Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[carhill]

I'm not hugely interested in the topic, but I am interested in math, and I feel compelled to point out here that you've really skewed your numbers by setting the older limit at 42 (+3) and the younger at 24 (-15). Just saying.

 

Try setting your upper limit at +15 = 54 and then report back.

 

Although it's also true that the vast majority of people on Tinder will be under 40 anyway. So there's that too. If we're going to drag statistics in here.

For some, 39/2 + 7 works, so 19.5+7 = 26.5. 26.5>24 so too young!

 

Let me see how it worked for my uncle: 26/2 + 7 = 20. Nope, aunt was 16 when they met, 18 when they married. Too young too! 54 years wasted! I hope they didn't realize it!

[RedRobin]

Everybody knows that Tinder is for hookups.

 

 

Most 39 year old men can still perform.

 

 

10 years later... A 49 year old guy? You are starting to get into the grey zone. If he is willing to pay for dates and spring for other fun stuff, sure... I could see the average bored 20 something woman giving him a spin... It's not like she has to wake up next to him every day.

 

 

For the same reasons that 20 something men give older women a spin too. Nothing new here.

 

 

... all this anecdotal evidence of fabulous age gap relationships by your parents... well, that was before those women could reasonably provide for themselves... as in, buy her own home, make enough for retirement, etc. It was marry the first comer, or take some major risks for her future. Even as recently as 30 or 40 years ago...

 

 

I still don't see any reason THESE DAYS why a high functioning, attractive woman like ES should settle for an older guy. Seems retarded to me.

 

 

For all the same reasons why lots of guys won't date older than them.

 

 

If we are being perfectly pragmatic and objective, then ES should take notes from the guys.

 

 

Continue on shamelessly with the same age or younger guys and let the older ones go pound sand. *shrug*

 

 

Do that long enough, and you have a new trend...

[RonaldS]

I'm not hugely interested in the topic, but I am interested in math, and I feel compelled to point out here that you've really skewed your numbers by setting the older limit at 42 (+3) and the younger at 24 (-15). Just saying.

 

Try setting your upper limit at +15 = 54 and then report back.

 

Although it's also true that the vast majority of people on Tinder will be under 40 anyway. So there's that too. If we're going to drag statistics in here.

 

It's true that the percentages would work out differently overall if I increased my age range. So, let's remove the totals as percentages and just look at the raw numbers:

 

Between 28-33, there were 276 matches (so, between 6-11 years younger). Now, let's compare that to the 34-42 age group, where there were 159 matches (within OKC's stated range of preference). In looking at those two groups, we see more people between 6-11 years younger wanting to have something to do with me than those between 5 years younger to 2 years older.

 

Now, if this were going to be true statistical analysis, I would have to have kept track of how many in each group I 'liked' (obviously, if I'm not 'liking' as many older women than younger then I won't match with as many). Anecdotally, I can say that I probably 'liked' close to the same number in each age group, or at least close enough to make the difference statistically insignificant. And then we would do some Chi-square to figure out the probability of a younger woman vs an older woman liking me too.

 

Ok, so that wasn't done, so it's not a full statistical analysis.

 

However, those value do accomplish one thing for the purposes of our discussion. They serve to offer evidence that often times, younger women do like older men. Granted, small sample of just one person's results. I get that. But the thesis among those arguing that the only time younger woman/older man occurs is when an old guy is somehow manipulating some screwed up, issue-laden naive young girl.

 

Well, IRL as well as on Tinder, I get the most attention from women who are a)between 28-33, b) professional/college educated and c) attractive and 'normal'. And what I have found in my experiences with younger women, even 10-15 years younger than me, is that when we go out and hang out and spend time together, that age difference doesn't seem to matter.

 

And the only factor prohibiting me from having a relationship with these women is that I just don't want to be in a relationship. Otherwise, the women seem to be all for it.

[serial muse]

For some, 39/2 + 7 works, so 19.5+7 = 26.5. 26.5>24 so too young!

 

Let me see how it worked for my uncle: 26/2 + 7 = 20. Nope, aunt was 16 when they met, 18 when they married. Too young too! 54 years wasted! I hope they didn't realize it!

 

Huh? That's not what I meant - like I said, I'm not particularly fussed about older men/older women, etc. My H is 9 years older than me and we're fine. So that whole thing is irrelevant, to me.

 

I was specifically responding to his statement about statistics, in which he suggested his ideal age range for a partner, based on Tinder matches alone, is in the low 30s or whatever. It's worth pointing out that 1) he didn't offer much of a chance for anyone older to match with him, since he specifically only admitted women 3 or fewer years older than he is but admitted much younger women to his data collection; and 2) Tinder skews younger anyway, so the pool of people is likely to be younger already.

 

I'm fine with people dating who they want to date, but fuzzy math bugs me.

[serial muse]

Ok, so that wasn't done, so it's not a full statistical analysis.

 

And there's still my second point, about not having as many older women on Tinder anyway.

 

However, those value do accomplish one thing for the purposes of our discussion. They serve to offer evidence that often times, younger women do like older men. Granted, small sample of just one person's results. I get that. But the thesis among those arguing that the only time younger woman/older man occurs is when an old guy is somehow manipulating some screwed up, issue-laden naive young girl.

 

As I said, I'm not really disagreeing with this and I think that thesis is ridiculously reductive. I will say that, based on my own sample of one person's results, when I was doing OLD I got many, many responses from much older men despite the fact that I specifically made it clear in my requested age range that I wasn't interested (I'm talking 15-to-even-30 years older). Not that they cared. It was certainly annoying. So sure, there are older men who do prey on younger women, hoping to recapture their youth, seeing older women of the same age as used-up and bitter and baggage-laden but themselves as in their prime and so on and so on. It's especially amusing because that cut-off for bitter-and-baggage-laden seems to be a moving target based on some calculus related to the man's own age. It's infuriating and I can, on some level, understand RR's anger about it. I experienced my own too, after many months of that bullshxt. There are indeed lots of these guys.

 

But of course, there are many, many awesome older men who aren't like that at all and are just trying to find a match. It takes all kinds to make a world. And my own H, as I mentioned above to carhill, is 9 years older than I am, and we seem to be doing OK.

 

Of course, I am one of those used-up, over 40 women, so I suppose my data don't matter.

 

 

kidding not kidding

Edited April 22, 2014 by serial muse

[Babolat]

And there's still my second point, about not having as many older women on Tinder anyway.

 

 

 

As I said, I'm not really disagreeing with this and I think that thesis is ridiculously reductive. I will say that, based on my own sample of one person's results, when I was doing OLD I got many, many responses from much older men despite the fact that I specifically made it clear in my requested age range that I wasn't interested (I'm talking 15-to-even-30 years older). Not that they cared. It was certainly annoying. So sure, there are older men who do prey on younger women, hoping to recapture their youth, seeing older women of the same age as used-up and bitter and baggage-laden but themselves as in their prime and so on and so on. It's especially amusing because that cut-off for bitter-and-baggage-laden seems to be a moving target based on some calculus related to the man's own age. It's infuriating and I can, on some level, understand RR's anger about it. I experienced my own too, after many months of that bullshxt. There are indeed lots of these guys.

 

But of course, there are many, many awesome older men who aren't like that at all and are just trying to find a match. It takes all kinds to make a world. And my own H, as I mentioned above to carhill, is 9 years older than I am, and we seem to be doing OK.

 

Of course, I am one of those used-up, over 40 women, so I suppose my data don't matter.

 

 

kidding not kidding

You are making the same points I am, data in is as good as data out. The poster has said there not as many older woman on Tinder; so his study, his data, well, is not good data. Of course if there are more younger woman the counts will be higher.

 

If there are 2000 woman on Tinder between the age of 24 and 30 (lets say in his area, not sure how Tinder dfines location), and 500 between the age of 30 and 36, guess what, it's not the best sampling of data. It's skewed from the beginning.

 

That's why everytime I hear "A recent survey said that..." my statistics and economics mind jumps in and says "what was the data pool like?". If I interviewed 50 pot smokers and asked them what they thought about the new law in Colorodo I'm sure I'd get 50 thumbs ups. If I added 25 non-pot smokers to my data pool, I may get 12 more thumbs up and my percentage of thumbs up goes down.

 

External, just date, have fun, find the one that works for you and marry him!

[Babolat]

As I said, I'm not really disagreeing with this and I think that thesis is ridiculously reductive. I will say that, based on my own sample of one person's results, when I was doing OLD I got many, many responses from much older men despite the fact that I specifically made it clear in my requested age range that I wasn't interested (I'm talking 15-to-even-30 years older). Not that they cared. It was certainly annoying.

I got the same from woman above and beyond my upper age limit. And they always started their message with "I am older than your upper limit, but...."

 

I only had one not start her message that way. We've been dating for almost 4 weeks now!

 

I had one girl talk to me for 2 weeks on OLD once. I finally asked if she wanted to meet and she said I was too old. Really? Than why did you talk to me for 2 weeks, like a lot of talk, and I fell within her age range too.

[serial muse]

I got the same from woman above and beyond my upper age limit. And they always started their message with "I am older than your upper limit, but...."

 

I only had one not start her message that way. We've been dating for almost 4 weeks now!

 

I had one girl talk to me for 2 weeks on OLD once. I finally asked if she wanted to meet and she said I was too old. Really? Than why did you talk to me for 2 weeks, like a lot of talk, and I fell within her age range too.

 

Full disclosure: my H was outside of my age limit, and obviously, I dated him anyway. But I'll admit, 9 years older strikes me differently than 15+. And the truth is, you can tell when someone's interested because of your age and relative youth vs. just interested in who you are.

[RedRobin]

I got the same from woman above and beyond my upper age limit. And they always started their message with "I am older than your upper limit, but...."

 

I only had one not start her message that way. We've been dating for almost 4 weeks now!

 

I had one girl talk to me for 2 weeks on OLD once. I finally asked if she wanted to meet and she said I was too old. Really? Than why did you talk to me for 2 weeks, like a lot of talk, and I fell within her age range too.

 

 

Let's not kid anyone... she is 2 years older than you. Your age limit was set at zero years older than you.

 

 

Please don't compare your situation to guys old enough to be our dads trying to spark something, lol.

[carhill]

Huh? That's not what I meant - like I said, I'm not particularly fussed about older men/older women, etc. My H is 9 years older than me and we're fine. So that whole thing is irrelevant, to me.

 

 

I'm fine with people dating who they want to date, but fuzzy math bugs me.

 

Yup, me too. That's why I was making sarcastic fun of applying math to romantic and sexual relationships and probabilities. As you so eloquently stated, you're fine with people dating who they wish to date and are not particularly fussed about age differences. I agree with that. The last woman who imparted a buzz into my nether regions was 72. I was too young!

[serial muse]

Let's not kid anyone... she is 2 years older than you. Your age limit was set at zero years older than you.

 

 

Please don't compare your situation to guys old enough to be our dads trying to spark something, lol.

 

Ah. I wondered. Yes, I don't consider 2 years older to be older at all, frankly. Not unless you're 16 and 18.

Edited to add: The main issue I've had with H's age is that I'm Gen X and he's just at the tail end of the baby boom. Our cultural references aren't entirely aligned. He doesn't understand cartoons and has a hippie streak in him that I can't help but view ironically. Otherwise, we're good.

Edited April 22, 2014 by serial muse

[RedRobin]

Ah. I wondered. Yes, I don't consider 2 years older to be older at all, frankly. Not unless you're 16 and 18.

 

 

Me either. I consider that same age, really. Especially when he is 47 and she is 49. Cripes.

[serial muse]

Yup, me too. That's why I was making sarcastic fun of applying math to romantic and sexual relationships and probabilities. As you so eloquently stated, you're fine with people dating who they wish to date and are not particularly fussed about age differences. I agree with that. The last woman who imparted a buzz into my nether regions was 72. I was too young!

 

Ah, gotcha. She must've been one hot tamale!

[RonaldS]

And there's still my second point, about not having as many older women on Tinder anyway.

 

 

 

As I said, I'm not really disagreeing with this and I think that thesis is ridiculously reductive. I will say that, based on my own sample of one person's results, when I was doing OLD I got many, many responses from much older men despite the fact that I specifically made it clear in my requested age range that I wasn't interested (I'm talking 15-to-even-30 years older). Not that they cared. It was certainly annoying. So sure, there are older men who do prey on younger women, hoping to recapture their youth, seeing older women of the same age as used-up and bitter and baggage-laden but themselves as in their prime and so on and so on. It's especially amusing because that cut-off for bitter-and-baggage-laden seems to be a moving target based on some calculus related to the man's own age. It's infuriating and I can, on some level, understand RR's anger about it. I experienced my own too, after many months of that bullshxt. There are indeed lots of these guys.

 

But of course, there are many, many awesome older men who aren't like that at all and are just trying to find a match. It takes all kinds to make a world. And my own H, as I mentioned above to carhill, is 9 years older than I am, and we seem to be doing OK.

 

Of course, I am one of those used-up, over 40 women, so I suppose my data don't matter.

 

 

kidding not kidding

 

Couple of points:

 

There are tons of older women on Tinder now, especially in the city.

 

Also, my real-life experiences mirror the Tinder thing, but I used Tinder because it was an easy set of numbers staring me right in the face.

 

Now, for some reason, I seem to attract younger women (IRL) more than older women. I'm not sure exactly why that is. I think part of it is that I look younger and present myself as younger, so a 45 year old woman might see me as being, and assume I'm, 15 years younger and just automatically write me off.

 

I've had a few of the late 30s-early 40s women I've dated infer that I made them feel a little insecure (e.g. 'Being around you, I feel like I need to spend more time at the gym'), so there's always that kind of thing.

 

My hang-up with dating women my age?

 

To illustrate, I just think about my XW. She was truly one of the most beautiful women I have ever known, and she used to have a radiance about her. I look at her now, and she is still one of the most beautiful women I know. But that radiance is long gone. She smiles, but just with her mouth. Her eyes just look defeated. It's not exhaustion, it's not from raising kids....it's a loss of her exuberance for life. She's not the same person anymore. She seems sort of dead to me.

 

I know a lot of older women like that. Hell, I know a lot of older men like that, too. But it's not an age thing. It's really a function of what you let life....the responsibilities and the struggles and the pain....do to your soul. I've worked to not let those things slowly kill me off. I've stayed excited about living. I've kept pep in my step. If I'm going to spend time with somebody, I prefer that person sort of be of the same inclination. In my experience, younger women have more of that 'life'. I've known a couple of older women who do as well, and I've liked them too.

 

It's certainly not about me trying to recapture any part of my younger years. I'm just that way....youngish. And I have sh*t, just like anybody else, but I don't make other people deal with it. My experiences with older women are that dates are more like psychotherapy sessions. Not fun.

[carhill]

Ah, gotcha. She must've been one hot tamale!

The experience underscores what the OP can view as the diversity of older men. Sure, some seek to re-live their youth, or the youth they wish they'd had, in the arms of a younger woman and physicality is high on their list. Others have gone through relationship/marital upheavals and family disruptions and carry those emotional memories. Etc, etc. Each man is different intrinsically and through his life experiences.

 

In the case of the 'older lady', she was someone I had known casually for a long time, a close friend of my best friend's sister and we happened to have a conversation one day after she had lost one of her younger (adult) children and was facing some issues of her own, as many older people do. That situational 'intimacy', which is natural for me, caused me to view her in a different light, a more sexual light, perfectly in line with my style of interacting. Saying goodbye and giving her a firm and affectionate hug reminded me that I'm still a man who finds women attractive. I doubt she was the wiser but it goes to show that men and women, even we old farts, can relate at any age.

 

IMO, the OP has a lot going for her and letting things flow might go a long ways to resolving her issues with men in general. Sometimes keen analysis must be set aside for enjoying the moment, even if fleeting. Such moments as I related regarding the lady above are the gifts we get from living. Wonderful gifts. Up to her.

[RonaldS]

You are making the same points I am, data in is as good as data out. The poster has said there not as many older woman on Tinder; so his study, his data, well, is not good data. Of course if there are more younger woman the counts will be higher.

 

If there are 2000 woman on Tinder between the age of 24 and 30 (lets say in his area, not sure how Tinder dfines location), and 500 between the age of 30 and 36, guess what, it's not the best sampling of data. It's skewed from the beginning.

 

Actually, the relative total numbers of each age group are irrelevant.

 

Tinder works by matching 2 people who both 'like' each other. Using your numbers of 2000 women between 28-33 and 500 between 34-42....the totals for each group don't matter. The number that matters is how many of each age group I 'like'. So, if I 'like' 400 28-33 year olds, and 'like' 375 34-42 year olds, that difference in total #s is not large enough to be statistically significant. Tinder doesn't match based on total number of people in a geographical area. It matches based on 'mutual likes' in a geographical area. OKC shows you your matches based on everybody within a radius of x miles/km. Tinder will show you all available women in that same area, but a match only occurs when you 'like' somebody and they also 'like' you. The only number that matters, then, is how many people you pick and subsequently, how many of those that you picked also pick you.

 

As I said, I don't know how many in each age group I have 'liked', but the numbers are probably pretty close for each.

[PinkInTheLimo]

For me the bottomline of this whole discussion is that some people seem to fall in love with an age rather than with a person...

[xxoo]

For me the bottomline of this whole discussion is that some people seem to fall in love with an age rather than with a person...

 

I agree that some are infatuated with the age first, or attracted to it, but in some cases can fall in love with the person after.

 

And in other cases, believe it or not, even the older partner considers the age gap a disadvantage, but accepts it because everything else is so good.

[Babolat]

Your age limit was set at zero years older than you.

 

 

Please don't compare your situation to guys old enough to be our dads trying to spark something, lol.

You know what my OKCupid age limit was an how many messages I received from woman above that limit? You are, good!

 

I'm not comparing my situation to anything at all; was simply commenting on the posters OLD comment.

[Babolat]

Me either. I consider that same age, really. Especially when he is 47 and she is 49. Cripes.

I will fully admit prior to meeting her I did have a hang up with potentially dating an older woman; what my perception of older was, not everyone on this thread. In fact I had increased my max age on OKCupid to one year older than me just prior to meeting her. I'm not interested in all the replies that want to tell me it's not older; for me, it was/is, period.

 

I'm glad I met her though. I have yet to see her as "older" period, more "my age" and so far so good. She has as much life in her, maybe more, than any other younger woman I have met.

[RonaldS]

In tying my above post to the topic of the thread....

 

Everything is relative.

 

Given that a vast majority of the females that I'm surrounded by every day are between 14-18 years of age, to me, a 27 or 28 year old woman actually seems pretty old.

[sillyanswer]

I have never dated a man more than a year older than me. Let's say I go for someone that's 10 years older (i.e. in his 40s). Is there a difference in how they act compared to men in their late 20s/early 30s? Are they less likely to commit? I also worry that I may be too immature for them

 

You're asking about generalities of a very large group of men but you'll only be dating one at a time from that group (if you choose to do so). Even if you date lots of men from that age group I think you'll still see more effects of personal individuality than generalisations for the age group.

 

Or to say it more simply, everyone is different.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Anyway, I might be a lot of things, but I'm not cold. That's not my personality type. I'm a giver. Im warm. I'm compassionate, empathic and sympathetic. You might not think so based on a couple of posts, but I'm a teacher, so it's sort of part of the job description. But also, as a teacher, I have people trying to BS me all day every day, so I have a tendency to call it out when it's thrown at me.

 

Well your almost mathematical approach of how many women in a certain age bracket are a match for you certainly does not convey a lot of warmth. I am also only calling out what is thrown at me.

You don't sound like a guy I would recommend to any girlfriend of mine. I would wish them someone kind.

[xxoo]

In tying my above post to the topic of the thread....

 

Everything is relative.

 

Given that a vast majority of the females that I'm surrounded by every day are between 14-18 years of age, to me, a 27 or 28 year old woman actually seems pretty old.

 

14-18 year olds are girls, and not women.

 

A 21 year old is "old" compared to a toddler, but how is this relevant to dating?

[hotpotato]

Let's not kid anyone... she is 2 years older than you. Your age limit was set at zero years older than you.

 

 

Please don't compare your situation to guys old enough to be our dads trying to spark something, lol.

 

Dad? Lol! Ive had men old enough to be my grandfather message me on OLD.