Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[romeosadventure]

Well, in OPs defense, he started out by writing that he had been out on dates with girl in their twenties. So apparently he got past the "eww, stay away creep!" stage...

 

I guess he either has an amazing radar for women that like older men, or came up with a really good and neutral approach. Or maybe they both attract each other, and send out the same, age-inappropriate pheromones or something...

 

Thank you Criticality for bringing this back to the groups attention! Yes, I am already dating these women so for them, there is no "creepyness", etc. at least from the beginning. The key is that I want to make sure that when they do agree to go out with me, they understand it is a date. There are so many terms used these days (hang out, chill, hook up) that it leaves uncertainty to the intentions of the person asking the other out.

 

Now for the ladies out there, how difficult is it for you to understand the intention of a guy who asks you out. Do you ever think aww, that's nice, he wants to go have a friendly cup of coffee and be my friend... or he is asking me for a date. FYI, ladies, when a guy does ask you to hang out, chill, etc., he IS interested in you many more times than not. I do have girl-friends that I do enjoy going out with yet have absolutely no attraction to.

 

So I think I've answered my own original question by stating that I would like to take them on a date. It would be extremely difficult for someone to misinterpret the term "date". Would everyone agree??

 

I tested this out yesterday with a 30 year old woman. I had met her before and had texted and talked occasionally so I was very direct with her. I'm paraphrasing just slightly, but I told her I thought she was very cute and attractive and I would like to take her on a brunch date. It was direct but lighthearted....her reply?? .... I'd love to!

 

So next phase of the question. If giving them the intention up front and they accept, is it OK to then just treat it as any other date, at any age, and just make moves if and when it feels right?

 

BTW, I just have a very neutral and non threatening approach with ALL women, no special superpowers for finding women who like older guys!!

[theothersully]

By all means, once you are on a "date" do what you would normally do on a date.

 

Your approach is very interesting. It's exactly the same as mine. What I found is it can be easy to get stuck with our type of approach. I also find lots and lots of little hints or very bold hints work at that stage. If you are taking about say... France, you say, "I'd love to take you there.", etc.... stuff that shows you want to proceed. That, plus the little physical stuff.

 

It's a hard transition from neutral, non threatening original interaction , but just read her. Try to progress it after there is a connection, but tread lightly. Just like getting a cat to come over for a pet.

 

Again, age does not matter. If she accepts a date, you are now dating, so proceed as normal. Don't treat her any differently due to her age. You could blow it that way. You are peers. You are equals. You are people. Never forget that.

[123321]

Just like their 55 year old male counterparts then. But somehow a 25 year old girl is supposed to be okay with that and be falling over herself to date him.

 

Maybe, although the guy is often the one with the uncompromised career and not the full time keeper of the kids, if any were produced, but no I'm not saying anyone is supposed to be anything except polite.

 

Being polite or not says a lot more about the person in question than it says about the person being responded to.

 

 

It has to do with stage of life.

 

A young woman may want to advance her career by having an affair with someone older and well-established in her field as a way to network and get the inside scoop. Often, as has been mentioned, the women want to be wined, dined and gifted, and travel first class. It's a good way to meet a younger man with higher social status (sons of the older man's friends) for later when she wants marriage and kids.

 

These older men are divorced and just want to play. They've done the marriage-kids thing. The man gets arm candy and bragging rights with people thinking he is a stud when the opposite is often the case.

 

An older woman, divorced after a sexless marriage, wants a young stud. She doesn't take him seriously, she's in control. She already has a house, kids and nice lifestyle courtesy of her ex. Young men don't get the drama or "where is this headed" conversations and learn some new sexual tricks. Win-win.

 

Occasionally there are some true love matches but that is the exception that proves the rule.

 

The older both parties are, the less relevant the same age gap is.

 

Possibly the best post in the thread.

[gaius]

Oh, and for some bizarre reason... Mr. Sexy Talk can't stop contacting me and trying to get something going with me... Mr. Ryan Gosling Look-alike admits to driving past my house everyday.... 'splain that?? These are men my own age who also claim(ed) to be more compatible with much younger women.

Just goes to show you shouldn't believe a word that comes out of a guys mouth. Women take what we say literally way too often.

 

"I'm compatible with much younger women" really means "I've dated younger women. Look at me, I'm such a stud."

[gaius]

Because, once the initial shock of having a guy twice one's age view you as a sex object wears off, it is replaced by anger at being put in that position to begin with.

 

Then, when it happens over and over in every sphere of your life (work, personal, friend's H's)... one starts to wonder where this shyte came from.

 

When I was in my 20's, I'd often question myself "what am I doing to attract this kind of attention?" Because not only was it unwanted... it felt like a betrayal. Just one example of many... My 50+ year old chiropractor hit on me when I was 19. Tried to kiss me. He'd seen my nearly naked body (at least topless) since I was 16. Tell me that isn't a violation.

 

Won't even tell you all of the much older men I've worked with who thought my professional interaction with them somehow earned them the right to hit on me too. This might be expected from someone my own age... but at some point, women don't want to feel like every *&^% conversation or interaction they have with a man is going to be interpreted or twisted as sexual.

 

So, what I learned is that I wasn't doing anything to attract it. It was them being a-holes and some elements of society telling them it was ok.

 

I know where it comes from now. It comes from pathology and social dysfunction. The fact that it exists and is legal doesn't make it healthy.

But there are some women who this kind of stuff doesn't happen to at all. Who can't get a date or a man attracted to them in the least. Then there's women like you, the exact opposite. I was listening to Maria Menounos talk about bad experiences with doctors a while back. To the point she had to keep her boyfriend in the room during exams or they would do something inappropriate, like fondle her bellybutton ring.

 

I would say it was pheromones or something but it seems to happen to you here as well. I think I kind of spotted you uncomfortably fending off someone in a thread a while back. I imagine for women it's an extra uncomfortable situation when that happens. Since it must be difficult to be direct in a lot of cases. Some guy with authority over you or just one who's being very nice and friendly in general starts flirting. How could you possibly directly say they make you want to heave when they do that? I hate dealing with situations like that and I'm a guy who probably has an easier time being direct.

 

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I date mostly older women because I have mom issues and it's a crying shame I've had to work so hard to ease some of my former partners into it since there's such a social stigma attached. They feel guilty and ashamed for indulging in a completely consensual relationship that makes them feel good. I thought that kind of BS went out with gay rights but I guess it's just getting redirected.

[123321]

Because, once the initial shock of having a guy twice one's age view you as a sex object wears off, it is replaced by anger at being put in that position to begin with.

 

I'm gonna have to call bullshit on this one. OK, sure, you MIGHT be the one in a million who REALLY wouldn't stammer out a yes as fast as she could if Hugh Grant, John Stamos, Jim Carey, Jason Bateman, James Denton, Johnny Depp, Mark Ruffalo, Matthew Perry, Will Smith, Edward Norton, Ralph Fiennes, Guy Pearce, Cuba Gooding Jr., Clive Owen, or whoever asked you out, but (1) I doubt it and (2) you'd be a rare exception.

 

The real issue isn't that a "guy twice one's age" has viewed you as a sex object, the real issue is that the offer was made and the overall package wasn't to your liking, but rather than be honest about that and say:

 

- He wasn't famous enough

- He didn't make enough money

- He didn't look good enough

 

You and those like you come up with "he was too old" because that's not going to get you labelled as shallow and will garner virtual high fives from other women and some men, while allowing you to bask in the moment of being oh so desirable and attention worthy.

 

Here's a fact; You probably ARE desirable and attention worthy.

 

Here's another: You would date the right older man, if he walked into your life.

[RedRobin]

I'm gonna have to call bullshit on this one. OK, sure, you MIGHT be the one in a million who REALLY wouldn't stammer out a yes as fast as she could if Hugh Grant, John Stamos, Jim Carey, Jason Bateman, James Denton, Johnny Depp, Mark Ruffalo, Matthew Perry, Will Smith, Edward Norton, Ralph Fiennes, Guy Pearce, Cuba Gooding Jr., Clive Owen, or whoever asked you out, but (1) I doubt it and (2) you'd be a rare exception.

 

The real issue isn't that a "guy twice one's age" has viewed you as a sex object, the real issue is that the offer was made and the overall package wasn't to your liking, but rather than be honest about that and say:

 

- He wasn't famous enough

- He didn't make enough money

- He didn't look good enough

 

You and those like you come up with "he was too old" because that's not going to get you labelled as shallow and will garner virtual high fives from other women and some men, while allowing you to bask in the moment of being oh so desirable and attention worthy.

 

Here's a fact; You probably ARE desirable and attention worthy.

 

Here's another: You would date the right older man, if he walked into your life.

 

I've had men with all of the above that you mention approach me... I still found it offensive.... and while you find it hard to believe... it still IS offensive to women who were raised to view older men as authority figures and mentors. Nay... I'll say, I was raised to EXPECT them to be trusted NOT to abuse that role. I'm fortunate to say that there are many men in my social and professional circle who I know for a fact were attracted to me, but did not abuse that trust. Thank god for those men...

 

When men of all walks of life from your doctor (1), to much older professors (3), bosses (2) and random older colleagues make passes or suggestions for sexual intimacy, it gets old. Yes... I EXPECT I should be able to function in the world of both men and women without being hit on by much older men. It's not up to me to tolerate it and play nice. It's up to them to learn how to accept their changing roles in life and deal with it. That would be the healthy thing to do.

 

Your argument is not much different than the 'player' argument... that any woman can be overcome by a smooth talker/player... and if just the right kind of much older man came along, I/we would also be 'overcome'.

 

Not happening...

 

Partly because my priorities are nowhere near what you listed. You might be surprised to know that lots of women don't have those priorities either.

[youaremysunshine]

Physical repulsion aside, I have a hard time believing I could meet a man who is from a different generation that could truly understand me and I him. I want someone with whom I have common interests and experiences and who shares the same values and life goals. Someone looking for an equal partner not a pretty plaything.

[GingerGirl2]

Hi everyone, I just joined to post this, hope I'm doing it in the right spot.

 

Today at the pool, I was sitting on the bench. I was looking over towards the lifeguard's chair, and I glance up at him and he sees me, and makes eye contact for a second and then smiles at me. I was so in shock I didn't even get a chance to smile back before he looked away.

 

Am I reading too much into this to think that he was interested in me? I am so excited/disbelieving about it because he is young, probably early twenties while I am almost forty. Was he just being friendly? It didn't seem like just a friendly smile though, I have to say.

 

Any thoughts? I know this isn't a lot to go on, I'm just so taken aback by it I have to post.

[FitChick]

He is just a friendly guy whose job involves him working with people. If he'd been interested he would have come over.

 

One reason I always wear sunglasses.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Physical repulsion aside, I have a hard time believing I could meet a man who is from a different generation that could truly understand me and I him. I want someone with whom I have common interests and experiences and who shares the same values and life goals. Someone looking for an equal partner not a pretty plaything.

 

Okay cool. But you aren't every woman. Some women LIKE the differences in perspectives.

 

For example, I prefer to date women from different cultures for many reasons. One of the biggest reasons is that I find their varying perspectives interesting. Usually, we have very little in common (beyond normal human stuff), but it works out well....because we are very interesting to each other.

 

I presume that older male-younger female relationships are similar.

[basil75]

I am a 38 yr old woman, and have been dating a 55 year old bachelor for over a year. I can tell you that the reason I was attracted to him (I was the one who pursued him after a ONS) was that he obviously didn't need anyone to take care of him. This was dreamy to a single mom of two boys (whose ex husband made her responsible for everything). I was tired of being NEEDED by everyone in my life. His age and maturity meant he could handle himself and his affairs without my help - and even help me carry my load sometimes.

I just seem to breathe easier around him.

 

I do think sometimes about what it will be like down the road as we age, but I am not too worried about it. Life is too short. I will be with him for as long as we are both happy with the relationship.

[youaremysunshine]

Ok I get that, I do think cross cultural relationships take extra work but if you connect with someone it's worth it (my boyfriend is from Serbia, still figuring him out)

 

The attraction that comes from difference or some one seeming "exotic" is not exactly a solid basic for a relationship, especially because they can be rooted in unequal power dynamics.

 

I've never met a girl who found the culture middle aged men that alluring. Like none of my girlfriends mesmerized by the art of golf. Nor do older men tend to have a true respect for me as a young woman and student.

 

When I say values and life goals, I mean commitment and eventually children. Most older guys I have encountered are looking for casual sex because they already have a few kids and maybe a couple marriages behind them.. Or better yet they are still married!!!

 

So I guess these crazy generation gap pairings are fine for causal sex for those who can stomach it, but not very viable long term relationships.

I feel the same about older women/ younger men hookups too.

[youaremysunshine]

Basil, I have nothing to base this on, but I feel in 38 and 55 are much closer in terms of maturity then say, 20 and 37 even though its both 17 years.

[basil75]

Physical repulsion aside, I have a hard time believing I could meet a man who is from a different generation that could truly understand me and I him. I want someone with whom I have common interests and experiences and who shares the same values and life goals. Someone looking for an equal partner not a pretty plaything.

 

You can certainly still have common interests with someone from a different generation - it just might not be all your interests. My BF (very weird to call a 55 yr old my Boyfriend -I need a new title) and I share an interest in thrift store shopping, music, gardening, etc. We also share similar family values, a common work ethic and opinions on religion -all commonalities you would want to find with a partner - these types of base values do not necessarily change with each generation. You can find an "equal" of any age.

 

To be fair though, we don't have the child bearing issue to deal with. I am done having children and he never expected to have any, so these is no need for discussion/negotiation. A woman younger than me, or childless, and wanting children would certainly not be looking for a mate who is past their prime child rearing age.

[basil75]

Basil, I have nothing to base this on, but I feel in 38 and 55 are much closer in terms of maturity then say, 20 and 37 even though its both 17 years.

 

I would agree with this.

[123321]

Yes... I EXPECT I should be able to function in the world of both men and women without being hit on by much older men.

 

Why would you expect that?

 

 

It's not up to me to tolerate it and play nice.

 

If you're a well raised person who understands the value of good manners in a polite society it is absolutely up to you to do your part by being polite, as long as people are polite to you.

 

I'm not advocating anything except responding politely to polite interactions from others and honestly if a person can't manage that they don't belong in our society really.

 

 

Not happening...

 

Partly because my priorities are nowhere near what you listed. You might be surprised to know that lots of women don't have those priorities either.

 

Maybe, but then I have to look at what I see really happening, and then I have to suspect that if the right Matthew McConaughey struck up a convo with you, you wouldn't turn him down flat.

[youaremysunshine]

I'm not obligated to respond politely to someone being inappropriate and making me uncomfortable.

 

These middle aged dudes are usually my teachers or superiors at work or other figures of authority, or even customers who feel entitled because i'm their to "serve" them. Really intimidating, and downright inconsiderate of the fact I'm just trying to learn and make money to live.

 

Or they are wasted married guys bugging my table at the bar ALL NIGHT. I'm not obligated to stroke this guys ego and hold his hand through his mid-life crisis. I'm just here to spend time with my friends, who are my own age.

 

Honestly I have worn a fake engagement ring to work and the constant nagging does not stop. I really have no patience anymore

[youaremysunshine]

And ew, Mathew McConaughey lookalike... He probably smells like bong water

[theothersully]

There's the problem. These guys are gross, perverted, very old men. This isn't what the thread is about (I hope). I can easily see being grossed out by these guys.

 

We are talking about real stuff, not guys who use their power over someone to be perverts.

 

Huge difference.

 

When out with groups of girls in their 20's, I often have to make a joke about being old, since I am older. They always get serious and remind me that I'm *older*, not "old." Then they point to boring, golf playing types, just like you described, to show me what old is.

 

This thread, I hope, isn't about gross old men who are your teacher or superior, but is about actual dating with an age difference,

 

 

I'm not obligated to respond politely to someone being inappropriate and making me uncomfortable.

 

These middle aged dudes are usually my teachers or superiors at work or other figures of authority, or even customers who feel entitled because i'm their to "serve" them. Really intimidating, and downright inconsiderate of the fact I'm just trying to learn and make money to live.

 

Or they are wasted married guys bugging my table at the bar ALL NIGHT. I'm not obligated to stroke this guys ego and hold his hand through his mid-life crisis. I'm just here to spend time with my friends, who are my own age.

 

Honestly I have worn a fake engagement ring to work and the constant nagging does not stop. I really have no patience anymore

[RedRobin]

There's the problem. These guys are gross, perverted, very old men. This isn't what the thread is about (I hope). I can easily see being grossed out by these guys.

 

We are talking about real stuff, not guys who use their power over someone to be perverts.

 

Huge difference.

 

When out with groups of girls in their 20's, I often have to make a joke about being old, since I am older. They always get serious and remind me that I'm *older*, not "old." Then they point to boring, golf playing types, just like you described, to show me what old is.

 

This thread, I hope, isn't about gross old men who are your teacher or superior, but is about actual dating with an age difference,

 

There is no difference to most women. The only 'difference' is in the heads of the guys making the moves. Those guys don't view themselves as gross either.

[123321]

I'm not obligated to respond politely to someone being inappropriate and making me uncomfortable.

 

Depends on why you are uncomfortable and what you call inappropriate. If a behavior from a 20 year old guy is OK, then it's also OK from anyone, just because you're straight doesn't mean the cute lesbian deserves being cut down for a polite attempt at chatting you up.

 

Same for ugly people, older guys, and whoever else doesn't fit your idea of attractive.

 

If the BEHAVIOR is inappropriate that's one thing (see below) but that's not what I'm talking about and you're trying to justify something that's unjustifiable.

 

 

These middle aged dudes are usually my teachers or superiors at work or other figures of authority, or even customers who feel entitled ...

 

Those things have nothing to do with age though right? Or is it OK if they are your manager but they are similar aged? Seriously?

[123321]

And ew, Mathew McConaughey lookalike... He probably smells like bong water

 

Maybe, that's not the point. The right older guy exists that would evoke a positive response from you, it's virtually certain. Virtually, as in almost but not quite; you might be pathologically hung up on age but from the things I've seen that's really rare.

 

I know for me, there are certainly older women I'd date if I was single and the opportunity presented, and it's always been that way. Sexy is sexy.

[FitChick]

I didn't realize that Julianne Moore was ten years older than her husband and they've been together seventeen years. They look the same age.

[youaremysunshine]

When anyone with authority over me hits on me it would be uncomfortable, and workplace harassment.

 

I'm not rude to anyone but I have no duty to engage stangers beyond a friendly acknowledgement. No one has the right to demand my time and attention and get but hurt when I won't flirt with them.

 

Maybe it's just cause older guys have been around the block a few times or they are just sex starved but they tend to come on WAY TOO STRONG. Like never taking no thank you for answer, no shame about my obvious lack of interest in them. Maybe younger guys are a little more timid but they usaualy back off when you give them a polite I'm ghere with my friends

 

Older guys will not quit, they read the pick up artist manual and they are sticking to it!! I even had a guy call me a beetch for declining a drink!