier for my kids, one way or another. I'll happily put up with anything for that... Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 MM4, Im fully feeling the Sunday arv depression... Stays til Wednesday where i look forward to Friday to see kids and rid of it again. Debtman, Like u said, if we hold up end of the CS deal, whether they blow it or actually use it thoughfully is on their conscience. I sleep better knowing I'm still contributing to my childrens weekly financial welfare. I wont go crazy and offer more than i should though, to "help" her, that's just plain stupidity. Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted November 7, 2011 Share Posted November 7, 2011 MM4, I wont go crazy and offer more than i should though, to "help" her, that's just plain stupidity. only do it if you can easily afford it - also, depending on who you are dealing with, giving more is often cheaper than them finding out you are making more and then taking you back to court for more $$... this way you don't have to pay any legal fees or waste time in court. Plus I'm sure an ex taking you back to court for more child support can easily set someone back emotionally... in my case I was making way more money a couple of years after we split - I looked at what was best for everyone (including me and my sanity) and figured a I wouldn't miss a few hundred more. My hard work put me in that position... believe me before finances got good I did the Top Ramen every night for a couple of years so it can be done... I know some of you are hurting because nothing can mess up finances like a breakup. Hang in there and ENJOY these times - I know that sounds weird but I can look back at the rough patches with a smile now. Me and my 3 kids still had a blast on weekends! often it was just a bag of sandwiches and a drive to a park - they still talk about those days (they don't even know that some of those times I barely had $5 in my pocket). As things got better then there were trips to Disney World and lots of other fun things that were somewhat expensive... my message to all is to heal, enjoy your children, work on yourself - if you are losing a home know that you can re-build yuor life and own again if that is a dream of yours... there are a few guys posting here about the same age I was when I got divorced and I just want them to know it can be done, life can be even more amazing than you can imagine if you just heal and move forward! Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted November 10, 2011 Author Share Posted November 10, 2011 Well, I have a lunch date with a woman I met on OKCupid.. I had sent her a msg like 3 weeks ago and heard nothing. At that point I was 0-4 on getting responses back and shut down my account. A few days ago she responded saying I seemed interesting and wanted to meet me. Everything looks good on paper.. she is 5'11 (I'm 6'4, always attracted to tall women. exW is 5'3), 2yrs older than ex, graduated from college, and seems cool. She is a yoga instructor, loves kids, and appears to be good with me having a son. I'm not getting my hopes up but trying to keep a positive attitude. Any tips? Out of the game a long time.. Link to post Share on other sites
i.bellagardner Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Maybe this is not really in love with her husband. Sad to say, but sometimes it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted November 10, 2011 Share Posted November 10, 2011 Well, I have a lunch date with a woman I met on OKCupid.. I had sent her a msg like 3 weeks ago and heard nothing. At that point I was 0-4 on getting responses back and shut down my account. A few days ago she responded saying I seemed interesting and wanted to meet me. Everything looks good on paper.. she is 5'11 (I'm 6'4, always attracted to tall women. exW is 5'3), 2yrs older than ex, graduated from college, and seems cool. She is a yoga instructor, loves kids, and appears to be good with me having a son. I'm not getting my hopes up but trying to keep a positive attitude. Any tips? Out of the game a long time.. #1. Verbal presentation is a total must, women respond more to the verbal signals (IMHO) more then anything else (like salary or strength etc.) #2 When women say that they are looking for a sensitive guy, they don't mean one that cries over long distance commercials, they mean one that is sensitive to how they are feeling, so use empathetic comments ("whoa, that sounds frustrating and you handled it well." etc.) #3 Sell yourself, but only in a short blurb, some guys blab all night to try to impress their date. (Ugh). It only shows a lack of sensitivity for your audience. Leil Lowndes has written a couple of things on how to cherry-pick a conversation. I know that this sounds weird, but somehow mention sex (not with her and not right away !!!!) into the conversation. Just something really subtle, casual. This is IMHO BTW. I think too many guys get friendzoned because they don't let women know that they even have a sex drive whatsoever and so they are just looked at like a "nice guy." The guys that have ever gotten the furthest with me were nice guys who somehow showed that they liked sex but not in a "I bang every slut on the weekend" type of way. It also gets her thinking of sex and changes how she evaluates you. Touch her arm, or something in a very non-confrontational, respectful way. You don't want to be a perv, but you want to be able to be someone that can be in her personal space for a brief bit as well. A gentle touch is just awesome. (perhaps you extend your arm to walk her across some icy patch or something, or pull some fluff off of her jacket.) That's all I can think of for now. Link to post Share on other sites
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