walking away

[reachingskywards]

Arabess said this in a recent post :

“ It's almost impossible to walk away from the person you most love while they are still declaring you are the person THEY most love. “

 

This is something I am really trying to deal with.

 

Four months ago and until recently my MM and I were seeing each other 5 nights a week. It was a very intense relationship. I was completely and well and truly head over heals with him. I love him a lot still but it’s deeper and more meaningful now. And I know he loves me too…

 

Having said that, I really want and need a proper relationship with someone who I can live and share my whole life with. While its sometimes really nice to fantasize about how wonderful life would be if we were together full time – the fact is that we’re not. I'm not the jeolous type but it's hard seeing someone you love rush out the door to be with another woman (even if it is his wife). And that's not the only hard thing about the situation. Saturday nights alone, having to pretend to your friends about the situation, not being able to contact him when I want and other stuff all takes it's toll.

 

I tried to leave a while ago and also to create more space but chases me down with so much affection that I melt. He's like some kind of love inducing drug -- I find it hard to say no. He’s like a big puppy dog. When we’re together it’s great. I feel very connected and incredibly loved.

 

But I have to remind myself continuously that he doesn’t belong to me. He never did…. I can’t deceive myself my thinking he’s mine or even by thinking that he ever will be.

 

So I need to be strong and face up to the reality of the situation. As I see there are 2 options :-

 

(1) Walk away. Something I really don’t want to do but may have to.

(2) Staying with him and hoping things will change. I think this will drive me nuts.

 

In my last relationship (not with a MM) I was really hurt and let down by the guy who made all these promises about our life together and let me down in a big way. Although my MM has made small noises about ‘leaving’ etc I'm very wary of having false hope and don't want to be let down again. I can’t trust what hasn’t happened (and maybe never will).

 

I think the only thing I can honestly do with any sort of integrity is to call it off. I can't see any other way. I’ve kind of painted myself into a corner….

 

I know I will miss him alot.

 

The hard part is that he will keep contacting me – ring up and cheerfully suggest a coffee etc.. It’s hard to reject someone who deep down you really want to be with. I hope this time I have more strength.

 

Pray for me…...it's time to move on.

[TZ]

It hurts, it really hurts. I know what you're feeling. The good times that you spend with him and how he makes you feel is something that you cherish the most.

 

In my case, my ex-bf/MM and his separated wife of 1 year decided to reconcile. I'm thinking that he's now head over heels over her again now and has erased me from his mind. I haven't. It's tough being under 'no contact' and still wondering what he's up to, what his plans are, and so on.

 

I know he's a bit stubborn and is probably going back to her for the sake of their kid, or for her sake. It was my understanding at the beginning of the relationship that he wasn't returning to her; that he was with me and only me (and he was, since she lives abroad). I had him all to myself, although I didn't see him every day, maybe once-twice per week and then Friday-Sunday.

 

He's old enough to know if somebody (even his wife) is coercing him into reconciling. He had been through similar situations before (doing things for other peoples' sake, not his own) and got out of them. He's old enough to know who he wants to be with.

 

He said our relationship wouldn't work because of HIS jealousy/lack of trust toward me (totally unfounded, completely irrational) and I wish he would look inside himself and see that it's something coming from HIS insecurity issues, not because of anything I've done. And I haven't done anything to make him feel that I would cheat, except for looking at a guy for about 2 seconds in a restaurant--and he saw me looking (that's it!). He made a big deal out of it, saying that I showed no respect, and so on.

 

I'm trying to focus on his bad qualities so that I can forget about him.

[Chrissy21]

Reachingskywards:

 

I understand exactly the way you feel. It gets tough spending Saturday nights alone wondereing what he's doing or if he's with his wife. I trust him-I really do but when you see your MM going home to his wife it's hard make your heart ignore what your eyes won't hide. And it's very frustrating when he tells you how much he is in love with you and how much he wants to be with you forever. It makes you want to stay-or at least it makes me want to stay. I start to think that I can take just a little more, that it will be worth it in the end. But on those lonely nights you start wondering if there will ever be an end. And I ask him this question alot. I just cannot stay if it will always be this way. I get tired of the lies, the hiding, the secrets. I just want to be with someone and have the freedom of a relationship that doesn't have to be a secret from the world that I have now started to crave. But it seems impossible to walk away from him; in fact i just don't think i can do it. i love him too much. it hurts too much to think about him not in my life. So I have to ask myself where does that leave me? I have to believe that he is not putting me through all of this for nothing. Especially since my parents found out about it last week. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to face in my life. The look on my dads face was enough to make me want to die. He looked so hurt and disappointed. I felt like such a loser.

 

My MM and I used to get together about five nights a week, the same as you. And I remember how great it was. It was in the summer and I had an evening class and he would always take me out afterwards. Now he works out of town during the week and I only get to see him on the weekends. Sometimes only on Friday and sunday. Saturday he spends with his 2 year old girl. He is a sweet guy and I love him to death, but it gets really lonely. And the thing is he knows that I'm pretty young, so he asks me alot if i still want to go out and date other guys and stuff. The thing is I really don't. I found this amazing guy that happens to be in a bad situation and I'm willing to give that all up for him. I don't miss all the partying and the drugs. Or the sneaking home in the late morning hours. I love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life.

[abyssalsmile]

I understand how you feel not being able to spend as much time as you can .I actually have a question are these MM the only people you are with have you tried to go on with your life with someone else? In my case I been the OW for about 3-1/2 yrs. but within the first 6 months I was just with the MM then I met my boyfried. I care for my BF but I am in love with the MM . I come to realize a long time ago where I stand in this relationship with MM. I am aware that our relationship is unhealthy. But I think with me being with my bf has helped me not to care as much as I want to for the mm.

I had posted something a week ago about me being pregnant and info on child support from the MM and yet I had to abort. I had decided that our relationship is coming to an end. And for me to bring a child into this world would have made my situation with the MM worse. I am hurt because I dont want it to end but nothing is forever. I am really glad that this website has a forum for the ow . Cause we all know that all the married woman do not like us.I also would never do this again we all learn from our experience . I think also that if the MM does not leave his wife after the 1st yr. he probably never would.

[justcallmesnug]

Originally posted by Chrissy21

Reachingskywards:

 

had posted something a week ago about me being pregnant and info on child support from the MM and yet I had to abort.

 

Wow, if that happened to me I would probably die! I am so sorry to hear this Sky. I never got to have a child, and it is tough for me to see him with kids with her, even though he knows it was an error. The kids came from her body and all of my greatness will never beat that.

[Girlie]

Oh, Sweetie, I hope things turn out ok for you. You definitely deserve someone who can share their entire life with you, and it's good that you are realizing that. Moving on will be difficult, but you know in your heart that it is the right thing to do...at least that's what I get from the tone of your post. I have no doubt that he will continue to try contacting you and I hope you will be able to stay strong. It's difficult, but you CAN do it. He has a wife and he has an obligation, in my opinion, to end that relationship before he starts messing with anyone else. You obviously can't force him to do that, but you can NOT be a part of what he is doing. Remind yourself that he is NOT, most likely, going to leave his wife. Especially not when he can have the both of you.

Good luck and keep us posted and please come back if you need anyone!

[Naive]

I know exactly what you are going through! As I read your thread all I could do was nod my head and agree. I totally understand what you mean. I know that deep down in our hearts we want something better but when MM comes around with his sweetness all we can do is melt in their hands, right? The best advice that I got was "spend your time doing other thing, like going out with friends, dancing, join a club". That is really the best thing to do because when you are busy you do not have time to think that he's with his wife, that you cannot call him, that he's probably kissing his WIFE!!! Basically, you just do not have time to think about HIM!

 

I know hon' that it's easier said than done but we all want a man to call our own and that's why there are websites like this one... Most of the people here are going through similar dilemmas and we can all give each other support as well as relate to one another's problems.

[meanon]

Reachingskywards, have you read kkat's thread: Love is not enough?". You may find it helpful. You know there is no future in this. He may love you but while he can have you both he'll do so. The only way to find out if he loves you enough not to lose you is for you to end it.

 

Be under no illusions. Most MM having affairs do not leave their wives. You need to leave while you can. The longer you stay, the more difficult it becomes. The love grows, the need grows, the unhappiness grows as you miss your lover's presence in your life. This saps your resources to leave and cope alone. Get out now, there is no prospect of happiness if you stay, only increasing isolation and distress.

[reachingskywards]

Dear Gals,

 

Thanks for your advice and support… I really couldn't get through this without you lot. I wish you didn’t actually know what it’s like… but comforting to have people to understand.

 

Update… Last night we went to a nice restaurant and I said we had to talk. I told him that I couldn’t see him anymore-etc etc. I was trying to be strong but tears were running down my face.. And even though I had been going over in my mind what to say… that didn’t help. . I stuttered and stumbled my way through it all.

 

We agreed to go on a couple of 'dates' next week and then that will be the end. I hope this was the right thing to do. It seemed a reasonable request at the time but ... am having second thoughts.

 

Anyway….

 

Last night after he left I felt a lot of love like I never had before. At first I thought it was me feeling love for him … you know, appreciating him more now I was about to loose him. But this was different. Then I realized (shock) that it was love for (...wait for it) me !!!… (gasp). I’ve finally done something right by myself !! I realized that I’ve never really ever taken care of this and myself must be just about a first. It feels good to be treating myself right. I hope I can keep it up.

[meanon]

It feels good to be treating myself right

 

That's great! Well done. Think carefully before you go on those dates. If you go please bear a few things in mind. He may not want to let you go and he may be prepared to make you unhappy to get his way. After all he is not used to putting you first, is he? Neither are you. The issue is not whether he loves you but how much. If he loved you enough he would leave his wife or he would let you go, he would want you to be happy. Remember that if the going gets tough.

[kkat]

I think you are at the point where you've realized two things:

1. That the current situation isn't working for you, at all.

2. That the current situation isn't going to change for the better with him - that there is no end in sight, e.g. he isn't leaving his wife for you.

 

Based on that -- you've already decided what you need to do, and you've stuck your toe in the water to do it. This is a really big step. Congratulations. I know for me it was one of, but not the hardest, of the steps.

 

Now you've got to put your walk with your talk. Going out on a couple more dates with him seems dangerous to me, but my instinct is that you're going to do it - I know I did! But think carefully before you go about what you want to accomplish on those "dates" and how that relates to your goal. Honestly, for me, when I kept seeing him, and even now with the ongoing phone contact - it was/is partly about trying to have a peaceful, healthy closure and resolution. But it was also - and I'd be lying to myself if I said otherwise - my own fear of letting go. It's somewhat like an alcoholic saying - "just a couple of drinks at this party, then I'm quitting next week."

 

When you're ready, you have to stop seeing him in order for it to end. And then, you have to break other contact as well.

 

Everybody's situation is different, so you've got to decide the specifics of how to best accomplish the break for you. The painful reality of most of these relationships and for most OW is that we are the one who ends the relationship - because the MM will most often stay in it indefinitely! So, it's very hard - we are the ones who want the relationship the most, but we have to end it - because he will not do so, and because continuing it is too painful, unhealthy, and a waste of time.

 

Good luck to you, and again, if you do go on those dates - try to have a strategy before you go.

[unluckylady]

I really want and need a proper relationship with someone who I can live and share my whole life with. While its sometimes really nice to fantasize about how wonderful life would be if we were together full time – the fact is that we’re not. This is THE hardest thing to accept.

[SJ]

I admire you for having the strength to be true to yourself. I am also involved with a MM. It has been just over two years now. They don't live together, but that doesn't matter to me. As far as she knows, everything is fine. He is just independent as far as she is concerned. I am madly in love with him. I am not sure how it happened. We were friends. He pursued me, for awhile and I was uncomfortable with it. Then, I liked the attention. This gave way to a kind of flirting which, in a short while turned to a torrid romance. It is so painful sometimes. I want to be with him all the time and he is so distant, both physically and emotionally. He had a difficult childhood. (Yes, yes, we ALL did. MOVE ON, buddy!!)

 

We have always had somewhat of a long distance relationship, first different parts of California, now he is in the Midwest. I am moving there, too, but I don't know if he will stay. He talks about leaving because he is so unhappy there. The truth is, he is unhappy in his own skin and he, like everyone, needs to look within for his own answers.

 

Two days ago, we had a fight about Christmas. He was going to spend it with his family. I was so hurt. He then told me he had planned on bringing me with him without my kids. I started thinking, "How does that work?" Hey, Dad, meet my girlfriend. My wife? What wife? (And no kids on Christmas, are you KIDDING ME??) It just blew me away. I was so pissed off. I don't know what he was thinking and told him I could not meet his family if he was still married. I asked him why, after two years, we still argued about his getting a divorce and ultimately, he broke up with me, telling me that he was not worthy of me and that I should find someone else.

 

This all makes perfect logical sense, right? Right. Ok, let him go, he is not making any changes etc etc. I am so addicted to him that I wanted to take it all back. Forget it all. Thank goodness, he would not let me. So, we are now platonic friends until whenever. He says I should start dating. I don't want to start dating. I want to go live in a cave and forget I ever had this or any relationship.

 

How long do you give me apart from this guy? 2 weeks? This is SAD. I really need to get back in therapy!!! Advice? How do you break the addiction? It feels like I would imagine HEROIN feels. I LOVE being with him and want to DIE without him. I don't mean to be dramatic, but that is how I really feel. HELP!!!!

[alsoconfuzed]

SJ......it isn't easy! I found that out today. I had myself all pumped up to tell my MM that he has to choose between me and his wife. I did tell him, but before the conversation was over I was putty in his hands again!

 

How are we supposed to get thru the NC stage? I think about my MM 24/7! How are we supposed to just turn that off?

[D-Glo]

reachingsywards,

 

I only wish you the best in your journey. I'm personally in an extremely similar situation, which is what brought me to this board. I've been in this for over a year and I'm hoping that some day soon, I find the strength that it takes to walk away.

 

Trust me when I say that I truly hope that you find the strength to walk away from your situation and find happiness and joy in your life. And remember, if you ever need support, there are some amazingly wonderful people here that are extremely supportive and listen well

[ICantStopLovinHim]

Reading your post literally made me cry.....like everyone else here has said I have been through what you are going through reachingskywards.

 

I have already walked away. I have moved on. The only thing I hope you can learn from what I did is to make sure you are tryly over your MM before you begin another relationship.

 

That is the mistake I made. I used another man to get over my MM, I didn't know how else to leave him. I thought I needed a distraction I guess you could say. That was two years ago and I still love the MM as much now as the day I walked out of his life.

 

And what makes it hard on me is to look in my current b/f eyes and knowing that I have more love for another man, than the one I am currently spending my life with, we even have a 7 month old son.

 

Its so hard. The hardest thing in the world to live with is the pain I feel. And the guilt I feel every time I look at my b/f or my son. And also my current b/f knows about the MM and his trust for me is so minimum its hard to even have a normal life together..... Just know walking away even though i know it hurts and trust me two years later its still hurting.....it was the best thing you could ever do.

 

I pray for you.....I pray for all of us for the strength to get over this.