Bad idea to send letter to ex?

[Misprint]

Hello all. I'm new to this forum. Haven't read any threads or the like yet, but am in desperate need of advice. I would greatly appreciate input and will come to repay you all in the future.

 

The only thing stopping me from mailing a letter to my ex are two friends who yelled at me for the thought, and the possible power they say he may have over me if he knows I'm still in love with him. He's moved on really nicely as far as I can tell.

 

I'll backtrack as much history as I can but try and keep it brief.

 

It will be six months since the break-up. I managed no contact for about 4 months. Ran into him at a friend's birthday party in June. Met up with him this month to pick up some remaining items I left at his place.

 

In the beginning he did wish to remain friends with me. Because I couldn't handle it, I initiated NC. I've been in a slump for 5 months even though I slowly progressed, though not much. I'm still obsessed. Maybe infatuated is the better word. I'm considering therapy since I can't seem to let go.

 

Since I cut him out of my life, running into him I saw he harbored no negative feelings towards me. That made me feel really guilty. He's striving to be selfless, and is such a genuinely good person- despite hating him for awhile I can't keep it up any longer. I've tried to find reasons that made us unfit for one another, but I can't think of much.

 

He's always been really nice. The kind of person you can learn to hate. In a way, I always viewed that trait in a competitive form.

 

We would've been together for 3 years this august. He was also my best friend. I don't have many people in my life, so it was as if I was mourning a death.

 

Our break-up wasn't over any severe issues. Because of that, I'm suffering from guilt of being the bad guy who always gave him more trouble than he did me. We had communication issues- the biggest problem. I'm filled with self-hatred. I can't seem to forgive myself even though I know it wasn't entirely my wrongdoings.

 

Although we mutually agreed to end the relationship, as far as the roles go, I took on the dumpee. I've had a hard time managing and can go as far to say he is the one I still desire in a sense. I do regret the break-up, and I feel like an idiot for having it happen on really bad days. I can't shake the blame.

 

I wanted to write him a letter, clearing the air and letting him know I still care about him deeply. That I don't expect anything, I would just feel guilt if he died or something before I was entirely honest because I cut him out of my life. In the back of my mind, I do want him back but I'm trying to not expect anything. I told my friends I have nothing to lose. I don't care if he sees me as crazy or stupid. I just want to be blunt.

 

Would this be enabling him with power? Would I feel stupid afterwards? Is it better to keep this to myself?

Edited July 21, 2011 by Misprint

[betterdeal]

Write the letter but don't send it. Not yet. It can help you to clear your thoughts to write it down. So do it, put it in an envelope and put that in a drawer for a few days. After a few days, read it back to yourself. See how that makes you feel.

 

If two people are not working as a couple, splitting up is often a good resolution. You guys couldn't give each other what the other wanted. Being the one that calls time out or the end of things is typically seen as a negative thing, as dumping someone, but, really, someone has to do it, and you did what you felt was best at the time. He's doing fine now, so it did work for him. Let go of that guilt of yours. You did the hard bit of calling it off and taking on the bad guy role, which means you took one for the team.

 

Don't be sad it's over - be happy it happened.

[Misprint]

Write the letter but don't send it. Not yet. It can help you to clear your thoughts to write it down. So do it, put it in an envelope and put that in a drawer for a few days. After a few days, read it back to yourself. See how that makes you feel.

 

If two people are not working as a couple, splitting up is often a good resolution. You guys couldn't give each other what the other wanted. Being the one that calls time out or the end of things is typically seen as a negative thing, as dumping someone, but, really, someone has to do it, and you did what you felt was best at the time. He's doing fine now, so it did work for him. Let go of that guilt of yours. You did the hard bit of calling it off and taking on the bad guy role, which means you took one for the team.

 

Don't be sad it's over - be happy it happened.

 

I shall read your guide. Thank you, I will do that. It's already been undergoing the editing process a couple of times. There's a piece of me that idolizes and feels I won't meet anyone even close to his character. I also can't see myself starting the vulnerability process with another person again.

 

Is it possible sending the letter could allow myself forgiveness or not?

Edited July 21, 2011 by Misprint

[betterdeal]

It's possible. What I find more interesting is how those letters evolve over time. I started a free wordpress blog under a fictitious name and posted stuff on there. Then forgot about it. Then had a look at it months later and realised how far I had come since that time.

 

I did send letters a couple of times, and it did feel good. I have copies and they make me cry when I have re-read them. One day I'll destroy them. But send it as a letter not an email, and do wait a few days between drafts before deciding to send it or not. Maybe try posting it to yourself.

[Arlia]

I totally understand where you are. I'm in a very similar situation - ex left me because she didn't love me anymore and started liking someone else. We met a few times and we still get along very well, but we can't be together. So I'm having to cope with losing an almost perfect girl even though I still love her to death. I regret not giving my best for my relationship and this is one of the reasons she broke up. Now I'm trying to move on, though deep inside me I still keep the hope that one day she'll come back.

 

So, regarding the letter. I guess you are trying to find the answer to this question - is there still hope? You already probably know the answer to that question, but if you feel the need to send the letter so that you can move on, I'd suggest you do.

 

It's more about you, not about him, and I don't really like this "give him power" reason. He has moved on, but you're still on your way and I feel you need a little push to realize it's over.

 

Wait a few days though, gather some more opinions before making a decision. Let me know what you think!

[KathyM]

Hello all. I'm new to this forum. Haven't read any threads or the like yet, but am in desperate need of advice. I would greatly appreciate input and will come to repay you all in the future.

 

The only thing stopping me from mailing a letter to my ex are two friends who yelled at me for the thought, and the possible power they say he may have over me if he knows I'm still in love with him. He's moved on really nicely as far as I can tell.

 

I'll backtrack as much history as I can but try and keep it brief.

 

It will be six months since the break-up. I managed no contact for about 4 months. Ran into him at a friend's birthday party in June. Met up with him this month to pick up some remaining items I left at his place.

 

In the beginning he did wish to remain friends with me. Because I couldn't handle it, I initiated NC. I've been in a slump for 5 months even though I slowly progressed, though not much. I'm still obsessed. Maybe infatuated is the better word. I'm considering therapy since I can't seem to let go.

 

Since I cut him out of my life, running into him I saw he harbored no negative feelings towards me. That made me feel really guilty. He's striving to be selfless, and is such a genuinely good person- despite hating him for awhile I can't keep it up any longer. I've tried to find reasons that made us unfit for one another, but I can't think of much.

 

He's always been really nice. The kind of person you can learn to hate. In a way, I always viewed that trait in a competitive form.

 

We would've been together for 3 years this august. He was also my best friend. I don't have many people in my life, so it was as if I was mourning a death.

 

Our break-up wasn't over any severe issues. Because of that, I'm suffering from guilt of being the bad guy who always gave him more trouble than he did me. We had communication issues- the biggest problem. I'm filled with self-hatred. I can't seem to forgive myself even though I know it wasn't entirely my wrongdoings.

 

Although we mutually agreed to end the relationship, as far as the roles go, I took on the dumpee. I've had a hard time managing and can go as far to say he is the one I still desire in a sense. I do regret the break-up, and I feel like an idiot for having it happen on really bad days. I can't shake the blame.

 

I wanted to write him a letter, clearing the air and letting him know I still care about him deeply. That I don't expect anything, I would just feel guilt if he died or something before I was entirely honest because I cut him out of my life. In the back of my mind, I do want him back but I'm trying to not expect anything. I told my friends I have nothing to lose. I don't care if he sees me as crazy or stupid. I just want to be blunt.

 

Would this be enabling him with power? Would I feel stupid afterwards? Is it better to keep this to myself?

He has moved on. Time for you to move on as well.

[Misprint]

Thank you for your input Arlia. I don't really like that power reasoning either. It's not a battle of who maintains strength the longest I think.

 

And yes KathyM, I'm very aware he's moved on. A hopeful side still remains. Both of us are very stubborn, and maybe I just need that slap to my face of hearing it from him to have it fully absorbed. If I knew for sure it would damage me more so, I wouldn't do it. I don't know.

[Misprint]

Ok. It's been a little over two weeks since I wrote this letter. I can't manage the indecisiveness any longer, so I need to make a choice. Admittedly, reading what I wrote for about the fifth time, sounds childish. I'm going to tweak it a bit. I've tried to remain very neutral in the letter and unemotional- as that's how I feel most comfortable.

 

It is about taking a chance, as opposed to never knowing how he may feel in return. I will never know if I don't at least allow him to know I harbor no more negative feelings towards him. It hurts me to have him think I may hate him. I don't think we'd return to being friends, but it feels like it would be somewhat relieving to let him know I don't hate him. I'm hoping a weight will be lifted from my mind. I can at least relax more and not have to focus so much on the thought.That's a validated reason, is it not?

 

Opinions still appreciated, or if anyone did something similar.

Edited July 23, 2011 by Misprint

[Misprint]

Update:

 

I decided to send an e-mail. The letter plan originally failed because I was low on ink and couldn't last many more days.

 

The reality behind this experience will be acknowledged so it can help future people in similar predicaments to make their own decisions regarding doing this. I did have a breakdown yesterday due in part to discovering a site that exhibited how much he was progressing with his life. I discovered this truth during the process of searching for an updated e-mail address.

 

I do attribute a large portion of those worthless feelings to my menstrual cycle though. I turn so sensitive I can't manage my emotions.

 

This morning I felt much better, and was glad to have work keeping me preoccupied.

 

A couple of hours later I still feel very good. I'm proud I sent the e-mail. There is a piece of me that is still expecting a response, and another piece that would rather not receive anything because I'm happy on my part. If he doesn't reply within a couple of days I think that's the end of my attempts. At first I thought I would just follow up by sending a letter- but I feel confident enough not to.

 

So yes, I can see myself turning this life around step by step. I hope I can manage to keep these emotions steady through progress.

[betterdeal]

I hope it all goes well for you.

[KathyM]

Update:

 

I decided to send an e-mail. The letter plan originally failed because I was low on ink and couldn't last many more days.

 

The reality behind this experience will be acknowledged so it can help future people in similar predicaments to make their own decisions regarding doing this. I did have a breakdown yesterday due in part to discovering a site that exhibited how much he was progressing with his life. I discovered this truth during the process of searching for an updated e-mail address.

 

I do attribute a large portion of those worthless feelings to my menstrual cycle though. I turn so sensitive I can't manage my emotions.

 

This morning I felt much better, and was glad to have work keeping me preoccupied.

 

A couple of hours later I still feel very good. I'm proud I sent the e-mail. There is a piece of me that is still expecting a response, and another piece that would rather not receive anything because I'm happy on my part. If he doesn't reply within a couple of days I think that's the end of my attempts. At first I thought I would just follow up by sending a letter- but I feel confident enough not to.

 

So yes, I can see myself turning this life around step by step. I hope I can manage to keep these emotions steady through progress.

Hopefully, sending the Email will give you some kind of closure and will help you to move on. I know it's difficult. It would be a good idea for you to make plans at this point in connection with your future. Make a list of goals you want to accomplish and brainstorm how you would accomplish those goals, and then take steps to accomplish them. When one chapter is closed in our life, it is important to refocus our energies on what we want to accomplish in life. It will help to give your life meaning, help you to improve your outlook, and you'll also have an opportunity to meet people. I would also suggest finding a support group for people going through what you are. They can be very helpful and provide emotional support to you.

[Arlia]

Hey Misprint, how is it going? Did you get any sort of reply? If not, how are you coping?

 

I'm contemplating doing the same thing as you - sending one last letter. My ex told me she does not love me in a romantic way anymore and that she likes someone else when she dumped me in April (she's been feeling that way since the end of last year). She felt the same even after I met her 3 months post BU, though we hung out several times, had a good time, holding hands and hugging...

 

We did have a few discussions about our relationship, but I still feel I haven't told her everything I wanted to say in a proper way, so I was thinking of sending one last letter to tell her what's on my heart (feelings, what i want, why I want her back, if she's positive about her decision, what I've learned since the BU, etc.). I know there is no hope of immediate reconciliation, but I want to make sure I told her everything before I walk away for good if she's done with me. I don't want to regret not telling her my inner most feelings because there is too much at stake.

 

Sorry for hijacking, but I'd like some advice please because i'm 50/50 right now.

Edited August 4, 2011 by Arlia