JaneyAmazed Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 The thread reminded me of how much I didn't trust my xOM. He seemed "in love" with me but the fact that he didn't mind "loving" a few people at one time in the past always made me suspicious. But of course, since I was married, I made no demands of him. I had no right. I hated that feeling. I hated the "who's he with tonight?" feeling I'd get. Meanwhile, my H is expecting I'm with no one else but him, and he had every right. That was part of the insanity of an affair. I have never felt so lost and so out of touch with reality as I was when I was in the affair. That's a whole other thread though... Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 That's a whole other thread though... That's even more we have in common Janey. The ex-OM would try to "guilt me" and say he was dating others because I would not leave my H etc. Problem is at one stage (after hindsight, 2+2 etc), I realised he was seeing 2 other women at the same time. OK now I really did have no right to call him out on that but these 2 women did not know about me and did not know about each other. I know that he ended things with them in a very selfish, uncaring way once they had served their purpose in making me hurt and cry. They were victims of the affair just as my H was. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 (edited) That is what is so hard for me to understand; the mourning and grieving that goes on and on and on. When are you (general you) going to stop with the standing trapped in the past and not move forward? I get grieving for the end of a relationship - if a person doesn't grieve then either it meant nothing to them or they already grieved the end before it truly came. But to sit and be so depressed months and months after it ends? To me, that is because the person who is grieving is living in the past and waiting and waiting for 'maybe one day'. As for the whole "owning crap"... please. Most people in committed relationships don't expect their partner to go tramping about. That is why they are in a committed relationship and has NOTHING to do with owning anyone. It is called monogamy and being exclusive. Why would anyone who claims to love another person want to go date someone else? I get why someone who enjoys being with various men for sex not wanting to be tied down; they enjoy the variety, the lack of commitment, the lack of intimacy, etc. they don't want to be with just one person, they could be commitment phobic or just not have a good track record with fidelity. But just because those of us who enjoy the 1-1 with a partner doesn't mean we believe we "own" that person or equate it to owning a dog. That's just silly. I quite agree with the last paragraph. As to the first aspect, I think that a lot of times the end of a relationship, when it has excessive grieving, means that it is not about this relationship but a call to go deep within yourself and acts as a catalyst for self growth. Relationships are our greatest teachers, not only while in them, but more often than not when they end. My last relationship was one in which I grieved for a long time. I grieved for longer than the relationship lasted! AND more than I did for someone I felt I had a deeper relationship with. At the time I believed it was all due to our unique connection, we had to be meant to be hence the pain, we were twin flames, yadda yadda The truth was...it was a catalyst for my growth! I grew quite a lot during the end and grieving than while I was actually with him. Once I stopped trying to hope for change from him, diagnosing his issues (I saw some posts a while back with OW diagnosing their MM with all forms of issues and saying they needed to support them, and while they may be right about the issues, as I was about my ex, it did NOTHING to help the scenario, as it wasn't my job to fix or put up with his issues but for a long time I wasted my time playing his counselor ), things began to change for ME! I realized all the time I spent focused on him was distracting me from myself and what I needed to do. Once I started to shine the flashlight on myself, so to speak, and trust that life would take care of him, it was like the Universal remote began to fastforward my situation, whereas before I lived in perpetual Pause or Rewind! I got over him shortly thereafter and I was busy working on myself and seeing all I needed, all that was amiss, all that could be for MY future. It was great! Gentlegirl....I wish that for you. Edited July 22, 2011 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 22, 2011 Share Posted July 22, 2011 I read this aspect of an article and it is SO true. If you want to get a quick barometer of how someone truly feels about themselves, take a look at the person they’re involved with, who they profess to be interested in/can’t get over, the situations they get involved in or how they think, feel, and talk about themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 East - the bolded - that is what so many AP want; yet they listen to the cheater say he/she wants the betrayed spouse to kick them out or find out and toss them so that they can claim innocence or be the "good one". Absolutely ridiculous! Most don't leave; and of those that leave, I would guess only half leave because they want to. I would guess the other half leave because the OW finally throws down an ultimateum. ....Half of MM who leave don't WANT to leave??! Given how easy it is to stay (you know the jokes... pet's birthday coming up, or whatever), why on earth are they leaving if they don't want to? What exactly kind of ultimatum do you think gets issued? 'Leave or I take your kids hostage'??? How about 'if you choose to stay married I'll not see you again'? That's called a CHOICE. Link to post Share on other sites
Gentlegirl Posted July 23, 2011 Share Posted July 23, 2011 I read this aspect of an article and it is SO true. For your wishes. If you have been following my posts you will know I lost my husband, I don't think I mentioned that my house burned down at the same time. It's the total wipe out of any kind of life or home as I knew it for the last 33 years that I am coming to terms with. I am very strong and coping well. I have put many new interests and a couple of old passions( Not MEN!) into my life. During my husband's illness I lost all social activities and contacts. At 64 it isn't the easiest thing to regain a social life. Most of the people I am acquainted with are couples and sometimes a single woman isn't welcom into their circles at all, believe me. The contentment with myself and what I am fortunate enough to have is in place. It will grow. Gentlegirl Link to post Share on other sites
Kitsune77 Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 You are one amazing woman. I have read your posts, and your wisdom, compassion , humility and strength shine through. You are truly an inspiration:)) From a fellow Aussie:) Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 5, 2011 Share Posted August 5, 2011 You are one amazing woman. I have read your posts, and your wisdom, compassion , humility and strength shine through. You are truly an inspiration:)) From a fellow Aussie:) Cosign! Link to post Share on other sites
eleanor01 Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 ^^^Ditto Kitsune and MissBee. gentlegirl has already been so kind to me and I've only been on this board for a few days. Thanks, gentlegirl. Best, Ellie Link to post Share on other sites
eleanor01 Posted August 6, 2011 Share Posted August 6, 2011 (edited) I am absolutely faithful to my lover. I travel a lot and he has said (I think that this is pretty much verbatim), "Don't let me hold you back if you meet some gorgeous foreign correspondent. Have fun if you want to" (he is nothing if not fair to me). I work in a very male-dominated field and I think that I could probably go eenie, meenie, minie, moe. . . and have a love for an evening. This is not because I'm gorgeous (as I've said, I'm old). Rather, the circumstances are rather charged and these guys tend to be very lonely and also drink a lot. So, I have opportunities aplenty, but I am so in love with my lover that I just don't want to be with anyone else. I can recognize hotness and appreciate it, but to me, nobody is hotter than my lover. Best, Ellie Edited August 6, 2011 by eleanor01 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitsune77 Posted August 8, 2011 Share Posted August 8, 2011 I am absolutely faithful to my lover. I travel a lot and he has said (I think that this is pretty much verbatim), "Don't let me hold you back if you meet some gorgeous foreign correspondent. Have fun if you want to" (he is nothing if not fair to me). I work in a very male-dominated field and I think that I could probably go eenie, meenie, minie, moe. . . and have a love for an evening. This is not because I'm gorgeous (as I've said, I'm old). Rather, the circumstances are rather charged and these guys tend to be very lonely and also drink a lot. So, I have opportunities aplenty, but I am so in love with my lover that I just don't want to be with anyone else. I can recognize hotness and appreciate it, but to me, nobody is hotter than my lover. Best, Ellie Ellie, I also work in a very male dominated industry, and I have a fairly unusual role for a female in that indusrty, so that in itself gathers a lot of male attention. My MM has said the same thing, about not holding me back, except he is often at the same events (which is mainly where we see each other. ) It does often bring up certain jealous feeling, from both of us. The longer I am in the affair, the less I want to sleep with anyone else. I did sucumb to an associate who had pursued me (and who I met before MM) one night, very early on in our affair, and my MM was devasted. I felt absolutly awful. And I'm sure their attraction to you Ellie is much more than "beer goggles" and being lonely. LOL. Link to post Share on other sites
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