Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[William]

This valid topic was posted by someone who chose to persistently advertise in their signature so was banned but discussion of the topic may continue. Thanks.

 

Also, we have a consolidated thread on this topic which may be of interest to readers:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/288549-consolidated-discussion-older-younger-woman-man-age-gap-dating

Edited December 6, 2013 by William

[LivingDeadGrl]

Personally I like older men because most of them have their sh*t together and have already been through enough in life to have their priorities straight. You don't have to worry about them wanting kids (most of the time) and they often tend to your needs better. They don't sweat the small stuff and aren't into drama and head games.

Of course there are always exceptions to this as I have read from others experiences on here

[KathyM]

I can tell you why some of my young 20 something clients are attracted to older men: They have daddy issues. They never had a good relationship with their father, so they are looking to find someone to fill that role. A father figure, who has the experience of a middle aged man, who has the financial means of a middle aged man. Who has the stability of a middle aged man. Basically, a father figure. It allows them to have the role of the child: Being taken care of, not having to have responsibility for their own life, being told what to do and how to do it, not having to make decisions or take on adult responsibilities. The problem is, this father/child dynamic does not allow them to mature and grow up and take responsibility for their own life. It keeps them in the child role indefinitely, which is what they want. This was also the reason my niece, who was 24, took up with a middle aged man. She didn't want to take responsibility for her own life, and she wanted a father figure to take care of her, which she never had.

 

 

Of course, along with the older man comes the older man issues: they didn't want children, since they already raised a family. Some had sexual desire or sexual functioning issues that sometimes comes with age (lowered testosterone and ED). Lowered energy level. Some had health issues. They wanted to call all the shots, and in fact, treated these women like children.

[CarrieT]

When I was in my teens, I wanted guys in their 30s.

 

In my 20s, I wanted guys in their 40s.

 

In my 30s, I wanted guys in their 50s.

 

In each case, I was looking at the whole package and what they had to offer, but it was moreso because intellectually and emotionally, they had what interested me more than men who were my contemporary.

[RedRobin]

When I was in my teens, I wanted guys in their 30s.

 

In my 20s, I wanted guys in their 40s.

 

In my 30s, I wanted guys in their 50s.

 

In each case, I was looking at the whole package and what they had to offer, but it was moreso because intellectually and emotionally, they had what interested me more than men who were my contemporary.

 

You are now engaged to a same age guy though??

[Woggle]

Because some younger women think they are mature than they actually are and they want a man who is intellectual equal. Either that or daddy issues.

[WrinkledForehead]

My bf is the only person I've dated with such a large age gap between us. I've dated one person w/ an 11 year gap and one with an 8 year gap, but anyone else has always been around my same age. My kids' father was a year younger than me.

 

With my bf, far more appreciation is paid towards our personal attributes and compatibility than age. We have shared passions and outlooks on the world, equal libidos and sexual attentiveness, are overall a good match in terms of communication, and have a healthy amount of respect for one another.

 

The financial security from someone established in their career is a comfort, but is mutually exclusive from dependence. I support myself financially and am bettering my education to ensure a financially secure future. I know that if I'm struggling, he'll reach out and help me out. Plus being spoiled is nice

 

I suppose some women who solely date older men may have daddy issues (I have a great relationship with my father and mother) but its unfair to state this as a finality rather than a generalization.

[Mariposa10]

I once dated someone who was 10 years older than me, but I didn't know he was 10 years older than me... I found out on his birthday when I asked. I freaked out, because he looked maybe two years older than me...

 

I kept saying, "you're kidding, come one, tell me the truth." I regret freaking out, but I just couldn't believe it... And no, we didn't breakup because of that.

 

But to be honest, if I had known he was 10 yrs older than me, I probably wouldn't have dated him. But when I found out, it was kind of late...

[MrCastle]

I don't understand it. I guess I'll appreciate it when I'm old myself?

[RedRobin]

I guess some women are ok selling off their youth for some guy's benefit *shrug*

 

I just never thought the pro's outweighed the cons. Even if any of the above were true... I'm just against it on principle...

 

Why should that guy benefit from my youth or what remains of it? For what? A few bucks and conversation?

 

It's not like there is a shortage of interesting people in the world. I don't have to eff them all or make them my BF. Maybe I'd feel differently if I didn't have plenty of interesting friends of both genders... but I doubt it.

Edited December 6, 2013 by RedRobin

[Eggplant]

I think women are trading in quality in exchange for stability.

[Mrlonelyone]

I dated a much younger woman for a while. I would guess what attracted her to me was that I had been around the area of study we were both in for a while and knew the ropes. That inspite of being in this scientific area of study I kept my personality. Then there is the maturity that only comes with age.

 

 

That said, the one who mentioned head space is probably right. I am not old enough to be her father, but if the woman is less than 1/2 the man's age plus seven years there are going to be issues.

[gaius]

Why do younger women go for older men? Big mystery to me. I can only assume she hasn't much going for her, desperate, or has daddy issues. My time on LS has only solidified my viewpoint on this after learning more about most of the people who go in for this kind of thing.

 

As for me... I don't screw older men that I like... I make them my friends. I'm not attracted to my dad. Why would I date someone even close to my dad's age? I won't date a guy who has a history of dating much younger women either. Speaks to a dynamic that indicates he's likely got control issues or needs to be the 'dad' in a relationship. Since I'm looking for an equal, it doesn't work for me.

You would be surprised Red, I've dated a bunch of women who were older than me and they certainly weren't my mom in any way. The dynamic was pretty similar to those who I dated that were closer to my age or a little younger. Though I'm not going to sit here and say you're wrong about the dynamic and older guys motivations a lot of times.

 

One of my ex's thought a lot like you on the issue and was surprised and a little guilty to find herself enjoying being with a younger guy. You seem like an even better candidate for that since your sex drive is so high and you keep in great shape. If you could bring yourself to not feel guilty about it. -5 years might not be enough.

[Shashasha]

My ex is 39 years old and I am 22. I have always been attracted to guys mych older than me simply because they are more secure, they have their priorities and they teach you lots of things I do get weirded out thinking why I am not attracted to guys my age though. I find older men sexy.

[RedRobin]

I think women are trading in quality in exchange for stability.

 

... or what they perceive as stability at the time.

[thefooloftheyear]

I think women are trading in quality in exchange for stability.

 

Quality???

 

I can argue that all day long...

 

TFY

[nomadic_butterfly]

The idea of younger women dating older men is a timeless concept. But why? Why do younger women like dating older men, and why has this convention been practiced for so long? The age-old question has been pondered by anthropologists, sociologists, psychologists, behavioral scientists, talk show hosts, high school girls at slumber parties, and younger men walking home alone after closing time.

 

Is it an innate evolutionary tactic for the woman to find the strongest, most confident man who can financially support her and provide her (if she so chooses, thank you very much) with genetically superior children?

If so, older men come out on top every time. After all, what’s more attractive? Is it an eager, younger guy, fresh out of college, who’s selfish in bed and who has nothing but hope to cling to, or an older, wiser, outgoing, more mature man with a great job, who also happens to be experienced and selfless in bed?

 

 

Evolutionarily, it’s the perfect match. Younger women like men who can provide emotionally and financially. And, luckily for those women, older men are visual creatures.

 

Well said. I've always liked older; not necessarily old enough to be my dad although one guy I thought was like 10 yrs older lied and I busted him via his Skype profile and he was really 14yrs older.

 

I have always been very mature for my age so I've felt like I could hold better conversations and be at the same place emotionally as the older men. Now that I am in my mid-20s, guys my age are catching up to speed at this point. And yes I want a man that is professionally/mentally/emotionally/financially stable and more often than not it is an older guy who's already "found" himself. Not always though b/c the most immature person I've dated was 9yrs my senior. It's also very cultural too; Caribbean men are usually older than their woman so it's no biggie. Older men have always approached me a lot.

 

I used to like men 5-10yrs older but while I don't mind getting married sooner, I see myself starting a family in my 30s so I've recently started dating more around my age to avoid this pressure. I also don't want a "grandpa" father situation going with kids depending.

[RedRobin]

You would be surprised Red, I've dated a bunch of women who were older than me and they certainly weren't my mom in any way. The dynamic was pretty similar to those who I dated that were closer to my age or a little younger. Though I'm not going to sit here and say you're wrong about the dynamic and older guys motivations a lot of times.

 

One of my ex's thought a lot like you on the issue and was surprised and a little guilty to find herself enjoying being with a younger guy. You seem like an even better candidate for that since your sex drive is so high and you keep in great shape. If you could bring yourself to not feel guilty about it. -5 years might not be enough.

 

Well, I'd argue that the reverse (older woman, younger man) doesn't usually have that dynamic because they have a lot more social stigma to overcome. The compatibility has to be exceptional in that case.

 

I wouldn't feel guilty being with a younger guy. I've tried going out with a couple who were much younger than me. For all intents and purposes, the lines did blur a lot in terms of compatibility. What I couldn't get over were any declarations of not wanting kids and things like that... Having worked around all men, I knew very well that men have a different bio-clock. If they haven't had kids by 40 yet, they re-evaluate and often do a 100% turn around... and tra la la off they go with the young'in I've trained him up for. No thanks.

 

That, and I'm not here to help some young guy get his learn on sexually either.

 

For me, I believe the disconnect in being with a younger man (more than 5 years) is being ok with something short(er) term than I'd like... or really trusting that I'm not just a placeholder for him.

Edited December 7, 2013 by RedRobin

[nomadic_butterfly]

Why do younger women go for older men? Big mystery to me. I can only assume she hasn't much going for her, desperate, or has daddy issues. My time on LS has only solidified my viewpoint on this after learning more about most of the people who go in for this kind of thing.

 

As for me... I don't screw older men that I like... I make them my friends. I'm not attracted to my dad. Why would I date someone even close to my dad's age? I won't date a guy who has a history of dating much younger women either. Speaks to a dynamic that indicates he's likely got control issues or needs to be the 'dad' in a relationship. Since I'm looking for an equal, it doesn't work for me.

 

Wow. That is VERY judgmental. I think it really depends on how wide of an age gap. If the girl is 20 and the guy is like 45, ok, valid. But 5-12 yrs older? Can someone just genuinely find an older person sexier? Or vice versa? Or fall inlove with someone whom they have a ton in common with/compatible with and their happens to be a 5-12yr age gap?

[Woggle]

RedRobin why not just let people do what they want as long as it hurts nobody. If both people are okay with it what is it to you?

[RedRobin]

Wow. That is VERY judgmental. I think it really depends on how wide of an age gap. If the girl is 20 and the guy is like 45, ok, valid. But 5-12 yrs older? Can someone just genuinely find an older person sexier? Or vice versa? Or fall inlove with someone whom they have a ton in common with/compatible with and their happens to be a 5-12yr age gap?

 

My response was based on the OP and his premise. My response is also based on my personal observations.

 

I personally won't date a guy more than 5 years older no matter how fabulous he seems to be. I'm an idealist that way. He doesn't get my youth for his benefit... and I refuse to be even one more 'data point' that exhibits this dynamic to the rest of the world... which frankly has gone a long way towards some men believing they can just screw their way through life non-chalantly with no consequences.... that they can avoid commitment and just keep dipping into ever younger pools of women to get their 'love' fix.

 

Then when they are finally over the effing hill, maybe just maybe, they settle down with someone young enough to be their daughters... so they can suck HER dry.

 

Nope. Not adding to that.

 

If some women don't value their own youth and the life they have before them, then that's their choice, I guess. I don't understand it. What they will learn though... is after that guy has sucked what is left of her youth out of her... it's not like she will have unlimited options. She's now older... and much less likely to find a real peer to spend her life with. These are realities of life that a lot of younger women simply don't get or don't have explained to them. Their choices have bigger impact and there is more at stake for them... due to society.

 

Sure, if they have no other options... I guess that is better than nothing. THAT I understand.

Edited December 7, 2013 by RedRobin

[Blade96]

Daddy issues? Screw you

 

I have a pretty good relationship with my father, and still find older guys attractive.

 

at the moment I am 35 and my Russian crush is 15 years older.

[Woggle]

Daddy issues? Screw you

 

I have a pretty good relationship with my father, and still find older guys attractive.

 

at the moment I am 35 and my Russian crush is 15 years older.

 

Then the patriarchy has blamed you into selling your youth away to some pervert. I have no proof but they tell me so so it is true.

 

I am being sarcastic.

[Blade96]

Then the patriarchy has blamed you into selling your youth away to some pervert. I have no proof but they tell me so so it is true.

 

I am being sarcastic.

 

I like Sarcasm - it's really my second language, since I speak it better than Russian

[Elliotte]

I've dated women 5+ years younger than me who I had great compatibility with, who were mature, and generally on the same level personality wise. And I've dated women 5+ years older than me who were immature, bratty princesses. And vice versa. Age doesn't always equal more or less maturity.