Rash or not rash enough

[analystfromhell]

So if you look me up on the past few threads I've posted you'll see some of what's going on. Wife- having an affair at least emotional. Denies this but promised to stop texting- last night she did it again:

 

7/20/11 3:28 Her: Sorry to be short. Too exhausted last night to give the fauxlonial door the attention it deserved. Can arrange to smash bottle on it 3:28 AM

Her: Er, christen it 3:28 AM

Her: At your convenience. 3:28 AM

 

13 hours ago: Byah! 7:43 PM

Him: Does your phone stay alive for more than 10 hours now? 7:47 PM

Her Yup. 10hrs 10 minutes. 7:50 PM

 

7/19/11 7:42 PM14 hours ago

Him : Pseudo-Colonial door is it! Just need to install siding and Al Gore will bless this masterpiece to fight against global warming... 7:39 PM

Her: Git er done... 7:42 PM

 

Tonight, when she returns from work I want to have a discussion with her and hear exactly what's going on and where she intends to go with this and, if there is ANY future contact (they do work together though) then she needs to get a different place to live. I then would initiate a divorce. (6 years married, 7 together).

 

Would appreciate hearing from women esp those who have been in her situation- we have been talking for a few weeks and this has continued to go on. Am I acting rash or reasonable in your eyes. Any questions, any questions at all are fair game. (Yes we had our first counseling appointment today).

Edited July 20, 2011 by analystfromhell
Removed HTML tags.

[Spark1111]

'Look, if it makes your spouse (you) feel threatened, or insecure, you just don't do it.

 

Certainly not with a member of the opposite sex. Unh uh. That is what respect means. It is also enforcing good boundaries around the marriage.

 

I meant to reply to your other post re MC.

 

How did the session go?

[Spark1111]

To be more specific: I will not have a friend that is not a friend of the marriage, i.e. to both of us.

 

I do have professional acquaintances at work, have some friendly conversations at work, but I do not text them EVER from my personal cell phone.

 

I also tell my spouse everything about the work day and he does the same. We have also visited each other's workplace to meet up for lunch, dinner afterwards, etc.

 

I am an infidelity survivor, and I would not be happy if he was texting and joking with a woman from work while with me. He would not like it either.

[analystfromhell]

Spark1111- sounds like our boundaries are along the same lines. What you describe is precisely what seems reasonable to me and I will, if you don't mind, use that to frame a response when the question on boundaries comes up again.

 

Our first session was useful I thought and, as a result of my rash or not rash enough discussion which we had last night seemed to arrive at an impasse. She does not want to cease social or professional contact or have restrictions on where she goes, who she sees or when she contacts them; I don't see that as a useful situation for marriage and unless the MC can help us see another solution I'll ask her to move out, separate and divorce. She doesn't seem to push in that direction at all- she wants whatever she sees it is we have, but she wants no restrictions on how she interacts with this guy either. Not only doesn't want, but will actively avoid or do whatever she likes. During the discussion above I noticed that during the first part we happened to be talking about tickets to Tosh.0 I got- she has been wanting to go all summer but it was expensive. I got the tickets- no thank you and she was busy having the chat above at the very same time I was telling her about the tickets. Her response? Evidently to feel bad she had been distracted by our conversation and feeling sorry about not devoting enough time or attention to his door. Basically, unless the MC is a genius or we discover some new way to open up conduits of understand than I don't see this as going anywhere but downhill fast.

[Spark1111]

ok then....show up at her workplace and start taking her out to lunch. Start sending flowers to her there.

 

If you happen to meet this co-worker, plant a big smile on your face and be pleased to meet him, as in "my wife has mentioned so much about you."

 

Do whatever it takes to make your presence known in HER workplace and with her co-workers.

 

People who love and care for each other, share everything, including the workplace and colleagues they are fond of.

 

Look at the infidelity or OW sections: threads upon threads of people who had affairs that DID NOT CARE to know, meet, or see the spouse.

 

Other than the concert, what do you two do to have fun? Spend time with each other? How often do you talk to each other during the day?

 

Remember back to when you were dating? Because that is the same vibe a new "interested" person gives us.

 

Look, if you are serious about getting your marriage on track....try it. You have nothing to lose.

 

If you are not, these actions may seem unnatural to you.

 

Only you can decide the right choice for you.

[analystfromhell]

We do quite few things- I mean eating out, going to shows, etc. Not a lot of things with other couples as she typically is completely not into that a lot of my friends (whom I don't see a lot anymore but need to re-establish) are a little too over the edge for her.

 

Those are very good ideas- the MC has been good also about very slowly and gently peeling back my SO veneer of lies and deceit without scaring her off. I haven't been exposed to counselors before but thus far have been pretty impressed.

 

I will try to show up the workplace- will be a bit tough to organize because of security but great idea. Based on married man book, will need to make it surprise and just slightly inconvenient because and the counselor indirectly pointed out, neither of us has a dominant position in the relationship and it would be best if I planted myself there.

 

I've put my SO in the public position of needing to follow through on her promise to introduce me to the OM AND his wife when she returns with the kids. That was my original position and if doesn't happen shows my SO real intent (and she's out of the house) or it does happen and I suddenly may have a strong alley or at least the threat of even more consequences to the OM as well as my SO (have everything thus far documented though I'm pretty sure she's trying to go covert and again, if that happens- out).

 

Meanwhile I'm getting lots of "don't kick me out of the house" sex which sort of sucks but hey, it's enjoyable and take it while you can get it. It's also a good chance to re-establish the importance of a good sex life and hope that takes hold for as long as the marriage stays in place. You offer good advice I think.

[reboot]

I'm not a woman, but I can tell you for a fact, there is nothing rash nor unreasonable about your position. Continued contact with OM is a deal breaker, and the next time would be lawyer time.

[Spark1111]

We do quite few things- I mean eating out, going to shows, etc. Not a lot of things with other couples as she typically is completely not into that a lot of my friends (whom I don't see a lot anymore but need to re-establish) are a little too over the edge for her.

 

Those are very good ideas- the MC has been good also about very slowly and gently peeling back my SO veneer of lies and deceit without scaring her off. I haven't been exposed to counselors before but thus far have been pretty impressed.

 

I will try to show up the workplace- will be a bit tough to organize because of security but great idea. Based on married man book, will need to make it surprise and just slightly inconvenient because and the counselor indirectly pointed out, neither of us has a dominant position in the relationship and it would be best if I planted myself there.

 

I've put my SO in the public position of needing to follow through on her promise to introduce me to the OM AND his wife when she returns with the kids. That was my original position and if doesn't happen shows my SO real intent (and she's out of the house) or it does happen and I suddenly may have a strong alley or at least the threat of even more consequences to the OM as well as my SO (have everything thus far documented though I'm pretty sure she's trying to go covert and again, if that happens- out).

 

Meanwhile I'm getting lots of "don't kick me out of the house" sex which sort of sucks but hey, it's enjoyable and take it while you can get it. It's also a good chance to re-establish the importance of a good sex life and hope that takes hold for as long as the marriage stays in place. You offer good advice I think.

 

Ok, so you will need a lot of patience as the MC starts to peel your wife's veneers away and treats her with somewhat, kid gloves.

 

It CAN be exasperating, but I do believe the professionals recognize which partner needs the most therapy and is the least likely to stay to receive it.

 

Also, since the marriage is the client, and as there are no perfect marriages, please prepare to take a turn or two in the hot seat. Many go to MC hoping to resolve their personal issues with their spouse, yet the counselor, if they are any good, will try to preserve the marriage.

 

So, there are things we can ALL improve on personally to make the marriage better.

 

Me? I had to learn to shut up and listen more.