How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[marqueemoon4]

I am going to jump on this ship a bit, if you want to take the proverbial high road then you have to let go. Both you and your wife are acting like spoiled kids. Your far enough out of this breakup that I can point blank tell you this. You are both playing childish games with each other hiding excuse for contact with something trivial.

 

You as a man need to stop the hate. I do not agree with this indifference crap. I dont care = same thing as ignoring. You spent how many years together. One thing I look at is big picture. When you post all these things about your ex and her new fiance, you're actually pointing out these flaws in yourself as you are looking in a mirror. As an outsider looking in, I can see it. Have you ever stopped and put yourself in your ex wife's shoes for a second and try to imagine her living and dealing with your actions on a daily basis? I am not blaming you and like you I understand what its like to be burned and filled with hatred but all this anger and hatred is YEARS of resentment that you built up while in a relationship with her. This amount of resentment towards her is your fault because you never took action to stop the resentment nor did you let it go and accept your wife for the person she was and not the actions she did

 

"Closing down in the midst of pain is a denial of a man's true nature. A superior man is free in feeling and action, even amidst great pain and hurt. If necessary, a man should live with a hurting heart rather than a closed one. He should learn to stay in the wound of pain and act with spontaneous skill and love even from that place."

 

Do you want to have your son grow up and see this hate and resentment towards each other for the rest of your lives? You need to bury this hatchet with yourself. Say **** I messed up, I need to grow up and start doing the right thing for myself and my family. Then you need to bury the hatchet with your ex wife and be ****ing honest, tell her you care for her and love her but OUR childish behavior has to end and we need to start anew for our son. She will respect you for this. There is nothing she can say or do at this point but agree with you. Look her in the eyes when you do this, dont coward out by doing this with a text message or an email. Face to face. Face your fear

 

You do not teach or learn through hate, you teach through love. Think about it for a while.

 

I keep coming back to this Wilson.. and AndyG made mention of it as well... I think looking her in the eyes and saying we BOTH need to knock off this childish behavior for our sons sake is a good idea. The "I care for you and love you" part probably not so much because she doesn't want to hear it. I also think she will get defensive about childish behavior and say she's not doing anything wrong and its all me. I absolutely do not want to cause drama or make things worse. I want to fix things between us so badly but she refuses to let me. Its old news to her and she claims it doesn't bother her at all. It is still constantly on my mind and still causes me pain.

 

If I give up 100% I have to live at least the next 13yrs in a way that will make me very unhappy. We are divorced, she is living with this OM, and there is a good possibility she is moving fwd with this person aka getting pregnant or getting engaged. Wilson you say that you can't always believe what a woman is saying but I think she means everything she has said. What was our "family" is long dead, and while both my son and I miss it very much, she doesn't. I don't know what to do.

Edited December 21, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

If I give up 100% I have to live at least the next 13yrs in a way that will make me very unhappy.

 

once again look at the facts - why should you be unhappy? READ WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT HER! you should be happy that you are now free of her! sure you have to give her support but as long as your son has a decent roof over his head, is well fed and clothed then look at the money you have to give her for the next 13 years as money you'd spend on him anyway... your boy is 4! he'll be fine - his mom is a flake but that doesn't mean she won't raise him well, just do your part and stop it already with the "I'll never be happy", YOUR SON SEES IT! Start being positive RIGHT NOW for his sake!

[marqueemoon4]

I wish it were that easy. I don't care about the child support money.

[Surfer203]

mm4: It's not that easy.. many of us are still struggling. But why do you think that SHE is the only way you will be happy. She is not, there are billions of women walking this earth, think about that. I don't want to put her down but this woman has made your life hell and has no remorse, why would you want to be with this woman?! You are going to be happy with out her, dare I say happier? I know it. Just get your s*** together and move on my friend, she has hurt you enough, don't open yourself up to that again. You will thrive my friend.

[worldgonewrong]

I totally get where MM4 is coming from, have to say.

 

His wife might be able to 'flip a switch', but if you're not wired that way,

it's quite difficult to just flush years away. And I understand the love he has for her, although it's a love that becomes more abstract over time.

 

I still love my wife. I really do. I'm upset, disturbed, disappointed, saddened, etc. AND I'm extremely wary of her. But it takes a lot to kill love that's in your heart for another person.

[marqueemoon4]

I totally get where MM4 is coming from, have to say.

 

His wife might be able to 'flip a switch', but if you're not wired that way,

it's quite difficult to just flush years away. And I understand the love he has for her, although it's a love that becomes more abstract over time.

 

I still love my wife. I really do. I'm upset, disturbed, disappointed, saddened, etc. AND I'm extremely wary of her. But it takes a lot to kill love that's in your heart for another person.

 

I was under the impression my exW was a loyal, loving person who took marriage seriously and knew the importance of having both parents together. She sold me on this, hence why I was happy she got pregnant and why I proposed to her even though her family and background were dicey at best. We grew alot together over the years though I felt she was holding me back since she was so much younger.

 

I remember a particularly big fight we had and some of the mean things I said-- something like I felt she was a bad investment, like all I do is pour time/money/emotion into her and never get anything back at all. Her trump card was our son, and when push came to shove she had no problem using him against me. That is SCARY. She is just a really messed up person, but she thinks she is happy because this OM has taken the bait and is her new savior. Maybe he'll sign on for years, who knows. As someone who spent a lot of time with her, I don't envy him.

[jstobo]

One of the things I find really interesting about your and Jaymz's posts is how much communication each of you have with your ex. This could be part of your trouble to move on and/or let go. You two know my story, which is identical to both of yours. My ex and I communicate very little. We have 50/50 custody. When the kids are with me, they are with me. When they are with her, they are with her. When I pick them up at her house, I honk and the kids come out. I understand if yours are younger and you have to go to the door, but communication should still be minimal. On my 5 day stretches, unless something bad happens to the kids, we do not communicate at all. When one of my kids has a school play or function, I sit in one part of the room and she sits in another part. We don't need to be friends, we just can't fight or show anger in front of the kids. That has helped me heal and move on. I think you'll notice from my thread, I haven't reported much over the past several months. I think it has to do with us having very little contact. You guys need to find a way to communicate with your ex as little as possible is my advice. I have fights with her in my head just like everyone else, but they stay in my head or I vent to my family. I think we have had one heated exchange over the past two months and that was about her claim to unable to make more than minimum wage and amount of time she claims to be with the kids. It was such a joke, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

 

Just my two cents.

[marqueemoon4]

Things different about our situation jstobo:

 

you have 50/50 custody, you're lucky

 

you stbx isn't living with some other guy

 

I don't go to this persons house to pick up/drop off my son.. we meet at a neutral location. honestly she should pickup and drop off at MY place, as she is the one who wanted this **** and also its the home our son grew up in and considers his real home.

 

 

Also, I ignore pretty much all texts from her and have for months. Only time she ever wants to "talk" is when its something that benefits her 100%.

Edited December 22, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[jstobo]

Things different about our situation jstobo:

 

you have 50/50 custody, you're lucky

 

you stbx isn't living with some other guy

 

I don't go to this persons house to pick up/drop off my son.. we meet at a neutral location. honestly she should pickup and drop off at MY place, as she is the one who wanted this **** and also its the home our son grew up in and considers his real home.

 

 

Also, I ignore pretty much all texts from her and have for months. Only time she ever wants to "talk" is when its something that benefits her 100%.

 

Yes, I am lucky to have 50/50. My STBX is in a serious relationship with the man I found her e-mailing and texting while we were married, but they haven't moved in together yet. But I'm not sure what these things have to do with how much communication you have with her.

 

I HAD to stop communicating with her, unless it had to do with the children. I even found that things I communicated with her regarding the children weren't really necessary. So now it is only necessary stuff. This isn't to punish her, this is to allow me to heal. I think it has helped a lot. Picking the kids up at her house 3 times a week gives me a great deal of anxiety. I wish I could eliminate that part, but I can't. I'm not sure if a neutral place is a better option, since that would cause interaction. I'm not trying to be high and mighty here. I am a broken man rebuilding everything. I don't sleep all through the night and I still have a lot of anxiety. But after 9 months of separation, I feel like I have come a long way. I truly truly truly have no interest in reconciling with my ex. I still want her to ask, but I wouldn't say yes. I can't help think I have gotten here in 9 months, because my communication with her is so minimal. Is there a way for you to go 5 days or so without communication?

[jaymz]

Have to echo MM4 as my situation is similar to his:

 

I have kids everyother weekend, plus extra when I can

 

STBXW had exit affair and moved in with sumbag after a couple of months

 

I do go to her house to pick up and drop off kids, occasionly she will come to mine.

 

I have tried not talking to her but when I call the kids she will always have something to say, I call the kids 2/3 a week. If i dont listen to what she says, she will hang up the phone. nice eh?

 

She is always changing our schedule.

 

I believe at kids functions (like parents evening, plays, sports days etc) we should sit together and support our kids. I dont feel comfortable doing it with scumbag there but it will happen at some point.

 

I would love to have no contact with her at all, I really would, but she just will not do that.

[marqueemoon4]

And let me add my exW still refuses to let my son talk to me on the phone during the week...

[worldgonewrong]

And let me add my exW still refuses to let my son talk to me on the phone during the week...

 

That is so effed-up beyond belief that I want to cry.

 

(This morning was a big weep-fest, btw. the strain is getting to me again. but I digress...)

 

re this phone thing: can't it be hammered/adjusted out via mediation/lawyers?

I mean, talk about mean-spirited!

[russell1968]

And let me add my exW still refuses to let my son talk to me on the phone during the week...

 

That is ****! What are her reasons for this?

 

In a way i'm very, very lucky i have my girls at least four nights a week

[jstobo]

MM4 and/or Jaymz: did a child custody mediator determine all you can have is every other weekend? Can you go back to court to get more custody, like 60/40? I guess that is the BIG difference. I see my kids enough that I don't feel like I need to be calling them between. My STBX does not call to speak to the kids during my time either.

[jaymz]

My job means I am out of the house from 6:30am and come home 6:30pm.

 

When the STBXW and I discussed it, she basically dictated the every other weekend as she wants weekends with the kids and scumbag kids too.

[updown]

did she say why? there is no reason for her to be restricting him from talking t you during the week! if she doesn't want to talk to you, that's fine. get him a pay as you go phone to keep at her house and call that phone. she can hand him the phone and let him answer it! that's all we do. i can their phone at their dad's and he calls their phone here at my house.

 

 

 

And let me add my exW still refuses to let my son talk to me on the phone during the week...

[marqueemoon4]

Its not something we've discussed. I asked once via text and was ignored. I asked my son to ask her to have him call me during the week and he said she wouldn't let him. She probably feels its her time and she doesn't have to do it. I have no ulterior motive, I just want to talk to my boy. Maybe she is angry/annoyed that I am not over her and this divorce yet.

 

My true feelings are desperate. I feel this desperation for many reasons. Why do people mistake caring for weakness and indifference for strength?

Edited December 24, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[dreamingoftigers]

 

My true feelings are desperate. I feel this desperation for many reasons. Why do people mistake caring for weakness and indifference for strength?

 

 

One of life's mysteries.

 

Over the years I have learned to cover my desperate feelings with a bit of "strength of character" and then I become much stronger afterward. And less desperate.

 

At this age I have come to see that "character" is merely how long and hard we can take the pressure before we choke. And we choke a lot more then we are willing to admit to others.

[marqueemoon4]

I txt her last night saying I'd like to speak to (our son) before he goes to bed tonite. Please.

 

She responded saying okay he's in the tub right now. About 15 minutes later the phone rang and I said Hi D****! My son said hi dadas I like you very much! I told him I liked him too and told him I loved him and to have a great Christmas. He started going on about how he was at mommy friends house in mommys bed etc.. I said thats great, I could hear her shooshing him in the background. I told him I loved him and would see him tomorrow and said goodbye. He said bye then said I love you too.

 

I'm glad I got to talk to him and I txt her "thank you" a few minutes later. She responded with "you're welcome".

 

My son sounded completely different than usual. He has to be so confused. I don't know what its like having divorced parents, thank God I never had to go through it. Its like he has to develop a split personality. This is the hell I have to look forward to for years to come because I procreated with the wrong person.

[Lexygirl]

MM4, * big hugs * sweetie.

Merry Christmas.

Just remember, kids are VERY resilient and sometimes the scenerios our minds come up with regarding what our kids are going through, can be much worse than reality. He WILL be ok because he's got a great father

Bless you.

[marqueemoon4]

MM4, * big hugs * sweetie.

Merry Christmas.

Just remember, kids are VERY resilient and sometimes the scenerios our minds come up with regarding what our kids are going through, can be much worse than reality. He WILL be ok because he's got a great father

Bless you.

 

Thanks Lexy, that was very sweet of you to say. I think he will be ok but will always be missing one of his parents. His mother says he is the most important thing. I guess she thinks living with an OM is whats best for him? Like I am incapable of giving him a great life? Like anyone on this planet loves him as much as she and I do? I am a very good father and he adores me. I don't doubt OM cares for him and has probably grown somewhat attached to him. But he's not his father and never will be. It seems pretty absurd to claim our son is the most important thing to her while her actions show its all about her. Kids who live with their REAL family in a loving, supportive environment have a big advantage over kids from broken homes. Thats fact.

 

I hate that she can't see this and probably never will. My son and I are the ones who have to pay for this. He's going to miss out on so much because of her decision. I think its tragic.

[marqueemoon4]

I came to.the sad conclusion that at the extended age of 37 I had no idea what it meant to be a husband and a father. I blew it and my son and I have to pay the consequences for years to come. Sorry AndyG im never gonna be ok with this.

Edited December 26, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

I came to.the sad conclusion that at the extended age of 37 I had no idea what it meant to be a husband and a father. I blew it and my son and I have to pay the consequences for years to come. Sorry AndyG im never gonna be ok with this.

 

you don't have to apologize to me but unless you come to terms with this ASAP you might find yourself apologizing to your son someday... they do grow up, he won't stay little forever, you have a finite amount of time of him being a child - do you want to wait another 10 years before you get over this? what then? I'll tell you what you'll look back at 10 wasted years, I thank God I listened to the advice I was given years ago even though it went against how I felt (just like you do now), IT TAKES WORK BUT IT'S WORTH IT!!!!!! you can give him a great life and he can grow up just fine with divorced parents....

 

I'm just trying to pass on what worked for me, my kids are no better than your son and it won't be perfect but he will grow up just fine if you just move on... My sons have issues with their mom to this day but at least they had one stable parent growing up - that has to be you my friend! I don't know what else to tell you except you better be OK with this - better sooner than later...

[LifesontheUp]

MM4, will you go back to post 1006 please and read what you put there. Thats just a taster of the life you had with her - not something your son should live through day after day. I've said it before, just hope it will stick at some point - You are better off without her.

 

You still have your son, and I agree with andyg99, you be the stable parent for your growing son. They aren't young for long, appreciate what you have MM4, appreciate your beautiful healthy son.

 

Take care

[marqueemoon4]

This life that has been forced on me and him is like asking a Republican to be a Democrat, or vice versa. ITS A LIE. My existence is a lie. I'm a broken 41yr old divorced man with a kid. I was tricked into this whole thing reassured that I would always have an opportunity to fix issues like a man. I paid my dues and earned so much better than this nonsense. Look at all these people on here upset because they lost their bf/gf of a few months ir a year. THAT is bad enough.. throw a kid into it and its 10000 worse. Some lowlife has taken my place? Trying to buy my sons affection? Taking pictures together as if they're a real "family"? As if this person earned that right. Its beyond sickening. You think I want my kid being influenced by this guy? He's the embodiment of everything I loathe in human beings. How can.this clown even front like he's anything to my boy? Cause out of desperation after his second divorce he "saved" my exw from living at her mother/stepdads house? There is SO much in this world I can let go. This is not one of those things.

 

So I guess I live a lie or suffer with the truth. Thanks for those choices Amanda, I really appreciate that. When you broke the news that you were a "cold person" a year after we were married you weren't lying. Everyday since separation has SUCKED. Every single day. I can't think of one day in the last 1.5yrs that was worth remembering. Honestly if I wouldn't hurt my family and son i would've checked out months ago.