How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[jstobo]

This life that has been forced on me and him is like asking a Republican to be a Democrat, or vice versa. ITS A LIE. My existence is a lie. I'm a broken 41yr old divorced man with a kid. I was tricked into this whole thing reassured that I would always have an opportunity to fix issues like a man. I paid my dues and earned so much better than this nonsense. Look at all these people on here upset because they lost their bf/gf of a few months ir a year. THAT is bad enough.. throw a kid into it and its 10000 worse. Some lowlife has taken my place? Trying to buy my sons affection? Taking pictures together as if they're a real "family"? As if this person earned that right. Its beyond sickening. You think I want my kid being influenced by this guy? He's the embodiment of everything I loathe in human beings. How can.this clown even front like he's anything to my boy? Cause out of desperation after his second divorce he "saved" my exw from living at her mother/stepdads house? There is SO much in this world I can let go. This is not one of those things.

 

So I guess I live a lie or suffer with the truth. Thanks for those choices Amanda, I really appreciate that. When you broke the news that you were a "cold person" a year after we were married you weren't lying. Everyday since separation has SUCKED. Every single day. I can't think of one day in the last 1.5yrs that was worth remembering. Honestly if I wouldn't hurt my family and son i would've checked out months ago.

 

My Dad left when I was 3. He was in and out of my life until I was 18. I met my step-dad when I was 8. He moved in shortly after I met him. Nothing, and I mean nothing, was going to change the fact that my Dad was my REAL Dad. I love my step-dad, but I do not have the father/son bond with him that I have with my REAL Dad. And like I said, my real Dad was in and out my life from 3 to 18. I'm 41 now and my Dad and I have an awesome relationship. You are regularly in your son's life. There is nothing this OM can do to change the fact that you are your son's REAL Father.

Nothing.

 

I know you are hurting about your ex-wife betraying you. I hurt too. No one is going to blame you for hurting, but there comes a day where you HAVE to see a positive life. You have to at least vision it, so that it can become a reality. You cannot let this woman destroy the rest of your life.

 

MM4, things can change for you in a blink of an eye. You may be watching football one day and realize how much you enjoy your freedom. You may be in a grocery store and a nice woman smiles at you and you think, I can actually talk to her if I want. You may be playing with your son and think how much you're enjoying the one on one time. There are so many great things that could happen to you. I am not 100% there myself. But I am starting to see so many positives. I'm still frustrated with the dating world, but I know there is a great person out there and I am so excited with the possibility of meeting them. I am really happy I have spent time alone to heal and another woman has not masked that pain. You will get through this as long as you don't give up.

[marqueemoon4]

No I'm stuck in this nightmare so I don't have an option to quit.

 

Interesting I asked his mother if she wanted to take my son on thursday since I have to work and she is usually off. She said oh I have to work can I take him out to dinner? Me, being the empathetic person I am said sure, I know how hard it is to be away from him. Well, I changed my mind. She wants things to be this way she can suffer through it like I do every other week. **** her and her scrub bf. See ya sunday.

[andyg99]

great post jst - mm, please listen to him... we are only given so many years on this planet, your son has a few more years of an innocent childhood - let him be a child, you are the man - no more hanging your head; enough of this "living a lie" BS, here's some truth, you have a son. you love him he loves you - that's a pretty freaking good start in my book...

[marqueemoon4]

You know, this mentality is EXACTLY why there are so many divorces and why people think its so much better to quit and f their kids up. Oh the kids will be just fine. BULL****. Oh everything happens for a reason. BULL****. This country is full of ****ed up dysfunctional people from broken homes. I bet you'd get along great with my exW, **** kids and marriage are a joke right? Gosh why try to work on.anything when you can get a divorce? You know why my exW is so ****ed in the head? Because she's a product of a broken, ****ed up home and apparently got 0 parenting as a child. Why follow through with your promises/oath to anyone, I just don't care and it all goes away. Nice coping technique. I wish I had the convenience of not being self aware and not hving a conscience. Oh hooray, I got my support check, time to go out and buy some UGGGGS. "Relationships" are a joke. At the end of the day people only care for themselves.

 

I spend hours with my son playing soccer, baseball and other sports with my son. You know what he says his favorite sport is? F-in basketball. You know why? Because OM plays once a week. Oh and his mom the chameleon who always hated basketball loves it now. What a f-in joke. This person is incapable of developing her own personality, she has to suck off whoever she is with.

Edited December 26, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

Oh the kids will be just fine. BULL****. .

 

well then, I must be imagining that my kids have grown into amazing young adults...

[andyg99]

 

I spend hours with my son playing soccer, baseball and other sports with my son. You know what he says his favorite sport is? F-in basketball. You know why? Because OM plays once a week. .

 

then buy him a basketball and play HIS favorite sport with him...

[andyg99]

ps - I'm only answering you the way I am because this is what someone did for me... every time I whined and said "can't" they'd give me a half a dozen reasons why I could... it's been too long now, let her go...

[marqueemoon4]

I think I'm finally realizing this site is nothing but empty cliches and nonsense. The only "happy" people out there are the ones most adept at lying to themselves.

 

I basically have one choice.. leave VA permanently and start fresh somewhere I want to be. I'll never be happy here under these circumstances. Never. I love my son but his mother is a c**t. She can have him, and he can assimilate into a carbon copy of ignorance and mediocrity like everyone on her side. And if he resents me for it, well he can thank his mom for it. He can turn into everything I can't stand in this world.. because thats what she is, her bf is, and every single person in her family is. Disgusting ignorant rubes. I'm not going to fight her brainwashing the next 13+ years. We were going to be a family that stuck together or we will be nothing. **** this in between bull****. **** picking him up in a parking lot and seeing that skank twice a week. Your welfare check is in the mail. You're a prostitute who gives it out to the highest bidder and who can't do **** for yourself and will always need to suck at some guys teet to live a lifestyle you don't deserve and never earned. Honestly, a plastic **** doll has more personality than you and is probably more satisfying.

 

If there is one day on this earth I curse its the day in 2002 I had the absolute misfortune of meeting you. And because your tummy hurt and you went off birth control in 2006 we brought a beautiful, sweet kid into this ****ed up world. He's about the only pure thing in our lives but you're hellbent on ****ing that all up too. Because you think you're more important to him? Please. You want control of him so he can be what YOU want him to be. I was on a positive path when I met you, graduated from college 6yrs earlier and had a job I really liked. My hard work was finally starting to pay off. You were living at your parents shack in Sterling (second worst city in NoVA) Barely made it out of hs, had absolutely nothing going for you but your looks (and tits) Oh, but you were so sad and so caring and you liked me so much. Oh save me save me older man! You treacherous harpy. So now you're sooo proud of yourself that you're a "licensed massage therapist" again. So proud you even had to put a sticker proclaiming it on your leased Corolla. The world is impressed, I assure you. Ohhhhh but wait.. Northern VA is reallllly expensive... oh my how am I going to be able to live on the big $24k a yr I make? Gosh, when I saw the commercial for being a massage therapist on tv while watching the Price Is Right they never mentioned THAT part. Hmmmm. What to do. Ohhhh yea I'll sucker some unsuspecting fool into thinking I love him and like sex so he can take care of me. Then when after years and years of him giving everything and getting next to nothing in return I'll just ignore him and frustrate him until he can't take it anymore he'll start being mean to me and I'll start cheating on him and plan my way out. Oh, and so I don't look like the hooker I am to people I'll label him as abusive and try to take his son away. K bye!

Edited December 27, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

Christmas is by far the hardest time for all of this.

 

The grief hit me harder this year then I ever ever thought it would and I don't even celebrate Christmas.

 

MM4, in all of the time we have talked etc. I know that you won't just leave your son behind.

 

In fact, most likely the reason there is so much grief is pretty much due to the fact you can't give him the childhood you want him to have and all of that power to do so has been taken away. Leaving him behind will not restore any of that.

 

I do agree with you that the kids are not alright after divorce. I think it is a societal push to "make it all okay" so we can do whatever we want regarding marriage. There is so much data to the contrary that it is ridiculous.

 

One thing that I have noticed about children of divorce (tendency here) is that often they are "people pleasers." Like they are lacking that sense of identity/security and they are more often likely to say what people want to hear instead of what actually is the truth. They do assimilate more often etc. Anyone can flame me over it, it is simply what I have noticed.

 

Probably the consequence of being shuttled between two homes or being the product of two parents who couldn't handle or work out conflict to the point where they could no longer be together. Most likely this would make the child conflict-avoidant over fear of losing a connection with a parent.

 

I strongly assure you that you do not want to leave your child behind.

 

At this point I can see my daughter for 4 hours a week. 4 hours.

I did not get to see her for Christmas Eve, Christmas and not until Thursday. I am not sure how I have been able to compartmentalize or function.

 

But not having my child with me has pushed me to the limits of coping and has made me so grateful for every small moment with her. She is my heart.

 

Your son is your heart too. Having your heart may be at a high cost, but without a heart you can't live. You might be able to flop around and go through the motions for a bit, but you can't live. Or not for long anyways.

 

Every day I do something for my daughter to connect me to her. I pick up pennies on the ground, even out of the slush to put into her college fund, I say a little prayer for her. I pack a little kit with her crayons, books, etc. so that she has nice things to play with when I get to see her. I decorate her space. Everything small I can do so that one day when she looks back she can see that she was so special to me and that even though we had to be apart for awhile, she was my heart.

 

I cannot predict what kind of relationships she will have or how she will live. The only thing that I have any control over is doing as much as I can to be able for her to see that she was the most special little girl in the world to somebody. That her mother was truly interested in her and her life.

 

If she were to die tomorrow, I would do things in her memory. If I was not allowed to see her at all, I would try to make the world she lives in a better place, just for her. It's what keeps me going day to day despite the pain, and overall, despite the distance and the pain, I can be happy knowing that I do what I can, and always will.

 

If one waits until one has the results one wants to be happy, one will rarely be happy. The world is full of hurt and madness and shame and pain. We have to be happy in the small things we can do.

 

We are truly entitled to nothing. If I were to have been born in a different place, I might have died in childbirth or my child might have died in infancy or she might have died last week. Although it would cause a hole in my soul, I could not give up a lifetime of happiness to it. I would almost be obligated to myself to find a way to be happy again.

 

Just because you are happy or give yourself permission to be happy does not mean that all that you went through or the people that you love meant nothing.

 

I will PM you when I have a little more time.

I think eventually you will hit rock bottom with being in misery. I think that it takes about 2 years.

 

ttyl

[marqueemoon4]

Your post is totally true. Unfortunately I had woken up with my son next.to me and rushed to delete everything I wrote but it was too late. damn. I know that child is my world. That rant and many other on this thread are pure grief and helplessness. I'm glad you are hanging in there, I know the hell you are going thru. hugs

Edited December 27, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[jstobo]

You know, this mentality is EXACTLY why there are so many divorces and why people think its so much better to quit and f their kids up. Oh the kids will be just fine. BULL****. Oh everything happens for a reason. BULL****. This country is full of ****ed up dysfunctional people from broken homes. I bet you'd get along great with my exW, **** kids and marriage are a joke right? Gosh why try to work on.anything when you can get a divorce? You know why my exW is so ****ed in the head? Because she's a product of a broken, ****ed up home and apparently got 0 parenting as a child. Why follow through with your promises/oath to anyone, I just don't care and it all goes away. Nice coping technique. I wish I had the convenience of not being self aware and not hving a conscience. Oh hooray, I got my support check, time to go out and buy some UGGGGS. "Relationships" are a joke. At the end of the day people only care for themselves.

 

I spend hours with my son playing soccer, baseball and other sports with my son. You know what he says his favorite sport is? F-in basketball. You know why? Because OM plays once a week. Oh and his mom the chameleon who always hated basketball loves it now. What a f-in joke. This person is incapable of developing her own personality, she has to suck off whoever she is with.

 

MM4 - Its important you realize that what I write is not a mentality that lead to divorce. Its an acceptance to the fact I can't control my STBX. I fought with all my power to save my marriage and I lost the battle. It was six months of denying my defeat and finally I accepted defeat. With defeat, I figured out how to cope. With coping, I figured out a way to find happiness. I'm in the new part of finding happiness. I'm not happy yet, but I'm not going down hill anymore.

 

You are really angry right now and no one can blame you. I'm going to be pissed when my STBX's OM teaches my son soccer. Apparently he played soccer in college. I played baseball in college. It all effing sucks. But I can't control the decisions she makes. All I can do is make sure my kids know I love them and will be there for them consistently. As I wrote before, there isn't a damn thing the OM can do to replace their real Father.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have had similar thoughts/rants before my situation became what it is. Sometimes the stress/grief just gets too much. When my situation progressed to what it is now, it snapped me out of that kind of thinking forever.

 

This may sound more snotty then it is meant to, but it actually is kind of complementary: if you were in the same situation, it would change that philosophy forever too. You do have the heart and mind of a great parent and are able to absolutely empathize with your son and want to protect him and his development. It's your nature. There simply isn't a way to get up and walk away from that.

 

I think a secret that most of us overstressed parents have is that at some point we all just want to drive away and leave all the pain behind, including sometimes our children who are constant reminders of what has gone wrong.

 

BUT they are also what is right in our lives, It would be like throwing away the priceless diamond because it got covered in dog **** instead of just washing it away and polishing it off.

[dreamingoftigers]

By the way. Many may not be able to recognize your rant for what it was and flame/shame you for it.

 

Guess that those people haven't been there.

 

I truly have had those moments myself and even said it to my husband. But truth be told, I would never have left my daughter behind with either him or my parents to be raised without me.

[Steen719]

By the way. Many may not be able to recognize your rant for what it was and flame/shame you for it.

 

Guess that those people haven't been there.

 

I truly have had those moments myself and even said it to my husband. But truth be told, I would never have left my daughter behind with either him or my parents to be raised without me.

 

I think most everyone recognizes pain when they see it. Unfortunately, most of us here recognize it as a familiar feeling.

[marqueemoon4]

I'm so tired of being in pain...... I just want to feel like a human being again.

[andyg99]

I think I'm finally realizing this site is nothing but empty cliches and nonsense. The only "happy" people out there are the ones most adept at lying to themselves.

 

!

 

I am happy - I was where you were once. My life is not a lie. I post to you for one reason: to let you know things can be fine, it is what you make it. Others here have basically told you the same thing, we are not brainwashed zombies who think divorce is wonderful and kids will be 100% ok with it. There will be issues, but they can come through it and be just as well adjusted as a kid who grows up in an intact family.

 

I know you were just venting, this place is good for that. You need to start moving forward and make goals that include your son. Your ex has zero power over you, sure she still will be raising your boy but make sure YOU have influence over his upbringing too.

 

I had a wonderful Christmas - I had my kids with me on Christmas eve and day. I also had my "4th child" (read my story for the background). This was her first Christmas without her mother. On the outside she had a good time but I know for sure her mom must have crossed her mind a few times. I made sure she had the best time she could have. Make 2012 the year you leave your ex behind, truly make your son your #1 priority. I know you'd jump in front of a train for him if you had to, don't just be willing to die for him, be willing to LIVE for him....

[marqueemoon4]

truly make your son your #1 priority. I know you'd jump in front of a train for him if you had to, don't just be willing to die for him, be willing to LIVE for him....

 

That is very profound.. and makes sense.

 

I think my brain fights the notion that children can grow up well adjusted coming from the divorce. I never would want to subject him to an unhealthy environment full of conflict and unhappiness. On the same token there is no possible way you can tell me kids don't miss out on alot because of it. And as parents we will both miss out on alot of his life, me more than her. The finality of knowing this is the way it will probably be for years to come is insanely depressing. And Andy, everyone is not like you, you obviously are very strong.

 

My insides tell me over and over that I deserve another chance, and the fact I am at her mercy for that makes me feel extremely vulnerable and helpless. I've never been in such a powerless position before with so much at stake.

Edited December 27, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

That is very profound.. and makes sense.

 

I think my brain fights the notion that children can grow up well adjusted coming from the divorce. I never would want to subject him to an unhealthy environment full of conflict and unhappiness. On the same token there is no possible way you can tell me kids don't miss out on alot because of it. And as parents we will both miss out on alot of his life, me more than her. The finality of knowing this is the way it will probably be for years to come is insanely depressing. And Andy, everyone is not like you, you obviously are very strong.

 

My insides tell me over and over that I deserve another chance, and the fact I am at her mercy for that makes me feel extremely vulnerable and helpless. I've never been in such a powerless position before with so much at stake.

 

I am only strong now because of the work I put in. Many of us, including me, were exactly where you are now.

 

I think the last thing you want is another chance with your ex - look what she has put you through... why should you even think about giving HER another chance? honestly now - do you think your son would be better with you AND her together and miserable? besides she has moved on... we only have the power to control OUR acts and OUR thoughts, nobody should ever have power in a relationship...

[marqueemoon4]

I believe things could be much better. My son and I are alone in that belief. I was very ignorant the 2.5yrs we were married. I took them for granted. I've learned the hard way.

 

Andy I don't remember your story Andy.. did your ex wife jump into another relationship almost immediately?

Edited December 27, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

I believe things could be much better. My son and I are alone in that belief. I was very ignorant the 2.5yrs we were married. I took them for granted. I've learned the hard way.

 

Andy I don't remember your story Andy.. did your ex wife jump into another relationship almost immediately?

 

please don't put you and your son on the same level - he's 4 years old!!! if he wants things to be better it's only because he sees that you are not happy...

 

yes, my ex had an affair, got married and 15 years later got divorced...

[marqueemoon4]

omfg.. the cold hearted nightmare is at it again... I had told her a few days ago my son would be on my insurance as of Jan 1 (which he is signed up for as of now). I even said please tell Ben (OM) thanks for covering him the last few months. The douche OM has been paying it the last 3 months as COBRA was $900. She txts me today:

 

her: about health insurance. We won't be taking xxxxx off of our insurance. So the two options are that xxxxx has double coverge if you put him on yours.

 

her: maybe you could add a few extra dollars to child support to cover his coverage on our insurance.

 

me: are you serious

 

her: Yes. I know you are not required to pay extra for health insurance but I just figured I'd ask. It's something your dad had mentioned before (?)

 

her: but we are not dropping him

 

me: we, lol

 

me: "our insurance"

 

me: "mommy's house"

 

her: Yes.............

 

me: apparently there is no one on your side to tell you how ridiculous this is

 

me: but if Mr. Desperation wants to continue paying insurance on my son to impress you, thats his choice

 

me: he'll never be anything to xxxxx no matter how much he tries to buy his affection

 

her: thats not the case at all. I'm just telling you what the facts are. He's not doing it to impress me. He just wants to make sure we are all taken care of.

 

me: awe, he's such a sweetheart. xxxxx is taken care of, thanks.

 

me: and has been since the day he was conceived

 

her: Well we just want to make sure so we will keep him on our insurance. I have to get back to work.

 

me: I hope you guys get married. 3 divorces by 40 would be pretty impressive.

 

me: And if you can't see what you are doing to xxxx and I is beyond evil, I sincerely feel sorry for you. No one deserves this.

 

 

Also, keep in mind I have my son for the whole week.. the longest I've had him since the separation. On xmas I had asked her if she wanted to take him during the day on thursday during the day since I have to work and I was trying to be nice. She said "i can't I picked up a shift at work " Can I take him out to dinner one night this week? Me being the p**sy I am was like yea thats fine, i know how hard it is being away from him. Sooo, she and OM took him to Olive Garden last night. Classy. Then this nonsense.

 

I can honestly say I've never seen a more disgusting human being in my entire life. And, Andy or whoever, feel free to flame me for what I said, I am a human being and this chick does whatever she can to inflict emotional pain on me. She knows how to hurt me and does it every time.

[Surfer203]

mm4: You need to limit the amount of communication with her and if it is something you guys HAVE to speak about, keep it short and sweet. That's all. Don't fight with her, don't put her down, don't do anything but answer politely in your best interests. That's all she gets, she doesn't deserve anything from you at this point. For your own sanity, don't push it, don't egg her on. Just drop it. Be mature and take care of what needs to be taken care of, no more no less.

 

Also, 3 divorces???? She has been divorced before you guys?

[marqueemoon4]

mm4: You need to limit the amount of communication with her and if it is something you guys HAVE to speak about, keep it short and sweet. That's all. Don't fight with her, don't put her down, don't do anything but answer politely in your best interests. That's all she gets, she doesn't deserve anything from you at this point. For your own sanity, don't push it, don't egg her on. Just drop it. Be mature and take care of what needs to be taken care of, no more no less.

 

Also, 3 divorces???? She has been divorced before you guys?

 

No. Scumbag has been divorced twice. He's 36 or 37. For a Naval Intelligence Officer (reserves) he doesn't seem that intelligent. Her and I have only been married once. I'm not gonna lie, its crossed my mind of notifying his CO that he was cohabitating with and committing adultery with a legally married women. I never did get much value for that $3k I spent on the PI. I'd love to see him lose his clearance (TS/SCI/poly) and whatever else. Would serve him right... but they probably wouldn't do anything.

 

They must've had a magical Christmas, this whole "we" thing is new. Dude is still too much of a p**sy to show up with her on any of the dropoffs, swim lessons, etc. I wish I could post my true feelings here, but I won't. I'm finally at the point of purely hating her and I don't every want anything to do with her ever again. Unfortunately, thats exactly what she wants.. so yet again I will give her something with 0 reciprocation. Same way its been since I met Ms. Fix A Hoe. And I sure as hell won't be doing her any favors like last night again. Fooled yet again.

 

The main problem here is she can get to me by using my son, its a major weakness and she knows it. There is nothing I can say or do that matters to her. Nothing. She has the emotions of a serial killer.

Edited December 28, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[jstobo]

Oh man...I have had those type of text exchanges. The part that sucks the most is, I don't get the response I'm looking for and it doesn't make me feel any better. I still have arguments in my head that I want so badly to make a reality. But I fight it now and I've gone a couple of weeks without that type of interaction with her and it was two months before the last one. So I'm getting better and I feel better because of it.

 

Your ex is being very cruel with the we and our crap! She does not deserve your emotion and attention. Hopefully she is a good Mom, but she was NOT a good wife to you. All of us here wishes our marriages worked. I wish with all my heart, mine worked. I'm always thinking what I could have done different. But at the end of the day, I can only control me. For my marriage to work, I would need her try as well. Unfortunately, she threw me away. Your Wife threw you away and it SUCKS big time! The sooner you let go, the sooner you will start to feel better.

 

I get kind of criticized for my attitude about this, but I know in my heart you'll get better, because I felt the exact same way you do now. I was as low as all of you have described. I am angry and bitter still. But I can't help but recognize the depression, anger and bitterness isn't as bad as one year ago. So I am positive I will find happiness again! You will find it again in your time. No one else can force happiness on you. But in your time, it will come.

[marqueemoon4]

Dude, this is like her standard twist the knife in my heart more purposely. I've never seen anyone deserve to have karma destroy them in my life. Continue to put this clown on a pedestal and debase me. What goes around will come around for you honey.

 

And this after I go out of my way to let her see our son on my time?! When we fought I'd say she's an ingrate. I never in a million years knew how right I was. I CAN'T BELIEVE I SPENT 8YRS OF MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS!!!!

Edited December 28, 2011 by marqueemoon4