Lookingforjoy Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I posted on LS abt 1-2 years ago and was rightly criticized by all for my past behaviors.To point where I was shamed off the boards and did not return until today. I made mistakes with my wife and in my life and cannot change that fact... I tried to give it time and work with my wife (after first working on myself) but the plain fact is that my wife doesn't trust me. I barely trust myself but have stopped cheating on her for over 3-4 years now. My problem is that I am not in love with my wife and this problem sits in our marriage like an elephant in the living room. I cannot bring myself to cut the knot however and cld continue living like this indefinitely. My wife is unhappy though and her distrust and unhappiness seem only to grow as the children get older (1 is 15 and the otehr just graduated fm college last week). The tension and scenes are getting out of hand and I am left with realization that my presence is making her miserable... She talks about me being an unfaithful bastard in public and seems to get satisfaction from publicly humiliating me. I feel guilty as I am the party which was unfaithful and I broke her trust in me . So I always let these incidents wash off my back as much as i can. But they are getting more common and more explosive. Tried MC for 1 year (and wld again but she refuses to go). I have to divorce my wife but this will cause a violent rupture for her and be an excuse for extreme behavior on her part - of this I am very afraid. I live in fear of her moods and the scenes which result . I am not looking for sympathy and deserve none, nor do I blame my wife. I need courage to do what is right for her and for me. Any constructive suggestions would be helpful and very appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Tech_E Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Verbal abuse is not acceptable. Period. That aside it seems to me that your wife has not forgiven you and gotten past your cheating. This is a recipe for disaster. Either it must be faced head on and dealt with or divorce is the most logical option. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 have you COMPLETELY owned all your inappropriate behavior - showed complete transparency to your wife so that she can see your truth? have you done action to set things right? or are you simply exhibiting old behavior that continues to bring about her suspicions? Link to post Share on other sites
laehop Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 Trust is a funny thing... I am dealing with that one now. I broke the trust of someone I love by lying to them. I dont think I will ever recover their trust either and I have no one to blame but myself. So with that being said, I have learned to either tell the truth now and see what happens or keep lying to yourself and your wife about these feelings and have a worse out come later. Neither option is the best, but the sooner it is out there, the sooner the healing can start! Link to post Share on other sites
andyg99 Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 I think the sad answer is that once cheating is involved the marriage is for the most part doomed... in order for it to work it takes the cheater making amends pretty much for the rest of their life, and the one cheated on has to truly forgive and be in a "trust, but verify" mode for the rest of their lives... I guess it can be done - I tried letting a cheater back into my life after 15 years apart, I realized that I had to trust that she changed but in a short while her past behaviors re-surfaced and I felt like I went back in time 15 years... Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 20, 2011 Share Posted July 20, 2011 you said this back in oct 2010: yep, i went to look at your history now - so things make more sense - but my gut was still on target... When I came clean to her 3 years ago- I told her everything about my past and my double-life...as it was the only way to make a new start with her... Meanwhile I think daily about the OW , who'm I still love.I cannot go back to her (yes I know it is presumptuous that she would take me back after now 3 years) or go on with my life until I find some happiness or resolution in my marriage. I cannot make a happiness out of an unhappiness.It must be clear conscious decision you may have been without a drink - but you weren't "sober" in the sense of what your big book outlines for you. do your step work - all the steps! you will understand you have been operating on YOUR self will, not your higher power's will. your life is what is expected when a person is operating on their character defects. it can change - but YOU have work to do. get a sponsor - work your steps. own YOUR part in it (how YOU participated) - then do your amends to set things right (this takes contrary action). your W being angry should be expected... she should be angry - you wasted 17 years of her life by lying and cheating! IF you expect to have things get better - you need to participate completely opposite of what you've ever done. leading that double life... your wife is feeling like she doesn't know the man she thought she knew/loved/married. time for change. time to set what YOU want aside and find out what God's will looks like. and stay away from even THINKING about OW while doing your step work... you have been greedy and selfish in those areas = and that's what got you to this awful place... causing harm to so many. stop hurting others - that is not God's will... can you begin step work TODAY? and read your book! becoming RECOVERED (past tense - one day at a time) doesn't look like what you describe in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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