Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[gaius]

Statistics show that 7% of marriages are between people with large age gaps. I consider that statistic to be valid.

 

My husband is neither of those things you stated above. He is a great guy, and I've been married to him since I was 19 years old. My two boyfriends previous to him were great guys too, as well as the guys I dated but did not enter into a relationship with. As soon as the boyfriend I was in a relationship with just before my husband exhibited douchey behavior, I dumped him. It sounds like Redrobin is quick to dump guys as soon as they exhibit jerky/douchey behavior as well. So I don't know what point you are trying to make. Jerky/douchey guys pursue all kinds of women. The smart women with high self esteem will dump them as soon as these guys show themselves to be a jerk/douche/cheater.

I remember in another thread where people were discussing what made them want to marry their partners and you said something along the lines of "because he was a great cook". Now I'm not denying that being a great cook is a desirable trait but that's really the sum total of what you can come up with for why you wanted to marry him?

 

I've only run across a couple of women I could see myself marrying and there was always this weird thing I didn't really understand that drew me to them. That interacting with them somehow satisfied a need I didn't even know I had. Could never imagine just choosing one woman over another because she was a better cook.

 

But that's what a good portion of the 93% statistic you keep mentioning do. They decide the person they should parade in front of their friends and family at a wedding ceremony will just be the top of the heap of the socially acceptable options. Not really who they're most attracted to at the end of the day. Not the one who stirs their emotions inside. So using marriage statistics as proof that somehow similar age relationships are what should be is quite disingenuous.

 

I'm not saying everyone needs to be with someone completely outside their realm to be happy but I always feel a little tinge of discomfort when the most passion someone can summon up about their relationship is a good recipe for pulled pork. I feel like they've missed out on a huge part of the greatness that life has to offer.

[William]

I'm starting to think about talking to the mods about possibly separating this thread into two. One for people's theoretical thoughts, feelings and opinions about age gap matters. And a second more practical one, for people living their lives daily withing a permanent age gap relationship and the actual good, bad, and funny parts of it.

Members are free to start threads about their dating experiences and/or relationship experiences and/or issues with age-gap dating. The imperative is that the focus of the thread be on their personal experiences, not general discussion of age-gap dating. If they're dating, being courted, thinking of marrying, or are married to an age-gap partner, those are all legitimate stand-alone threads. General thoughts and discussion can take place in this thread, where the focus is on age-gap dating in general, not on any one member's personal life circumstances/relationship.

[thefooloftheyear]

My opinion about men who prefer the company of a younger woman has never changed. Not when I was younger, and not now.

 

 

I didn't want the attention of every single swinging dick in a 100 mile radius (still don't), nor did I act like the women you talk about. Ever.

 

I don't consider those men to be good and desirable. In fact, one of the bonuses of OLD is that I can avoid them... the ones with the skewed age ranges...... even if they are in MY target age range. I don't have to go on however many dates to figure out what their real preferences are.

 

There are still lots of old coots I could shack up with anytime I like. How does that make me jealous exactly??

 

 

Mostly, I think some of you guys want us to feel afraid of dying old and alone and just settle for your sorry asses... THAT is more like it...

 

 

Im one of those rare individuals that is completely content to be alone...I actually ENJOY it!! Bring it on...Unfortunately in all likelyhood, these dummies are going tto keep coming around....I swear they are like a bunch of stray cats..

 

Anyway...I dont really know why you keep harping on everything I post....Its not directed at you, or anyone in particular...You post about your life experiences and others post about theirs...I have no hangups,,,Im all good..In fact, I can say with absolute honesty that I never did anything remotely resembling the behavior you reported and find so abhorrent, so maybe find another punching dummy....(shrug)....

 

And the women wouldnt at all be jealous of the "old coots' because no one would...as you say....Theyd be more jealous of the younger women that are moving in on their territory....I could certainly see why any middle aged woman wouldnt be upset about some old, fat, jackass that thinks hes a Playboy because he bought a red Corvette...That guy is just an idiot...But the attractive, athletic and well built, wealthy 45 year old guy that has all his crap together and has a 30 year old attractive woman at his side, well....then the gloves come off...Now he is being "unfair" by rejecting the women in his age group...

 

YOUR mileage MAY vary....

 

TFY

[melodymatters]

It's funny how often people cite cultural references when talking about age gap R's !

 

I look at that more as a "he loves sports and I never know what season it is". Or "I love to cook exotic things and he's a meat and potato's guy" ( and arguably eating is a bigger deal on many levels than TV, movies or music)

 

I'm way more about actions, shared values, emotional styles.

 

My H and I have so many other differences no algorithm on earth would ever match us, yet we find such peace, such joy and warmth, fun and laughter, safety and sensuality in each others arms.

 

Do I have normal concerns that flit through my mind ? Of course, but people do within any relationship in my experience . " What if I got sick ?" What if HE got sick ?" Will he love me if I get fat/ will she be attracted if I go bald and on and on. Depends how much of a projector of the future, worrier type you are.

 

Having buried two of my closest family member at 24 and 19 yrs of age. I learned the hard way that youth is no guarantee of jack shyte.

 

Any advice I would offer would probably be the same advice I would give someone if they were born on the very same day as their partner. Date cool people who treat you well, actions not words, avoid azzholes etc.

 

Probably the funniest and most striking thing about us has nothing to do with age. I'm 5' tall, 99 lbs. He's 6'6 around 200 lbs and bearded . I'm a total extrovert, own a theater company, I tend to buzz around like Tinkerbell, he is the strong silent type, partner in a construction company, works with his hands. It is the oddest yet somehow magical combo that has us going to sleep and waking up in each others arms murmuring how very much we love each other after nearly three yrs of marriage.

 

Whatever works right ?

 

Thanks for starting this thread....I THINK. You seemed to be making rather harsh value judgments on the other one but lets start fresh:). I truly hope this one can be based on actuality. While we all have opinions, I am not going to jump into a thread saying " I've never dated a purple martian BUT I think purple martians are disgusting, there is something mentally askew with people who date purple martians, watch out when your purple martian turns 50 because I read some statistics online about purple martian exploding on their birthday....

[RonaldS]

TFY raises some good points about the generalizations made about older men dating younger women by certain women in this thread. The mass mental image of older (say late 30s up) doesn't apply to everybody.

 

I'm like TFY in that I don't approach women. Never have, never will. As such, my interactions with women are hardly predatory, manipulative or whatever. If there is a 25 year old woman sitting there talking to me, she is there of her own initiative and desire to be there. And if she's there, I'm not wooing her, BSing her, feeding her lines, or anything of that nature in an effort to take advantage of her. Don't have to.

 

So, it's all on the up-and-up. No taking advantage of taking place.

 

And here's the other thing, which is why I asked RR about the parameters she used in judging a man based on the ages of the women he has dated. I happen to date women several years younger than me. I've also happen to date women my age. I even date women older than me. I just sort of like women and the age thing is not used to categorize. Case-by-case basis for me. I do not discriminate based on age.

 

However, according to RR's metrics, I have a high toxicity level because of the part of dating younger women. Somehow, I'm emotionally stunted. Not really sure how, though. I was in a 'successful' relationship/marriage for ~14 years and had 3 kids. The marriage ended up being unsuccessful, but that happens when two people aren't right for each other. But it's hard to maintain a relationship for 14 months. 14 years is a lifetime. And it's hard to maintain a relationship for 14 years if you're emotionally stunted.

 

Has RR done the same? One kinda sets themself up for failure when one makes emotional value judgements of other people who have already done something that one has not themself demonstrated the aptitude to do. Get it?

 

It really does come off as being a sore loser, as if they feel their own ship has sailed and their worth in the eyes of men is a function of their age, and as they get older, that worth diminishes.

 

However, I think it's more the sh*tty, jaded, disenfranchised attitude that would prove to be the ultimate turn-off to a man than her age.

Edited April 27, 2014 by RonaldS

[Anela]

I'm not bitter, or a man-hater. It's amazing how you automatically make these assumptions. My attitude was just fine until I started running into these men, and when I'm around people in person, it's fine, I'm just shy. You have no idea who I am, and what my history is, or the men I've had to deal with. There are a few men who I would date in a heartbeat, if they weren't too young.

 

I had intended to stay away from these threads, because I realized how much better I felt around my birthday, not being reminded that I'm supposedly washed up.

[123321]

In the US, roughly 1 in 20 people are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.

 

About 1 in 25 men are on the sociopath/psychopath scale ...

 

Yes of course, and just as 1 in 14 women dating older guys is plenty, so to 1 in 20 odds are plenty for you when you go for your lesbian hookups, although if you decide to date strictly sociopath/psychopath types I'm not sure that's going to be easy to ID.

 

Enjoy whatever your preference is though.

[FitChick]

Anela, you should date younger men to get experience. You have more in common with them than with men your own age.

[FitChick]

Damn! I was going to post a reply in the other older man thread but it got locked. So I'll just do it here, since these are all the same threads really:

 

It's been said more than once that younger men date older women "just for sex." Why don't women their own age (or younger) want them?

[MidwestUSA]

It's been said more than once that younger men date older women "just for sex." Why don't women their own age (or younger) want them?

 

Maybe they do, but we older women just snatch them away? I don't know, just guessing.

 

 

Could you quote some statistics please? I need numbers!

 

coo coo ka choo

[123321]

It's been said more than once that younger men date older women "just for sex." Why don't women their own age (or younger) want them?

 

It's obviously not canonical, but it IS a fact that the number of men who marry women significantly older than themselves is very small, nothing like the 1 in 14 women marrying significantly older men cited earlier. If they're not in it to commit ... well connect the dots.

[MidwestUSA]

It's obviously not canonical, but it IS a fact that the number of men who marry women significantly older than themselves is very small, nothing like the 1 in 14 women marrying significantly older men cited earlier. If they're not in it to commit ... well connect the dots.

 

 

 

Through all these discussions, has 'significantly' been defined? Maybe I missed it.

[Anela]

It's obviously not canonical, but it IS a fact that the number of men who marry women significantly older than themselves is very small, nothing like the 1 in 14 women marrying significantly older men cited earlier. If they're not in it to commit ... well connect the dots.

 

It could happen. I wonder if it would happen more often, if most women didn't feel so weird about it.

 

I just don't understand how the men here can praise younger women to the high heavens, and put down the rest of us. What is that young woman going to turn into as she ages, or do you not care since you still maintain a significant age difference? It hurts like hell to not be seen by men my own age, to be made to feel old by these guys who want the younger women, because they're still youngish, and still feel young - well, so do I! I don't want to marry one of my dad's peers. I was going to say more, but I won't bother - this definitely isn't a place to express any sort of vulnerability. It just gives another opening for attack from those who show a lot more hatred in their words than I usually do.

[Keenly]

Women want to make men into women.

[Woggle]

It could happen. I wonder if it would happen more often, if most women didn't feel so weird about it.

 

I just don't understand how the men here can praise younger women to the high heavens, and put down the rest of us. What is that young woman going to turn into as she ages, or do you not care since you still maintain a significant age difference? It hurts like hell to not be seen by men my own age, to be made to feel old by these guys who want the younger women, because they're still youngish, and still feel young - well, so do I! I don't want to marry one of my dad's peers. I was going to say more, but I won't bother - this definitely isn't a place to express any sort of vulnerability. It just gives another opening for attack from those who show a lot more hatred in their words than I usually do.

 

Don't let the guys on this forum get to you. There are still plenty of men who want women their own age. Plenty of marriages happen between people in their 40s and 50s so not all men are chasing younger women.

[Candy_Pants]

Women want to make men into women.

 

Are you kidding?!? Who would change my oil? Drill me into oblivion? Who would reach high objects for me? Pick me up and spin me around when he got home from work? Impregnate me?

[RedRobin]

It could happen. I wonder if it would happen more often, if most women didn't feel so weird about it.

 

I just don't understand how the men here can praise younger women to the high heavens, and put down the rest of us. What is that young woman going to turn into as she ages, or do you not care since you still maintain a significant age difference? It hurts like hell to not be seen by men my own age, to be made to feel old by these guys who want the younger women, because they're still youngish, and still feel young - well, so do I! I don't want to marry one of my dad's peers. I was going to say more, but I won't bother - this definitely isn't a place to express any sort of vulnerability. It just gives another opening for attack from those who show a lot more hatred in their words than I usually do.

 

Don't be discouraged Anela.

 

One thing we women might learn from the handful of strutting peacocks here... Is to shamelessly go after what you want and don't listen to people who say you aren't good enough.

 

Women get that message a lot... We are the ones expected to twist ourselves into pretzels to attract a man. Well, we should stop that. I did. It feels great.

 

These guys have their own reasons for honing in on younger women that have nothing to do with you. Hopefully that is something you learned from your experience with your sister's husband. You probably did internalize a lot of that simply due to dynamics of your family, not to mention wanting to preserve your relationship with your sister.

 

I am very sorry you went through that. The good news... Very good news for you, is that you know what it looks like now and you can avoid it.

 

All older men aren't your sister's husband, true. But for me, enough of them are based on my personal experience that I prefer not to take that chance. Plus, it is not the kind of dynamic I want... No matter how great a shape he happens to be in or what he looks like or how much money he has. But that is just me.

 

You are super sweet, Anela. You will be just fine

Edited April 27, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed derogatory comment

[xxoo]

Are you kidding?!? Who would change my oil? Drill me into oblivion? Who would reach high objects for me? Pick me up and spin me around when he got home from work? Impregnate me?

 

One like was not enough. Amen, sista!

 

Women want men to be men, and to desired by a man. And a whole lot of other things, too. But being desired by my man is pretty high on the list.

[hotpotato]

It could happen. I wonder if it would happen more often, if most women didn't feel so weird about it.

 

I just don't understand how the men here can praise younger women to the high heavens, and put down the rest of us. What is that young woman going to turn into as she ages, or do you not care since you still maintain a significant age difference? It hurts like hell to not be seen by men my own age, to be made to feel old by these guys who want the younger women, because they're still youngish, and still feel young - well, so do I! I don't want to marry one of my dad's peers. I was going to say more, but I won't bother - this definitely isn't a place to express any sort of vulnerability. It just gives another opening for attack from those who show a lot more hatred in their words than I usually do.

 

It all comes down to projection. They see themselves deteriorating and feel bad, but instead of being self-reflective, they focus on the supposed faults of female peers.

 

I've seen this quite a bit with guys in their 50s. The chunky wrinkled guys doesn't like older women because they are supposedly chunky and wrinkled. These guys don't see or don't want to see they are losing their physical attractiveness either. It's a defense mechanism.

 

Some guys think that as long as he can maintain some semblance of erection, he is still hot. Never mind that he may have saggy skin, fat, bald, hasn't worked out since age 25, and sometimes even broke. Younger women are supposed to see past all of that when the man wouldn't do the same for a woman that age. They think because super rich old guys date young(er) women, they can,too.

 

Before anyone says anything, I'm not even 35. I'm 27. I've dated older men.

[RedRobin]

One thing I find very refreshing about a lot of younger men, in general. They aren't quite so hung up on predetermined gender roles as often as the older guys.

 

 

I imagine it might make a relationship a bit easier than the me Tarzan, you Jane types who need to feel in control and in charge all the time.

[thefooloftheyear]

It all comes down to projection. They see themselves deteriorating and feel bad, but instead of being self-reflective, they focus on the supposed faults of female peers.

 

I've seen this quite a bit with guys in their 50s. The chunky wrinkled guys doesn't like older women because they are supposedly chunky and wrinkled. These guys don't see or don't want to see they are losing their physical attractiveness either. It's a defense mechanism.

 

Some guys think that as long as he can maintain some semblance of erection, he is still hot. Never mind that he may have saggy skin, fat, bald, hasn't worked out since age 25, and sometimes even broke. Younger women are supposed to see past all of that when the man wouldn't do the same for a woman that age. They think because super rich old guys date young(er) women, they can,too.

 

Before anyone says anything, I'm not even 35. I'm 27. I've dated older men.

 

Nonsense.....

 

Those old fools are no different than the fat, menopausal, broke ass middle aged women that have the nerve to think they can score a rich guy with a smoking body and an 8 figure net worth just because they happen to have a pair of droopy tits...

 

TFY

[hotpotato]

Nonsense.....

 

Those old fools are no different than the fat, menopausal, broke ass middle aged women that have the nerve to think they can score a rich guy with a smoking body and an 8 figure net worth just because they happen to have a pair of droopy tits...

 

TFY

 

Oh really? I deal with these men first hand on a regular basis. These men are very...hypocritical...and delusional.

 

Ive had to deal with a 50 something stalker who was ready to drop his gf for a hot young thabg. I have to deal the 70 something year old man inviting me to his assisted living home for "wine."

 

And why are women expected to be cool with this anyway? Most younger guys dont want older women (unless shes really hot or rich) and especually not elderly qomen with droopy tits chasing them.

[carhill]

pred·a·to·ry

ˈpredəˌtôrē/

adjective

1.

relating to or denoting an animal or animals preying naturally on others.

"predatory birds"

synonyms: predacious, carnivorous, hunting, raptorial; More

2.

seeking to exploit or oppress others.

"a life destroyed by predatory biographers and yellow journalists"

synonyms: exploitative, wolfish, rapacious, vulturine, vulturous More

 

I seriously doubt any man, of any level of attractiveness, of any level of monetary success or social popularity, etc, etc, seeking to engage a woman of any age for consensual adult romantic and/or sexual interaction is predating her. Women in this day and age are not beholden to men in any way, shape or form and such freedom has the teeth of law.

 

If you don't like men 'hitting' on you, change social convention. Until then, tough cookies!

[Weezy1973]

pred·a·to·ry

ˈpredəˌtôrē/

adjective

1.

relating to or denoting an animal or animals preying naturally on others.

"predatory birds"

synonyms: predacious, carnivorous, hunting, raptorial; More

2.

seeking to exploit or oppress others.

"a life destroyed by predatory biographers and yellow journalists"

synonyms: exploitative, wolfish, rapacious, vulturine, vulturous More

 

I seriously doubt any man, of any level of attractiveness, of any level of monetary success or social popularity, etc, etc, seeking to engage a woman of any age for consensual adult romantic and/or sexual interaction is predating her. Women in this day and age are not beholden to men in any way, shape or form and such freedom has the teeth of law.

 

If you don't like men 'hitting' on you, change social convention. Until then, tough cookies!

 

I think when they're referring to predatory, it's more in the context of a shady used car salesman / ignorant car shopper scenario. He will lie and take advantage of the buyer's ignorance - and while we certainly do say "buyer beware" - it's still pretty shady.

 

But that being said, nobody is arguing that shady, player type behaviour is a bad thing, and women should take caution towards these types of men. I think the point is just because a man is older than the woman he is interested in, doesn't necessarily make him shady (a.k.a predatory).

[melodymatters]

At around age 13 I sprouted boobs and became a curvy, cute little blonde. I now am a 47 yr old cute curvy little blonde ( curvy the way 5', 100 lb Italian girls are, not " a few extra lbs/ voluptuous"). From then til now I have had men of all shapes, sizes, ages and colors approach me and I can't say I EVER felt victimized or preyed upon.

 

While I am married now, I was widowed and single for 3 yrs in my mid 40's and single for a few yrs in my late 30's and didn't notice a decrease in male attention. Of course i don't approach every interaction as automatically sexualized. I assume I look or come off as an interesting person that people, male and female might want to strike up a conversation with.

 

I'm sure there are men that would automatically disregard me because of my age, but...how would I even KNOW that was why ? Maybe they are taken, maybe they are gay, maybe they don't like blondes ? And more so why would I care ?

 

There are SO many people who don't 'fit" with me for a myriad of reasons, I've never worried myself about them as there are always other people, from 21-74 ( in my most recent single incarnation) that are interested enough to want to get to know me further. THOSE are the one's I will expend energy on. Should I be angry that a guy prefers d*ck to p*ssy ? Again WHO CARES ?

 

The only people I DO have a problem with are the one's outside my relationship, telling ME that MY relationship won't work....while they go cheat on their same age partners, are single or are simply in non supportive loving relationships !?! And yes, on the other side of the coin, the only one's who have said that are middle aged men who apparently are pissed off that I am not dating them, like the hot blonde in her 40's inherently belongs to THEM, not some 20 something whippersnapper ! lol

 

Everyone, date a nice person who cares about you and makes you feel good. If people treat you badly or don't want you, why on earth why would you want them in your life or even care what they think ?

 

At the end of the day I find it all pretty simple I guess....