How Can I "Respect Her Relationship" with OM??

[worldgonewrong]

Dude, this is like her standard twist the knife in my heart more purposely.

 

Yeah, dude, I agree but...

you keep handing her the knife every time you exchange texts like that with her!

It's like you pull it out of your chest, and then you wipe off the blood,

and say, "Here's your knife back." Every. time.

[marqueemoon4]

Yeah, dude, I agree but...

you keep handing her the knife every time you exchange texts like that with her!

It's like you pull it out of your chest, and then you wipe off the blood,

and say, "Here's your knife back." Every. time.

 

You're right..but brother you haven't even entered the OM stage.. you'll see what I'm talking about when that happens.

 

And the sense of entitlement she had with me is obviously transferring to this guy... "OUR" insurance? Um, pretty sure thats HIS insurance that he put you on cause you made him feel sorry for you and because you spread your legs for him. "OUR" house? Did she contribute to anything when she was with me? Not at all. Is she contributing anything to this guys townhouse? I highly doubt it. So, since you found yet another sucker to take care of you, its yours? What a joke. She hasn't earned ANYTHING she has. Nothing. This is the exact same mentality of bloodsucker women who in lieu of hard work or education leech onto men, contribute nothing, and then try and take half of everything. Its akin to the oldest profession in the world.

 

This is a perfect example of this mentality.. I had bought a new car for her $27k Prius because I wanted her and my son to have a safe car. It was in my name because she was too lazy to goto the dealership, I would've been more than happy to put it in her name too, but she needed to be there. So, after she left she's driving this car around, going to work.. jerking me around, treating me like ****, giving me the silent treatment. Refused to contribute a nickel to the $550mo payment, for 3mos I was paying the whole amount including insurance, personal prop tax, everything while she funneled all her $ into a bank acct she had opened behind my back before she left. Paid for the gas out of the joint acct, even had the nerve to use the joint acct to pay for an oil change. Later I find out she was driving that car around to f**k some dude she was working with. And to this day she says it was HER car. ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME???

Edited December 28, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

mm - I hope you don't think any of my replies are flames. I just try to give you advice based on my experiences and what has worked for me, and yes, because there is a kid involved I think you need to hear what some have to say with no sugar coating... as far as your latest exchange I agree with wgw, your best answer would have been "that's not necessary, he'll be on my coverage starting next week but if you want to keep him on yours then go ahead" nothing more needed to be said...

[marqueemoon4]

mm - I hope you don't think any of my replies are flames. I just try to give you advice based on my experiences and what has worked for me, and yes, because there is a kid involved I think you need to hear what some have to say with no sugar coating... as far as your latest exchange I agree with wgw, your best answer would have been "that's not necessary, he'll be on my coverage starting next week but if you want to keep him on yours then go ahead" nothing more needed to be said...

 

do you understand why that would set off alarms inside me, at least? I was happy to put him back on my insurance where he should be, and even thanked the OM by name, and she comes back with this nonsense? I'm so not cut out for this.

 

and if she is so insistent on keeping him on OMs insurance, I'm not paying for it on my side nor am I adding anything to monthly support. Thats HER decision, she is declining my insurance which is damn good. This is just another way she is trying to cut me out of his life. Its probably for the best, he can deal with all the bills when she rushes my son to the emergency room everytime he has a hangnail. Not to mention the fact I don't think one person/child can be on two separate insurance policies, but I'll have to check on that.

Edited December 28, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

do you understand why that would set off alarms inside me, at least? I was happy to put him back on my insurance where he should be, and even thanked the OM by name, and she comes back with this nonsense? I'm so not cut out for this.

 

and if she is so insistent on keeping him on OMs insurance, I'm not paying for it on my side nor am I adding anything to monthly support. Thats HER decision, she is declining my insurance which is damn good. This is just another way she is trying to cut me out of his life. Its probably for the best, he can deal with all the bills when she rushes my son to the emergency room everytime he has a hangnail. Not to mention the fact I don't think one person/child can be on two separate insurance policies, but I'll have to check on that.

 

I totally get why that set off alarms - with your ex you should expect this BS by now.... no matter what she does or says it should NOT be a surprise... expect all of her contacts with you to be like this, just learn to blow it off... this is the "work" part, like when I told you I only got to where I am by WORKING on it...

[marqueemoon4]

Well a friend called me and confirmed what I had suspected.... my exW is 5-6mos pregnant. Which technically means she most likely got knocked up before our divorce was even final. Unbelievable. What a pathetic human being she is. Every time I think she can't be any more disgusting, she finds a way.

Edited December 29, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[LifesontheUp]

MM4 - I don't wish to sound harsh but I wondered if you were in counselling. I was wondering why you are still so fixated on your ex wife. When are you going to let her go and move on? You need to for your son and also for you too.

[marqueemoon4]

MM4 - I don't wish to sound harsh but I wondered if you were in counselling. I was wondering why you are still so fixated on your ex wife. When are you going to let her go and move on? You need to for your son and also for you too.

 

Not to sound harsh but really? Gosh its that simple huh?

[jaymz]

Sorry man. Listen to Andy, you need to stop these exchanges and just do the right thing and let her know what your doing. She loves the drama, she loves making things hard and a misery. She is punishing you for all her bad decisions and mistakes. Mine is doing exactly the same. But now I am putting up boundaries. Distancing myself from all the drama.

 

Its hard to let go, simpliest advice to give but the hardest to actually do. I think about all the things my STBXW would do and how I really dont miss it anymore, a list like debtman suggested, i refer to it when I am feeling down or weak and it helps to strenghten my resolve. My STBXW told me before she left "you dont know what you have lost until its gone", meaning she was the best thing in the world. The words haunted me for months and months, now I know it works both ways.

 

Given time to reflect on the relationship I can see how toxic and controlling she was, I became depressed, didnt look aftermyself and withdrew from the world. I had a lot of problems with work as well and was in the situation where I really needed her to slap me across the face and wake me up, she did that alright but not in a loving way.

 

Now I can see her for what she really is, how others see her. Yes I "lost" alot when she left, but not her, I mourn for the lack of time with the kids and the whole relationship being a family unit, but not her as a person. Part of me hopes she will see what she has "lost" when she jumped ship, but that is now with her growth, reflection and comparrison.

 

Am rambling. The point is we need to let go and distance ourselves from our ex-wives and start building a new and better life for ourselves with our kids. It has taken me a long time to "get it", but keep listening to those that have been down this path before and tell us that it will be ok in the end, we just need to start working on it.

[jaymz]

Just checking my emails and I came across a really old one. When I first went through my breakup I contacted a "get your ex-back" website with my story and asked for advise. I was desperate and would ahve done anything to save my marriage and family, the low price of $45 to save it seemed a very small price to pay. The email response back was "why would you want this person back?" and I was given a full refund!

 

Sometimes we dont see as we are too close. Standing back from the situation gives us alot more perspective. This email I hated back then as it wasnt what I wanted to hear, now it makes me laugh as even a service which helps you get your ex back told me right from the begining not to bother.

Edited December 29, 2011 by jaymz

[Surfer203]

mm4: Your son looks THRILLED to be with you in that photo (and all of your other photos on FB too) - that kid loves you to death! Focus on the positives and not the negatives. You have a lot to be happy about. Ignore your now pregnant ex wife. What a joke she is. Let her be one, let her fade away bro. If this isn't the final straw for you, what is? She is done.

[marqueemoon4]

mm4: Your son looks THRILLED to be with you in that photo (and all of your other photos on FB too) - that kid loves you to death! Focus on the positives and not the negatives. You have a lot to be happy about. Ignore your now pregnant ex wife. What a joke she is. Let her be one, let her fade away bro. If this isn't the final straw for you, what is? She is done.

 

Yea confirmation of this is obviously game/set/match... should've been a long time ago.. it still hurts like hell and the implications it has for my son is a concern. I still keep thinking I'm gonna wake up and it was all a nightmare.

 

And yea, we're very close. He's my world.

Edited December 29, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[Surfer203]

I know it hurts man, just don't stop moving forward. Your son will be fine so long as you are there for him... to teach him right and wrong, to listen to him, to have fun with him. That's all that counts from now on. All energy that is WASTED on thinking/worrying about her should be morphed into positive energy and time with/about your son.

[Lexygirl]

The email response back was "why would you want this person back?" and I was given a full refund!

 

 

LMAO That made my day, Jaymz !

Harsh but wow reality must have hit huh

[Lexygirl]

I CAN'T BELIEVE I SPENT 8YRS OF MY LIFE WITH SOMEONE LIKE THIS!!!!

 

The only thing worse would be to waste 8 years AND 1 DAY on her honey.

I truly believe she does NONE of what she does to get to you or hurt you. I truly believe she does what she does because she has moved on and is just living her life. For you to do this, yourself, you must try to focus on something that is good for YOU and your son.. baby steps. One day at a time.... one moment at a time if you have to.

[andyg99]

Not to sound harsh but really? Gosh its that simple huh?

 

none of this is easy - nodoby here is telling you that, many here are in the middle of exactly what you are going through and they are moving on - ask them if it's easy... some of us have put it behind us, and no - it wasn't easy.... there's nothing easy or simple about any of this - my message is to do the work no matter how hard and stop letting that woman get the best of you...

 

and to be specific I think the work you need to do right now is this:

 

Don't initiate any contact unless it is about your son and it's something you BOTH need to discuss.

Never talk about the OM with her or about her breaking up your family - all topics should be about your boy ONLY

Be happy around your son - fake it until you make it

Never, ever say a bad word about your ex or her boyfriend to your son

 

that is a start - as you move forward there will be other things you need to do... no more just hanging in there, now it's time to move forward and live!

[marqueemoon4]

The only thing worse would be to waste 8 years AND 1 DAY on her honey.

I truly believe she does NONE of what she does to get to you or hurt you. I truly believe she does what she does because she has moved on and is just living her life.

 

Ok... there could be truth to that.. so, I assume that in order to move on she needed to do all these horrible/wrong things to get what she wanted? All of the trauma that has gone on since May 2010 was caused by HER. Because she felt numb towards me. As bad as I've handled it she's handled it far worse. So, because she has the capability to do severe damage to people and not feel a bit of guilt about it, allows her to do so? I guess legally it does, morally it sure as hell doesn't... especially when there is a child involved. Sorry you're just gonna have to deal with the fact I'm so weak and insecure that I have to move into some dudes house with our kid a few months after separation. Sorry, since we're not together anymore that opens the door for me to lie to you about everything, including details about OUR son. Sorry, I hook guys in by getting pregnant, you'll just have to deal with that and the negative impact it'll have on our son. Sorry!

[radiodarcy]

Well a friend called me and confirmed what I had suspected.... my exW is 5-6mos pregnant. Which technically means she most likely got knocked up before our divorce was even final. Unbelievable. What a pathetic human being she is. Every time I think she can't be any more disgusting, she finds a way.

 

yikes. i feel your pain mm4. i found out something similar via my ex today. and not throught he grapevine. he actually IM'ed me out of the blue to tell me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3787555&posted=1#post3787555

 

very considerate. and highly unnecessary. but that's him and i know him. so while my stomach has currently dropped, i'm not going to let him get to me. i merely clenched my teeth. said "congratulations" and left alone. no need to ask for the details. he was too happy to fill me in...

 

but it's ok. because i know if he went out of his way to tell me this - -things aren't as rosy as he'd like to have me think.

[jaymz]

MM4, like my missus she is a conflict avoider and a complete coward. Easier to make your life hell as she wants to punish you for her choices, have the affair etc so you will end it and divorce her, all the while she tells everyone how bad you are so she looks like the victim.

 

Step well back from the drama. Not your problem anymore.

[jaymz]

MM4, like my missus she is a conflict avoider and a complete coward. Easier to make your life hell as she wants to punish you for her choices, have the affair etc so you will end it and divorce her, all the while she tells everyone how bad you are so she looks like the victim.

 

Step well back from the drama. Not your problem anymore.

[marqueemoon4]

I don't know why but I just did a toxic relationship test online.. man, I did alot of that stuff.. ugh. Ignorance on my part... and doormatted her because I was older and in mind so much smarter. The horrible **** I said. I remember maybe 6mos after we met we were having a really nasty argument saying hurtful things to each, and I said something about her family (mainly her brothers who I really, really had nothing in common with) and she said yea well at least my parents wanted me (I'm adopted). I laughed it off but it hurt. I remember it like she said it 5 minutes ago. Words can cut so deep, and mine can be so awful. I hate that about myself.

 

Maybe I do deserve this, I have no idea. I wanted to fix it so badly but I pushed too far. The point of no return was probably before she ever left. All the struggling and fighting to hold on just made things 1000 times worse. She always took me back after I hurt her. When I was say something mean to her and she hung up on me, I would call her back and she would always pick up. WHAT xxxxx?? Unhealthy, I know, but I loved her for it. Moving so quickly into something really serious and having the child of someone you've known less than a year? Did I push her to this? Was our r/l or marriage so bad that she felt so liberated and wanted to put distance between us that she jumped right into this? I have no idea. I guess all i can do is if I'm ever in a committed relationship again to be good to her, love her, and accept her for who she is. Don't try to buy her love. If I'm honest I didn't with my exW.. she was like clay and was so into me and wanted to know everything I knew. I was so flattered a hot young girl wanted that from me. But I took advantage of it and tried to lead her in a direction that just wasn't her. And I resented her for that. We were BOTH immature and BOTH still are, though there isn't as much of an excuse for me because I'm the one who is so much older. I have a degree in Communications for sh*ts sake. Ugh. Our child is so amazing.. he deserves the best. He deserves a conflict free environment to grow up in. I want him to be happy and to succeed. He doesn't deserve any of this.

Edited December 29, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[marqueemoon4]

 

Don't initiate any contact unless it is about your son and it's something you BOTH need to discuss.

Never talk about the OM with her or about her breaking up your family - all topics should be about your boy ONLY

Be happy around your son - fake it until you make it

Never, ever say a bad word about your ex or her boyfriend to your son

 

 

1. yes.

2. yes.

3. I do pretty good with that.. will continue

4. I don't say anything about his mom. The bf is another story. I get that "you don't need to listen to him, he's not your father" mentality going.

 

I assume I shouldn't let on I know she's prego?

Edited December 29, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[andyg99]

1. yes.

The bf is another story. I get that "you don't need to listen to him, he's not your father" mentality going.

 

 

that's not good - you need to re-think that... having that attitude will only make it worse for YOUR SON!

[bigmomma1974]

When i started reading this I was angry I was thinking omfg a bunch of women haters wtf. Then I realized this is all part of the process of divorce no matter how the marriage ended. I am a divorced woman with kids and also remarried. Reguardless of how the marriage ended I went through all this as well and there wasn't any cheating invlved. We both tried to play games and realized somewhere along the way it was hard for the kids. Now we are both remarried, really great friends, and this benefits our children. Not saying this will ever happen for you but I want to voice my opinion about your son. Reguardless of how the marriage ended she will be a part of your life because of him, I know this seems impossible now, but being civil with her will benefit your son in a positive way. I noticed you miss him and this is normal, after the pain, anger and all subsides, maybe you can get to where my ex and I are at with our children. We both attend all functions, we speak to each other civil, heck most people will think this is odd but we even spend christmas time at nana's together with our spouses. We all get along great, my husband, his wife and the both of us. To us this is what helps our children realize no matter what happened with mommy and daddy we both love them all very much. I have 1 kid out of 3 that wishes that daddy and I would get back together but she also knows that when we where together it was ugly times. TImes now are different. There not ugly, we communicate alot better and hopefully one day after all this pain and you can move on something like this will happen between all of you. Seeing a Therpist may benefit you in the long run, also help you to move past alot of things you can't move past yet. Remember not all people are cheaters,liars and manupliutive. There are good people out there just as well as the bad ones. G/L

[LifesontheUp]

Not to sound harsh but really? Gosh its that simple huh?

 

No, never said it was simple. But what are you doing to get over this? Seems to me that you are still focusing on your ex wife instead of YOU and YOUR SON. You can do the same things over and over or you can take control of your life and get on with it for the sake of your son. Choice truly is yours MM4 whether you believe it or not.

 

Words can cut so deep, and mine can be so awful. I hate that about myself.

 

When I was say something mean to her and she hung up on me, I would call her back and she would always pick up. WHAT xxxxx?? Unhealthy, I know, but I loved her for it.

 

So you are realising your part in the failure of your marriage. Thats good because you can learn from it in order that your next one can be more healthy.

 

Our child is so amazing.. he deserves the best. He deserves a conflict free environment to grow up in. I want him to be happy and to succeed. He doesn't deserve any of this.

 

Absolutely what me and some others have been posting for a long time now. Your ex wife has moved on and from what I've read, she left an unhealthy relationship.

 

I don't believe your ex wife is deliberately doing things to annoy you, she is living her life now with someone else. You are just watching every little thing she does and says.

 

Your ex wife no longer jumps to your attention when you have been mean to her and ring her back. You are no longer in control of the situation and her. Time to let go, choice is yours.