I cheated and i need to get some trust back.. how?

[JEN20]

I have never done this before so im just getting to the point. I cheated on my boyfriend 3 times same guy.. we have been dating for a year and a half and the cheating happened in Febuary of 2011 so i need help in dhowing him he can trust me again.. i love him more than anything and he keeps telling me that im running out of time and i dont want to loose him.. we werent doing very good at the time i wasnt looking for it.. im not innocent but i do want this to work.. im so empty without him and i honestly think i have ruined everything.. i just want to show him i can be trusted im not going anywhere without and that i love him.. we havent gotten any better since it happened 6 months now i thought i was doing something and he keps telling me im not.. i just dont have a clue as to what to do.. it was the biggest mistake i have ever made.. its bad i feel horrible i broke his heart and i want to fix it so bad.. help

[Chi townD]

okay,

 

You've been dating for a year and a half. And how old are you guys?

 

To be honest, he's NEVER going to fully trust you again. Even if you two seem to turn it around and have a very strong relationship, he's always going to put a little distance between the two of you because he doesn't want to hurt again. You are the reason he can't trust, so you have to be patient and re-assure him often and even that's not a guarantee. The relationship you once had is gone for good. No wishing it back because you are the one that threw it way.

 

I would strongly recommend couples counseling if you're old enough.

[Space Ritual]

I have never done this before so im just getting to the point. I cheated on my boyfriend 3 times same guy.. we have been dating for a year and a half and the cheating happened in Febuary of 2011 so i need help in dhowing him he can trust me again.. i love him more than anything and he keeps telling me that im running out of time and i dont want to loose him.. we werent doing very good at the time i wasnt looking for it.. im not innocent but i do want this to work.. im so empty without him and i honestly think i have ruined everything.. i just want to show him i can be trusted im not going anywhere without and that i love him.. we havent gotten any better since it happened 6 months now i thought i was doing something and he keps telling me im not.. i just dont have a clue as to what to do.. it was the biggest mistake i have ever made.. its bad i feel horrible i broke his heart and i want to fix it so bad.. help

 

Most likely you won't be able to fix it....3 times is pretty bad. You can start showing him your remorse by showing complete transparency. I mean by giving him all your passwords, and access to anything he wants without hesitation....also by going complete no contact with your affair partner ans sending a No contact letter that is approved by your boyfriend..

 

Then you can write out a timeline for him as to the incidents, and answer any question of his without hesitation and with total honesty...even if it hurts him, ultimately he will thank you for your honesty,whether you reconcile or not.

 

Of course there is absolutely NO guarantee that even if you were to undertake this he would stay with you...and I understand on the surface it seems like a whole bunch of stuff to even consider without any guarantees...

But if you are truly remorseful(sounds more like you feel guilty and there is a HUGE difference) it can be accomplished. Just depends on how much work you are willing to put into it.

 

While you are at it, along with couples counseling as ChiTown suggested I'd go a little further and get yourself some Individual Counseling regardless...in order for you to attempt to discover why you would have done this in the first place

 

Good Luck...

[PegNosePete]

Totally agree with Space Ritual, couldn't have put it better myself. That is exactly what you should do.

 

But from your writing style I think you are reasonably young so it might be too much for you to handle. Apologies if I have mis-judged your age. Overcoming infidelity is a long, hard road. If you are young then it's probably better (for you and him) to move on.

[Waffles]

If you cheated three times, you're basically fracked.

 

Not trying to be rude OP, but monogamous relationships aren't for you. Maybe later on in life when you know yourself better, if ever.

 

Agree with SR though.

[Memphis Raines]

I have never done this before so im just getting to the point. I cheated on my boyfriend 3 times same guy.. we have been dating for a year and a half and the cheating happened in Febuary of 2011 so i need help in dhowing him he can trust me again.. i love him more than anything

 

If that were true, you wouldn't have cheated on him.

 

 

 

and he keeps telling me that im running out of time and i dont want to loose him..

 

running out of time for what?

 

 

we werent doing very good at the time i wasnt looking for it..

 

so?

 

 

im not innocent but i do want this to work.. im so empty without him and i honestly think i have ruined everything..

 

even if he stays, you have ruined it in some way still. because forgiveness or not, your cheating will always be in the back of his mind. And you will never get the level of trust back from him you once had.

 

 

i just want to show him i can be trusted

 

 

but you can't be trusted.

 

 

im not going anywhere without and that i love him.. we havent gotten any better since it happened 6 months now i thought i was doing something and he keps telling me im not.. i just dont have a clue as to what to do.. it was the biggest mistake i have ever made..

 

even if you could call cheating a mistake, which you can't because you wanted it, you did it 3 TIMES. so don't try to downplay your actions by calling it a mistake. call it a stupid, selfish decision, but not a mistake.

 

 

its bad i feel horrible i broke his heart and i want to fix it so bad.. help

 

if its not getting any better after 6 months, as a guy that has had to deal with being cheated on by a woman, i can tell you more than likely what he is thinking/feeling.

 

he has visions in his head of you doing anything and everything with this guy and to this guy. those visions will never go away.

 

even if he gets better and tries to block it out and if things seem ok between you two, here comes the triggers in his head and he will be reeling inside with anger.

 

the chances of him ever trusting you again is slim. because whether or not he does forgive you and move on, he will NEVER FORGET you screwing around with another guy.

 

and honestly, if he was smart, he'd leave. so as a guy that this has happened to, from my experience, there wouldn't be a thing you could do to make it up. because us guys typically don't want to take a chance on someone that would screw another guy behind our backs. call it ego, pride, or common sense. but ask yourself, if your boyfriend screwed another girl several times, what would it take for HIM to make it up to you?

 

I think you'd have a hard time thinking of what it would take.

 

The only thing I can think of to tell you what it would take if a gf of mine cheated, is that if you are the partying type, then that is over if the girl wants to keep me. because anytime you are away from him, he will be thinking that if he is out of sight he will be out of your mind.

[drifter777]

JEN20: Don't be an idiot - move on. Reconciliation is more painful and difficult than you can imagine. Since it doesn't sound like you have kids together, let go and try again with a new guy. You both deserve a chance to be happy and time is ticking away while you try to fix this relationship that you broke. One tip for your next relationship: Don't Cheat!

[JEN20]

Thank u i appreciate the advice.. I do deserve that yes i messed it up.. Im not the parting type.. Im running out of time to fix it.. I have tried to cut it off between us.. It doesnt work.. I have tried everything.. Giving him passwords showing i have nothing to hide i get the images.. We are talking about it now.. I feel like im not gonna be able to fix it.. I cant make those images get out of his head i know that, and i get the whole if u love him why u do it part.. But at the time we never once said we loved each other.. He didnt tell me that till after i cheated, im not blaming this on him or anything it was my f'd up decision.. But it really felt at the time are relationship was falling apart.. See i have never cheated on anyone before him.. I despised it.. But im not making excuses.. But i went through alot with him his ex wife his ex girlfriend showing up.. I literally got broke up with every other month for crap.. He broke up with me for leaving his house.. How would that make u feel?? Made me feel freaking low.. We were barely talking.. I tried to talk to him before all this happened so i could tell him how i felt and everytime i asked to go to his place to talk it he always said no.. So how does that make a girl feel like crap.. Im not blaming it on him again.. Im blaming it on him.. But this is how i felt at the time.. Honestly i want to be with him but at the same time its like fighting for a lost cause.. And even after i did it i broke up with him and he didnt except it.. I gave up told him that i didnt want to do it anymore and he still wanted me back.. This man is 30 yrs old.. Im sorry this happened this happened to u.. But this is not who i am i dont cheat and i did.. It kills me every day.. Knowing that i hurt him like that.. It was honestly the hardest thing..and i should of done alot of things differently.. Really.. And i know all that.. It just sucks i didnt realize no matter what kinda crap we went through how much i loved him.. This may sound worse but he was/is my first love.. Ok im 20 yrs old.. It may sound worse but to me age is a number.. Not a judgment..

[JEN20]

I have tried to give him passwords my phone i took that advice and he shot it down.. Saying he didnt want to be that kinda guy.. In his words stalker.. I told him i said how am i going to prove u wrong if u dont wanna be proved wrong.. If u honestly think im out messing around or not at home.. He has my house number.. I live with my parents now.. But he can always call and ask i get that i messed this up.. I do.. And trust is a big issue and i broke that.. But can u honestly fix it yourself with the other person waiting.. See this is what im so confused about.. Im so young i have never been in this kinda relationship.. It is very frustrating cause i honestly am trying everything gps coordinates.. Calling him on my breaks at work in the morning when i get up right after work.. When i go home i go home.. I dont talk to the other guy.. I have quit one job and got fired from another becasue of all this yes again my fault.. I know.. I have takin the blame i have sincerely apologized several times one too many to count.. I feel so screwed im on the internet talking to ppl i dont even know about all this.. When im on my phone i make sure he can see who im talking to what im doing.. I have absolutly nothing to hide it wont ever happen again.. I get the saying once a cheater always a cheater.. I used to go by it.. But after this expierence its something i would never ever do again it just hurts for everyone.. And its absolutly pointless.. I wasnt happy.. I should of just broke up with him but like i said before it didnt even feel like we were together maybe this relationship is just flat screwed.. Idk but i dont party.. I work and i work hard then i go home.. Im just frustrated.. He honestly wants me to fix it but idk if i can.. He also brings up his fantasy this whole three some thing.. I cant watch him have sex with another girl i cant.. I told him he could go find 2 other girls but im not gonna be apart of it because he didnt walk in on us it didnt even happen around him.. Yes to him but not around him.. I would think differently if he walked in on us or something but im sorry that is not the case.. I have so many emotions problems questions that are very difficult. Waffle u maybe correct.. And ur not being rude i obviously wanted advice and im getting it.. Whether it be good or bad.. But i do know myself.. And cheating is the worst thing in the world. And i did it.. And it sucks i ruined my relationship..

[JEN20]

if that were true, you wouldn't have cheated on him.

 

 

 

 

 

Running out of time for what?

 

 

 

 

So?

 

 

 

 

Even if he stays, you have ruined it in some way still. Because forgiveness or not, your cheating will always be in the back of his mind. And you will never get the level of trust back from him you once had.

 

 

 

 

 

But you can't be trusted.

 

 

 

 

Even if you could call cheating a mistake, which you can't because you wanted it, you did it 3 times. So don't try to downplay your actions by calling it a mistake. Call it a stupid, selfish decision, but not a mistake.

 

I appreciate the advice.. I can see what ur saying.. It was selfish .. But sir i wasnt looking for it.. It wasnt going through my head hey lets go cheat on my boyfriend.. Thats not it.. But i own up to my decisions.. And i have tried to talk to him about all this and why i was unhappy and everything.. And he yells saying im turning it around on him but im not.. It was my decision..

 

 

 

 

If its not getting any better after 6 months, as a guy that has had to deal with being cheated on by a woman, i can tell you more than likely what he is thinking/feeling.

 

He has visions in his head of you doing anything and everything with this guy and to this guy. Those visions will never go away.

 

Even if he gets better and tries to block it out and if things seem ok between you two, here comes the triggers in his head and he will be reeling inside with anger.

 

The chances of him ever trusting you again is slim. Because whether or not he does forgive you and move on, he will never forget you screwing around with another guy.

 

And honestly, if he was smart, he'd leave. So as a guy that this has happened to, from my experience, there wouldn't be a thing you could do to make it up. Because us guys typically don't want to take a chance on someone that would screw another guy behind our backs. Call it ego, pride, or common sense. But ask yourself, if your boyfriend screwed another girl several times, what would it take for him to make it up to you?

 

I think you'd have a hard time thinking of what it would take.

 

The only thing i can think of to tell you what it would take if a gf of mine cheated, is that if you are the partying type, then that is over if the girl wants to keep me. Because anytime you are away from him, he will be thinking that if he is out of sight he will be out of your mind.

 

again thank u i really do appreciate the advice.. Or in another words b****ing out.. I do deserve it..

[JEN20]

The best thing you can do is break up with him. Everyone deserves true happyness, especially him. He should have the choice weather or not he wants to be with a woman who was tainted by another mans seed. Chances are, you will cheat again. Maybe you should take some time to take care of yourself and see a shrink to figure out why you cheated, the core root of the problem, in the meantime let him go so he can find a more quality mature woman who is loyal.

 

 

Thank you..

[Chi townD]

I hate to say it, but you might have to let him go. You'll read about married couples where one cheated on the other. The person that cheated wants to reconcile the relationship, and they try. Sometimes they succeed. But, it took them YEARS to do it. The cheater is constantly walking on eggshells, had been subjected to verbal abuse for quite some time. Dealing with the spouses emotional rollercoaster and the only thing they can do is take the abuse and be loving and reassurring throughout. Dealing with the triggerring that happens to the spouse when they see or hear something that reminds them of your cheating, and this can happen even when you think you to are fully recovered.

 

Now, after reading that, if you don't think that you can endure that for a year or more, then you might want to cut ties and remember what NOT to do in future relationships.

[jnj express]

You shouldn't even be in a relation ship at 20 yrs old---you should be sowing your wild oats, dating, having fun

 

Forget this guy----he basically treated you like an immature kid when he was with you, and he can't be very confident in himself if he has to be with a young girl, can't he handle women his own age----

 

JUst move on, and forget all of this----do not beg this guy, he has already shown by the way he treats you, that he is not one to be in a relationship with

[thatone]

ok you're not right for cheating on him, first of all, nor is his behavior an excuse.

 

but the more you say about him the more he looks like no saint either.

 

he's a grown man manipulating a 20 year old, and you're buying it. the best advice anyone can give you is this is not how relationships are supposed to be, so end it.

 

alternatively, have a string of dysfunctional relationships like these and be a mentally deranged 40 year old woman who is still looking for the perfect jackass 20 years later.

[KathyM]

I have never done this before so im just getting to the point. I cheated on my boyfriend 3 times same guy.. we have been dating for a year and a half and the cheating happened in Febuary of 2011 so i need help in dhowing him he can trust me again.. i love him more than anything and he keeps telling me that im running out of time and i dont want to loose him.. we werent doing very good at the time i wasnt looking for it.. im not innocent but i do want this to work.. im so empty without him and i honestly think i have ruined everything.. i just want to show him i can be trusted im not going anywhere without and that i love him.. we havent gotten any better since it happened 6 months now i thought i was doing something and he keps telling me im not.. i just dont have a clue as to what to do.. it was the biggest mistake i have ever made.. its bad i feel horrible i broke his heart and i want to fix it so bad.. help

Once you've shown that you can't be trusted, it's extremely hard to get the trust back. Most of the time, the trust never does come back completely, no matter what you do. But you may want to try first explaining to him how very important he is to you. How you were a complete fool to not realize that and to jeaopardize your relationship with him. How very sorry you are that you ever took that action, and promise him that it will never happen again. Ask for forgiveness. Tell him you will never do anything ever again to jeaopardize your relationship. And then, if he decides to continue with you, don't ever do anything that even hints at inappropriate behavior with another man. Trust is regained very slowly over a long period of time, although is seldom ever restored completely. Once you've shown that you can't be trusted, there will always be that doubt in his mind. But the longer you show yourself to be trustworthy, the more trust will be restored. Don't flirt with other guys. Don't take their phone calls or Emails, unless it is for business purposes or totally benign purposes. Don't say flirtatious things on fb to or about other men. Be very careful who you accept as a friend on fb. Don't have a wandering eye when you go out with your boyfriend. Don't talk admiringly about other men to your boyfriend. Make sure he knows how much you love him, and tell him frequently. The way to regain trust is to show him you have changed, by behaving in a way that is trustworthy. Over time, he will regain more trust if you continually show him you can be trusted, but it is likely he will have periods of doubt about you for a long time to come. Trust can usually never be fully restored once it is broken.