I don't understand this... mid life crisis

[guiltofone]

I feel I may be in a mid life crisis. I have some of the classic symptoms and other symptoms that aren't. I decided that I would like to leave my wife, be a co-parent to my kids, and live alone and work on me. When I think about doing this, I feel bad when I think about the pain my wife is in now, which I totally understand. I would like to believe that she will go through the pain and then heal and then move on in life and be happy again. I don't know a lot of divorced couples, but every one I know seems to have moved on. I think that in time everyone does heal and moves on, just some might take longer than others.

 

In my searching and reading about mid life crisis', I came across a site that talks about "busting divorces". I read what this lady suggests people do and I was so angry that this is what anyone would do. I just do not understand this. I will sum it up for anyone who doesn't know. (it may be slightly skewed)

 

The basic idea is for the husband or wife to not say or do anything to the spouse going through the mid life crisis. You let them go, do what they need to do to get it out of their systems. Moving out, buying things, having affairs, basically being single. Then maybe someday they will come back to you, but there never is a guarantee. Then if they DO come back, then you have a whole host of problems you and the spouse get to work on for however long it takes.

 

I read a few of the posts, they are sad. I do not understand why these people are not being told to move on with their own lives. Yes, they are told to make sure they are taking care of themselves, but it's all in preparation for the glorious return of the one who left them to begin with. Tell me why this is ok?! I would hope that any friends and family will have the decency to tell me to get up and move forward. Close the door to that person and start living the rest of my life. I just can't comprehend the mentality of a person who would put themselves through this kind of torture.

[Stupid Girl]

I'm going through the same thing (although it may be a quarter life crisis - and I'm the person suffering on the other end, not the one having the crisis), and what you wrote from that website was exactly how I felt at first. Oh it's not his fault, we're still right for each other, I'll just wait around for him until he realizes that. But I quickly realized that's a fast road to a dead-end life. You can't live your life for someone else, especially when that person doesn't care about you enough to put in the effort to make your relationship work. Today it's been 3 weeks since we broke up, and I'm not waiting around anymore.

[rosie72]

My partner is also going through a midlife crisis and thinks he wants to leave me. And I am one of the 'hopeless' ones waiting for him. The thing is, he is TOTALLY confused about whether to stay or go. Really seems a 50/50 split, though maybe its 50% wants to leave and 50% guilt at ruining me and my sons lives...

But, if i push him out and tell him to leave before he's made that decision, im pretty much killing any hope of things working out. Aren't I?

[guiltofone]

Maybe there isn't really a question. I just don't understand why someone would hang on so tight and sit by while being hurt, quite possibly repeatedly. Why do people think it is ok to go through this. Are the people in the mid life crisis really worth all of that?

 

Stupid Girl, I'm sorry to hear that you are on the receiving end of it. I do applaud you for saying that will move on and not wait around. Good for you to find the strength and courage to move forward.

 

It sometimes sounds like the people on that site like to lump everything in to a mid life crisis in order to sort of justify the actions of the one in it. Not to say the actions are ok or anything. Just a way to keep hope that the mid life crisis will come to an end at some point and they will resume life as normal. But I think when someone goes off into a mid life crisis, they stoped believing in the marriage themselves.

[guiltofone]

rosie72, this is exactly where I am at. Maybe I can ofer you some sort of perspective on what I am going through in order to help give you some insight into your situation?

 

I am ready to leave. I have done hours of reading and reading. Looked in to the cost of getting a divorce and how to go about the whole process. You are absolutey 100% on point about the guilt of ruining the spouse and kids. For me it is more about the spouse, I feel that I am committed to making sure my kids will be alright, and feel confident that it can be done. I just want to know that my wife will move on and be ok. There will be pain and tears and all that, but she has a good network of friends that I hope will encourage her to pick up and move on. If I knew this was certain, it would make it easier to move forward.

 

For me, if my wife said that I should leave, I would jump on that opportunity. I think it's a common thing to try and make the other person be the one to break it off. Some people will use that as a reason to say, "she wanted me to leave, so I did." This would not be me, I am fully aware that I have messed things up and if I were asked to leave, I would not place any blame on her.

 

I don't want to say there is no hope, I don't have any clue about your situation. But this is where I become dumbfounded by some people. I think there is a certain amount of fighting for what you want that needs to be done. You also have to realize when that fighting becomes useless and know when to move on.

 

If you have anything you would like to ask, feel free. I am certainly willing to discuss any of this.

[worlybear]

Hmmmm. Forgive my cynicism but I have a question . Do you really want to live alone or are you expecting to re-invent yourself as an "unattached single?"

If you have children- leaving home is a huge step and may not turn out quite as smoothly as you anticipate!

[guiltofone]

No, I truly and honestly do want to live by myself. I have always loved to be alone. Even now, I sit in the other room by myself, I go for walks alone, I wait till everyone has gone to bed before I feel I can get up and be me and do the things I want to do.

 

I have never considered my self as a social person at all. I have absolutely no desire to go hang out in a bar, go to a club, or wherever you might meet single people. I am terribly shy, very quite, don't like people mostly. I feel what I am after at this point is some peace in my life and the time to focus on me without having to answer to anyone else.

 

I realize that I will always have responsibilites, to which I will always be loyal, one of my traits/faults. I do love my kids and know that it will take a lot of effort to make sure they come through all of this as smoothly as possible.

[Stupid Girl]

rosie, look at what you wrote. His options are 1) stay with you out of guilt 2) leave you. Why would you want to stay with somebody who feels that way about you!?

 

guilt, you sound a lot like my ex. This is exactly what he told me he was doing last time we spoke. I was thinking there was no way that was what he was actually doing, it must be sleazier than that. But maybe it's more common just to actually want to get away?

[velociheart]

I believe my ex is one of these going through this, he's almost 50. Argued a lot and blamed me, stubborn as hell kept getting more and more irritated and hard to deal with and the friends were saying that too.

Though, soon after we broke he decided to find someone online..younger and apparently proposed though they aren't living together or even in the same state.

As the woman on the receiving end of this, I read everything and anything I could about this situation and would have loved to have helped him through, encouraged, anything. However, it's done though I still stupidly hope one day he'll realize I wasn't that bad a woman. It isn't easy going through midlife I'd say for anyone but to split up a long term relationship because you can't cope is not a solution it's a way to hurt a lot of people in the process. You have kids and a wife and how do you think they will feel once you have made your decision. Have you gone to a doctor for any assistance with this?

[guiltofone]

rosie72, I wouldn't tell you to give up hope. I just think that while you are worrying about your relationship potentially falling apart, you also need to worry about finding ways to make yourself happy. I couldn't imagine sitting by for years just waiting till my SO finished with their "crisis" only for them to never come back, or to have to now sit and fix all the damage they caused to themselves when they finaly figured out they were "wrong".

 

Velociheart, it sucks that he is making you feel like it's you, I would bet it isn't you. For me, it is ME. I know this without a doubt in my mind. No, I have not seen a doctor yet, although yesterday I was feeling very very sad and alone even though I was siting with my kids and my wife was over on her computer. I think it may be time to go talk to someone. I do know how my wife is feeling, and I think it is part of what is making me very sad. Maybe I am coming to my senses.

 

The desire to be alone is still there and very strong, but maybe there is a better way? I don't know. I have never claimed to have any answers, im just full of problems.

[velociheart]

Guiltofone, if you are feeling alone with your family there then maybe seeing someone that you can express your feelings to might be some help to you? If you are going through midlife as much as I hate saying 'take something for it' there are prescriptions that they do suggest that can level out the hormone levels as well that really do change when you go through this part of your life. When they say it only happens to women, it's garbage we all have hormonal changes all through our lives and this one is the big one. Acknowledging that you know how she is feeling is a huge deal and the consideration you're putting into this is more than the cut and run a lot of guys will do because they don't really understand what they are going through.

As much as you like being alone, have you considered that this is a reaction to all the changes your body and mind are going through, not wanting to have others see you, or deal with you and keep yourself isolated while you work this out? A natural instinct for many creatures dealing with pain whether external or internal.

As for mine, yeah most of my friends think it's him. He's not being rational as far as they are concerned, he's pretty much lived a hermit life except for a few outings here and there and I really don't know what else he's doing since I'm pretty much leaving him alone but honestly, I'd love to help him if this is what he's dealing with but, it's not my place any more is it?

I hope you can come to a resolution that helps you guilt, we're all full of problems it's in how we deal with them that makes the difference and by coming here and talking you have some support to hopefully help you in some way.

[Desert Rose]

How long this mid-life crisis could last, and how the feelings will change when it's over?

[guiltofone]

velociheart, I was on the edge of just running. It's hard to stomach the pain I know I am causing. But I know if I just leave, it will screw up my kids and my chances of getting to see them. Last night was I was really low, and the one person I have been talking with about all this, has said I need to find another outlet, its starting to weigh on her a lot. Probably not the best idea to have confided in another woman, shes been a good friend kind of watching my back. And I've been here too, talking. But as someone who is trying to leave a marriage, you don't get a lot of support.

 

But, whatever. I have access to therapy so I will take it. The end result may still be that leaving is needed, but at least she and I will know that I took steps to deal with it. And maybe it would help ease some pain and guilt if that is where life takes us.

 

As far as helping your SO, i dunno. I was actually getting very frustrated when my wife started suggesting therapy, couples counceling, she had a friend of hers email me asking if I wanted to talk to him. It just felt like constant "let me fix you!". If yours is there too, then I think it's got to be up to him. but I know if I see her moving on and being happy, it will help me to move on too. So the only thing I can say is, to help him, help yourself. Besides, you can't forget you have a life to live also. Everyone deserves to be happy, if this chapter in your life is ending, don't wait to start the next chapter... it could be better.

 

I think in reality, what I am after, is the chance to make all my own decisions. Fall on my own face because of me. Get up becuase I am making my self do it. Push on, even though it hurts, becuase I tell my self to. I want to believe that I need to be thrown into a sink or swim scenario, and what ever happens, is what needs to be. I feel I need to break out of a shell that I have been crammed into for so long, all the people I know, the things I have, the place I am at, the job, everything! It needs to go, because it's all been forced on me in a way. But I am not wanting to do it in a wreckless way. I have my visions, my goals, my desires, I want to achieve these things. But I want to minimize the damage to everyone. I didn't want to just disappear. But this may all be me dreaming, like it could happen in such a way.

 

Desert Rose, I have no clue. It would be easy to get through it if I knew how long it would last. I have read that it can be from months to years. Part of a mid life crisis seems to be a re-evaluation of ones self. Some feelings could stay the same, others could be completely opposite from where they started. I think the only certain thing is, it is a time of change in everyones life. It's not always drastic or devastating, it seems some people have a period of real growth while not disturbing everything in their lives. Others, like me I guess, don't seem to take it so well and can quickly spin out of control.

 

I will admit that by being a person who does not do well when talking about my feelings, face to face, with my wife or any one for that matter, it has all been made that much worse. Everyone knows, you dont keep these feelings inside, but not everyone can get them out. But even being here has helped. I just wish I made the effort to talk to someone before it got this bad. Seems like a long uphill battle infront of me, part of me is looking forward to it cause I'd like to know me.

[velociheart]

Guilt, I've read that can be part of it but you are making a concerted effort to think of others and do something proactive instead of just running. Sometimes a friend is just a friend female or not and while I understand not giving support when leaving is in the picture I can see where this particular situation can be a sticky one.

 

As far as my SO goes, he probably doesn't realize what is going on. He feels he is always right and he became far more argumentative, agitated and pushed friends away and then me, friends are still there and I guess I may be the bad guy now but, I don't know as I've distanced myself. My issue with not helping him is that every female in his life..ex wives etc have cheated and left him no one has ever bothered to be there for him or help him, ever. So, I feel reticent given the amount of years we had and the friendship we started from to turn my back on him if he's drowning. I have been looking after me and doing my own thing but, my choice after much deliberation is to still be there in some capacity if he wants it.

 

It sounds like you haven't had much choice in your life and that a lot was thrust upon you, not so in all situations. You can step back and assess things and perhaps make changes for yourself but you may need to take time to understand what it is you need.

You are thoughtful in your progress of this which is a big difference than many. Talking about and admitting that this is a problem is something a lot of men will not do, thinking that it's all someone elses fault. There was a site that deal with irritable male syndrome which is the same and they talk about dealing with it and how it can affect you and others and symptoms and more. It helped explain a lot to me.

 

Desert Rose, sadly there is no short answer to your solution and it is different for every male. Look up irritable male syndrome and andropause as well as male menopause to understand more about what it entails. If you are being pushed away and being told it's your fault as well as feeling helpless and not knowing what to do, you will need support to help you through. If you have an SO going through it I don't know what to suggest as some will take help, some will ignore it and it's a confusing time for all.

[Graceful]

Why can't you at least start with a baseline statement, which is that you are no longer in love with your wife?

 

If you were in love with her and couldn't live without her, you would be seeking help in solving your inner turmoil, what ever it is, about your identity crisis, or ways to have some space, yet remain with her.

 

So just say it. You are not in love with your wife. You're not happy with your life. You love your children. You want to be involved in their lives, and you're willing to do what ever it takes to maintain a parenting role.

 

But you don't want to be married. Just say it. What difference does all the rest of this psychobabble make? Mid-life crisis. I think it's called being in "transition" -- it's called a lot of things. But the label is just a dumb, meaningless label that makes you sound like some lame middle class guy who has some Peter Pan syndrome and decided he doesn't want to be a grown up anymore, you know.

 

What's out there that you can clearly state you want other than your freedom and some sense of the unknown that your current, predictable, same old, same old, day in, day out life doesn't have?

 

You don't know. You just know you want out. Right? So why agonize over it. Just pull off the band-aid, and admit it.

 

I think in reality, what I am after, is the chance to make all my own decisions. Fall on my own face because of me. Get up becuase I am making my self do it. Push on, even though it hurts, becuase I tell my self to. I want to believe that I need to be thrown into a sink or swim scenario, and what ever happens, is what needs to be. I feel I need to break out of a shell that I have been crammed into for so long, all the people I know, the things I have, the place I am at, the job, everything! It needs to go, because it's all been forced on me in a way. But I am not wanting to do it in a wreckless way. I have my visions, my goals, my desires, I want to achieve these things.

Well, if you haven't been making your own decisions, then who has been making them for you? Unless you mean that you don't want to have to include your wife and kids anymore and want to abdicate responsibility for them. You're crammed into a shell? Welcome to the club of people with marriage and kids. Do you know the sacrifices people make for their families? Do you think my wonderful Dad loved his job? Well, no, he didn't. But did he love me? Yes, he did. Know what lots of people do? They make their family a priority. So if you don't want to do that, admit it. If that's not what's going to drive your happiness, admit it. If you feel guilty about it, admit it. But all the rest is just smoke and mirrors and sounds like a lot of crap, you know?

 

What's causing the guilt is that you don't seem to have it that bad, do you? Your life isn't a disaster, is it? Your wife isn't a shrew, is she? You don't bicker day and night, do you? So the guilt is because you feel like another textbook case of some middle class, middle age guy who woke up and looked in the mirror and decided he could not face another day in the life he has ... and maybe feels ungrateful?

 

Get into therapy STAT and force yourself to admit how you feel out loud and stop hiding behind a textbook label. That's not going to help you.

 

It would probably really help you to just remove the label of "mid life crisis" , and call a spade a spade.

 

Best of luck -- and take care.

 

It's hard to stomach the pain I know I am causing. But I know if I just leave, it will screw up my kids and my chances of getting to see them.

 

But as someone who is trying to leave a marriage, you don't get a lot of support.

 

But, whatever. I have access to therapy so I will take it. The end result may still be that leaving is needed, but at least she and I will know that I took steps to deal with it. And maybe it would help ease some pain and guilt if that is where life takes us.

 

But I want to minimize the damage to everyone. I didn't want to just disappear. But this may all be me dreaming, like it could happen in such a way.

 

It would be easy to get through it if I knew how long it would last. I have read that it can be from months to years. Part of a mid life crisis seems to be a re-evaluation of ones self. Some feelings could stay the same, others could be completely opposite from where they started. I think the only certain thing is, it is a time of change in everyones life. It's not always drastic or devastating, it seems some people have a period of real growth while not disturbing everything in their lives. Others, like me I guess, don't seem to take it so well and can quickly spin out of control.

 

I will admit that by being a person who does not do well when talking about my feelings, face to face, with my wife or any one for that matter, it has all been made that much worse. Everyone knows, you dont keep these feelings inside, but not everyone can get them out. But even being here has helped. I just wish I made the effort to talk to someone before it got this bad. Seems like a long uphill battle infront of me, part of me is looking forward to it cause I'd like to know me.

Edited July 22, 2011 by Graceful

[Duckduckgoose]

I agree with Graceful. I also remember reading that you "prefer" being and living alone. If that is the case, why did you marry in the first place? So you could turn around and do this ****?

 

Man up and get some counselling. Get some anti-depressants too, sounds like you got some of that going on as well.

 

Another sad case of "My life doesn't suck so I think I'll **** things up some".

[guiltofone]

Graceful, I did start with that. I had been growing more and more distant, it became obvious that something was wrong, so she asked me. Late that night we had a conversation, I told her that I'm not happy anymore and haven't been for a while. I am no longer in love with her. As expected, she freaked out, cried, I felt ****ed up for saying any of it. Why should I get to be happy in life, especially if it's at the expense of my wifes happiness? Why break a promise and a family that seems normal on the outside?

 

I did say all the things you are saying I should just admit. The "mid life crisis" talk came from everyone else. People here, people she has talked to, my own reading about this stuff. I have never said that it IS a mid life crisis, but people like to label.

 

I have been making my own decisions, but they are made based purely on whats best for everyone else, or at least what I thought was best for everyone else. Ask any 18 year old kid if they know what it takes to build and maintain a solid marriage. We assumed we were indstructable and failed to work on the core of the relationship. I had no guidance from anyone, and I still don't.

 

It's not a matter of not wanting to grow up, in fact I belive it's quite the opposite. I need to grow. I'm not interested in dating someone 10 years younger, not getting a sports car, not going off on weekend warrior crap to recapture my youth or prove I can still hang with the young crowd. For the most part, I don't fit the profile of a mid life crisis.

 

And maybe your father didn't love his job, am I right in assuming he was in love your mother? I still love my kids and will do whatever it takes to make sure they have what they need in their lives. Part of what they need is a father who is happy. I am far from that. To many people just suffer becuase they think that is whats right. Becuase thats what they were taught. And if you're speaking about people who are much older, divorce sometimes was not an option. Today, sadly, it is common place. I know several couples who have divorced and moved on with their lives, several of them are now remarried, dunno if they are happy though.

 

And you're right, with the exception of me not being happy and in love with my wife, the marriage seems normal to everyone else. We have typical arguments, financial problems and what not, but I have pretended to go along with everything to make everyone happy. I could have just shut up, maybe met an early grave and everyone could mourn the loss of a "good" husband and father. But for some reason I felt I wanted to try and be happy, it's getting worse.

 

Duckduckgoose, I got married because it was the right thing to do, right? I got her pregnant shortly out of high school. My father treated my brothers girlfriend and his son like they didn't exisit cause they weren't married. I didn't want the same thing to happen to us, so I figured that was the right thing to do. We even went to vegas to do it becuase the state of california wanted us to go through counseling first before we could get married here.

 

And according to me, my life DOES suck. I am not happy and not in love. There isn't anyone else who should be judging my life, except me. And it's just unfortunate that it has come to this.

 

In my opinion, the best thing to be done at this point is to end the marriage, and fix myself, make sure my kids know I love them very much and stay an active part of their life. Get along with their mother, even if she hates me. Make sure they are taken care of financially, the wife and kids, so they can at least maintain some semblance of a normal life. Make sure the wifes friends know that she will need their support, I'm sure they already know and are ready to stand at her side and help her through this. Make sure support is avalable for the kids to help them adjust to the fact that their family is changing, not breaking or going away.

[Penelope-love]

In my searching and reading about mid life crisis', I came across a site that talks about "busting divorces". I read what this lady suggests people do and I was so angry that this is what anyone would do. I just do not understand this. I will sum it up for anyone who doesn't know. (it may be slightly skewed)

The basic idea is for the husband or wife to not say or do anything to the spouse going through the mid life crisis. You let them go, do what they need to do to get it out of their systems. Moving out, buying things, having affairs, basically being single. Then maybe someday they will come back to you, but there never is a guarantee. Then if they DO come back, then you have a whole host of problems you and the spouse get to work on for however long it takes.

I read a few of the posts, they are sad. I do not understand why these people are not being told to move on with their own lives. Yes, they are told to make sure they are taking care of themselves, but it's all in preparation for the glorious return of the one who left them to begin with. Tell me why this is ok?! I would hope that any friends and family will have the decency to tell me to get up and move forward. Close the door to that person and start living the rest of my life. I just can't comprehend the mentality of a person who would put themselves through this kind of torture.

What you are talking about is called Standing or being a Stander and people are telling them to move on, dump’em, you’re crazy, how can you respect yourself…

They are moving on…it’s not the same as waiting.

Dump’em is what’s happening to them; that abandonment hurts and they don’t want their marriages to end.

So what, and their MLCer is crazy too.

Of course I can respect my Self, what you are really saying is I don’t respect you. Um, so? Don’t sacrifice your Self respect for the respect of others.

Divorcebusting and other MLC forums for left behind spouses support Standers. They do not support waiting or living on the doormat. Standing encourages getting a life and moving forward—moving on. They are being told to take care of themselves not solely because it prepares them for a glorious return—that may only be realized by a few—but because it is what they need to do whether their MLCer returns or not. The things a person needs to do to heal if they are not Standing are the same things they need to do to heal if they are Standing.

The leaving spouse—MLCer—often is against Standing. That makes sense since they want out. So of course you are going to feel against it.

 

I just don't understand why someone would hang on so tight and sit by while being hurt, quite possibly repeatedly. Why do people think it is ok to go through this. Are the people in the mid life crisis really worth all of that?

They hang on or cling because they are afraid. That is normal. But Standing does not encourage hanging on; it encourages letting-go. But it’s a process and letting-go is part of Standing; it’s giving in not giving up.

 

It sometimes sounds like the people on that site like to lump everything in to a mid life crisis in order to sort of justify the actions of the one in it. Not to say the actions are ok or anything. Just a way to keep hope that the mid life crisis will come to an end at some point and they will resume life as normal. But I think when someone goes off into a mid life crisis, they stopped believing in the marriage themselves.

MLCers stopped believing in a lot of things and they blame the marriage or their spouse directly for much of what is wrong. That doesn’t mean it’s true, but often they believe it to be true. But you are right, the Standing spouses often do start out by either using MLC as a justification either for their MLCers behaviours or to not look at their own faults. Standing trains people to do that though—look at themselves.

 

I decided that I would like to leave my wife, be a co-parent to my kids, and live alone and work on me. When I think about doing this, I feel bad when I think about the pain my wife is in now, which I totally understand. I would like to believe that she will go through the pain and then heal and then move on in life and be happy again. I don't know a lot of divorced couples, but every one I know seems to have moved on. I think that in time everyone does heal and moves on, just some might take longer than others.

For me it is more about the spouse, I feel that I am committed to making sure my kids will be alright, and feel confident that it can be done.

What is well-known is that divorce damages children. Most divorcing parents—or at least the one who wants out—think they will handle it better so that their kids will be fine, they are resilient…you will be the exception because those other people just didn’t handle it well or the right way or fought too much and that won’t happen to you.

Read Judith Wallerstein

Read Barbara Dafoe Whitehead

Read Frank F. Furstenberg Jr. and Andrew Cherlin

Read the new book The Longevity Projecting—fascinating study.

The Coalition for Divorce Reform should have a ton of resources over at their website.

Divorce is bad for kids and for men, women hurt but get through better than men who have reduced lifespans after divorce—even if they remarry.

 

I think there is a certain amount of fighting for what you want that needs to be done. You also have to realize when that fighting becomes useless and know when to move on.

Sure there is fighting for the marriage that gets done and this is important. You acknowledge that. But the person who wants out thinks the fighting becomes useless sooner than the person who doesn’t. Often the person wanting out thinks it is useless immediately upon announcing they want out. And yet it’s not. Many people reconcile after one person goes through short or long periods—sometimes cycling periods of mind-changes—thinking it is completely useless. So I really mean no offense, but when you are some other person wants out and says fighting (I though I don’t like that words since fighting yields fighting) is useless, I don’t put a lot of credibility in it. I believe you, but I see people change their minds all the time. And no, not right away, you read that MLC takes time.

 

I truly and honestly do want to live by myself. I have always loved to be alone. Even now, I sit in the other room by myself, I go for walks alone, I wait till everyone has gone to bed before I feel I can get up and be me and do the things I want to do.

I have never considered my self as a social person at all. I have absolutely no desire to go hang out in a bar, go to a club, or wherever you might meet single people. I am terribly shy, very quite, don't like people mostly. I feel what I am after at this point is some peace in my life and the time to focus on me without having to answer to anyone else.

So? Me too. I’m an introvert—a severe introvert. I need my solitude. But I still want to function , can and do function within my marriage. It took a long time, but my husband is finally starting to understand or at least accept that about me.

 

rosie72, I wouldn't tell you to give up hope. I just think that while you are worrying about your relationship potentially falling apart, you also need to worry about finding ways to make yourself happy.

Excellent, but I’d like to revise it slightly. Happiness is a choice—choose to be happy. Your happiness is your responsibility and no one else’s—not your spouses’ Same with all your other feelings and emotions.

 

For me, it is ME. I know this without a doubt in my mind. No, I have not seen a doctor yet, although yesterday I was feeling very very sad and alone even though I was sitting with my kids and my wife was over on her computer. I think it may be time to go talk to someone. I do know how my wife is feeling, and I think it is part of what is making me very sad. Maybe I am coming to my senses.

The desire to be alone is still there and very strong, but maybe there is a better way? I don't know. I have never claimed to have any answers, I’m just full of problems.

Do you personally or within your family have a history of depression?

Your wife is scared right now. Her fear may cause her to react in ways that pressure you and thus push you further away. But you need your space. Consider coming up with ways to get that space within your marriage. But understand she will be scared and may resist. If you agree to do it within your marriage she will need reassurance—A LOT of reassurance given that you are already pulling away with permanence in mind.

You each need to understand each other and your individual needs. You need personal time and space for your Self. You probably need it for survival and the more she resists and the less you get, the more desperately you need it and thus the more you will resist your wife’s resistance. The natural dynamic is probably for her to pursue while you distance—natural, not healthy.

 

Last night was I was really low, and the one person I have been talking with about all this, has said I need to find another outlet, it’s starting to weigh on her a lot. Probably not the best idea to have confided in another woman, she’s been a good friend kind of watching my back. And I've been here too, talking. But as someone who is trying to leave a marriage, you don't get a lot of support.

But, whatever. I have access to therapy so I will take it.

Please take it, but also, please don’t go to find someone who will simply help you leave—don’t go to find an expert who agrees with you. Go for real help rather than superficial validation.

As for your lady friend; like it or not she is an OW. I know, she’s just a friend. But though it may not be an emotional affair it is emotional infidelity because you are sharing personal information with her that is meant for your marriage.

Unfortunately there is a lot of support of leaving a marriage. There are OWs as well as instigators—people who instigate, support and encourage infidelity and people who instigate and encourage leaving as well as self-entitled happiness.

 

I was actually getting very frustrated when my wife started suggesting therapy, couples counseling, she had a friend of hers email me asking if I wanted to talk to him. It just felt like constant "let me fix you!". If yours is there too, then I think it's got to be up to him. but I know if I see her moving on and being happy, it will help me to move on too. So the only thing I can say is, to help him, help yourself. Besides, you can't forget you have a life to live also. Everyone deserves to be happy, if this chapter in your life is ending, don't wait to start the next chapter... it could be better.

And to your wife it may be about fixing you right now. That is normal for a newbie left behind spouse—part of the process. If you will go to marriage counseling with an open mind it can be beneficial. But you may think an say you will do that and yet you may not—even if you intend to keep your mind open. You want what you want and she wants what she wants and your agendas—at least some of them—oppose each other. Marriage counseling will not work when one person wants out; it works when both are willing to put an effort into improving and rebuilding their marriage. Until then…individual counseling.

 

I think in reality, what I am after, is the chance to make all my own decisions. Fall on my own face because of me. Get up because I am making my self do it. Push on, even though it hurts, because I tell my self to. I want to believe that I need to be thrown into a sink or swim scenario, and what ever happens, is what needs to be. I feel I need to break out of a shell that I have been crammed into for so long, all the people I know, the things I have, the place I am at, the job, everything! It needs to go, because it's all been forced on me in a way.

I have been making my own decisions, but they are made based purely on whats best for everyone else, or at least what I thought was best for everyone else.

This is called Accommodation and it precedes midlife—crisis or transition without crisis, but especially crisis.

 

It's not a matter of not wanting to grow up, in fact I believe it's quite the opposite. I need to grow. I'm not interested in dating someone 10 years younger, not getting a sports car, not going off on weekend warrior crap to recapture my youth or prove I can still hang with the young crowd. For the most part, I don't fit the profile of a mid life crisis.

Actually what you don’t fit is people’s stereotype of a midlife crisis; you do however fit the profile of an actual midlife crisis—or a transition without a crisis too.

You have felt the urge to run and you are giving the “I don’t feel in-love” and “I’m not happy” excuses. And you are describing Accommodation. Those are all big indicators.

Yes, blaming the spouse is common, but it’s not a requirement; I got very little blame when I was the left behind spouse.; he tried and I refused to accept the projections. MLC may involve big purchases and partying, but there are many who turn more inward. It often involves infidelity, but not always.

So what do you want this to be, a transition that does not reach crisis levels—then embrace the journey and work to resolve rather than escape—Face & Feel. Do you want it to be a crisis (I know you don’t really WANT that, who would), then Escape & Avoid.

Either way you will have to embrace this journey at some point to get through it. You can Face & Feel now or you can do it later after you Escape & Avoid.

 

And according to me, my life DOES suck. I am not happy and not in love. There isn't anyone else who should be judging my life, except me. And it's just unfortunate that it has come to this.

In my opinion, the best thing to be done at this point is to end the marriage, and fix myself, make sure my kids know I love them very much and stay an active part of their life.

Right now, your life probably does suck—since you are the only person who can make that judgment. But it’s still a choice. It is a choice to choose to be happy within the situation you are in—your marriage. Easier to write than do, but it is not only possible but probable if you do more than try. Why more than try? Because when people say they will try or they have tried, they are giving themselves an excuse to fail and often they don’t really try but only go through the motions without the e-motions and without the intentions. It’s got to be real to be valid.

 

I still love my kids and will do whatever it takes to make sure they have what they need in their lives. Part of what they need is a father who is happy. I am far from that.

As a Stander I said I would do whatever it took and I would do it until. That is not the same as I will do anything—that would be desperation and sacrificing my principles, because what it takes is not simply anything.

So do what it takes to give your children what they need? You have described your marriage as normal—it sounds like low-conflict. Children in low-conflict families are better off when their parents remain married; children in high-conflict families are better off when their parents separate. What your children need may not match with what you want them to need or what you want to be their best needs. What they need is an intact family.

And you think they need a father who is happy?

Well, you are not wrong, but it is more important for them to have a father that is at home. Refrain: Happiness is a choice. We all think kids can tell or they know when things are going wrong. That is not true. They may know things aren’t perfect and when they sense this they may become fearful that the present level of imperfection will get worse and their parents may separate. And for many a separation comes as a shock.

Doctor Phil says kids would rather come from a broken home rather than be in a broken home. But kids idea and definition of broken does not match adults—their threshold is typically higher.

Now if you ask them, of source they want you to be happy. They also want to please you and tell you what you want to hear. They fear losing you by making you mad or by hurting you. Asking for a child’s idea or opinion on what they want—“don’t you want Daddy to be happy?” is unfair and inappropriate and they are not credible sources. As a teenager I told my Mom she probably did the best thing in divorcing my Dad. And maybe she did and honestly I can’t picture them together—I was 4 and so I have few memories of them together. But I also wanted to validate her. Now I try not to make judgments about my parents marriage because I am biased. Whether they should have stayed together or not, I wish I had grown up in an intact family.

 

Make sure support is available for the kids to help them adjust to the fact that their family is changing, not breaking or going away.

Okay, no disrespect or rudeness intended, but that is a lie.

Kids are literal and certainly not stupid. But sometimes adults are pretty dumb because we believe the stupid things we say.

Yes, their family is changing. It is also breaking and going away.

The statement would be true if the change were about a new baby or moving to a new home, but come on, in a divorce one person goes away and their parents BREAK up. That is a breaking and broken family. Just because Mom or Dad goes way does not mean they are gone, but they are still away more than they were and more than they need to be for the well-being of the children. And the statistics about the contact with fathers after divorce are shocking—regardless of intentions contact decreases with each passing year. Most say they will be different—lip service and lost intentions.

Parents try to reassure kids with the ‘we will always be a family’ line and kids are dumbstruck by their parent’s stupidity because they can see the literal fact of it—something that parents who may think more abstractly cannot see in their goal to get what it is they want. You want to fit your kids into a mold where they care about your happiness—and they do care. But they need their own happiness more than they need yours. And that comes through the stability of an intact family.