How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[marqueemoon4]

I agree that our childrens love is worth living for, but who knows as my son gets older that may change due to the fact he is mainly around her. He's only 4.. he knows whats going on hurts his dad and he obviously doesn't like being shipped back and forth. His mother knew the earlier she did this this the more it would benefit her. And yes, of course her parents divorced when she was young and mine are still together. This is a common theme among many of the situations on this site. I gave away my power and my life when I got this person pregnant and she knew it. She said yesterday that staying together for the boy was unhealthy, and I agree the way things were before she left were not beneficial for any of us. I have this unrelenting urge for her to know and understand what this is doing to him and to me as well. I told her that her saying that our time together wasn't anything special and not that great was extremely hurtful. She said she didn't recall saying that but ok. She then said "I'm just being honest xxxxx I'm not into talking about this." I said ok. I said so you're saying you don't think about these things at all? She said "thats what I'm saying." I said how is that even humanly possible? I said I guess there really was never anything between us. She got annoyed and said she was done discussing this and had things to do and said goodbye.

 

This all started because I IM'd her about my son and she had been notified about a court date for an adjustment to the agreement. Basically her lawyer told her I was trying to lower child support which is not the case. The motion was filed by my lawyer months ago when I was unemployed with no end in sight. I didn't sign anything it was discussed between my dad and the lawyer as they know each other. I had heard nothing from the lawyer at all nor had my dad to my knowledge. Apparently there was a court date on Dec 5th. I didn't know the date until she told me on the 3rd. She is in her words "infuriated" that she had to pay $300 to her lawyer to goto court. She didn't know I had gotten a job, nor did my lawyer until Dec 5th. Again, I don't care for lawyers and interface with them as little as possible. If there was a court date I would've thought he'd notify me or my father. He didn't. So, as she is beating me up about the $300 she had to pay her lawyer, she is also badgering me wanting to know what the adjustments are. Basically she manipulated me into giving them to her, and as usual after she got what she wanted, she bounced. I assume she ran straight to her lawyer with this information. The only reason there was even talk of a motion to adjust was because my income while unemployed was 1/5 of what it was at my last job. She has been paid every penny of child support, but to protect myself I couldn't possible be paying her the full amount each month and there are laws for that. Obviously all she cares about is money, and didn't empathize at all about my job situation. She also mentioned her plate was full and she wanted to know what the motion was about. I assume she is either prego as I suspected but I still don't know, or marrying this OM, or something related to him. I left saying "you're ridiculous, good bye". She then IM'd me saying oh btw you have (son) from noon on Christmas until noon on New Years day. Just wanted you to know so you could make arrangements. I responded by saying thats very kind of you. Thank you for that. I then said "when that POS cheats on you and dumps you, remember this conversation. Have a nice day". I then checked and sure enough I do have him for the whole week between Christmas and New Years, of which I'm pretty sure I work at least 4 of those weekdays. I have no idea what to do. Its nothing but nonstop headaches.

Edited December 8, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

You gotta keep it ALL BUSINESS with her, man.

 

Any texts or words like "when that POS cheats on you and dumps you, remember this conversation" only stoke her up and make her just a little more glad that you've tipped your hand. She's thinking, "Good, he's miserable!"

 

You already give her money; don't give her the last crushed pieces of your dreams n' hopes too. She's undeserving of ANYTHING related to your soul.

 

I've mentally dropped my wife liked a hot potato, even before the recent spate of events. But, you call the cops on me AND send me to court when there's no 'there' there? Well, that ain't Love, baby. You're a mannequin, as far as I'm concerned; the REAL wife took off on a spaceship and was substituted with some pod-creature that I don't know.

 

It's like teaching kids not to touch a hot stove. Don't touch the darn stove, MM4.

 

She's soul-less and doesn't care. Once you accept that, then - I swear - you'll feel just a bit more liberated. Yeah, you KNOW I relate to what you write - but at the end of the day, you can only move forward or collapse on the side of the road. Which is it gonna be? I take 'move forward' even if I'm beaten up by her, 'cause I know I'll eventually heal. Maybe not perfectly heal - like a vet loses a limb - but it doesn't stop you.

 

Hang tough, brother.

 

(sorry I didn't call back last night; was working late.)

[Steen719]

Hey MM4

Just starting a new job (congratulations, btw), I imagine you cannot take off, but a lot of places have temporary day care for kids during the holidays. The TaeKwonDo school I used to go to has it for those days and it is fun for the kids. They take lessons and eat and play. He could still have fun and you will have him for the week at night. That is the wonderful part.

 

Sorry that you are sad. I know sad, it stinks. Thank goodness you have your son. I think kids from all kinds of homes do well, though, and as long as he knows you love him and that he can always depend on you, his love for you will be there. That is worth more than be measured, in my estimation.

[marqueemoon4]

Yes, he knows he can always depend on me, and will always be able to. Also I should add that 3 weeks ago I politely asked if I could speak to my son on the phone every other day or so in the evening, and that request was ignored. This is another "adjustment" that may need to be done, because his mother clearly does not care if this happens, nor does she see the value of it. Especially after yesterday and killing 2+ mos of NC I don't want to ask for this now.

 

Yes, I am sad and have been for over a year. This is the longest I've ever been in a state like this in my life. I'm not one to overreact to things or be dramatic, but this continues to cause me pain on a daily basis. I wish I could throw myself into work but I really don't particularly enjoy what I do, but it pays well and I have a ton of bills to catch up on and monthly child support.

[worldgonewrong]

Also I should add that 3 weeks ago I politely asked if I could speak to my son on the phone every other day or so in the evening, and that request was ignored.

 

THAT is just so effing wrong and CRUEL.

 

Look, I talk with my kids on the phone every night when I'm not with them. EVERY night. If I didn't, I'd lose my goddamned mind.

 

This needs to change pronto, for you.

[marqueemoon4]

Yeah, I should be able to talk to my son a few times a week. Just more evidence she's a nasty person. So, I had taken my sons booster seat out of the car over the weekend because I had friends in town. I came straight from work and noticed on my way I had forgot to put it back in. I didn't think asking to use hers for the weekend would be a big deal but when I politely asked she rolled her eyes and made a big deal about it. She then asks me why I didn't have it in the car and I said thats none of your business. I felt anger and frustration welling up in me, and made a comment about oh yeah it such a big deal, geez.

 

She is so despicable. I wish I had just ignored her ridiculous behavior, I just have much animosity built up towards this person. She is obviously still trying to get under my skin.

[andyg99]

comments in BOLD

 

I hate things the way they are, I know in my heart I'll never be happy or even remotely satisfied with life this way...

 

you are wrong. and I think you are just venting and you know you are wrong

 

I appreciate people saying positive things but this is not a temporary situation, this is the next 13 years of my life. I am in big trouble, I love my son to death but I hate being a part time father and I hate that he'll never have a real family...

 

we all hate things - but this is your reality, you have to accept it for your son

 

I know it troubles him too. This is like a death sentence, the first thing in my existence that hurts me daily for over a year and I can't do anything to stop it. I feel completely helpless and completely alone.

 

you are not alone - you are giving her way too much power over you, this may sound harsh but she could give a rats behind about how you feel

 

How can a relationship that started off as nothing in 2002 turn out to be the biggest disaster of my life? How did I let this person in when I knew I shouldn't?

 

answer those questions after you heal

 

I have made huge strides and changed alot since she left. It means nothing to her.

 

so you did it for her, then you did it for someone who doesn't care... if you truly did it for yourself you wouldn't care what it means to her

 

This person has truly ruined my life, and I'm not being overly dramatic.

 

sorry, in a way you are - she did not ruin your life, sure your life changed but how many times in this thread have you YOURSELF admitted that she is no good! if you believe she is no good then SHE DID YOU A FAVOR!

 

The concept of family means nothing to her, though she led me to believe it was so important. The fact I'm his father never meant anything, I'm no more important than some stranger walking down the street, only difference is I pay her money every month and babysit "her" kid.

 

that's how many women like her think - is this the woman who is part of your 'dream' family?

 

I believe her 100%, she absolutely does not care, and this isn't a fog, or some type of confusion. I'm stuck with this permanently and there is nothing I can do.

 

what are you stuck with? you are divorced - as soon as you start moving forward you'll be that much closer to the day when you go back and read this and say 'wow - why did I let that b#$#ch get the best of me' - and you'll laugh while you say it!

 

Time isn't going to heal these wounds, they reopened constantly because of my son.

 

time will heal them - your son should remind you of all that is good, if you can't get to that point and your son keeps re-opening these wounds you need to talk about this with a professional

 

This is what every man prays he doesn't have to go through. There is no end in sight.

 

the end comes when you let her go

 

What goes around will not come around in this situation, and the shoe will never be on the other foot. This person is incapable of compassion or empathy and will put herself first over her child or anyone else.

 

sounds like someone who isn't worth one ounce of the effort you put into thinking about her

 

I can feign happiness over a job or meeting that girl, but really its all a front. I don't believe in "faking it until you make it" nor do I believe everything happens for a reason. This is all my mind thinks of. I don't know what needs to happen for that to stop or if it will ever stop. I'd like to think a therapist would help but after spending a good amount of time with two different ones I don't see that happening. I guess I continue on with this miserable existence.

 

find a therapist who can help - keep getting a new one until you connect. I'm sorry if I sound like a dick in my reply but I have followed your story and I am rooting for you!

 

For everyone one of us who HAVE healed and now have amazing lives I think hearing you give up is almost an insult! We have done it, our kids have gotten through a divorce and are fine! when I hear you giving up it's like your saying - 'don't tell me it'll get better - my situation is so much worse!' - guess what - I follow your thread and I see so many similar things that I went through... so I will tell you once again, man-up for your son and yourself - she doesn't care anymore! you have an amazing life ahead of you - please get another therapist. and most importantly - NEVER GIVE UP!!!!!

[andyg99]

She is obviously still trying to get under my skin.

 

most likely she is NOT trying to get under your skin - she is just being her self-centered self, pretty much the same person she has ALWAYS been... and I think you know that, and knowing that is one big reason she shouldn't occupy one second of your thoughts ever!

[debtman]

mm4,

 

Read those last few posts from andyg99 and wgw closely. Good stuff in there.

 

Craziness and insanity from her man. It sucks, but, at some point, you've got to accept it. She's so not worth it. Anyone who would throw away her family isn't worth being married to. And, she did it once, it's only a matter of time before she does it again.

 

Like andy said, she's trying to get under your skin...and you're letting her.

 

I used to think I'd never get over the hurt of losing my family and much of my kids lives because of a decision someone else made after they promised me the world and their loyalty. And, I may not ever completely get over it, but it gets easier every day. I still have moments, especially when she finally broke up with OM and told me she wanted to reconcile, that I missed what we had. But it's NOT worth it. I will NEVER subject myself or my kids to that again. Her loss...

 

You will move on. Life can be fantastic. Focus on yourself and your son. DON'T LET HIM GO! Don't let her tell you that you can't talk to him. That's another reason it's so important to be calm with her. So you can say things like "I don't think it's right that I can't talk to my son on days when I don't have him." and she doesn't see it as an attack.

 

I grew up as a child of divorce and only saw my dad for 3 months every summer. I have an amazing relationship with both of my parents. I wasn't the one that walked away from my marriage and family.

 

Keep at it man, your son needs you, you WILL recover from this and come out a better person...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[marqueemoon4]

I'm not giving up.... thats not an option. I was having a bad day, and realizing that if I'm going to somehow find happiness again I'm going to have to go against core values I have and was raised with. My heart and mind put this women above others because she is my sons mother. I know it doesn't make sense, but its true. This person has been bringing out the worst in me with her actions for the last 2yrs and I can no longer let her ridiculous behavior affect how I carry myself. I really need to start respecting MYSELF more and stop worrying about what she says and does. Its so not important, and if I really think about it I know I deserve far better than her. Honestly, the OM probably deserves better than her, but she has a way of making people believe she is something she is not. I have to stop giving her any type of attention, because that is what she wants, as much as she can get. This stems from her lack of self esteem and will always be an issue until she addresses it.

 

I don't know why it hurts me so badly that she treats me with such disrespect, obviously I don't deserve it and deserve to be loved and happy just like anyone else. I will admit I have a tendency to be immature and attack when I feel I am being disrespected and that is something I really need to work. Sometimes I also expect too much out of people, and rationalize it internally by telling myself I would do anything for my friends and family, and I would. There is no question, I do have a lack of self confidence and this divorce has blown this issue wide open. I think its also why I settled with someone who I knew was not on my level in any way and stayed with her for so long when I knew I should end it, well before our child was born and we got married. I fear rejection big time. But, I can improve these things and change my life for the better. I don't know if this is a question of "manning up" its more just loving myself and realizing the potential I have and all the positives.

[jaymz]

I'm not giving up.... thats not an option. I was having a bad day, and realizing that if I'm going to somehow find happiness again I'm going to have to go against core values I have and was raised with.

 

Not sure what you mean by this. The point is you need to find out who you are, going against your "core values" may not achieve this depending on what the values are. Even though you support arsenal and have bad taste in women , you know what is right, what is wrong and put your son first.

 

My heart and mind put this women above others because she is my sons mother. I know it doesn't make sense, but its true.

 

Makes perfect sense. I do the same. so have many others. Part of letting go is seeing who she really is and not wanting that any more. Its so much easier said than done. I am in the same boat and seeing my STBXW regaulary just does my head in...

 

This person has been bringing out the worst in me with her actions for the last 2yrs and I can no longer let her ridiculous behavior affect how I carry myself. I really need to start respecting MYSELF more and stop worrying about what she says and does. Its so not important, and if I really think about it I know I deserve far better than her. Honestly, the OM probably deserves better than her, but she has a way of making people believe she is something she is not. I have to stop giving her any type of attention, because that is what she wants, as much as she can get. This stems from her lack of self esteem and will always be an issue until she addresses it.

 

You know and understand this already

 

I don't know why it hurts me so badly that she treats me with such disrespect, obviously I don't deserve it and deserve to be loved and happy just like anyone else.

 

Because it is from someone you love who doesn't not love you at all anymore. It is very painful. To wake up one day next to the love of your life and be dumped with no remorse like yesterdays bad news? hurts real bad

 

I will admit I have a tendency to be immature and attack when I feel I am being disrespected and that is something I really need to work.

 

The opposite of love is indifference. It has taken me a long time but I am now at the stage where I just say no to the STBXW and when she asks why just shrug my shoulders. If she invites me to something and I cant go, I just say "I would love to but cant go."

 

 

Sometimes I also expect too much out of people, and rationalize it internally by telling myself I would do anything for my friends and family, and I would.

 

Real family and real friends are there to be lent on when times are bad and you should do so. Over the last 15 years I didn't need my family so much so didn't lean on them but when they needed me I was always there. This used to piss off my STBXW as she saw it as just one way traffic, never looked at the big picture. Since the STBXW and I have split up, my family have all been there for me as soon as I ask for anything, nothing has been too much hassle or effort.

 

There is no question, I do have a lack of self confidence and this divorce has blown this issue wide open. I think its also why I settled with someone who I knew was not on my level in any way and stayed with her for so long when I knew I should end it, well before our child was born and we got married. I fear rejection big time. But, I can improve these things and change my life for the better. I don't know if this is a question of "manning up" its more just loving myself and realizing the potential I have and all the positives.

 

I am very similar I think. I have low self confidence and fear rejection. I think I was more when I was younger but over the years it has all been eroded away by the STBXW to the point that I believe I have been very depressed over the last years and it probably contributed a lot to the break up. It got to the point where my confidence was so low, if we drove anywhere I had to check which route to take so I didn't upset her.... ridiculous eh? But at the time it all made sense to me as I wanted to make her happy all the time, no consideration for myself at all.

 

We are starting on a long journey, you and I, but unlike other people and certainly unlike our respective STBXW, we have guides on the way to help point us in the right direction. We also have those who are further along the path telling us that the mountain is not all up hill and good things await just around the corner. These guys post regulary and it has helped me a lot to see that, I just need to listen more and continue the journey.

[andyg99]

I don't know if this is a question of "manning up" its more just loving myself and realizing the potential I have and all the positives.

 

loving yourself, reaching your potentials, looking at the positive - sounds like manning-up to me...

[marqueemoon4]

ok, well not a big fan of that term. and really, I don't think I'm a being a wuss considering what this person has put my son and I through. thats the main reason I still have issues with this.

[andyg99]

ok, well not a big fan of that term. and really, I don't think I'm a being a wuss considering what this person has put my son and I through. thats the main reason I still have issues with this.

 

you're not a wuss - many of us have gone through the same thing and felt the same hurt and betrayal, we all heal at different rates, the only reason why I get on you to move forward is because of your son - you need to get out of the mud and get on with life! your happiness should not be based on anyone but yourself!

[marqueemoon4]

Had a great weekend with my son.. went shopping and found some great clothes I need for work (I know, selfish this time of year). Girl I went on the dates with continues to flake, cancelling another date today due to "a family emergency" yesterday. Might be legit but at this point she has rescheduled/cancelled 4 get togethers in a month. Sorry, I value myself more than that. I think I'm done with her.

 

In other news, I told my son to make sure to tell his mother he wanted to talk to me on the phone during the week. He said he tried last week but "mommy wouldn't listen, she said she doesn't like you". Again, my son is 4 so I don't know if I can believe him 100%, but it wouldn't surprise me. Also she has been telling him that "soccer is boring" because he talks about he and I watching matches together. And she says I'm immature? He also told me he has a tv in his room at "mommy's house". Who puts a tv in a 4yr olds room?? Again, she was raised completely wrong, hence why she fails as a parent.

 

Edit: she just txt me saying "please refrain from telling our son that I am mean. Thanks."

Edited December 12, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

 

Edit: she just txt me saying "please refrain from telling our son that I am mean. Thanks."

 

hopefully you didn't tell him that... if not then just ignore her....

[marqueemoon4]

I thought about it for an hour and responded with:

 

"Please refrain from forgetting to buckle our son into his booster seat when you are taking him to preschool. Thanks"

 

Again, going back to the title of this epic thread-- she said I was "immature" for talking smack about her loser BF. You know what? If she had been upfront about needing time off or leaving, waited until the divorce was final, met a guy who wasn't an obvious POS, and eventually moved in with him then I wouldn't have anything to say. She chose to lie, deceive, cheat, then shack up with a twice divorced loser. And REALLY you're surprised I feel the way I do? She's a joke.

[marqueemoon4]

I can't really put into words how sh*tty it feels getting destroyed by a 30yr old woman. That I put myself in this position. That I continue to feel like crap every day. That she couldn't be happier, and has everything the way she wants it and I'm left missing my son, on the hook for a large amount of child support, and emotionally crippled. That I'm stuck in VA when my dream was to get out of here in the next few years. That I'm probably going to have to walk away from my condo because I'm 3mos behind on the mortgage and totally upside down. That I forgot how lame the dating scene is, and how no one ever does what they say they'll do. That since she doesn't care at all she has the upper hand and uses it to her advantage every chance she gets. Not only did I never get the appreciation I deserved, I get THIS. That my son will continue to say I want mommy and daddy together, which will never happen. That I hesitated kicking her to the curb over and over before she got pregnant, but didn't want to hurt her and leave her that way because I knew how painful it was. That I got suckered into marrying a self professed "cold person" who "doesn't like sex". I deserve better than this fate.

[Gunny376]

This is a serious question.. I think this person thinks I should "respect" the fact she's with the POS she is with. You know what? If we decided to split, agreed to see other people, take some time off, and she happened to meet some nice guy then I think I WOULD respect her r/l. As it stands, she planned out an exit behind my back, manipulated me to get something to happen so she'd wouldn't have to feel guilty, acted horrifically selfish/entitled by having her pay for all her stupid bills etc.

 

Now I find out she was cheating with a coworker before she left and for awhile AFTER she left. This means she was cheating with this guy when we in the MC which was HER idea and she totally didn't care about. THEN, she drops this scrub cause he does the same job she does and makes NO money like she does.. she meets some complete scumbag who just split with his SECOND WIFE and she latches onto him. This dirtbag invites her to LIVE WITH HIM in less than 3mos, WTF?? I figure the whole thing out (minus the first guy she was cheating with) and she still lies about it over and over and over again. Spend big $$ to get a PI.. prove what I already know.

 

How in the HELL could I possibly "respect" her r/l with this loser? Its not possible, right? HELP.

 

This really isn't about nor does it really have anything to do with your respecting her nor who she's been with or who she's with.

 

This is about your self confidence and your self respect. As in how could she run off with these scumbags when she happens.

 

The answer is simply it happens and it has very little if anything to do with ~ it has with her lack of self confidence and self respect. It also has to do with you were just too much and too good for her.

 

Women like her? They most always trade down. Why I don't know ~ they just do.

 

The best thing you can do is just let her and the whole thing and get busy geetting on with you life Learn what lessons you can from what's happen and move on.

 

Or if that doesn't work you could become a .25 cent male prostitute ~ wino, sleeping in the rain and gutter, pissing and puking all over yourslef for six months until you get your self respect back? Its all about the same difference!

[Lexygirl]

MM4, why are you and your ex putting your 4 year old son in the middle of all of this? This is so unhealthy for him. He needs to be made completely oblivious to any and all anomosity between you two.

Kids are VERY observant and even the texting back and forth is not conducive of a calm environment.

 

 

If either of you are trying to alienate him from the other parent, all it will do is confuse him and make him hate the both of you in the long run.

 

He didn't ask to be put in the middle of this battle. He is way too young to even understand what is going on and what he needs most is a calm, stable relaxing environment wherever he happens to be.

 

If not for yourself, for your son, take the high road when dealing with her and don't even stoop to her level by texting back. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[marqueemoon4]

I do my best to make things stress free for him.. I never bring her up when he is around and I'm not the one who has him living with some scumbag. She won't even let me talk to him on the phone during the week which is pretty low. She has shown throughout this ordeal that she will use him to try and hurt me. I only brought up the child seat thing because his preschool teacher was concerned and told me. I actually take the time to talk to them.

[andyg99]

I only brought up the child seat thing because his preschool teacher was concerned and told me. I actually take the time to talk to them.

 

we need to be honest with ourselves more than anything - you wrote:

 

I thought about it for an hour and responded with:

 

"Please refrain from forgetting to buckle our son into his booster seat when you are taking him to preschool. Thanks"

 

it sounds like you brought that up in response to her text to you... yes, something like that does need to be discussed - but not as a reply to her nasty text to you - you both need to knock it off and I agree with Lexy, you need to take the high road here and never, ever fall for her BS because that is just who she is, you ARE BETTER THAN THAT!

[wilsonx]

I am going to jump on this ship a bit, if you want to take the proverbial high road then you have to let go. Both you and your wife are acting like spoiled kids. Your far enough out of this breakup that I can point blank tell you this. You are both playing childish games with each other hiding excuse for contact with something trivial.

 

You as a man need to stop the hate. I do not agree with this indifference crap. I dont care = same thing as ignoring. You spent how many years together. One thing I look at is big picture. When you post all these things about your ex and her new fiance, you're actually pointing out these flaws in yourself as you are looking in a mirror. As an outsider looking in, I can see it. Have you ever stopped and put yourself in your ex wife's shoes for a second and try to imagine her living and dealing with your actions on a daily basis? I am not blaming you and like you I understand what its like to be burned and filled with hatred but all this anger and hatred is YEARS of resentment that you built up while in a relationship with her. This amount of resentment towards her is your fault because you never took action to stop the resentment nor did you let it go and accept your wife for the person she was and not the actions she did

 

"Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man's true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place."

 

Do you want to have your son grow up and see this hate and resentment towards each other for the rest of your lives? You need to bury this hatchet with yourself. Say **** I messed up, I need to grow up and start doing the right thing for myself and my family. Then you need to bury the hatchet with your ex wife and be ****ing honest, tell her you care for her and love her but OUR childish behavior has to end and we need to start anew for our son. She will respect you for this. There is nothing she can say or do at this point but agree with you. Look her in the eyes when you do this, dont coward out by doing this with a text message or an email. Face to face. Face your fear

 

You do not teach or learn through hate, you teach through love. Think about it for a while.

[Lis007]

Hey there,

 

It must be rough missing your son during the week... can you go for shared care? 50/50 time with each parent?

 

Sometimes its probably better not to answer the texts back for your sons sake. Act with dignity and love for him he will appreciate and thank you for being a great Dad one day.

 

I can understand your anger over someone else living with your son... especially in the circumstances. You can choose to be the bigger person because the fact is that despite everything you are going to have to communicate with your ex for a very long time..

 

He will be so proud of his Dad and Mum if they are amicable and not like other kids parents who hate each others guts and make life miserable for everyone around them.

[marqueemoon4]

I am going to jump on this ship a bit, if you want to take the proverbial high road then you have to let go. Both you and your wife are acting like spoiled kids. Your far enough out of this breakup that I can point blank tell you this. You are both playing childish games with each other hiding excuse for contact with something trivial.

 

You as a man need to stop the hate. I do not agree with this indifference crap. I dont care = same thing as ignoring. You spent how many years together. One thing I look at is big picture. When you post all these things about your ex and her new fiance, you're actually pointing out these flaws in yourself as you are looking in a mirror. As an outsider looking in, I can see it. Have you ever stopped and put yourself in your ex wife's shoes for a second and try to imagine her living and dealing with your actions on a daily basis? I am not blaming you and like you I understand what its like to be burned and filled with hatred but all this anger and hatred is YEARS of resentment that you built up while in a relationship with her. This amount of resentment towards her is your fault because you never took action to stop the resentment nor did you let it go and accept your wife for the person she was and not the actions she did

 

"Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man's true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place."

 

Do you want to have your son grow up and see this hate and resentment towards each other for the rest of your lives? You need to bury this hatchet with yourself. Say **** I messed up, I need to grow up and start doing the right thing for myself and my family. Then you need to bury the hatchet with your ex wife and be ****ing honest, tell her you care for her and love her but OUR childish behavior has to end and we need to start anew for our son. She will respect you for this. There is nothing she can say or do at this point but agree with you. Look her in the eyes when you do this, dont coward out by doing this with a text message or an email. Face to face. Face your fear

 

You do not teach or learn through hate, you teach through love. Think about it for a while.

 

You make some valid points, and I absolutely DO realize alot of things I did wrong when we were together. Talking about starting anew, we had talked at length about this the day we got married, starting fresh and leaving any baggage behind. I paid off her cc and helped her get financially healthy and we took our vows in front of God. I asked her months ago why she agreed to marry me and this was her answer: "I thought you'd be nicer". And one of the reasons I married her was I thought it would make her less cold and distant. I cringe writing this because of how ignorant it is.. but its true. We had been together for 5yrs and had a little boy. I was comfortable with her but there were alot of issues. She cared way more than I did, and we both took each other for granted. We come from very different backgrounds, and I wasn't very tolerant of hers. Actually I was pretty insulting and judgemental about it and really distanced myself.

 

I do love her. I do miss her and I wish to God she missed us or cared at all so we could somehow work towards putting all this negativity behind us. But, she is "happy" and it has come at a huge cost to myself and my son. I accept there isn't a damn thing I can do about it, but there is no way I can not feel animosity towards her for taking the cowards way out and cheating and lying her way out of the marriage. She can label me abusive, and blame everything on me because it doesn't matter to her. So, believe me if I did what you are talking about wilson all I would get is a blank stare and her favorite line "I don't know what you want me to say".

 

I have tried countless times to "clear the air", "bury the hatchet", "make peace", without any mention of OM or getting back together and every time I've been shut down. "What would that accomplish?" she always says. As long as she is HAPPY she DOESN'T CARE. The fact I'm still so hurt and she knows I want her is just icing on the cake for her. My hands are tied.

Edited December 14, 2011 by marqueemoon4