How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[marqueemoon4]

Craig you've pretty much nailed it.

 

It doesn't matter how much you've changed or how much its hurtful to the kid(s).. they're going to do what they want. For some unknown reason everything is about blame/guilt to women.. you can be as real as humanly possible but they don't want to hear it. If they're "happy" they take anything you say positive or otherwise as trying to bring them down. It defies all logic, but there is nothing you can do unfortunately. This is a design flaw between males and females, and I assume its been going on since prehistoric times.

 

Men only seem to learn after they've lost everything.

[worldgonewrong]

What gets me is the weird imbalance -

 

men can prostrate themselves and correct every petty wrong in the book; this then is equated as "pressure".

 

meanwhile women can get on bended knee and ask for forgiveness, and men seem pretty amenable to forgive and forget.

 

I think that cuts across in female-female & male-male friendships too.

Women seem more apt to disconnect from female friends if they've been wronged;

guys pretty much brush it off and keep rolling.

 

Yes, I'm making SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS. Sorry. I'm basing this on my own experience/observations.

[marqueemoon4]

The only good take away for me from all this? I will NEVER, ever have anything but the most casual of relationships with men ever again, want an easy lay?

 

While I would prefer a healthy, loving relationship there is always a time and place for an easy lay. Just sayin'.

[Steen719]

 

Now he gets $2,750 per month for life plus full medical & co-pays. He's off enjoying life with a woman 22 yrs my junior.

 

Crap, SS, how long were you married? Why is this payment for life. What crap!

[Craig2425]

What gets me is the weird imbalance -

 

men can prostrate themselves and correct every petty wrong in the book; this then is equated as "pressure".

 

meanwhile women can get on bended knee and ask for forgiveness, and men seem pretty amenable to forgive and forget.

 

I think that cuts across in female-female & male-male friendships too.

Women seem more apt to disconnect from female friends if they've been wronged;

guys pretty much brush it off and keep rolling.

 

Yes, I'm making SWEEPING GENERALIZATIONS. Sorry. I'm basing this on my own experience/observations.

 

I agree with this.

Pressure, hahaha. Is there some book out there like a guide of things to say when you leave or cheat? They all day the same thing.

It's all a bunch of bs! They just don't want to deal with what they're doing.

 

I'm not worried about what she's doing anymore, I wish I could get my kid when she wants to party it up( I would almost have my kid full time). I would have worried in the past but I've had some time to think about stuff and I feel good about what I've done and doing.

My daughter will know one day that I tried and gave it my all and I hope respect that.

[updown]

i think it depends on the personalities of the men and women, more than anything else. i know during my marriage i often felt like i was chasing my husband. asking for forgiveness and acceptance over many things. i did i felt i was following him around like a lost puppy dog, and he would NOT forgive nor forget. he would tell me i was pathetic and annoying and to stop begging him. so, i do think it depends on the personality.

 

me, i'm quick to forgive. but, i have learned through my life that i don't need to forget and automatically let that person back into a position to hurt me again. forgive them, yes. i do that. willingly and graciously. but, i will let them re-earn the level of trust we once had. i am willing to forgive MANY MANY things!!!! and even acknowledge my role in the situation and apologize if *I* need to!

 

there are times you need to hold a person outside your inner circle. mainly, for self preservation. if someone deeply hurts you, it's normal to not want them to do it again. and it's ok to make them re-earn your trust. you don't have to welcome them back with open arms and let them in at the same level they left at. but, holding grudges and being bitter, it does far more damage to YOU ( general you here) than it does to the person you're angry with. usually it doesn't affect them in the least bit. they just continue to move about their life..........

[soserious1]

Crap, SS, how long were you married? Why is this payment for life. What crap!

 

3 reasons

 

1. he was a house husband throughout the marriage- the courts like to continue the precedent the couple constructed during the marriage

 

2. He's over 55.. the magic age where people are generally no longer expected to retrain/rehab to acquire new job skills

 

3. He has a hx of back problems

 

The combination of the 3, plus the fact that I'm a fully employed professional in good health led the judge to say that while he seriously felt my pain that the state could not let me walk away from a dependent spouse as it would result in a serious risk to the taxpayers who would then be charged with providing support and ongoing medical care for him. Basically because I was stupid enough to marry him,I was on the hook to continue supporting him, his marital conduct didn't factor at all into the court's decision on this.

 

Unless he remarries, he's got the golden ticket

Edited September 3, 2011 by soserious1

[soserious1]

While I would prefer a healthy, loving relationship there is always a time and place for an easy lay. Just sayin'.

 

Well around here there is NEVER a time that's appropriate for a so called "loving relationship" I frankly cannot afford to pay off another man.

[carson2002]

3 reasons

 

1. he was a house husband throughout the marriage- the courts like to continue the precedent the couple constructed during the marriage

 

2. He's over 55.. the magic age where people are generally no longer expected to retrain/rehab to acquire new job skills

 

3. He has a hx of back problems

 

The combination of the 3, plus the fact that I'm a fully employed professional in good health led the judge to say that while he seriously felt my pain that the state could not let me walk away from a dependent spouse as it would result in a serious risk to the taxpayers who would then be charged with providing support and ongoing medical care for him. Basically because I was stupid enough to marry him,I was on the hook to continue supporting him, his marital conduct didn't factor at all into the court's decision on this.

 

Unless he remarries, he's got the golden ticket

 

So what if you retire? surely the courts can't make you pay what you haven't got?

[soserious1]

So what if you retire? surely the courts can't make you pay what you haven't got?

 

LOL, actually yes they can! the court does not care what I have, don't have or what I need to do to continue making my alimony payments.My wanting to relax is not seen as a compelling reason to reduce the alimony awarded to my ex. If I wish to retire I may do so at any time but the monthly obligation still stands.

[andyg99]

I'm not worried about what she's doing anymore, I wish I could get my kid when she wants to party it up( I would almost have my kid full time).

 

have you asked her? if she is a party girl now it seems that your daughter is only in the way. Maybe she's worried if you take her more she'll get less child support? Why not approach her in a friendly way (god, I know it won't be easy) and say "could you drop her off with me when you go out - I won't change the CS agreement, I just want the extra time"... there's always a way...

[marqueemoon4]

LOL, actually yes they can! the court does not care what I have, don't have or what I need to do to continue making my alimony payments.My wanting to relax is not seen as a compelling reason to reduce the alimony awarded to my ex. If I wish to retire I may do so at any time but the monthly obligation still stands.

 

This is the most unjust thing I've ever read on LS.. I guess it isn't always the man who gets f-ed over. Why exactly is marriage treated as a way for one party totally betraying the other and taking what they don't deserve from the other? What has our society become? Would've been nice to know this BEFORE I knocked up my ex. I was a means to an end.

[andyg99]

Just show your son how real men behave. Take it one day at a time and take care of yourself buddy. Really all you can do. Eventually the financial part will work itself out one way or another. Hang in there.

 

sage advice mm - listen to it...

 

I'll say it again, I lost my house, filed for BK and was forced into becoming a part time dad 16 years ago... I'm not a genius, I didn't win the lottery but slowly I pulled myself out of the "hell" I was put in. Trust me everyone, if I was able to do it you can too!!!

 

I'm glad you're venting her though MM - as long as your son is seeing your "happy face", even if you have to fake it every now and then...

[andyg99]

I'm financially done and I hate my existence. The only positive in my life is my son, thats it. And this every other weekend visitation is a joke.

 

Worst decision of my life was marrying that sorry excuse for a human being. She's off banging some lowlife without a care in the world and I'm done.

 

OH BUT IT'LL GET BETTER.

 

it will get better...

[soserious1]

This is the most unjust thing I've ever read on LS.. I guess it isn't always the man who gets f-ed over. Why exactly is marriage treated as a way for one party totally betraying the other and taking what they don't deserve from the other? What has our society become? Would've been nice to know this BEFORE I knocked up my ex. I was a means to an end.

 

In the end. the court's ultimate concern is not for the divorcing couple but rather to safeguard the rights of society at large. I married this guy, I didn't divorce him immediately when he wouldn't get/ keep a job, in the court's POV why should I now be allowed to foist my self-chosen obligations off onto the taxpayers?

 

I don't like the decree, don't like it at all but I do totally understand the reasoning behind it

[andyg99]

I read stories on here about wives that put up with so much and yet still want to reconcille and work things out. .

 

those are good women, can you or anyone else (M or F) who had posted here say the same about your ex or stbx? can you see them sitting down discussing issues and trying to work things out? No, because they are not good people at heart, they chose to lie, deceive and cheat... is that someone you'd want to "work things out" with?

 

Guys/gals - we are better off without these people, yes it has caused financial issues, child raising issues, heartache... there is a better life out there for all of you... some of you have seen it, some have not... but we all have to decide if and when we move forward or if we remain bitter and cynical... move forward folks, it's the only direction that matters now..

[soserious1]

those are good women, can you or anyone else (M or F) who had posted here say the same about your ex or stbx? can you see them sitting down discussing issues and trying to work things out? No, because they are not good people at heart, they chose to lie, deceive and cheat... is that someone you'd want to "work things out" with?

 

Guys/gals - we are better off without these people, yes it has caused financial issues, child raising issues, heartache... there is a better life out there for all of you... some of you have seen it, some have not... but we all have to decide if and when we move forward or if we remain bitter and cynical... move forward folks, it's the only direction that matters now..

 

It's not a question of being "bitter" it's a question of facing reality & for many of us paying court ordered child support or alimony means that there is often not enough left over to meet basic subsistence level of need, let alone enough to move forward into some great new life.

[andyg99]

It's not a question of being "bitter" it's a question of facing reality & for many of us paying court ordered child support or alimony means that there is often not enough left over to meet basic subsistence level of need, let alone enough to move forward into some great new life.

 

I hope you didn't think I was singling you out - I was talking more in general, so I apologize if you thought that... and your situation is heartbreaking, it is unfair what is happening to you... I'm so sorry...

 

My point is that I have been there. My court ordered child support left me with barely enough to survive - I had to support my kids and their home while another man moved in and slept in my bed. They lived in a beautiful home with mom and boyfriend and saw me in a dumpy apartment. I know what unfair is and I know what reality is. Right now I understand for many here it is about survival - I just want to let everyone know that you can move out of the survival mode. I did it by working 18 hours most days (2 jobs)... I went without a lot of things (including sleep)... I was the last person on earth to purchase a cell phone! and the only way I was able to get one was through a discount through my company! LOL! but I dug myself out, anyone can no matter how bad it is...

[soserious1]

I hope you didn't think I was singling you out - I was talking more in general, so I apologize if you thought that... and your situation is heartbreaking, it is unfair what is happening to you... I'm so sorry...

 

My point is that I have been there. My court ordered child support left me with barely enough to survive - I had to support my kids and their home while another man moved in and slept in my bed. They lived in a beautiful home with mom and boyfriend and saw me in a dumpy apartment. I know what unfair is and I know what reality is. Right now I understand for many here it is about survival - I just want to let everyone know that you can move out of the survival mode. I did it by working 18 hours most days (2 jobs)... I went without a lot of things (including sleep)... I was the last person on earth to purchase a cell phone! and the only way I was able to get one was through a discount through my company! LOL! but I dug myself out, anyone can no matter how bad it is...

 

Well good for you, I'm not even a little bit interested in working 18 hour days at my age, nor am I interested in sharing anything with a man ever again besides the briefest of sexual encounters

 

Besides, taking a second job would most likely result in a return trip to court, where I'd be ordered to pony up even more money.

 

Btw you do know that routinely working overtime or a second job can place a person at risk for seeing their child support and alimony obligations increased don't you?

 

I'm a great believer in truth telling, fact is your ex and mine were far smarter than we are, they won, they get the assets and they get the satisfaction of knowing that they've punished us in an ongoing way. My ex put me in my place

quite strongly & his lawyer and the courts see to it that I am held firmly harnessed in that place. I'm paying for being a stupid cow & paying dearly.

 

Why not just admit the truth, our ex's won, they were smarter than we are?

Edited September 3, 2011 by soserious1

[marqueemoon4]

Smarter? No. More callous, selfish and calculating? Yes.

[soserious1]

Smarter? No. More callous, selfish and calculating? Yes.

 

My ex is sitting there collecting more of my earnings every month than I do & he has the court on his side to ensure that the flow of funds will continue with zero further effort on his part.Sorry but that looks pretty smart from where I sit.

[marqueemoon4]

My ex is sitting there collecting more of my earnings every month than I do & he has the court on his side to ensure that the flow of funds will continue with zero further effort on his part.Sorry but that looks pretty smart from where I sit.

 

So, you think marriage is an exercise in how you can **** someone over and take them to the cleaners? God thats depressing.

[soserious1]

So, you think marriage is an exercise in how you can **** someone over and take them to the cleaners? God thats depressing.

 

At the end of the road, standing in the courthouse marriage is basically a business transaction, the person who put themselves into the best position walks away profiting, just like any other business. I choose my partner poorly & I'm paying for that.

 

What's quite interesting is post divorce, all the men I've dated,seeing how their eyes light up when I tell them my job title, visions of fiscal help & comfort dancing through their heads, only to watch that light fade when I tell em another man beat em to the horn of plenty & that my alimony obligation means I won't be letting them live here rent free or "helping them out" via slipping them money from time to time and that no, I'm really not keen on kids or having anything to do with taking responsibility for rearing a 2nd set of them nor am I interested in 'finding somebody to grow old with" as the prospect of being held responsible for yet another husband's long term care makes me want to run screaming into the streets.

 

Yes, the reaction when I bluntly tell a guy "look, I'm not interested in anything long term, I'd just like to jump your jock for an evening or two" is actually priceless

[andyg99]

 

Why not just admit the truth, our ex's won, they were smarter than we are?

 

No - they didn't win anything... 16 years later she has zero respect from our kids, my sons want nothing to do with her... that's not a win in my book... Today she is broke and chasing the next sugar daddy, I have a good life, my kids and my dignity...

Edited September 3, 2011 by andyg99

[soserious1]

No - they didn't win anything... 16 years later she has zero respect from our kids, my sons want nothing to do with her... that's not a win in my book... Today she is broke and chasing the next sugar daddy, I have a good life, my kids and my dignity...

 

ok, let me amend that, in my situation I am the stupid loser, 16 yrs from now if I'm still alive I'll still be working and paying, my ex will still be not working and living comfortably,he has & will continue to enjoy a good life. He is the winner any way you care to slice it, he bested me beautifully.