Jump to content

How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??


Recommended Posts

  • Author
marqueemoon4

My entire adult life.. whether it be friends, girlfriends, or the exW if there is any conflict its ALWAYS me who has to apologize, explain myself, and try to repair things. There have definitely have been times its been entirely my fault, but even when both sides were at fault no one ever will take ANY responsibility or apologize, and if they do its always after I had to take responsibility. I don't know if I just hang around bad people or what, all I know is I usually seem to care about the friendship or r/l more than the other person. People would always rather walk away then accept any fault. It's really disheartening, and just seems to repeat itself over and over.

Link to post
Share on other sites
My entire adult life.. whether it be friends, girlfriends, or the exW if there is any conflict its ALWAYS me who has to apologize, explain myself, and try to repair things. There have definitely have been times its been entirely my fault, but even when both sides were at fault no one ever will take ANY responsibility or apologize, and if they do its always after I had to take responsibility. I don't know if I just hang around bad people or what, all I know is I usually seem to care about the friendship or r/l more than the other person. People would always rather walk away then accept any fault. It's really disheartening, and just seems to repeat itself over and over.

 

This is you being the nice guy. Stop being it. Stop apologizing and explaining yourself and trying to repair things. If you are right you are right. I get in arguments with even my friends sometimes and when I know Im right and they wont STFU, i pull myself out of the argument and walk away. I never say I'm sorry and my friends actually respect me for this. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in like this thread. Don't ever apologize unless you crashed someones personal boundaries. Other then that, its all about you and not your friends, your ex or anyone else except your son.

 

I love this thread, I subscribed to it and read it everyday. Only 2 threads I have ever subscribed to yours and the GIGS one I am taking over from homebrew. The second you start standing up for yourself in reall life like you do in this thread, I assure you you will be 100% better man. You have no concept of how tempted i am to contact you in a couple months and grab a beer with you once I get my IT stuff finished and start applying for jobs up in northern VA

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4
This is you being the nice guy. Stop being it. Stop apologizing and explaining yourself and trying to repair things. If you are right you are right. I get in arguments with even my friends sometimes and when I know Im right and they wont STFU, i pull myself out of the argument and walk away. I never say I'm sorry and my friends actually respect me for this. Stand up for yourself and what you believe in like this thread. Don't ever apologize unless you crashed someones personal boundaries. Other then that, its all about you and not your friends, your ex or anyone else except your son.

 

I love this thread, I subscribed to it and read it everyday. Only 2 threads I have ever subscribed to yours and the GIGS one I am taking over from homebrew. The second you start standing up for yourself in reall life like you do in this thread, I assure you you will be 100% better man. You have no concept of how tempted i am to contact you in a couple months and grab a beer with you once I get my IT stuff finished and start applying for jobs up in northern VA

 

yea man, like I said hit me up.. I'm in the IT field (network engineer) too if you need any help or advice.

 

its not that I'm a nice guy its that I CARE about certain people. apparently thats a curse.. and if you just look out for yourself first and foremost you're a selfish prick, but now people are saying oh thats what you need to do. **** is confusing. all i know in ALL my interpersonal relationships (i majored in this sh*t in college btw) I'M wrong, I'M not worth working things through with, and IT'S all my fault. I feel like the only person I can trust and who loves me for ME (and make no mistake about it, there is alot to like about me) and NOT judging me unfairly is my son. honestly, I think he's more intelligent than a lot of adults.

Edited by marqueemoon4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4
MM4 -

 

I have read your thread and followed your story. I know you have been deeply wounded by the actions of your ex-wife, and you have every right to be. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take your pain away, but I can't. When you go through a divorce with a child involved, and it wasn't your decision to end things, it is going to take quite a bit of time to heal from such a shattering experience. So I would never tell you to "get over it" or some other trite remark. But in reading your thread, I think you are getting stuck focusing so much on your ex wife's behavior and nature. When you've been mistreated, getting righteously angry is an important and necessary emotion to feel when it comes to healing. But the danger is that you can get stuck there, and end up becoming permanently bitter, cynical and jaded. If that happens, you can forget about ever being happy again, or having somebody to share your life with again. I have no doubt that your ex wife is all of the bad things that you have ascribed to her, but bitterly focusing on it isn't getting you anywhere, is it?

 

Serenity is when we stop asking others for what they cannot give us. Fighting acceptance is fighting reality. There are certain situations, things and actions of others over which we are powerless. Life isn't always fair and kind, even to those who most deserve it. Focusing on what could be or could have been will unnecessarily make us sad. When we focus on others and things we cannot change, we do so to the detriment of focusing on ourselves. Acceptance gives us choices. And when we have choices, we don't put all of our happiness eggs in one basket. Acceptance does not mean we like, condone or sanction what has caused us pain and disappointment, but it restores power to us by giving us choices over how we will react and cope with it.

 

We are hurt when we love and trust people who ultimately show themselves to be unworthy of that trust. We blame them for letting us down and hurting us, when it was in fact our choice to continue and repeat the cycle and the pattern of wanting our expectations to be met after it was made clear that the other person cannot and will not meet those expectations. Blame is focusing energy away from what we can control to what we cannot. It is an abdication of our responsibility to focus on what is within our power to change. Blame is also a way of avoiding uncomfortable feelings.

 

Wanting things to be different is a waste of energy that could be better put to use on things we have power over. As long as we are wishing for things to be other than what they are, we are putting off and refusing any chance to be happy until that wish is granted. We first become aware of new realities, and this can be extremely painful. It is easy to feel good, pleasurable feelings, but it is not so easy to feel painful, uncomfortable ones. This awareness can only lead to Acceptance. There are a lot of different things to accept besides a relationship dynamic that has changed against our wishes. We also have to accept that old coping methods for dealing with life's problems are not suiting us well. Acceptance is also taking things as they are, instead of a stubborn and irrational willfulness when it comes to continuing to insist that our expectations be met. There is freedom in surrender.

 

GP- thanks for taking the time for writing this out.. and its all true. i guess I have to surrender to all the hypocrisy, dishonesty, and selfishness that is around me right now without doing it myself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4

holy sh*t!

 

all of MSWS's posts are gone from this thread.. I just noticed this rereading the first couple of pages. Did he get banned or something? if so that sucks, dude is funny.

Link to post
Share on other sites
worldgonewrong

That's odd.

I wonder if and why he got the boot, if that's so.

Otherwise, maybe he deleted his account? I dunno.

He will be missed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
worldgonewrong
I dunno, some of his posts got pretty foul. haha My guess is he was booted.

 

Yeah, if you start throwing the C-word around cavalierly and getting yucky-graphic, that'll most likely do it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4

I dunno.. I didn't see anything he posted that was ban worthy. ah MSWS, you will be missed.

Link to post
Share on other sites
starting2wakeup

I'm pretty sure MSWS got the boot. As I recall he at one point talked about sticking a body part in a Big Mac (or maybe it was a Whopper) and then offered to "bang" DOT. She laughed it off but I'm pretty sure that's enough to get you banned.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4
I'm pretty sure MSWS got the boot. As I recall he at one point talked about sticking a body part in a Big Mac (or maybe it was a Whopper) and then offered to "bang" DOT. She laughed it off but I'm pretty sure that's enough to get you banned.

 

LOL!

 

legendary stuff.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Honestly, I don't run with a bad crowd and I am not calling him bad necessarily but for some reason, I think me and that guy would be best friends in real life, haha.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4
Honestly, I don't run with a bad crowd and I am not calling him bad necessarily but for some reason, I think me and that guy would be best friends in real life, haha.

 

yea, I'd definitely go out drinking with him for sure... lol

Link to post
Share on other sites

hey MM, have you ever thought of applying the 3 strikes rule to your relationships ( all relationships) in your life? i had some amazing eye opening counseling last year, and this was something i adopted and now apply.

 

you give someone 3 strikes, then they're out. for example, you invite someone to do something with you 3 times and they say no all 3 times, then you no longer ask. or, if someone hurts you 3 times and you ask them to stop each time, then they're out. or, if you ask someone to stop doing or saying something, and they don't. 3 strikes, they're out.

 

it doesn't mean you are mean to them. or your ignore them. it just means YOU no longer put yourself out there first for them. or, you don't rely on them emotionally or physically.

 

it's not mean, or rude. it's self preservation. my friend and i call it 'weeding.' we weed out those that are damaging to us. and sometimes it is family members. but, counseling helped me see that just because you're related to someone doesn't mean they get to do whatever it is they want to do. i was ALWAYS the one apologizing ALWAYS, and 9 out of 10 times i wasn't the reason for the issues/ fights in the first place. i can now see the insanity that i deal with, with regards to certain family members and instead of engaging or apologizing or crawling back, i can now LAUGH!!!

 

if you're not currently talking with someone, it might not be a bad idea to start. they can give you ideas and suggestions on how to deal with all sorts of people in your life!

 

also, if you have your son at all between now and sat night, the loudoun county fair is going on. he might have a lot of fun seeing all the farm animals.........

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4

updown, yea thats a good idea. i HATE being the one to try and get together with a supposed "friend" and they constantly have something more important to do.

 

my friend i bought my motorcycle from, one of the reasons I got it was obvioulsy to get back into something I love, but also was looking fwd to riding with him like we did back in the day (02/03/04). he pitched it like that too. since i bought the bike from him we've rode twice.. one time for like an hour, and another time up to a bar from his place. I've probably asked once a week and he's declined every time. not asking again.

 

I have my boy tonite at 6pm until tomorrow at 6pm.. might have to check out that fair. he'd definitely enjoy it.

Edited by marqueemoon4
Link to post
Share on other sites

it's hard the first couple times you do it. and it hurts too sometimes. but, in the end you save a little bit of yourself each time you make that conscious choice!

 

tonight there is a firefighter demonstration and a live rodeo!! we're going saturday. we have ice skating lessons tonight ;-)

 

get out on that bike and just ride! ride up to skyline drive! take some serious "me" time! bet your butt if i had what YOU have, i'd be out there. just being.....

 

have you seen the movie " one week?"

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4
it's hard the first couple times you do it. and it hurts too sometimes. but, in the end you save a little bit of yourself each time you make that conscious choice!

 

tonight there is a firefighter demonstration and a live rodeo!! we're going saturday. we have ice skating lessons tonight ;-)

 

get out on that bike and just ride! ride up to skyline drive! take some serious "me" time! bet your butt if i had what YOU have, i'd be out there. just being.....

 

have you seen the movie " one week?"

 

 

good advice as always.. I dunno about Skyline Dr, it gets a bit dicey up there :) I have not seen the move One Week. Its good?

 

SANITY CHECK TO WHOEVER:

 

for the record-- its cheating if your spouse leaves under duress and is banging some coworker of hers within days of leaving and there is no agreement to see other people, right? opinions please.

Link to post
Share on other sites

for the record-- its cheating if your spouse leaves under duress and is banging some coworker of hers within days of leaving and there is no agreement to see other people, right? opinions please.

 

of course it is...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4

thanks for the reply Andy.

 

 

well, the dominos just won't stop falling.. got let go from my job today. have no idea what I'm going to do.

Link to post
Share on other sites
worldgonewrong

well, the dominos just won't stop falling.. got let go from my job today. have no idea what I'm going to do.

 

oh sweet f*ck...:eek:

 

If there's a slight hope, it's that the decision to let you go had ZIP to do with the personal stress you've been under this past year and recently with the divorce.

 

So so sorry, mm4.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thats **** man, the stbxw has caused a lot of problems for me too at work. Hopeing to keep the job atleast until i get the house sold.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
marqueemoon4
oh sweet f*ck...:eek:

 

If there's a slight hope, it's that the decision to let you go had ZIP to do with the personal stress you've been under this past year and recently with the divorce.

 

So so sorry, mm4.

 

No, my performance went downhill pretty bad since she left. I finally got back on track then some other **** happened. It's my fault I couldn't keep all this personal **** from f-ING things up. I really have let my son down.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...