This is keeping me up at night...

[Alfie]

2 years ago I met a man that I thank God for everyday. He treats me like a queen and is amazing to me and my family and friends. Lately we have been talking about taking the next step and possibly getting engaged. I get excited about it for the most part, bc I do want to be married and become a mother, and start a new chapter of my life, I just wonder if HE is the person I truly want to do this with. There are months where I am completely fine and can't wait to move fwd with him but there are also times where I wonder if I am selling my self short bc I know I am not "madly in love" and I always thought when you find the person you want to marry, it should feel different, it should be....more. I get so envious of girls that say how in love they are etc but at the same time I know I have the world in my hands when I'm next to this guy. I've tried to back out of the relationship a few times bc I thought there was more or (hate to say it) better for me out there. But we somehow always get back together. I just feel this very strong pull towards him, where I keep thinking I should be with him, and I would be STUPID to leave him. Then again sometimes I just look at him and I'm like "eeeh, this is it?" Other times I'm like "thank God for you." I have seen a counselor to discuss the situation a bit bc everyone keeps suggesting that I need to see one for commitment issues. I am committed to him, I guess I'm just not sure if I want to be committed for the rest of my life to this person. I know most of you will ask, so I will tell you now that I just turned 25 and he is 33. He is the most serious relationship I've ever had and it would be so miserably hard for me to walk away from him, and i don't want to walk away but I guess I just don't know if I want to stay for the rest of my life either. Should I give this more time, walk away, or just take a break? I would appreciate any advice, and please don't call me a cold-hearted bitch either bc I really am losing sleep over this.

[vsmini]

Your feelings are valid and common and you are still very young at having just turned 25. It's no secret that yes, you need to figure this out. Because most likely these thoughts and worries of "is this it?" won't go away and you don't want to end up marrying the guy if you'll always have this nagging doubt.

 

Consider dropping the grass is always greener syndrome if you know this guy is amazing because you might not find it again - but certainly don't stay with him out of fear that you might not do better.

 

talk to a therapist or seek couples counseling because chances are that this nagging doubt of yours will never go away unless you break up and actually "see what's out there" or work through this together.

[ImageofLove]

Your feelings could be quite normal considering you are only mid 20s. Most people still have their feelers out during their 20s working out what they want and trying out new things and people. It sounds like this man has maybe just come at the wrong time in your life. It may also be that your relationship is more platonic than romantic with chemistry?

 

It's very hard to work out if the feelings you are experiencing are 'the grass is greener' or if the relationship is just not 'enough' for you. I was told once that a relationship doesn't have to be bad for you to question if it is enough for you. This makes it hard to leave because there is not really any reason to leave, except for the nagging doubts you have. This is probably your gut instinct telling you something.

 

Good luck.

[Alfie]

Thank you for your replies.

@Lady Day, every woman in my family have been dealt a pretty ****ty hand in men. So I do understand and believe you when you say good men don't come around very often. And this is the reason I have stayed with this guy all this time.

@Imageoflove, I think what you are saying about my age is a huge part of the problem. I do think I am a bit too young, and the nagging doubt or fear that I have is this: I don't want to wake up in ten years thinking "dam when i was 25 I was young single and hot and had it all, I shouldn't have gotten married so young and taken my time to me the perfect guy for me." At the same time, I am aware of my age and do want to have children sooner than later.

[LuluJ]

I completely agree with Lady Day... nobody is perfect and if he's amazing and you love him and he treats you like a queen, then you've found a good man who stands half a chance of being faithful and sticking it out for the long haul. Don't leave him on the off chance that The Perfect Man will come along... HE WON'T!!

 

However, I think your doubts aren't about HIM, they're about MARRIAGE. You might just flat out not be emotionally ready to commit to one man (ANY man) for life. It's a pretty big age difference (I understand, I'm 26 dating a 38 year old man, and I think he's the bee's knees, but the age difference definitely exists and definitely comes up), so maybe you need to explain to him that you love him, and you want to commit, but you want to make it a longer engagement so that you can get used to the idea. If he loves you, he'll understand and he WILL wait.

 

Don't beat yourself up, forever is a long time, especially if you're 25!! Don't feel like you have to leave someone just because you're not ready to pledge your life to them tomorrow!! Give yourself some time!!

 

Good luck, girl. You are not a cold hearted bitch, and anyone who says you are is an idiot.

[Alfie]

I completely agree with Lady Day... nobody is perfect and if he's amazing and you love him and he treats you like a queen, then you've found a good man who stands half a chance of being faithful and sticking it out for the long haul. Don't leave him on the off chance that The Perfect Man will come along... HE WON'T!!

 

However, I think your doubts aren't about HIM, they're about MARRIAGE. You might just flat out not be emotionally ready to commit to one man (ANY man) for life. It's a pretty big age difference (I understand, I'm 26 dating a 38 year old man, and I think he's the bee's knees, but the age difference definitely exists and definitely comes up), so maybe you need to explain to him that you love him, and you want to commit, but you want to make it a longer engagement so that you can get used to the idea. If he loves you, he'll understand and he WILL wait.

 

Don't beat yourself up, forever is a long time, especially if you're 25!! Don't feel like you have to leave someone just because you're not ready to pledge your life to them tomorrow!! Give yourself some time!!

 

Good luck, girl. You are not a cold hearted bitch, and anyone who says you are is an idiot.

 

Lady: Thank you so much for those words, I can tell you are a bit older than me and you gave me such sound advice. You're right, I think i will ask him to wait. However I am afraid that waiting won't make a difference; or that my serious reservations are about the man, not the marriage.

 

LuLu: you have no idea how much comfort your words brought me, especially bc you are my age and are dating an older man as well. But like I said in my OP, sometimes I wake up thinking if the MAN is wrong for me, not marriage. Not talking about cold feet or tiny confusion, I'm talking about my thoughts and feelings about him are serious and on he extreme ends of the spectrum (from yes I want to marry you to no we have to break up). And thats what keeping me up at night.

[make me believe]

But like I said in my OP, sometimes I wake up thinking if the MAN is wrong for me, not marriage. Not talking about cold feet or tiny confusion, I'm talking about my thoughts and feelings about him are serious and on he extreme ends of the spectrum (from yes I want to marry you to no we have to break up). And thats what keeping me up at night.

 

Please... DO NOT marry this guy. I completely disagree with the others. He may be a great guy, nice, funny, whatever... but if you are having doubts about him then he's NOT the guy for you. Refusing to settle does not make you picky or spoiled! Seriously, go over to the infidelity section or the separation & divorce section. There are SO many threads that start out with something like "I had doubts going into the marriage, but my husband was just so nice & sweet that I figured we could make it work even though I wasn't totally in love with him..." or some variation of that. And those situations never end up well.

 

I am 28 and my husband is 33. We recently got married and I can honestly tell you that I have never once doubted if he was "the one" for me. NEVER did the thought that there might be someone better out there cross my mind. Please don't settle for somebody who makes you wonder if there's someone better for you! You are ONLY 25. You have tons of time to get married & have kids.

 

However, I think your doubts aren't about HIM, they're about MARRIAGE.

 

How can you say that when she flat out says that she's not madly in love with him, gets jealous when she hears other girls talk about how in love they are with their partners, thinks there is someone better for her, and has tried to break up with him several times?!

[KathyM]

2 years ago I met a man that I thank God for everyday. He treats me like a queen and is amazing to me and my family and friends. Lately we have been talking about taking the next step and possibly getting engaged. I get excited about it for the most part, bc I do want to be married and become a mother, and start a new chapter of my life, I just wonder if HE is the person I truly want to do this with. There are months where I am completely fine and can't wait to move fwd with him but there are also times where I wonder if I am selling my self short bc I know I am not "madly in love" and I always thought when you find the person you want to marry, it should feel different, it should be....more. I get so envious of girls that say how in love they are etc but at the same time I know I have the world in my hands when I'm next to this guy. I've tried to back out of the relationship a few times bc I thought there was more or (hate to say it) better for me out there. But we somehow always get back together. I just feel this very strong pull towards him, where I keep thinking I should be with him, and I would be STUPID to leave him. Then again sometimes I just look at him and I'm like "eeeh, this is it?" Other times I'm like "thank God for you." I have seen a counselor to discuss the situation a bit bc everyone keeps suggesting that I need to see one for commitment issues. I am committed to him, I guess I'm just not sure if I want to be committed for the rest of my life to this person. I know most of you will ask, so I will tell you now that I just turned 25 and he is 33. He is the most serious relationship I've ever had and it would be so miserably hard for me to walk away from him, and i don't want to walk away but I guess I just don't know if I want to stay for the rest of my life either. Should I give this more time, walk away, or just take a break? I would appreciate any advice, and please don't call me a cold-hearted bitch either bc I really am losing sleep over this.

If you thank God for him every day and he treats you like a queen, then you'd be foolish to leave him. Guys like that don't grow on trees. Don't take a break. Keep shopping for that ring. My older sister had the same situation as you, but she made the other choice. She broke off the engagement with the guy that treated her like a queen and was pure gold (nicest guy you'd ever meet who worshipped the ground she walked on). All of her friends and family really liked the guy as well. She thought she could do better (he was an Average Joe looking guy). Well, she married the next guy she dated because he was a better kisser . Well, kissing is important, but I think that's something that can be worked on. So she married the horn dog who wanted to have sex multiple times a day and he ended up being a total jerk to her, her kids, her family and an ass in general. She divorced him after five years because he was physically abusive. She laments every time I see her how she wishes she had married the first guy who treated her so well. End of story.

[Alfie]

Thank you ladies for all your advice. For the past week I have been waking up feeling so negative about him. I don't even see the good in him anymore. I don't if this is a subconscious self-healing or preparing thing that I'm doing to help me decide, but I have honestly been thinking that really even if there is so much good about him, there is still some bad that I don't even know if it is healthy or normal at this point. I think to myself "wow he took such good care of me and took me to the dr last week.......but he did try to tell me and the dr. how we should treat my ear infection, and we fought about it on the way home." Or "he is so understanding and gave me such good advice about taking a day off work....but he did get mad when I wouldn't tell my boss exactly what he wanted me to tell him....."

[make me believe]

Alfie, I'm honestly shocked that people are advising you to marry him even though you are having all of these doubts. This sounds like an "I love him but I'm not in love with him" story waiting to happen. People may say that you are being "too picky" but the bottom line is you are having MAJOR misgivings and at the very least you should postpone the wedding and do some serious thinking about this potential marriage.

 

Everybody has bad traits, but if it gets to the point where his negative points are overpowering his positive ones and you can't see the good in him anymore, then I don't think you can ignore that. I think you know in your gut that he is not the man for you. Everything in your posts says that you want to get out, and it kinda seems like you're looking for validation or for someone to assure you that your reasons are "good enough." Your feelings and doubts are HUGE reasons not to marry this guy, in my opinion.