How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[marqueemoon4]

that's not reality... you are judging ALL women in your area based on your experience with your ex. That is why we need time to heal before we even consider dating because if you don't you'll end up picking someone just like your ex... there are many good women out there, when you are healed you will find them...

 

No, my ex wasn't that, but in general that is what we have where I live. It's also considered the divorce capital of northern VA. You'd know if you lived here. I don't question there are women of substance around here, but they're few and far between or taken.

[andyg99]

No, my ex wasn't that, but in general that is what we have where I live. It's also considered the divorce capital of northern VA. You'd know if you lived here. I don't question there are women of substance around here, but they're few and far between or taken.

 

keep on woking on yourself - leave your past behind and one of those good women will be sure to find you!

[radiodarcy]

I don't know where you all live, where I live there are married soccer moms and 22yr old bar tramps. Not much else in the middle... and at my age (41) pretty much all the single women are carrying a ridiculous amount of baggage. No thanks, I have enough of my own.

 

come on dude, this isn't fair. i understand you're venting and you're more than entitled to do so. but i live in the same general area as you.

 

that would be like me saying that the majority of the men i run up against are either married or sleaze bags out for sex. do men like this and the women you described exist? sure they do but there are several men and women who do fall somewhere in the middle.

 

once you've healed from the pain you're in you'll start to gain more clarity and when you do - -you'll be in a better place to weed these people out.

[marqueemoon4]

People please.. stop getting all offended and sensitive. I know where u live, and I also know what makes up a large percentage of the women that live here. IT'S THE BURBS. It's mainly soccer moms and college aged kids. Is that bad? No, its reality.

 

Believe me if I wasn't upside down on my condo I'd move back to Arlington.. so much more going on there.

Edited September 6, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[LifesontheUp]

Hello MM4 - so what are you doing to let go off your ex? What are you doing to move on? How long has it been now?

[NXS]

People please.. stop getting all offended and sensitive. I know where u live, and I also know what makes up a large percentage of the women that live here. IT'S THE BURBS. It's mainly soccer moms and college aged kids. Is that bad? No, its reality.

 

Believe me if I wasn't upside down on my condo I'd move back to Arlington.. so much more going on there.

 

Hi MM4, sorry to hear things are deteriorating further and would like to be able to give you some advice but can't think of anything to say except keep venting.

 

I hope things turn around for you soon.

[marqueemoon4]

Thanks NXS.. things aren't deteriorating.. they've sucked for a long time and continue on the same level. I don't think things are getting worse, just not getting better.

 

So, I had my son for 4 days over the Labor Day weekend.. we did alot of fun things and had a great time. Went and saw my family in MD, attended an end of summer carnival with his cousins who he rarely sees (my sis' kids, a girl who is 9, boys that are 6 and 2). He had a blast.. there were water slides, moon bounces, and a ton of other fun activities. He got to ride a pony and I won him a hermit crab, he named him Steve. Good times.

 

I dropped him off to his mother at 6pm last night, the entire trip to the meeting point he was saying the standard "dadas I like you so much I don't want to go". When we got there he cried and wouldn't let go of my leg. He was basically inconsolable and it took at least 5 minutes to get him calmed down. His mother stood there with a blank look on her face, seeing her son in pain does nothing to her. She got him buckled in his seat and she said "he wants another hug and kiss from you". So I gave him one and he wouldn't let go of me. She gave me some preschool ppwk and I left.

 

I was driving home and just started welling up with emotion.. like I just can't take this anymore, the whole thing is disgusting and so unhealthy. I can't do this until my son is 18. I got home and sent her a text:

 

me: I will never get used to seeing our son in pain.. I hate it

 

me: Its my fault

 

her: Its very sad

 

me: There is no way I could've known this would be so horrible.. I had no idea. I knew nothing of divorce (I really didn't, thankfully never been around it at all, just heard stories)

 

me: I was a fool

 

her: I know. He's ok now.

 

me: I'm glad.. xxxxx please God I can't take this anymore

 

me: It was pure ignorance

 

me: If I had experienced this before and acted that way anyway that would be one thing. I didn't know.

 

her: I know

 

me: I come home and all his toys are out and I just start crying. I miss you guys so much. It's like a knife through my heart every time.

 

her: Its hard for me when he leaves too

 

me: I'm sure it is.. we both love him so much

 

me: The most beautiful thing I've ever experienced, having a healthy child amazing child with the woman I love has turned into so much pain. Because of ME.

 

me: Because of my lousy attitude

 

her: I know

 

me: Someday I pray to God you'll see that there is so much good in me.. that awful side of me is gone. I'd give anything for that. All the petty **** I worried about means nothing. Nothing.

 

me: It wasn't your fault

 

me: I'm sorry, I'll stop rambling. Have fun with D.

 

No further response. I know, please start flaming the hell out of me. I just took all the blame yet again, and just further pumped up her ego and made her feel good about what she is doing. I know. I've never seen another human being so adept at not caring... I wish I had known years ago.

 

sigh

 

Also, went to sons swim lessons tonite.. her mom and stepdad were there. She of course acted like I was invisible. I sat away from them and enjoyed watching him.

Edited September 7, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

I dropped him off to his mother at 6pm last night, the entire trip to the meeting point he was saying the standard "dadas I like you so much I don't want to go". When we got there he cried and wouldn't let go of my leg. He was basically inconsolable and it took at least 5 minutes to get him calmed down.

 

they key here is how you respond to him... what do you say when he tells you that? what is your reaction? no matter how hard it hurts you need to put on the biggest smile and tell him that you can't wait to see him next time, now he can go have fun with mom! be excited when you say it! to you it may be a lie but he needs to see his dad happy, if you're hanging your head when it's getting time to drop him off you need to change that REAL soon!

 

You need to get your head straight - that text to your ex shows a huge backslide. I'm saying this because IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU! It's about the boy! I'm not flaming you, I just want you to see clearly. You have been dropping him off with mom for some time now, you said it was the "standard" so I guess that is his usual reaction. You need to find out why he is reacting like that and you need a clear head to do it. Is there neglect with his mom? or is it just because you are so sad? I hope you see where I'm going with this - he should be used to the back and forth by now, kids his age generally adjust easily - maybe because you haven't adjusted it's spilling over to him...

 

sorry guy, I'm just throwing out my opinion here, you know I'm rooting for you

[marqueemoon4]

I understand your point Andy... I know its about him.. that's why I hate seeing him like that. It doesn't always happen that way at pickup.. but usually when I've had him for awhile. I get on my knee and tell him I'll see him soon and how his mommy is so happy to see you and missed you. Andy, I dont think his mother is neglecting him, he just hates the situation as much as I do. She is the only one who seems unaffected by the whole thing. Call it a backslide, those are REAL feelings and I DO hate seeing him in pain. It's not all about me.. thanks for your feedback.

[andyg99]

I understand your point Andy... I know its about him.. that's why I hate seeing him like that. It doesn't always happen that way at pickup.. but usually when I've had him for awhile. I get on my knee and tell him I'll see him soon and how his mommy is so happy to see you and missed you. Andy, I dont think his mother is neglecting him, he just hates the situation as much as I do. She is the only one who seems unaffected by the whole thing. Call it a backslide, those are REAL feelings and I DO hate seeing him in pain. It's not all about me.. thanks for your feedback.

 

you need to show him that YOU are unaffected too! I know you are not but it will make it easier on him... no tears in front of him, no head hanging at drop off... be happy and smiling the entire time. Of course he'll always want mom and dad to be together but it's about minimizing his pain....

[marqueemoon4]

you need to show him that YOU are unaffected too! I know you are not but it will make it easier on him... no tears in front of him, no head hanging at drop off... be happy and smiling the entire time. Of course he'll always want mom and dad to be together but it's about minimizing his pain....

 

I agree 100%... there were no tears and I think I did a good job trying to make the handoff as painless as possible. The situation sucks and will suck for him for a long time. There is no way around it.

[andyg99]

I agree 100%... there were no tears and I think I did a good job trying to make the handoff as painless as possible. The situation sucks and will suck for him for a long time. There is no way around it.

 

you should be over-the-top happy when it gets close to the had-off time... I mean almost to the point where you are telling yourself "holy cow, I can't believe this BS I'm doing!" LOL! make it a game, pretend you are going for a Best Actor nomination.... trust me your boy won't be clinging to your leg or crying anymore...

[TroyNJ]

MM4, Ive also been really having a hard time the last couple of days....These ****ing women don't care what they do regarding the kids. All they care about is being selfish and getting/doing whatever they want. I'm at my wits end, I missed my daughters first day of HS and to be honest im really pissed.

 

It's been 15 months and I'm still not better, **** this!

[visualbasicide]

I fell ya troy. In my case it was a step child so I got shut out of her life completely. Been about the same amount of time for me too, year and a half I think. Parts of it get better. I will always regret the time I will never spend with "my daughter" I was there for her 3rd birthday and just missed her 8th by the timing of how my own situation went down. Acceptance is very hard to get.

 

Everyone always telling you that you should "be over" the person I think is stupid, or at least misleading and possibly cliche. If we didn't love them, we wouldn't be hurting at all. Since we obviously DO love them, Just accept that you still love them, and possibly will always, even though they aren't the type of person you want in your life.

 

I don't really know if she changed or if I never really knew her, though I tend to think it's the former rather than the latter. I accept that I loved who she was and not who she is. Doesn't make me any less of a person to admit it, shows my love was genuine and it helps me realize that while they might not have been able to reciprocate the love we gave them, our own was nothing less than the real deal.

 

Shows me that I wasn't living a lie, that my feelings are totally valid and it makes me a better person because of it, not in spite of it. I tend to think that love isn't something that goes away at the drop of a hat. The ones that seem to have done it were really only lying to themselves at some point and considering the behavior, I don't think they will find it either.

 

Everyone can hate their ex's all they want, but I think it invalidates the whole concept of love and creates a circular pattern of emotions one tends to feel on the subject. I do not hate my ex, I pity her.

[marqueemoon4]

I don't know what to say that I haven't said a thousand times on this forum already, but I have promised myself a few things:

 

no matter what she does, I'm not calling names or insulting her to anyone or anywhere else including these boards. solves nothing.

 

i will continue to become a better person and the best father I can be. much like debtman, even if she wanted to try again (which she won't) there has been too much trauma, pain, dishonesty, hate, deception. i made a lot of mistakes in how I handled things. i am truly sorry for that.... she knows and it doesn't matter. however, it matters to me because I know I'm a standup guy and I'll be better for this whole thing. I also want to be a strong role model to my son so he grows up to be a respectful, responsible, caring man.

[visualbasicide]

I don't know what to say that I haven't said a thousand times on this forum already, but I have promised myself a few things:

 

no matter what she does, I'm not calling names or insulting her to anyone or anywhere else including these boards. solves nothing.

 

i will continue to become a better person and the best father I can be. much like debtman, even if she wanted to try again (which she won't) there has been too much trauma, pain, dishonesty, hate, deception. i made a lot of mistakes in how I handled things. i am truly sorry for that.... she knows and it doesn't matter. however, it matters to me because I know I'm a standup guy and I'll be better for this whole thing. I also want to be a strong role model to my son so he grows up to be a respectful, responsible, caring man.

 

Hearing that just made my day. Hollar back if you need us.

[itllgetbetter]

marqueemoon4: Your statement "I also want to be a strong role model to my son so he grows up to be a respectful, responsible, caring man" is SO sweet!!! Your son's lucky to have a dad like you.

[NXS]

Thanks NXS.. things aren't deteriorating.. they've sucked for a long time and continue on the same level. I don't think things are getting worse, just not getting better.

 

So, I had my son for 4 days over the Labor Day weekend.. we did alot of fun things and had a great time. Went and saw my family in MD, attended an end of summer carnival with his cousins who he rarely sees (my sis' kids, a girl who is 9, boys that are 6 and 2). He had a blast.. there were water slides, moon bounces, and a ton of other fun activities. He got to ride a pony and I won him a hermit crab, he named him Steve. Good times.

 

I dropped him off to his mother at 6pm last night, the entire trip to the meeting point he was saying the standard "dadas I like you so much I don't want to go". When we got there he cried and wouldn't let go of my leg. He was basically inconsolable and it took at least 5 minutes to get him calmed down. His mother stood there with a blank look on her face, seeing her son in pain does nothing to her. She got him buckled in his seat and she said "he wants another hug and kiss from you". So I gave him one and he wouldn't let go of me. She gave me some preschool ppwk and I left.

 

I was driving home and just started welling up with emotion.. like I just can't take this anymore, the whole thing is disgusting and so unhealthy. I can't do this until my son is 18. I got home and sent her a text:

 

me: I will never get used to seeing our son in pain.. I hate it

 

me: Its my fault

 

her: Its very sad

 

me: There is no way I could've known this would be so horrible.. I had no idea. I knew nothing of divorce (I really didn't, thankfully never been around it at all, just heard stories)

 

me: I was a fool

 

her: I know. He's ok now.

 

me: I'm glad.. xxxxx please God I can't take this anymore

 

me: It was pure ignorance

 

me: If I had experienced this before and acted that way anyway that would be one thing. I didn't know.

 

her: I know

 

me: I come home and all his toys are out and I just start crying. I miss you guys so much. It's like a knife through my heart every time.

 

her: Its hard for me when he leaves too

 

me: I'm sure it is.. we both love him so much

 

me: The most beautiful thing I've ever experienced, having a healthy child amazing child with the woman I love has turned into so much pain. Because of ME.

 

me: Because of my lousy attitude

 

her: I know

 

me: Someday I pray to God you'll see that there is so much good in me.. that awful side of me is gone. I'd give anything for that. All the petty **** I worried about means nothing. Nothing.

 

me: It wasn't your fault

 

me: I'm sorry, I'll stop rambling. Have fun with D.

 

No further response. I know, please start flaming the hell out of me. I just took all the blame yet again, and just further pumped up her ego and made her feel good about what she is doing. I know. I've never seen another human being so adept at not caring... I wish I had known years ago.

 

sigh

 

Also, went to sons swim lessons tonite.. her mom and stepdad were there. She of course acted like I was invisible. I sat away from them and enjoyed watching him.

 

MM, the 'deterioration' I meant was you losing your job on top of all the other things going on.

 

She sees your texts as a way of you trying to get her back so that's why she's not really responding. I'm sure it was a very emotional occassion for you having had your son for four days, maybe feelings of grief/guilt/powerlessnes etc. This is the exact time you shouldn't text her, when you have these strong feelings. You know how she's going to respond, or lack of response. You are also still looking for validation from someone who is incapable of giving it. In all honesty what is there to gain from looking for validation from someone incapable of giving it? It's just going to keep you endlessly jumping through hoops for something you're not going to get.

 

She's still playing with you in a sadistic manner, enjoying doling out access to your son in small amounts to keep you chomping for more, don't give her the satisfaction of a response when you have your son for a longer period.

 

I think you should save this text conversation for future reference. Next time you get the impulse to text something similar just look back and remember the response you got and how you felt after. Then wait for that impulse to pass or post on here.

[andyg99]

She's still playing with you in a sadistic manner, enjoying doling out access to your son in small amounts to keep you chomping for more, don't give her the satisfaction of a response when you have your son for a longer period.

 

.

 

she is probably not "playing" with him... she has moved on with her new life and from what I have read here there has been no custody issues so his access to his son isn't based on what she gives him. Please don't take this as me sticking up for her - she did to mm what my ex did to me, it is wrong and it is something that is very hard to accept. There is NO excuse for cheating. Period.

 

By keeping the mindset of "she is playing with me" will stop mm from moving forward. In reality she is just living her life and mm must ACCEPT it even though he doesn't agree with it. She did wrong. Time to accept that and move on.

 

mm - I think you are getting there! keep it up man!!!

[visualbasicide]

Harsh but true. They do not care about us or they wouldn't have done what they did. Anything else they do will be to avoid accountability and avoid feeling any guilt or pain at what they have done. It is a hard pill to swallow but one that is necessary to move forward with your own agendas.

[BrettLost]

Visualbasicide,

 

Very precise description of the thought processes behind their actions. "To avoid accountability and avoid feeling any guilt or pain".

 

That sums up every little hurtful word or selfish act thrown at us from day dot.

 

All the pain we felt from the dr jekell, mr hyde type behaviour is this exactly. If close to feeling guilty or accountable, the blame/hurt gets shifted to us at any cost, whether reasonable or not.

 

How long can one keep lying to themselves and be in denial though.... that THEY are good, respectable people, who made clean honourable decisions in the best interest of their family and/or children.

[marqueemoon4]

OM = great guy who can do no wrong (until his true colors are exposed)

 

Me= pure evil and the cause of everything wrong in this world

 

Classic black/white thinking, pure ignorance. The truth will come out one day.

[BrettLost]

MM4,

 

My fear (for her) is that amongst the fog of it all, the truth wont be taken seriosly and pushed aside as nonsense or a one-off!! Just to keep it alive u know, OM cant fall from pedastal.... god forbid they happen to live ALONE for awhile...

[Surfer203]

The truth WILL come out. My wife's OM turned out to be an alcoholic with bipolar disorder and rage issues. Seemed like a perfectly nice guy at first and slowly began showing his true colors.

 

The point is most people who are willing to break up a marriage and be the OM/OW are mentally f***ed. They have issues, no normal, nice, good person would do that. These people are all trash and eventually the wayward spouse will realize this.

[marqueemoon4]

Thanks pal, but I wouldn't bet on it.