Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[Babolat]

You cannot be serious.

 

Infidelity is EVERYWHERE. The last sexual health survey in Australia estimated that more than 70% of relationships had experienced some form of infidelity.

 

It doesn't discriminate. The only reason you think it's higher, is because of tabloids. We know everyone's dirty laundry. John Doe who is having it off with the neighbour down the street whilst maintaining his perfect family, you're never going to know his business!

 

And more to the point, the stats only relate to people who are actually honest. Stick 100 couples in a room and ask each of them have they cheated on their spouse, and the answer will be a resounding "No".

 

Christ, that statement takes the cake.

But, she does know, it's, her career, remember?

[Babolat]

Certainly not a group to consider as good examples of healthy or lasting relationships.

 

 

Who said this? Do you or RR even read what we say or just find the snippets that support your beliefs? We were poking fun at his body, that for a 27 year old man she could have at least, done better.

 

 

Let me guess, the divorce rate is even higher with an "older" man, and a "younger" woman, and YOU would know, right?

[KathyM]

Are you really this close-minded?

Just stating the facts.

[janedoe67]

I am not too concerned with older or younger, but I absolutely wouldn't want to be with anyone who is always right.

[KathyM]

Who said this? Do you or RR even read what we say or just find the snippets that support your beliefs? We were poking fun at his body, that for a 27 year old man she could have at least, done better.

 

 

Let me guess, the divorce rate is even higher with an "older" man, and a "younger" woman, and YOU would know, right?

I'm responding to TFOTY who was using a celebrity large age gap relationship as an example of people who have large age gaps. And celebrities certainly have a greater percentage of large age gap relationships than the general population. My point being that if he and other posters are going to use celebrities as some example of people who choose that "lifestyle", I'll also mention that celebrities are not a good example of positive, healthy, long-lasting relationships. They have a much higher rate of infidelity and a much higher rate of divorce than the general population.

 

 

I don't know the statistics offhand on divorce rates for large age gap relationships among the general population. I'd have to look it up. But I do know that such marriages have problems that similarly aged couples do not have because they are in different life stages.

[janedoe67]

I'd have to say I think the idea that celebrities have more infidelity and D is probably accurate.

 

As far as age difference, I think character, not age, is the deciding factor. My only hesitation to go too much older (or too much younger) would be the health disparity that would eventually happen. That is not because I wouldn't care for them in sickness and in health, but because it can be so difficult in a variety of ways. I know of a couple where he is 17 years older, and they have had a very loving marriage for over 30 years. However, he is now in very poor health, and it is very very hard for them both. He especially feels such guilt over "saddling her with an old man." I think that would be hard.

[KathyM]

I am not too concerned with older or younger, but I absolutely wouldn't want to be with anyone who is always right.

Your dig against me for just stating the facts and the statistics is really not very nice of you, but of course, we both know you are not who you present yourself to be on here, now don't we?

[ThaWholigan]

If I may play devil's advocate here - what's the big f*cking deal?

 

I'm not the guy to support the whole "older men, younger women" deal - in fact I've expressed slight curiosity against it - but are we seriously lumping all such men who may date younger women in the same bracket? What of the younger women who actively want to date older men - of whom I, as a young-ish man - keep on encountering to my chagrin?

 

It's not as black-and-white as we make it out to be. And as far as older woman, younger man, my mother's current SO is probably at least a decade her junior. They seem to be going well!

[janedoe67]

Your dig against me for just stating the facts and the statistics is really not very nice of you, but of course, we both know you are not who you present yourself to be on here, now don't we?

 

It was a dig and it wasn't nice. I apologize for that, especially since I think your stats are probably accurate.

 

As for the rest, I have no idea what you are talking about.

[Under The Radar]

Your dig against me for just stating the facts and the statistics is really not very nice of you, but of course, we both know you are not who you present yourself to be on here, now don't we?

 

 

 

What does this even mean? Not sure why you feel slighted :/

 

 

 

 

Kathy, as a professional therapist, and a proud Christian, is responding to anyone's "dig" with a "dig" of your own really worth it?

 

 

 

 

Jane didn't personally attack you.

[janedoe67]

What does this even mean? Not sure why you feel slighted :/

 

 

 

 

Kathy, as a professional therapist, and a proud Christian, is responding to anyone's "dig" with a "dig" of your own really worth it?

 

 

 

 

Jane didn't personally attack you.

 

I WAS snarky with the always right statement. I own that.

 

It was out of line.

 

Regarding older and younger, my h was a few years older than me, and the only thing it really affected was the fact that I wanted more than 3 kids and he thought he was getting too old. But I am thankful for the kids I have, he is a great dad to them, and both of us would do whatever we had to do no matter how drastic to protect them from pain. So I wouldn't have called him too old at all.

[RedRobin]

God how Iove you RR! Really, I do.

 

 

So we are all on the same page, when is someone older and when is someone younger related to dating?

 

 

My sister is 2 years older than me, my other sister is 8 years older than me. I have always said "they are older than me".

 

 

When I was 25 I dated a woman who was 32...was that, too old?

 

So now you are in your 40s, you are hard pressed to date a woman even a year older. What changed?

 

I wonder if Mr 3 dates would like to read this...no, he's not the jealous type, he's probably already shopping for a ring, anyway.

 

We haven't even kissed yet. (Me and 3 date guy)

 

I can make PB&J sandwiches for anyone at this stage. It's not like I am asking UTR to trade sex for it.

 

Going out on a limb here - RR, your ex-husband, the one that cheated on you, was it with a woman that was younger than him? Quite a bit younger?

 

Nope. Same age. Maybe a year older. I don't even remember. I am not jealous like that.... Never felt threatened by her. Cheating is a character issue... Not related to who the OM or OW is or looks like. Is my opinion....

 

Heck... I bought a subscription of playboy as a birthday gift for one of my bf's back in the day. Me and the ex used to watch porn together. Never bothered me. Still doesn't.

[RedRobin]

I think that in some people's desire to be PC and inclusive, they are overly defending age gap relationships.

 

I am fine acknowledging that exceptions exist... But let's acknowledge reality. The vast majority are effed up... Most parents would not want their children to seriously engage in one.

 

It just so happens that the vast majority are amongst older men/ younger women... And in most cultures... Women don't get a lot of say and certainly don't have equal choices when it comes to whom to partner with.

 

These older men don't enjoy being called out as inappropriate or pervs, but too bad. I don't happen to believe that these women would choose these men if society didn't condone it or they had people around them willing to provide real counsel on the drawbacks or the real reason these men find them so attractive (other than looks).

[kaylan]

OP...you dont need older men. NY is but a mere 12 time zones away

[PinkInTheLimo]

I can't love like that. When I'm in, I'm in. Of course, when it blows up in my pretty little face I am devastated, but I'm still here. Surprisingly bitter-free. A little sad today though.

 

But I keep going...

 

If you just met someone how on earth can you speak about love. When I'm in, I am also in. But now I wait before I get in, until I have some idea of what I am getting into.

 

When I was younger I was more impulsive and fell in love more easily. Fell a couple of times flat on my face. I don't want that to happen anymore.

 

I find it a major turn-off when guys are too much in a hurry and many on dating sites are. They want instant chemistry and dismiss you 5 minutes into a date because you did not blow them off their socks at first glance. Instead of taking the time to look who the person in front of them really is.

 

I still hope to find someone to share my life with till the end of our life. I am not going to decide on this after 3 dates.

[thefooloftheyear]

Are you really this naive? The divorce rate for celebrities is much higher than the general population. It's 50% for the general population. It's 70% to 78% for celebrities. The infidelity rate is higher for celebrities as well. Certainly not a group to consider as good examples of healthy or lasting relationships.

 

No one cares that the 46 year old waitress from Topeka is getting it with a 28 year old guy..Thats why you dont hear about it..

 

And celebrities move more in and out of relationships/marriages because like entertainers, ballplayers, etc they are very rich. Money isnt an issue...Many horrendeous marriages have partners that begrudgingly stick it out because they dont have the money to do what they want to do and dont want to stick their kids in a shythole situation by doing so...

 

 

My moms best friend was married to a reknown neurosurgeon..Guy made millions..She was his 5th marriage...When he grew tired of her he gave her the multimillion dollar home, handed her a pile of money-(there was a pre-nup) and left without a trace...Let his lawyers handle everything..Is everyone with money like this? Of course not...But a lot of money eliminates the whole "sticking it out for the kids" and "cant afford to live apart" stories you always hear about.

 

 

 

Ask yourself this question...The divorce rate is at somewhere north of 50 %..of the remaining 40 something percent how many are in true marital bliss? And how many would divorce in a heartbeat if they were handed a pile of money?

 

There's your 70-80%....

 

TFY

Edited April 18, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[oz-missy]

And age is not a discriminatory factor in how much of an arsehole a man is. If he's 20, 40, or 80, if he's a jerk who takes advantage of women, it's not because of how old he is, it's because he's a jerk all on his own.

 

Amen sista!

 

Totally agree. A f*ckwit is a f*ckwit - no matter the age.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I didn't say that. I said that I just take people at face value. If they're overly effusive, that's fine, it doesn't mean that I have to move to their timeline. But I can't date with suspicion. It's just not in my DNA. I just let it move at its own pace, and if I get heartbroken, meh. It heals.

 

Well, every contact has its own pace, and that pace is made by the pace of both parties. If their pace is too different nothing is going to happen. I will not let myself be imposed a guy's timeline because my slow pace does not provide the egostroking he desperately needs or because he thinks that taking things slowly might mean that he invests time and energy in something that might not lead to being intimate.

I am charming and interesting company, that should be enough for the first dates.

 

Too many guys have a "what's in it for me" attitude when it comes to dating. Huge turn-off.

[PinkInTheLimo]

If he's 20, 40, or 80, if he's a jerk who takes advantage of women, it's not because of how old he is, it's because he's a jerk all on his own.

 

I disagree with that. Elsewhere you can read my story with my last partner. Some people lie to such an extent that you have no way of protecting yourself against being taken advantage of. They are way too good liars and manipulators and if you are not that yourself, you have no way of defending yourself.

And of course, there are also women who lie and manipulate. No gender has the monopoly on that.

[thefooloftheyear]

What hasn't been mentioned in this thread is that maybe the "bad guy" here isn't the older guy...

 

Perhaps middle aged women(if they dont like the idea of having to compete with younger women) need to point the sharp end of that stick to the younger guys..

 

I know quite a bit of the makeup of the average 22-30 year old guy...I have been employing them for almost 3 decades now...At the current time, these guys are the absolute most immature and non committment minded than they have ever been...

 

I had already owned two homes and was running my own company when I was 24..Got married at that time and by 30 had a net worth that any 60 year old would be proud of..How often do you think that happens today? Almost never..These younger guys just seem to want to float around, enjoy their hobbies and their lives, but dont see marriage, "settling down" or committment as a viable option for them...Its their right, I suppose...No one needs to dictate to anyone how they want to run their life..

 

However...

 

Young women seem to be as inclined as ever to want to settle down and have the house, dog and picket fence...Especially true if they are successful themselves...Now, if you are in that demographic, and you are having a tough time finding a man(instead of a boy), then the only option might be to move up....The younger guys dont care...Theyll find someone to play with..But the older women are now left to fight for the desirable/attractive/successful older men, with the younger women....And they dont like that one bit....

 

TFY

[Els]

What hasn't been mentioned in this thread is that maybe the "bad guy" here isn't the older guy...

 

Not to mention that the young woman isn't always the 'prey'. Some of the young women who are dating very much older men bluntly say that they are attracted to their riches. IMO no one is being 'preyed' upon as long as there is full informed consent, even if we may not agree with their reasons.

[Babolat]

I'd have to say I think the idea that celebrities have more infidelity and D is probably accurate.

 

As far as age difference, I think character, not age, is the deciding factor. My only hesitation to go too much older (or too much younger) would be the health disparity that would eventually happen. That is not because I wouldn't care for them in sickness and in health, but because it can be so difficult in a variety of ways. I know of a couple where he is 17 years older, and they have had a very loving marriage for over 30 years. However, he is now in very poor health, and it is very very hard for them both. He especially feels such guilt over "saddling her with an old man." I think that would be hard.

 

I agree with this, but, bad health can happen to anyone, at anytime. Right? I don't think we can say it's because of the age difference. I do agree the odds are higher that an older partner will begin to have health issues sooner than a younger partner, simply because, well, they are aging. But there are plenty of aging folks who are 10X times healther than younger folks.

 

I have a good friend who is 56, and WAS the picture of health. His live in gf, now fiance, is 25 years younger than him. They have an amazing relationship, alwasy have. He was recently diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer and is going through treatment. It has nothing to do with his age though. She is standing by his side 100% and I admire that.

[RedRobin]

OP...you dont need older men. NY is but a mere 12 time zones away

 

Seattle is a much better choice. NY sucks. Trust me on that one, lol

[Babolat]

So now you are in your 40s, you are hard pressed to date a woman even a year older. What changed?

 

 

 

We haven't even kissed yet. (Me and 3 date guy)

 

I can make PB&J sandwiches for anyone at this stage. It's not like I am asking UTR to trade sex for it.

 

 

 

Nope. Same age. Maybe a year older. I don't even remember. I am not jealous like that.... Never felt threatened by her. Cheating is a character issue... Not related to who the OM or OW is or looks like. Is my opinion....

 

Heck... I bought a subscription of playboy as a birthday gift for one of my bf's back in the day. Me and the ex used to watch porn together. Never bothered me. Still doesn't.

 

 

Do you ever answer questions, or just find a way to poke back to prove your points?

 

I have no idea what changed other than I met her and really like her. It wasn''t like I had a plan or anything. Same for the 29 year old. No plan, it wasn't thought out, it just happened and I allowed it to. To date, prior to the 49 year old, the older woman who hit on me in person or on OLD, I had zero attraction to. I am attracted to this woman, physically and at all levels so far. She is "as young as I am" in spirit, and I like that.

 

I'd like to think the change is me evolving, growing, learning from past relationships. I don't study and analyze it, I just let it happen sometimes.

 

You said you were dating, not me. You said in an earlier post to me it's too soon, even after 3-4 dates (in reference to me seeing this 49 year old woman). Your words, not mine.

 

What's porn and playbody got to do with age differences?

 

Again, define for all of us, what is "the acceptable" range such and when is older, not older and younger, not younger?

[Babolat]

I think that in some people's desire to be PC and inclusive, they are overly defending age gap relationships.

 

I am fine acknowledging that exceptions exist... But let's acknowledge reality. The vast majority are effed up... Most parents would not want their children to seriously engage in one.

 

It just so happens that the vast majority are amongst older men/ younger women... And in most cultures... Women don't get a lot of say and certainly don't have equal choices when it comes to whom to partner with.

 

These older men don't enjoy being called out as inappropriate or pervs, but too bad. I don't happen to believe that these women would choose these men if society didn't condone it or they had people around them willing to provide real counsel on the drawbacks or the real reason these men find them so attractive (other than looks).

 

Can you and KathyM share your source of all of this "data" you have to make the claims you do?

 

"It just so happens that the vast majority are amongst older men/ younger women... And in most cultures... Women don't get a lot of say and certainly don't have equal choices when it comes to whom to partner with."

 

I can state for a fact, most of the 40 something woman I know are trying to chase late 20 something or 30 something men, because "they can keep up with them and men their age, cannot". And it's not just about sex, it's about an active/social lifestyle. That is the message I hear, when I ask. That, is my data, and a lot of 40 something woman are doing this where I live. These woman bike, run, hike, workout, do yoga, go to concerts, etc and they want a partner who will do the same. I here, all the time, "Men our age just don't do that, and the ones that do, are scooped up already".

 

I heard this exact same message when I was last on OLD. These women were/are attracted to me, becasue I can keep up. I constantly hear "You are not the average 47 year old man".

 

And, I do well in my age range, never had a problem at all. I am seen "as a catch". So the 2, yes only 2, younger woman I was involved with, I did not persus them, seek them, hustle them, trick them at all. Both, yes both, expressed their intertest in me, first and yes, kind of sort of persued me. Nor did I need them because I could not find someone my own age, whatever "own age" means as you will not answer the question. I', starting to think it changes for you from man to man, post to post.