My seperated husband is hitting rock bottom and begging me for help

[virginia70065]

My heart is breaking, the guilt trip is so deep and thick that it's weighing me down.

 

Here's the story in a nutshell:

 

Husband and I have been separated for almost 5 years. I couldn't take his drinking and abuse and when he started lashing out at my daughters, I left him. Sober, he's a sweetheart. Drunk, he's the devil himself--and he just cannot stop drinking. I haven't divorced him yet, my official excuse is that I can't afford it, but deep down inside I can't bear to do it. I still love him, and during these 5-odd years I've helped him out of minor binds because I can't stop rescuing him from himself--until now.

 

He's been living with his parents, working with his father cutting grass. He used to be a welder and cannot return to his profession due to an car crash injury, and is waiting for a lawsuit settlement. His drinking has escalated and his father got sick of it and threw him out of the house. He has no where to go, so after 3 days of wandering the streets and crashing at friends' houses, he calls me. Of course I go running to help him and set him up for two nights at a cheap motel to give him a roof over his head while he tries to work things out with his parents. I can't really afford to do this but I can't leave the father of my child out on the street. I call him the next morning to see how he spent his night and the motel desk clerk tells me that he had to kick him out the night before--"he had too many people in the room, all drinking, loud music...we can't have that sort of thing here" My heart broke. I couldn't believe that he would do that again...I'd left him at the motel with the intention of him taking a nice, hot shower, and getting a decent night of sleep. But no, he abused of my good nature and did this.

 

He then calls me later and says that it was a lie, that it wasn't him, blah blah blah. For once, my soft heart hardens and I tell him to go tell his sob story to someone else and to leave me out of it. He begs me to help him find another motel and to put up a couple of days' rent--he begs me not to abandon him.

 

I hang up on him. Now I don't know what he's doing, where he's sleeping, if he's okay...:CRYING: I'm so worried about him! But I can't help him! Did I do the right thing! Oh God forgive me if anything happens to him...but I can't resuce him anymore...i cant even breath im so upset.lo im sorry this is so long but i dont know what to do and i dont have anyone to ask, i have to hide it from everyone because they will call me asucker and stupid for helping him in first place.

[sportsloving]

Sometimes you have to let them hit the bottom before they realize they can do things to fix their situations. I know you care about him, but it seems that perhaps the more you try to "fix" things, the longer he is able to do as he pleases and hurt those who care most.

 

It sounds horrible, it sounds harsh... but he should be taking responsibility for himself and his actions, and if you rush to help him, he can't or won't do it. The next time he calls, tell him that you will start helping him again when he starts to help himself and then direct him to the nearest shelter.

 

I wish you and him a lot of luck, he for sure is going to need it.

[moimeme]

This is so sad. You must feel wretched. The only thing which helped me steel myself to someone was the knowledge that nothing I could do would actually help him change the behaviour that was ruining his life. We keep thinking and hoping that everyone can be helped or saved, but we have to accept the bitter fact that that is not always the case.

[EnigmaXOXO]

If he needs somewhere to go, then recommend a treatment facility. He can stay there so long as he's willing to work the program. Surprisingly, they have programs in your area that cater to those without insurance or financial resources. I've found the telephone number for you to call below.

 

Meanwhile, please please stay strong and don't allow him to come back into your home. Things won't get better, and he'll never hit rock bottom if you keep cushioning his fall. It's all about finding the PROPER ways to help rather than enabling him. And feeling guilty and draining your bank account won’t help either of you.

 

State Listings: Louisiana

 

Note: State and county managed treatment programs are for those residents without insurance or financial resources. If you do not have any insurance or money you are entitled to state funded programs. Here is the contact information for the state’s service office:

 

The Louisiana Office for Addictive Disorders

1201 Capitol Access Road

P.O. Box 2790 BIN 18

Baton Rouge, LA 70821-2790

Phone: 225-342-6717

[spencer]

Enigma I was thinking the exact same thing.

next time he calls for help, tell him the only help you will give him is driving him to rehab.

 

yes, i understand not being able to (emotionally cut ties) divorce him, but you have to.

this man is reckless and out of control.

you need to protect your assets.

if something bad happens and he kills someone while driving, as married to him you can still be sued. you could lose everything. anyone could attach your pay, or take your home away.

you have daughters to protect.

 

go to some al- anon, meetings, you will hear a lot of people who sould just like you.

[virginia70065]

thanks for your responses...you don't know how much i appreciate them

 

he's still begging for help...he's called me twice since then--

 

and I told him about taking him to rehab and he claims that he doesn't need help--all the while his voice is slurring and stumbling. I told him that as long as he makes beer a priority in his life, he will never have anything. All he could keep asking was "Do you love me? Do you still love me?" I told him to leave me alone and hung up.

[sportsloving]

Such a heart breaking ordeal for you, but I do believe you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and I wish you the best, always~

[EnigmaXOXO]

and I told him about taking him to rehab and he claims that he doesn't need help--all the while his voice is slurring and stumbling. . .I told him to leave me alone and hung up.

 

Virginia, I’ve been through this twice with both my ex-husband and my daughter. The most difficult part of this process is shaking someone loose from their fog of denial. Unfortunately, unless they realize they have a problem, there is little hope of getting them on the right track to recovery. Because your husband is an adult, you can not force him to seek treatment. Even if you could, and by some miracle he completed the program, he would be at high risk for a relapse once he was back out on his own again. Particularly if his only reason for going was to appease you and his family rather than genuinely wanting to get himself clean.

 

You have already done enough. You didn’t create his problem, nor are you responsible for the consequences of his own actions. He’s a big boy, and if he wants to eke a living off the streets begging strangers and friends for money, booze and shelter then let him. Once he has tapped out his resources and ran out of people to provide for him and make him comfortable, then maybe…just maybe…he’ll become desperate enough to seek out some real help.

 

Hanging up that phone was the best thing you could have done for him, yourself and your children. Don’t be manipulated into feeling sorry for him or guilty. He knows where your weak spots are and how to use them to his advantage. It’s a survival tactic, and drunk or not, he knows exactly what he’s doing and he will stop short of nothing to make sure his own wants and needs are provided for. However, he is still far too ill to appreciate or reciprocate.

 

Learning to ‘let go’ and disassociate yourself from the addict’s behavior is one of the most difficult lessons for the family to learn. It took me years to grasp this concept and understand what the councilors were trying to get across to me. Healing didn’t happen until I finally understood the lesson.

 

…I suppose they don’t call it “tough love” for nothing. But I assure you, it absolutely WORKS!

[virginia70065]

You know, I tried to go to an Al-Anon meeting once. And then I had to storm out of there, I was so angry!! It wasn't what I expected. All they wanted to talk about was "What is wrong with us" instead of "What's wrong with them"

I didn't and still don't get it. I'm not perfect, but I'm not destroying anyone's lives with alcohol, or drugs, or any other chemical substance. Yet, that meeting seemed to reinforce the idea that I am the problem and boy, that didn't sit well with me. One of the organizers called me later to see what was wrong and I told her, "I guess I don't understand your concept and can't understand how you can possibly make me feel better." I've never been back and actually hold a huge resentment against that whole Al-Anon idea...It's a shame really, because so many people have told me that it helped them. I don't think it can help me if they're going to point the finger at me. I mean, I was born into an alcoholic way of life, my dad is an alcoholic, my first husband was one, and now this one is too. I'm getting off the subject here but I really don't see how they (Al-Anon) help people by making them feel worse about themselves.

[spencer]

i can feel your anger though my pc. ouch.

im sorry you had a bad reaction to al anon.

dont ever go back if you dont want to. thats your choice.

my interpretation of this group is al anon reinforces you can only change your self. you cant change the abuser.

that being, some people need to clarify why they keep 'allowing' alcoholics in to their lives. what pattern are they repeating, and how to gain insight, and some cases, self worth, to overcome these behaviors that keep you attached to users.

 

it could have been a sucky group. but my concern is ..have you gotten any help mentally with coping with your father and your husband.

al anon is free.. im not a member..i dont even go...i have no reason to push this on anyone.

i like my therapy one on one.

[virginia70065]

....when I wrote that a few days ago, I actually had a head rush getting it all out of me! I had never really said my feelings about Al-Anon out loud and when I finished typing, I thought "WOW, where did that come from?" I know they mean well, but I guess my personality doesn't allow for finger-pointing--I want to get to the solution, and quick. I guess I just want to skip the hard parts, the "journey to discover yourself." I might not like what I find!

 

My frustration is also that just when I think I can let go of my husband for good and move on to the next step (divorce), he comes barrelling back in my life with more drama.

 

He calls me back today--he has a job, though he's still on the streets, but crashing on friends' sofas. Scratching out an existence, staying alive (and sober--he has no choice, he's broke) and he says that all he needs to know that if someone still worries about him and loves him. I just gave a deep sigh and couldn't answer him, because 1. I still love the idiot and 2. I can't sleep worrying about his dumb behind. (But he doesn't have to know that does he. ) I told him to keep his chin up, to pray, that his little girl prays for him every night, that things can only get better from here on out. It's hard to not go running to him, saving him from himself...but I'm breaking the cycle--little by little!

 

Thanks to everyone for your words! I'm so glad I found this forum.