How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[marqueemoon4]

Speaking of indifference an email I got from her last night:

 

 

"A couple of things:

 

Like I said before, you will get xxxx for a week, starting on Dec 25th at 12pm until Jan 1 at 6pm. Christmas weekend is supposed to be a long weekend for you and xxxxx but considering you will be getting him for a week, and it states in our papers that I am to get xxxxx Chirstmas Eve until Christmas day at noon, we can either do a short weekend, being that I would drop him to you that Thursday night at 6pm and pick up at 6pm on Friday or if you would like him Friday night, I could pick him up at 10am on Saturday (Christmas Eve.)

Since you will probably be working that whole week you have him, if you want, you could put him with Ms. xxxxxx. Her number is xxxxxxxxx. She has moved and I doh't have her new address available but if you need her, when you call her, just get her address then. She is still in xxxxxxx.

The following weekend will be a long weekend with me and xxxxx. You gethim for four hours that Sunday for his birthday. What time would you like him? Keep in mind I work 10-3 that day so if you want him in that time I am at work, my mom will have to drop him off to you.

This is all in the court papers if you have any questions.

Also, I would appreciate the child support when I drop him off to you this Thursday

 

Thanks

xxxxxx

 

 

 

Perfectly reasonable and business like, huh? Is this her taking the "high road"? Maybe. Most likely again she has everything exactly the way she wants it, and there is no reason for her to be upset about anything. She get him on Xmas eve and the morning until noon? Check. Another check for her? Yup. Her whole tone during the marriage and since she left is anything that sucks for me is not her problem, and anytime SHE needs anything and I don't comply then I obviously am a bad father who doesn't care about his kid. Did reading this email make my stomach churn? Of course it did.

[andyg99]

please read Wilsons post again...

[Tayla]

real simple action here to be taken-fight fire with water. Let her remarks slide off your back ....Get a third party liason, Someone you both agree on that is "fair" to the court order listings. Until you can BOTH MOVE on and stop the mind games,the heart will always interfere.

 

Her email communication is extremely in poor taste...She doesn't get to decide the babysitter whilst your son is in your care....she needs to abide by the custody order ,payment provisions and all. And no you are not a "bad" father...nor can you be....it simply doesn't exist...Poor choices or inappropriate comments are maybe character flaws...but a bad father...nope!

 

I am not about to go back and read all the comments and history...just wanted to wish you a more stable lifestyle devoid of her manipulative ways.

[updown]

hugs, K!

 

i don't have any great advice to offer right now. we have papers signed too, with very specific instructions regarding holidays and visitations, and right of first refusal and i'm still dealing with " negotiating" times and dates. it sucks.

 

you really gotta let it go. i don't know how to tell you to do it, but you have to. staying in this mind set, will rot your brain. it will eat you alive! the ONLY people you are hurting are yourself and your son....... you're not hurting her. staying this angry doesn't hurt her like it's hurting you.

 

get out of your head. keep moving forward and HUGS!!!!!

[worldgonewrong]

MM4: I can see why her email ties your stomach in knots. It's because she's doing this "I call the shots" bullsh_t. And guess what - my wife does the same thing.

 

The best thing is to let it roll off your back, seriously.

 

The other thing too is to realize that, at this juncture, ANY text/email communication you have with her is going to eat at you. In fact, you're so clouded (as I am) (naturally) that it will be easy to perceive negative intention behind every communication, so just be aware of that. I'm not suggesting you just let her off-the-hook every time, but I am suggesting that you be aware of whether or not she's just being straight-forward or [fill in the counter-adjective here]. It's tough, I know, because women like this play mindgames as easily as they breath.

[marqueemoon4]

MM4: I can see why her email ties your stomach in knots. It's because she's doing this "I call the shots" bullsh_t. And guess what - my wife does the same thing.

 

The best thing is to let it roll off your back, seriously.

 

The other thing too is to realize that, at this juncture, ANY text/email communication you have with her is going to eat at you. In fact, you're so clouded (as I am) (naturally) that it will be easy to perceive negative intention behind every communication, so just be aware of that. I'm not suggesting you just let her off-the-hook every time, but I am suggesting that you be aware of whether or not she's just being straight-forward or [fill in the counter-adjective here]. It's tough, I know, because women like this play mindgames as easily as they breath.

 

Its like they think HAHA you were stupid enough to knock me up and marry me, I don't like you anymore and I found someone else, now I own you for the next 13yrs. Not happening.

[marqueemoon4]

Oh, and for the record I went on a 3rd date with that other girl last night.. had a good time and spent $150 on a really nice dinner and promptly got friendzoned. I just have to laugh.

 

"I like you and you're really cute, and I feel comfortable with you already, just something is holding me back"

 

ok.

 

she's right about one thing though....

 

 

 

 

 

..wait for it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I AM really cute

Edited December 15, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[worldgonewrong]

heh heh, that's the spirit, MM4!!!

 

You: "I'm sorry, I spaced out after you called me cute. What else were you saying?"

[findingnemo]

Hey Maroon,

 

I've followed your thread religiously:). Now that you have a job and are getting stable financially, how about talking to your lawyer about a change in custody? You could look into babysitters in your area, day care and other activities. Basically do your research about how you could still work and have him half the week. Move closer to his school if you have to. All this planning can happen over say 3 months but first ask your lawyer what you need to do to make 50/50 custody more likely. Take your time planning so that you can enjoy your son without the stress of juggling work and child.

 

About her latest email. Play the game. I'm a woman dealing with a deadbeat dad. One of the things I've learned to do is to write very official sounding emails. The reason? Documentation. I will need those emails to convince the judge that I've done everything possible, been civil and polite, to get him to do normal things a father would do. He doesn't respond via mail. Just calls me and starts yelling. But I can use the mail to prove that I obviously had problems dealing with him and had to continually write him. That's what your xW is doing. She's up to something.

 

Regarding her attitude. She feels guilty and that's why she treats you like shyte. Every time you are nice to her it probably triggers anger in her because she KNOWS she messed up. Its not about love. Its more about wondering if she miscalculated her moves a bit. But that's her problem and frankly it is better for you that she is out of your life as a love interest at least. If she was kind and loving and selfless or anything nice, she'd treat you better, not give your son the impression that you are a bad person, and she'd be happy in her new R. She's none of that and this tells me she has major issues.

 

Try to get more time in terms of custody of your son, communicate via email and ensure you politely spell out anything she's doing wrong. Also make sure the judge sets out things like the time you pick your son up. This is only possible when you have 50/50 custody, I think.

 

Dating? Go out. Meet more girls. Don't let one girl get away with canceling 4 dates. You're on your way to happiness and contentment. Keep it up!!!

Edited December 15, 2011 by findingnemo

[marqueemoon4]

Thank you for your kind words and for taking an interest in my ordeal

 

I felt the same way when I got that email, like she is totally setting me up for something. I don't need to answer that email nor am I going to. She'll get her check like she always has and will continue to.

 

Its still too early to fight for 50/50... unfortunately I have 0 faith in my lawyer and don't really like the guy. Eventually custody will be revisited, in the mean time I would like to talk to my son during the week on the phone. She knows I want this and honestly I think her mission in life is to make sure I don't get anything I want. She does have major issues, I think she is living out some revenge fantasy with me playing the role of her deceased, abusive father. This guy was a real scumbag by all accounts, but I have to keep in mind this is coming from her and her mother who excel at blowing things out of proportion for their own gain. I made mistakes but I am an intelligent, GOOD person with alot going for me and I will continue to improve myself. Comparing me to that guy is downright criminal.

 

I almost feel sorry for them, and I definitely feel sorry for my son having to spend so much time around such dysfunctional people. Makes perfect sense why he never wants to go back to her.

[findingnemo]

Why do you think it's too early for 50/50? Is there a law about it?

 

I agree about your son growing up in that environment. That's why I'm thinking that you go for more custody. But if you can't apply for it now, then it's moot.

[marqueemoon4]

Why do you think it's too early for 50/50? Is there a law about it?

 

I agree about your son growing up in that environment. That's why I'm thinking that you go for more custody. But if you can't apply for it now, then it's moot.

 

There are some extenuating circumstances, but rest assured in time custody will be revisited.

 

I'm remembering the IM convo last week where she jumped all over me about the adjustment to the decree that was filed months ago. She was "infuriated" that her lawyer charged her $300 to goto court. She didn't know I had a new job. This whole thing has probably cost me $15k+ not including wages lost and my near perfect credit destroyed. She said "can you understand why this upsets me?" Like, she really had the GALL to ask for me to empathize with HER about some piddly $300. Honestly, I've never seen such gross selfishness. Then she tells me she has known about it for months. Ooook... and of course her attorney spun it as "he's trying to lower his child support". And of course BF took 30 seconds to type in my sons SSN on his insurance website at work and he should be up for a Nobel Peace prize, when I supported all of us COMFORTABLY for over 3yrs so she could sit on her ass every day watching the Price Is Right and go to Target and the mall 5 times a week. I cannot wait until this chick gets a dose of reality.. she didn't earn the quality of life I gave her and now shes suckered some other fool into doing it. Pathetic.

[marqueemoon4]

 

Do you want to have your son grow up and see this hate and resentment towards each other for the rest of your lives? You need to bury this hatchet with yourself. Say **** I messed up, I need to grow up and start doing the right thing for myself and my family. Then you need to bury the hatchet with your ex wife and be ****ing honest, tell her you care for her and love her but OUR childish behavior has to end and we need to start anew for our son. She will respect you for this. There is nothing she can say or do at this point but agree with you. Look her in the eyes when you do this, dont coward out by doing this with a text message or an email. Face to face. Face your fear

 

You do not teach or learn through hate, you teach through love. Think about it for a while.

 

Ok Wilson, AndyG, Lexy, whoever... I am ready to do this.. give me some help on what to say so I don't make things worse (if thats possible).

 

keep in mind:

 

1. for whatever reason I desperately want a 2nd chance to have my family back. I still love her and care about her and am still physically attracted to her. why I don't know.

 

2. the only time I see her in person is when we pickup/dropoff

 

3. she may be prego/engaged to this OM, she may not be either though, I don't know for sure

 

4. she immediately puts her walls up every time I open my mouth around her. she also thinks anything I say is to make her feel guilty about what she is doing

 

5. she pretty much hates me

 

 

So, with that knowledge, what do I say? HELP PLEASE.

Edited December 16, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Surfer203]

mm4: I am confused... you actually want this woman back after all that she has put you through?! I kind of understand, on some weird level I want my wife back. But think of all the destruction and hurt she has caused. To give her the chance to hurt you and your family again is risky. I stand by you with whatever decision you make, but man... think hard whether you should even entertain being with her again.

[marqueemoon4]

I still love her and she is my son's mother. She'll never want to be with me again and I have no idea why I still have such strong feelings for her, esp since its been 1.5yrs since she left and we've been divorced since July. So, I'm open to reconciliation but doubt very much she will ever be.

Edited December 19, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[jaymz]

Its a harsh email but it does show the level you need to be in communcating with her, just more factual and less demanding.

 

Ok Wilson, AndyG, Lexy, whoever... I am ready to do this.. give me some help on what to say so I don't make things worse (if thats possible).

 

keep in mind:

 

1. for whatever reason I desperately want a 2nd chance to have my family back. I still love her and care about her and am still physically attracted to her. why I don't know.

 

Totally understandable. I still feel the same way about my wife but those feelings are diminishing over time as I start to move forward with my life and time I spend with the kids. I guess we all move on at a seperate pace and I think I have had a lot of help from my STBXW behaviour that slaps me in the face everytime I feel like going back.

 

2. the only time I see her in person is when we pickup/dropoff

Was the same for me. We did attend the kids nativity plays together, a whole day. I was not looking forward to it but did it for the children, sure enough STBXW played up there too. Loads of advise about keeping NC, we cant and have to do LC and this will always make things harder the the BS.

 

3. she may be prego/engaged to this OM, she may not be either though, I don't know for sure

 

That is their problem now.

 

4. she immediately puts her walls up every time I open my mouth around her. she also thinks anything I say is to make her feel guilty about what she is doing

 

Everytime you see her it will make her feel guilty. I spoke to my sister about being the dumper and having kids (she dumped her LT BF as he wouldnt get a job to support his family and just played computer games all day), she said it used to tear her heart in two everytime she saw him come and take the kids away. She felt guilt for years after.

 

The walls are not going to come down unless something major happens. You need to just keep everything short, to the point and business like. Confirm everything in writing, my STBXW is now playing "you agreed this" mind game with me.... ergh!

 

5. she pretty much hates me

 

This is the treatment I have the most problem with. Yep 50% of the failed relationship was my fault but I never left, cheated with random strangers, kept her on a hook for months while looking for a replacement. Yet I am the bad one? THey hate for different reasons. Do the right things, keep you head up high and then their reasons are petty and pointless.

 

So, with that knowledge, what do I say? HELP PLEASE.

Its the hope that is keeping all those feelins going. Have to let it die as part of letting go. Her life is not your concern anymore, its your life and your son that is important. She should only be a good co-parent.

 

Its tough I know. We have all had different pressures on us due the situation we are in which we had no control. Its sad, its crap, its unfair, its hurtful, its betrayal, its crying for no reason at stupid kids movies, its just plain awful. Listen to the guys that have been there and come back to help guys like us. Priceless advise we just need to do.

[andyg99]

comments in BOLD

 

 

 

1. for whatever reason I desperately want a 2nd chance to have my family back. I still love her and care about her and am still physically attracted to her. why I don't know.

 

as much as it will hurt you need to counter those thoughts with this fact: she doesn't want you anymore - plus you have given dozens of reasons why she is no good for you in this thread, trust me on this - time will make those thoughts disappear

 

 

2. the only time I see her in person is when we pickup/dropoff

 

good - keep the conversation to something like "I'll drop him off Sunday at 4"

 

3. she may be prego/engaged to this OM, she may not be either though, I don't know for sure

 

it has already been said: that's her business now

 

4. she immediately puts her walls up every time I open my mouth around her. she also thinks anything I say is to make her feel guilty about what she is doing

 

you have no idea what she thinks, see my reply to #2...

 

5. she pretty much hates me

 

no - and this will be another harsh truth, she just doesn't care about you, her indifference is not hate it's her trying to live her life, she's the drama queen and you are just giving her bait anytime you talk to her, 100% to your son 0% to the ex, that is how it should be, don't make the same mistake as me and think they can change, just let her live her life...

 

 

.

[jaymz]

no - and this will be another harsh truth, she just doesn't care about you, her indifference is not hate it's her trying to live her life, she's the drama queen and you are just giving her bait anytime you talk to her, 100% to your son 0% to the ex, that is how it should be, don't make the same mistake as me and think they can change, just let her live her life...

 

What is the difference between hate and indifference?

 

From the inside they both look the same: stupid games, not being considered regarding the children, acting like a child, demands, power trips, showing off the OM etc etc

[updown]

i think there is a difference between indifference and hate. could i accurately put it into words and type it here? probably not.

 

i don't hate anyone. i don't hate my ex. but, i am indifferent towards certain people, him being one of them. i have forgiven him for everything that has gone down between us. i am pleasant with him. and i am nice to him ( no matter how mean he is to me). i encourage my kids to have a relationship with him. and if he needed MY help with something i would help him. not help in general, but something only *I* could help him with, i would. but, i don't really care about his feelings regarding things, nor do i care about his opinions regarding other things. i don't care what he does with his time or who he spends it with. i care about HOW he treats my kids, but not what they do when they're with him. that's HIS time with HIS kids, and i have no business micromanaging that.

 

i feel that if you hate someone you cannot forgive them. you cannot be civil with them. you ignore and pass judgements on them. you no longer care about them as an human being. i feel that when you're indifferent you still care about them has a human being, but you no longer let them affect the way YOU feel. and you no longer worry yourself with what's going on in their head or hearts or lives. when you're indifferent you probably won't be making judgements or rude comments about them, because you don't really care what they're up to.

 

that's just me though. i could TOTALLY be wrong. and i'm certainly not saying that being indifferent is OK. i just think it's different than hate. after a year of domestic violence counseling i came to realize that i just cannot worry about what everyone thinks of me or feels towards me. some people, i have to be indifferent about. doesn't mean i have to hate them though!!!!

[marqueemoon4]

I understand she is indifferent and doesn't care, mainly because of this OM. I just wonder if this is ever subject to change.. I can only speak for myself but I couldn't just not care about someone I was with for so long and have a kid with, but she may be able to. Permanently. Scary.

 

She text me yesterday saying our son is "very sick" and may have RSV. I researched online. She says he is on numerous medications. Obviously it upsets me to hear my son is not feeling well. I wish I could be there to help him.

Edited December 20, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

What is the difference between hate and indifference?

 

From the inside they both look the same: stupid games, not being considered regarding the children, acting like a child, demands, power trips, showing off the OM etc etc

 

actually they may look the same on the OUTSIDE... hate eats at a person, if she hated him she'd be thinking about him constantly, my guess is that when she is at home he rarely crosses her mind. She has a new life now - we can all agree that the way she went about to get that life was cruel and deceitful to her husband, but nonetheless it is her life and the OM has to accept that he is only a very small part of it because of their child...

[andyg99]

comments in BOLD

 

I understand she is indifferent and doesn't care, mainly because of this OM.

 

don't give her a pass - this is all her, being with him is her choice, leaving you was her choice...

 

I just wonder if this is ever subject to change.. I can only speak for myself but I couldn't just not care about someone I was with for so long and have a kid with, but she may be able to. Permanently. Scary.

 

look back at all the things you said about her in this thread, especially the things you said about her while she was still married to you, are you really that surprised about who she is and how she acts towards you?

 

She text me yesterday saying our son is "very sick" and may have RSV. I researched online. She says he is on numerous medications. Obviously it upsets me to hear my son is not feeling well. I wish I could be there to help him.

 

of course you wish you could be there - she did the right thing to keep you updated though... just give him extra love when you see him next

 

[marqueemoon4]

actually they may look the same on the OUTSIDE... hate eats at a person, if she hated him she'd be thinking about him constantly, my guess is that when she is at home he rarely crosses her mind. She has a new life now - we can all agree that the way she went about to get that life was cruel and deceitful to her husband, but nonetheless it is her life and the OM has to accept that he is only a very small part of it because of their child...

 

you may be 100% right.. our "family" may never cross her mind at all. she told me that was the case too. so, I believe her and you and accept she is a frigid, nasty person. I got duped. not much consolation.

[jaymz]

you may be 100% right.. our "family" may never cross her mind at all. she told me that was the case too. so, I believe her and you and accept she is a frigid, nasty person. I got duped. not much consolation.

 

She has a new family now which your now no more than a babysitter who pays her. Welcome to the club.

[jaymz]

Thanks Updown and Andyg for your definitions of indifference, I am certainly not there yet but hopefully on my way, also interesting to compare my STBXW behaviour too, its clear she is inbetween the two too but further along than me.

 

Apologies for any threadjacking.