Ex on facebook- is this breaking NC?

[emby]

Sorry if this is long but please try and stay with it.

Just put this in 'second chances' for the heck of it.

 

Ok little background- boyfriend broke up with me about 4 weeks ago...we ended on 'good terms' although I was heartbroken. He said he was unhappy and didn't feel the same about the relationship anymore but straight away said that after a little space he wanted to be friends because we get along together so well. He said he still finds me attractive just like before. Basically it was his first relationship (not mine) and I think it was a case of GIGS, wanting freedom over the summer (not with girls, as in to do whatever he wanted and whenever with his mates without the commitment to me to worry about).

 

So anyway, after the break up I was a mess. No begging but phoning him and we'd end up arguing, me asking WHYYY and a million other questions. "Will we ever be together in the future?" "I don't know". Always "I don't know" until I pushed him too far and he'd end up getting angry. He never told me that we would never be together again. He never put the phone down or tried to end the conversation but I realised I'd gone too far. We had one very good conversation (he saw he'd got missed calls from me and actually called me back) which was just like the old times and he told me everything he'd been up to and asked me lots of questions too. But the next day something upset me and I ended up calling him to say I missed him and when he wouldn't say it back directly I got angry. I went no contact for a bit but had a slight meltdown at one point when I was feeling depressed towards suicidal and no one was there for me- so in a moment of weakness I asked him to call me and bless him, he spoke to me for ages and calmed me down. By the end of the call I wasn't crying anymore.

The next day he left for a week's holiday abroad with no phone, he sent a text saying 'speak to you soon, take care'- which was so...non-committal to me. The week was good because I KNEW I couldn't contact him and it helped me a lot.

He came back today and I logged onto facebook to write a status about something else and there he was online on chat. He knew I was online because he saw that I'd just posted a status. I had a panic attack and eventually had to log out- I couldn't stand that he was there but not talking to me.

I had to go out, but an hour or ng so later, he commented on another status I made about where I was going! It was a joke relating to the status- very much his sense of humour and typical banter from before and during the relationship. I looked at his profile- it was the only thing he did on facebook over at least 2 hours and he'd left it there for everyone to see. So everyone on his profile knows he is ' in contact' with his ex.

Also- pictures of us he is tagged in are still all at the top of his profile, as they are on mine.

 

Why did he do this? He didn't just 'like' it- he knew there was a fair chance I'd reply and he knew I'd definitely see it, even though he hadn't said anything earlier on facebook chat. Before he left the country he knew I was in a fragile state and wanting him back and he was trying to be distant- so why would he do this when he knew I would see it as 'breadcrumbs' or that kind of thing? I'm so shocked he'd try and make himself seen the very day he got back. My theory is that he wanted to make himself noticed like "hi I'm back now, why aren't you pestering me??" without doing something as big as sending a text or calling me. If he didn't want me to be thinking about him, if he wanted me to be moving on, surely he wouldn't have bothered commenting no matter what- he would have 'liked' it at most?

 

What should I do now? I'm dying to know how he got on abroad but I want him to be the one to come to me! I replied on the status referring only to the joke and being brief but haven't done anything else yet. I want to speak to him properly so badly! But I think he's wondering why I'm not and it's bugging him. Can I carry on with no contact without looking like a bitch for not caring about him? I didn't say anything about going no contact, I just did it when he went away. If we will never be together again (and a psychic said he would come crawling back...lol), then I would 100% most definitely like to be friends, so it's not a case of erasing him out of my life.

Edited July 21, 2011 by emby

[mr.goodguy]

hey emby...this is precisely why I detest facebook. too much snooping around and wondering what the other person meant by this or that.

 

But onto your situation. How old are you guys? Right now you seem very needy to talk to him and be reassured that he is there. First mistake. Go NC right now. This is something you do not need to discuss with him and get his approval with...just go NC and you'll see his attention towards you change from passive to slightly more aggressive. I'm telling you guys hate it when chicks don't give them attention...it enrages them and puts them back in the 'hunt' mentality. If you want him back, you have to play the game, entice him...it's all very stupid but alas this is what is programmed into our minds. Go out with friends, have the best time in the world, see other guys. Don't gloat on facebook cause that usually comes off as putting it in his face. Become the prize that he or any guy desires!

 

my two cents

[emby]

Hey mrgoodguy,

Thanks for your reply, I totally agree! I know a week isn't a long time but the last week, and the week before that apart from my slip-up, I've been going out a lot, going to the gym, changed my profile pic, only posting happy statuses about things and nothing about the break-up at all and generally feeling a LOT better about myself. Yes, I would love for him to come back to me. But I'm so done chasing, because he knows how I feel and where I am, so I've been trying to enjoy my life regardless.

By the way, I'm 19 and he's 20.

[mr.goodguy]

Thats good to hear you are feeling a lot better.

 

Here's a golden rule for you...NEVER CHASE. Men are hunters...we love the chase (a lot of times it doesnt end up the way we hope but its all about learning experiences) and when we finally get the girl, it makes us feel great. We won the prize. However if YOU do the chasing, we lose interest and move on...never chase from this day forth.

 

As you've already placed your cards on the table...you must take a step back from the situation. Keep having fun!!!

[emby]

Thats good to hear you are feeling a lot better.

 

Here's a golden rule for you...NEVER CHASE. Men are hunters...we love the chase (a lot of times it doesnt end up the way we hope but its all about learning experiences) and when we finally get the girl, it makes us feel great. We won the prize. However if YOU do the chasing, we lose interest and move on...never chase from this day forth.

 

As you've already placed your cards on the table...you must take a step back from the situation. Keep having fun!!!

 

It's funny...he 'chased' me for about a month before we got together, bought me flowers, wined and dined me, convinced me to go on a date rather than meeting up as 'just friends'! I never imagined he'd be the one to end the relationship after all of that.

[emby]

Ahh I really want to call or text him...catch up and find out about his week away and try and gauge how he's feeling towards me. What are the do's and do nots??

[emby]

Right so, I called him...it was around lunch time, it rang fully which (usually) means he was either at work or asleep, or not with his phone- if he doesn't want to answer a call he always sends the busy tone, I've been with him when he does that. I didn't leave a voicemail because I hate them- instead I sent a breezy text saying "heya was just wondering how your holiday was, call me later if you want to chat" or words to the same effect...12 hours later and he still hasn't replied! I'm so angry at him. He was always bad at replying to texts, remembering to call me and things like that...and he hasn't been on facebook all day so he's probably busy. But I can't help feeling like he's playing games with me!

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Right so, I called him...it was around lunch time, it rang fully which (usually) means he was either at work or asleep, or not with his phone- if he doesn't want to answer a call he always sends the busy tone, I've been with him when he does that. I didn't leave a voicemail because I hate them- instead I sent a breezy text saying "heya was just wondering how your holiday was, call me later if you want to chat" or words to the same effect...12 hours later and he still hasn't replied! I'm so angry at him. He was always bad at replying to texts, remembering to call me and things like that...and he hasn't been on facebook all day so he's probably busy. But I can't help feeling like he's playing games with me!

 

 

 

This is why you shouldn't have called. even if he does return your call you could never be satisfied with what he will say, and if he doesn't you will not be happy with that either. Calling or initiating any contact with your ex is about 99.99% a lose/lose ordeal.

 

We all fall off the horse sometimes. It's time to get back up, brush the dirt off your a$$ and keep riding.

[emby]

This is why you shouldn't have called. even if he does return your call you could never be satisfied with what he will say, and if he doesn't you will not be happy with that either. Calling or initiating any contact with your ex is about 99.99% a lose/lose ordeal.

 

We all fall off the horse sometimes. It's time to get back up, brush the dirt off your a$$ and keep riding.

 

But I don't have suspicious intentions. I'm not trying to get him back, ask for him back, ask him anything about the relationship etc. If he wants to come back he'll do that by himself. We've decided to stay in each other's lives whatever happens and I just want to go back to that great conversation we had over the phone a few weeks ago. I'm genuinely interested in how he got on abroad, I don't want to ask him about other girls or anything. I'm going to be satisfied with anything he says. I just want to catch up...and I thought that as he was putting himself out there and commenting on my status, he'd want to as well

 

Edit: I know that if I was in his shoes (and I've been a dumper enough times in the past), I wouldn't risk commenting on anything if I didn't want to get my ex's attention and I didn't want them to talk to me.

Edited July 22, 2011 by emby

[0hpenelope]

My ex is on Facebook. I figured since he's the one who wants the break up, then he can put in the effort of cutting all ties. I don't look at his profile. He hasn't commented on any of my stuff, he hasn't reached out to me. But I'm there on his list of "Friends." So I guess, based on the majority of the opinions here on LS, I'm not in complete NC because of it.

 

I think it's best to just project you're casual about his Facebook interactions with you - then freak out about it to us. Don't let mutual friends know, don't show it to him, etc. I agree that it's better if he came to you himself vs. you initiating contact, but since it ended on good terms, you have the option of reaching out to him if you want. Since you already reciprocated contact by sending a text to him, just sit on it and let him contact you. If he doesn't, well... you tried. "His FB comment, then your text message" vs. "His FB comment, then your text message, then your phone call, then your follow-up text message, then your FB comment to him, then your text message again" doesn't sound too good, doesn't it? Not that I'm saying you'll do something like that.

 

Facebook comments take minimal effort anyhow. I think it will help you if you don't sweat 'em too much.

[emby]

Heh, you're totally right 0hpenelope. Two weeks ago I would simply HAVE to try and make contact every day...sometimes more than once a day...

I realise how I may have come across! The awkward thing is that both of us have come home from our respective unis (different hometowns AND different unis), and he has a part-time job at home but ends up working pretty much 5 or 6 days a week with 5 or 6 hour shifts, goes to bed when he gets home, and spends time with family or his massive group of friends when he's not at work (one of our problems was not enough time for me). So essentially, he doesn't have 'free time' or time to just be reflective about the relationship or really miss me. On the other hand since I have no job at home or anything else in particular to focus on, I was pretty much moping about the house doing nothing, and if a day passed for me without contact, that was a really big deal because it seemed like forever.

 

Luckily now I've relaxed about the whole thing a LOT. I don't have much to fill my days but I make sure I'm doing something with friends or family at least 2 or 3 times a week and try to go to the gym on the other days. I'm also catching up on my reading and getting to know my brand new gerbils which are a nice distraction. Since the ex was abroad for a week with no phone, I've got used to not hearing from him and it doesn't bother me so much. I certainly am not going to 'double' text/call...and on reflection I did prefer the feeling of him having made the facebook comment and me having had ignored it, but I just didn't want to come across as a bitch, that's why I attempted the call. Now I miss the feeling of the ball being in my court...

[emby]

Well, I didn't call or text him. He was on facebook at the same time I was though, so I messaged 'hey, I called you' 'I was having lunch with my grandparents'. Fair enough...could have called me back within 12 hours though right? Basically we proceeded to have a short conversation which was mostly me telling him things and asking questions and generally feeling like a muppet. I asked if we could talk on the phone instead but he was all "well I'm on facebook right now so you might as well tell me there"...I HATE how cold he comes across in instant messages or texts! On the phone he's lovely to me and actually talks a lot. After a while of fruitless conversation I said "well I've got to go but I'd really like to speak on the phone. I know you're afraid to but I promise nothing bad is going to happen. I'm not going to cry or something. Can you call me today or tomorrow sometime?" to which he said "I'm working then going out today so won't get chance and probably won't get chance tomorrow" "It's okay if you want to tell me to get lost you just can, you don't need to make excuses..." "I'm not making excuses I'm just busy".

 

Great. Wonderful. When we had a week of NC and then he comes back and posts on my status right away, I have all these thoughts of long happy phonecalls just like before, leading to meeting up and hanging out as friends and seeing where it goes from there. I'm determined for this to happen. But I can't believe that no progress towards it has been made. We were almost there too- we had one great phonecall on the saturday, then a bad phonecall because of me on the sunday and another bad one on the monday or tuesday, and then he went away for a week. I need to show him things are different since before he went away but he just won't give me the opportunity!

[Arabella]

Well, as per your own admission, you keep having "bad phonecalls". You want to show him that things are different, but the thing is... they really aren't. You're still highly emotional and want to get him back. So long as you're in that mindset, he can "feel" it, and it puts him off because it's not what he wants right now. So, he avoids contact.

 

The bottom line is this: He ended the relationship because he did not want to be with you. Period. All you're doing by forcing contact constantly is push him away further. Let him miss you.

[emby]

Well, as per your own admission, you keep having "bad phonecalls". You want to show him that things are different, but the thing is... they really aren't. You're still highly emotional and want to get him back. So long as you're in that mindset, he can "feel" it, and it puts him off because it's not what he wants right now. So, he avoids contact.

 

The bottom line is this: He ended the relationship because he did not want to be with you. Period. All you're doing by forcing contact constantly is push him away further. Let him miss you.

 

It's so frustrating! I know what he expects from a phonecall with me. I know why he's trying to avoid it. But until he calls me/picks up the phone, I can't show him that he doesn't need to feel like that.

I can accept if he wants to be friends, just for now or forever. He says that's what he wants and when I say it's okay, tell me to go away, he says 'no I'm just busy' or something like that. He won't cut ties with me, won't delete me off facebook, won't take down photos of us from all over his profile...he still wants me in his life somehow. I just want to be more than a 'facebook friend'.

[Kilty]

Sorry you are no real further forward Emby but how long are you going to beat this dead horse ?

 

From your posts it's clear that your emotions are running berserk and you are in no way over this guy.

 

Your posts are full of contradictions but i wont be mean and pick them out to show you.

 

The bottom line is that you are torturing yourself.

 

You think that you can be friends with this guy like the way it was and deep down when that happens you think you will get back together.

 

Im sorry - but that is not going to happen.

 

The only possible scenario although unlikely is that you end up being a friend with benefits companion to this guy and not only selling yourself short but giving you further emotional heartbreak.

 

You say that you dont want this guy back but im sorry you really do and it's clear from your posts you do.

 

At the very beginning me and several others told you to stay well clear or you were going to push him further away and to ignore all contact from him unless it was along the lines of how sorry he was and how much he wanted back together.

 

It should not be up to him to remove you from Facebook - it should be you thats removing and blocking him so you dont have to face endless questions and doubt going through your mind which is already trying to cope with your fragile emotions.

 

This guy is the dumper and he will do the bare minimum to stay in very limited contact with you to ease his guilt and make himself feel better whilst moving on and probably with someone else.

 

How are you going to react when you see him and another girl on Facebook or something along those lines ?

 

It's clear he doesnt want any serious conversation with you and the reason for that is simple - he doesnt want to hear anything about you and him getting back together as the likelihood is that he is going to hurt you more and like any other normal human being he doesnt want to do that if possible.

 

You are seriously deluding yourself honeybunch if you think this guy can remain in your life and that you will be super fine just being friends with him.

 

Trust me - its clear from your posts that you wont be.

 

I doubt you will take this advice although you really should as somewhere down the line you are going to suffer extreme misery and further upset if you dont.

 

I said right at the very beginning to get some self respect.

 

You are a young girl with your whole life ahead of you to find someone that will not treat you this way.

 

The choice is yours - but continuing to allow your denial to rule your life will only result in someone pulling your guts out every time you get a set back.

 

Sorry x

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

I can tell you're not going to cut ties with this guy... yet. At least not until you fall back down again, with that said I truly hope you don't fall down and here's my suggestion.

 

 

don't call him for a few days, preferably a week so he doesn't feel like you are smothering him. after that time elapses think of something he is interested in: clothes, sports, video games, movies... whatever. then when you are out and about with your day start noticing sales that are going on at stores he is interested in. Call him up and HOPE that you get his voicemail, say

 

"Hey, I'm out with a few friends right now and just noticed that <store> is having a huge sale on <interest>, it made me think of you when I saw it and I thought you would be interested to know... Bye" and hang up.

 

If he does pick up the phone just say:

 

"Oh Hi, I didn't expect you to pick up and I can't really talk right now but I'm out with a few friends and noticed <store> is having a huge sale on <interest>, it made me think of you when I saw this and I thought you would be interested to know... I gotta go and I hope you have a good day, Bye" and hang up.

 

 

 

this will strike curiosity into his mind and you might get what you hope for with opening the lines of communication. Another thing you could do if you have a touch screen phone is call him while you are in your car, set the phone down and sing to a fun song on the radio... just let it fill up his voicemail and if he does call you, you can just say you must have pocket dialed him on accident. This works even better if you are a horrible singer.

 

If this doesn't work I hope you make the right choice and heal.

[emby]

Heart, I know where you got that from

 

I know some people don't believe me...but I want this person in my life. If we're just friends and he goes out with someone else, or 10 other girls or 20? YES. I've had relationships since I was 13 and there are many people who I had relationships with who I would never like to see again. There are 2 who I always want to be part of my life. One is this person. Another is one of my very best friends and I see him on a regular basis. We love each other but we're not in love, although he says he will always take me back (it's been almost a year since we broke up). So don't tell me you can't be friends with your ex, ever. It CAN happen. And it is more likely to lead to a relationship than no contact or severing ties.

This guy said himself "Right now I don't want to be in a relationship with you. But if we got closer again later on down the lines who knows? I'd never rule anything out."

Yes, if we were amazing friends and actually meeting up and doing things and I felt like I was still in love with him, I would want a relationship to develop, but I think if I was feeling all of that, he would have to be feeling something too. And if not- I WOULD be happy being friends. He's not perfect and I had doubts about the relationship from the start because of attraction issues. His best qualities are his friendship and loyalty. So I love this person, why would I want them out of my life? He is a great person and a good ally to have. We also have mutual friends which would make not being on speaking terms very difficult. The nature that I am, even if I block and delete him on facebook I will always find ways to find out what he's doing. If he's going to have a new relationship, I will find out.

 

My number one priority is being friends. Being back together would be an added bonus. But I can live without it.

My plan is to call him out of the blue, when I think he'll pick up, in several days or a week. Nothing about why he's been acting that way. Just try and have the conversation I've been thinking about. I KNOW that if we are to get back together, it won't be this month or next month or maybe even this year. I've dealt with the breakup. What I'm struggling with is the idea of never speaking to him on the phone again.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Heart, I know where you got that from

 

 

thought you would, but hearing it from someone else often helps.

[emby]

thought you would, but hearing it from someone else often helps.

 

I would do it...but he just seems so supicious of me that he'd see right through it at the moment. Even when I say 'I just want to be friends/just want to catch up', he still won't risk talking to me properly because of how I've been in the past.

 

My friend says that the fact he's willing to talk on facebook should be enough for now and that I should just enjoy that rather than hounding him for a phonecall. I don't know, it doesn't seem like enough for any kind of connection.

[Karmababe]

If you want him, back off ... he is suspicious for a reason. If you appear needy or desperate, he's gone. Let him experience a bit of mystery about where you are and what you're doing

[Karmababe]

PS, don't initiate on FB either ... be strong! Better yet, go silent on there,

don't let him see you are there ...

[emby]

PS, don't initiate on FB either ... be strong! Better yet, go silent on there,

don't let him see you are there ...

 

Ninja-style!

Is that better than showing myself online when he's online but not talking?

 

I don't mind going no contact. But do you think he'll gradually lose his suspicion and be more friendly when I try again at a later time? It's weird- I thought no contact for the week he was on holiday and him commenting on my status meant at least that he thought we could chat in a friendly way.

[HeartOfAPhoenix]

Ninja-style!

Is that better than showing myself online when he's online but not talking?

 

I don't mind going no contact. But do you think he'll gradually lose his suspicion and be more friendly when I try again at a later time? It's weird- I thought no contact for the week he was on holiday and him commenting on my status meant at least that he thought we could chat in a friendly way.

 

 

try doing a full week (2 or more if you can) of being completely invisible, when on facebook don't update any statuses, comment, or like anything, don't sign into chat, and if possible don't even log onto facebook during that time. if he sees you online it'll give him that feeling that you are there and probably make him think you are cyber stalking his profile or something. if you disappear he can't have those suspicions.

 

After that try the methods I mentioned

[emby]

try doing a full week (2 or more if you can) of being completely invisible, when on facebook don't update any statuses, comment, or like anything, don't sign into chat, and if possible don't even log onto facebook during that time. if he sees you online it'll give him that feeling that you are there and probably make him think you are cyber stalking his profile or something. if you disappear he can't have those suspicions.

 

After that try the methods I mentioned

 

Thanks

As much as I want to, I'm aiming not to initiate contact with him until August.

I hope after that I can call him spontaneously and he'll pick up the phone and be glad to hear from me. If nothing else ever happens, I hope for that small thing.

I'd leave it longer- but in September he goes back to uni which complicates things somewhat.

[emby]

This is so hard. So painful. I hate NC. The reason I'm upset now is no longer about the breakup, it's about the way he's being towards me now. I so badly want to call him! Here his voice and laugh with him and then everything will be ok. Or shout and scream at him. I don't know if I can fight calling him for long :/