Lone Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Hey all,Im just hoping to get some opinions and advice on my current situation. Its a long story but il try my best to keep it brief. Basically ive known this girl for about 3 years now. We met and it was on from the get go. We were together for about a year but 5-6months or so of the time i was living in a different city. Then I moved back home to be with her. We were together and everything was amazing. She broke up with me and i felt like **** to say the least. I couldnt sleep, eat, think, move. It was horrible. She moved home to her own city over summer holidays from uni and we didnt realy speak but then when she came back we started talking again. She knew how i felt and we got back together only for her to leave me again then get back together briefly again when she came back the following year. Weve always stayed in contact and really get along well. and at the end of the day i love her to bits and as cliche as it sounds i do want her to be happy with or without me. Anyway recently she started seeing this other guy. For some reason she still wanted to keep me around to 'catch up' with and stay in contact. She maintains that he is just a 'fling' and 'everyone' knows that. They broke up briefly and we started hanging out a bit more i.e going out for dinner, movies, kissing etc all the things we used to do when we were together. Then i found out they were back together again. Obviously i was quite hurt. I texted her and told her that it was pretty clear to me now we wanted different things and she didnt feel the same way as i did about her and that we should go our separate ways. She begged to see me and said she didnt want to lose me from her life as im really important etc. I told her it wasnt a good idea as she didnt feel the same way and she said she did she just couldnt give me everything right now. Anyway i said no and maintained no contact for 3 weeks until yesterday when she text me saying she missed me and thinks about me everyday. I gave in and text back saying that though i feel the same way it really doesnt change anything. We continued to text for a little while last night. She said a few things like she misses my company and feels like shes lost one of the dearest people in her life and that shes so mad at me for doing this. and that i only want her as a lover and she is not worthy of friendship and that normally atleast one person walks away hapy or relieved with the outcome but neither of us are. i said that i didnt want her as a lover i wanted to be with her but not just friendship. she then asked "so its all or nothing? and it doesnt bother u about having nothing?" i replied that of course it bothered me but my feelings arent reciprocated and all she wants is friendship . she then said "but i love u and i would do anything for u? how is that not enough?"then i replied "why are we even having this convo u have a bf ur happy i dont know what u want from me?"she said i know exactly what i want from u? u! even a half hour coffee with u is enough i just geniuenly miss u. i text u today coz i wanted u to know that. and that i havent just stopped thinking about u.i just replied "yea as a friend" and that was it.sorry i know this is a bit of a novel and if u r still reading THANK YOU SO MUCH. i guess my question now is what do i do? do i just continue with no contact. truth be told i do miss her so much. i want to be with her but even f thats not possible i dont want to lose her from my life. i began no contact as a way of trying to shock her into realising i meant business. im so confused. i truely care about her. please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
DontWorryBHappy Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Stay no contact. If you give her what she wants you will only ever be the friend, guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
citrusdrop1688 Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Your absolutely doing the right thing. You need to take care of your feelings and yourself first before worrying about her wanting to be your friend. Being a friend with her is only hurting you and thats not fair. Its also very selfish of her to want things that way when she knows how you feel. I recently had a similar talk with my ex. I started dating someone new and wanted to make sure we werent going to be able to work things out things before I went out with this other person. He said it hurt and he didnt like it but he knew it wasnt his business. I said flat out I want to be with you but you dont want to be with me. No response... If they want us they will come tell us. But a painful friendship is unacceptable. Your ex had the same response as mine. They dont want to be with us so we need to leave them alone so we can move on in peace. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted July 21, 2011 Author Share Posted July 21, 2011 ok she just text me saying that she understands where im coming from she just wishes i would consider the occasional catch up as she really really misses me.Im at such a crossroads. I dont know if i should agree or not. obviously i want to be with her. but im not really understanding why she wants to see me for occasional 'catch ups'?im planning on moving overseas in next few months and im scared that i will lose complete contact with her if i move over there without saying goodbye or keeping in touch before i go. she was planning on moving to the same place at end of year aswell...i want her. please help. what is my best plan of attack. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 She wants a catch up because she wants to know whats going on in your life. Its an ego boost for her so she does not feel bad about what she did to you. You do not have her, shes gone. You need to accept this and start moving forward and healing. You do not owe her anything. You need to exit her life like she exited yours. Right now you are emotional and its completely understandable but if you really read these forums, everyone here posts the same situation as you and all they want is to be friends to help boost their ego for what they did to us as dumpees. You know NC is extremely hard, I just wrote out an email to my ex and it took all my willpower not to send it but I succeeded. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted July 22, 2011 Author Share Posted July 22, 2011 thanks everyone so much for your messages so far.... i havent text her back yet. im still deciding whether i will or not. its so hard. end of the day i do want to work towards reconciliation and i guess im just wondering what the absolute best thing i could do to achieve that would be. it seems that NC is probably the way to go...the general consensus seems to be that i need to maintain what iv been doing so she really starts to think about her life without me etc. im planning on moving overseas in next few months and i think she will be moving to same place at end of year. should i get in touch with her before i leave to say good bye? please keep the advice coming it really helps Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted July 24, 2011 Author Share Posted July 24, 2011 I'm feeling a bit better about the situation. I not thinking about it as much as I have but feel like I have ups and downs so just trying I appreciate the ups while I can. I really hate the idea that she won't be in my life anymore at all. I know that NC shouldn't be used as a means of getting a ex back but to be honest I was really hoping for a fairy tale ending. ... Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted July 24, 2011 Share Posted July 24, 2011 Lone, Im going to teach you a little lesson in life that Ive seen crush relationships over and over and over again that you, my roommate and one of his best friends have done. You never move to be with a girl, ever! You move for you and you alone. If she happens to be there, then good otherwise dont sacrifice yourself and get hurt again. I even made this damn mistake and moved from an apartment I liked to an apartment she wanted to live in... guess who cheated on me and left within 3 months... Never again Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted July 28, 2011 Author Share Posted July 28, 2011 @wilsonxYea i was originally from the city i moved too it was just a case of moving home and she was just the catalyst.I still havent heard from her since her last text. I didnt reply. Do u think i will hear from her again? Am i still doing the right thing? Ive been doing really well...but hate hate hate the idea she might forget me...I still care about her so much and i feel like she cares about me we just cant get things together. She said in the past she feels the same way she just cant give me everything right now... what does that mean... that one day she might be able to... should i stay friends and wait and hope or what? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 ok so she added me back on facebook after deleting me a few weeks ago...i didnt accept immediately i waited a few days...it says shes 'in a relationship"what should i do if she trys contacting me via facebook or what have u....i have the feeling shes gonna keep hitting me up about being friends etc... Link to post Share on other sites
mr.goodguy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Damn, Lone, you shouldn't have accepted the facebook invite. You should have let it sit for a loooong time. If she ever asked why you havent accepted the request you could have said "I've been busy (too busy for that piece of **** site)." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 why not? should i delete her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Damn, Lone, you shouldn't have accepted the facebook invite. You should have let it sit for a loooong time. If she ever asked why you havent accepted the request you could have said "I've been busy (too busy for that piece of **** site)." why not? should i delete her? Link to post Share on other sites
mr.goodguy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Now that you've accepted the friend invite there is no point in deleting her. She knows that you've 'accepted' being facebook friends. If you delete her now it is sending another message that you are indecisive. Facebook, post-relationship, is a very ugly game...it can suck you into a depressive state. Just dont snoop on her page! Dont engage her. I, like plenty of people, have fallen for this self inflicted torture...not good. Ive been following Wilsonx's advice on a number of posts...and his words usually ring most true. Her contacting you is HER ego boost...to get you in the friend zone until she is emotionally able to recover and move on. Guys are suckers...learn from your mistakes, control your emotions, never ask a girl to take the relationship to the next level...allow her to come to that conclusion based on your interactions with her (compatibility). At the same time, be strong, lead her, this is what men are meant to be like...unfortunately we've been reprogrammed to think otherwise. time to hit 'ctrl + alt + delete' and reboot our systems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 Ok i wont delete her.thanks for your reply.Just a bit confused now because your saying I should make her come to the conclusion of being together based on our interactions but we havent had any interactions for awhile now...So should i keep maintaining NC or should I be freidnly if she gets in touch... Wilsonx said that i should be firm in saying that i want more than friendship and not to settle...so just a bit confused now as to what i should do...maintain NC and just be friendly if she contacts me or what? Link to post Share on other sites
mr.goodguy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 100 % agree...DO NOT SETTLE. NEVER SETTLE. This is your life. If she wants to meet with you for coffee for half an hour...that is filling HER need. That isn't what you want. NC her...for awhile...but not to shock her into realizing you mean business (sort of a passive aggressive approach) but to work on yourself. That is the golden rule for NC...just remember, you will only attract someone as strong as you are. If you are a weak male, you'll only attract weak females. Sorry let me clarify the "come to the conclusion" point. I meant when you do get into a relationship with someone, allow the woman to bring it up, otherwise you risk pushing them away by not reading the signs of her attraction for you correctly. Right now you are not in a relationship...so she can't come to that conclusion. Her emotions are all over the place as are yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 thanks mr goodguy...il just keep up the NC and if she does contact me stay strong but be friendly... il keep u posted on any updates worth mentioning.u r a good guy haha Link to post Share on other sites
mr.goodguy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Thanks man...I'm Canadian...I have to be a goodguy. haha. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Romantic_Lefty Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 I would have to agree with a lot thats been said. You seem in a similar situation as mine. Thanks btw for your advice! You should remain strong in NC, but don't let her forget about you also i think. Maybe even do write out an email that you would send her about how you feel. BUT DON'T SEND it. Use it as a tool for YOUR healing! And try to move on for now. Alls well that ends well, she'll realize what she wants and doesn't and youll be able to go from there! hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
sd89 Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Hey buddy, ive been reading up your post like you asked and I got a few things to say about it. I know our situations aren't so similar as you might have thought. She's with someone else man. I know that "love is blind" but from an outsiders point of view, you need to forget about it and move on as she has. Imagine you as her. You meet a nice girl and start dating her, right now. But at any given moment you start to miss your ex and thats when you would call or text her, just to see if shes still there. Doesnt mean you would want anything with her, just that you miss her. That's what she is doing with you. And I dont think its so much of an ego boost, its just her not knowing how to handle her emotions about the breakup. When she texts, you text back. When she adds you on facebook you accept. Sorry for the harsh words, but you need to man up and not be a ****ing pussy. You need to show this woman you mean business and that you stand strong by your decision not to keep in contact because as the man you are, you don't deserve to be treated like this. Ignoring her and no contact will show this to her if she is mature enough to realize that. Best of luck brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 You are all right.So now that ive accepted her friend request what should I do? Absolutely nothing and just maintain NC?The nice fella above said I need to man up and hes right. So does that just mean completely ignore her? Its not like ive been texting her or initiating any contact whatsoever. She added me after deleting me a few weeks ago and I didnt accept immediately...So ignoring her is the way to go...?Obviously i do want her to know i mean business but i think shes already picking up what im putting down...heeeeeeelllllppppppppppp pls pls pls Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted August 1, 2011 Author Share Posted August 1, 2011 should i delete her off facebook...i only accepted her request a few days ago and she has liked my status...unsure why maybe she did like it maybe just wants me to see her name...but should i delete her and just ignore her completely thenlike never return texts emails calls anything... thats its...? Link to post Share on other sites
mr.goodguy Posted August 1, 2011 Share Posted August 1, 2011 Lone, calm down, take a deep breath. If you delete her it'll seem like you don't know what the hell you want. Like we discussed, you've already accepted her. What you can do is go into your facebook preferences and limit what she can see on your page...not too sure exactly the steps but I know it can be done. A chick that dumped me like 10 months ago, I deleted her from my facebook about 6 months ago. Anyways I wrote on a mutual friend's wall and she liked my posting. Obviously she knows we are not 'facebook friends' (gotta love how stupid that sounds) so I believe she just wants to spike some emotions by 'liking' something I wrote. Which can be read into way to much...but the bottom line, don't concern yourself with pesky 'likes' on facebook. Limit her access to your page and avoid all contact...if she says 'why have you been avoiding me'...just say you've been busy. Of course the more excited you sound while saying it will pique her interest...so get out there an occupy your time, son. Link to post Share on other sites
leoc1973 Posted August 2, 2011 Share Posted August 2, 2011 listen to wilson.... I did not and now I am stuck in the friend zone with my ex while she is banging whomever. If they don't lose you then they can't feel that pain that you feel. They have no feeling of loss whatsoever like you do because they have lost nothing. Actually they probably feel better now than before they dumped us cause they have us and the new guy. You have to not only do no contact but tell them to leave you alone on top of it. Good luck man most of us on here know exactly what you are going through. I wish sometimes people that were on here would come back and tell us what they did to get their exes back but I think once they do they forget about us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lone Posted August 2, 2011 Author Share Posted August 2, 2011 leoc1973...thanks for that. really sorry about your ex and your situation. i agree but i guess once youve won em back life is sweet and you wont concern yourself with negativity such as all this haha. cant blame them really i guess.ive been doing NC for over a month now and shes text me a bunch of times, tried calling me a few deleted then added me on facebook ...all sorts of stuff. ive never initiated any contact and have been quite abrupt when i do reply. is telling her to leave me alone a good idea?i was reading some other posts on her and one lass told her ex bf to leave her alone unless he changes his mind kind of deal. would that be the way to go perhaps....im planning on moving overseas in next couple of months so i might get in contact to say goodbye maybe. havent decided. really appreciate the well wishes though. let me know what u think. Link to post Share on other sites
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