Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[ThsAmericanLife]

That seems to work out a lot better actually. My case is a bit extreme but my current and last 3-4 girlfriends have been in their 20s whereas I'm in my mid-40s. The current one is going pretty well, 22 years old, sweet, we will see.

 

At least her dad is older than I am.

 

I bet it does... they are too young and inexperienced to realize how much you probably suck in bed or anything else in life. Sadly, it really isn't that hard to find young women with 'daddy issues' to take advantage of...

 

Trying to keep an open mind... I've dated a few men who seemed to prefer much younger women. interestingly, not one of them stood out in the slightest as having anything much to offer. Not emotionally, financially, or sexually.

 

I've come to the conclusion that they have power/insecurity issues themselves. It isn't even a question of maturity. More like control freaks who need to be with a woman they feel superior to and can manipulate in some way.

 

Funny, some men think it is a big compliment when they tell me they usually date much younger women, but then go to extremes to tell me how 'hot' I am. I smile, say thank you, enjoy the rest of the date, then politely refuse to see them again

Edited July 22, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[ThsAmericanLife]

Since teaching at a university to (mostly men) in their early 20's, I can't imagine being my age (46) and dating them... although I always get at least one per semester that seems to develop a crush on me.

 

It seems fundamentally wrong to take advantage of the trust of a much younger person and turn it into something sexual... regardless of the gender of the older person.

 

Feels like some bizarre version of pedophelia to me... even though they are legally old enough to make their own decisions. The difference in life experience is just too great. Friend/mentor absolutely. Relationship... no.

 

I've done 11 years younger, and 14 years older... max. The man who was 14 years older than me died a month after we were engaged... so I won't be doing that again... Ever.

 

My new rule is +/- about five years.

[honeybeez]

....just to put things into the proper context...

 

The men I'm talking about... the ones I 'complain' about having soft dicks... are the same ones who consider themselves 'hot stuff' and like to talk about how great they are in bed.

 

Me, being the abnormally horny 46 year old occasionally says "ok, buddy show me what you got!" and then its... hmm... not so great. Probably was when they were younger, but not so much now.

 

Sadly, I wish that weren't the case. I also wish it weren't the case that they f-ed their way through their 30's and 40's and didn't feel the need to work on their personality much. All of our bodies change. That's reality. I wouldn't kick a guy to the curb because of that. I will if he's a jerk or self-centered in the bedroom.

 

Anyway, I much prefer men my own age. Unfortunately, it is a function of American culture that people don't tend to take very good care of themselves physically, and probably suffer sexually alot sooner than they need to.

 

Do you agree with me (the abnormally horny 54 yr old ) that we actually need 2 or 3 different guys to fulfill our different requirements lol?

A Young one for rampant sex (apparently this one needs to be blind so he isn't repulsed by our ageing ugliness lmao)? An old one for their bank balance? An uglier one for the personality they've had to cultivate to make up for their lack of looks? etc etc ......

[123321]

I bet it does... they are too young and inexperienced to realize how much you probably suck in bed or anything else in life. Sadly, it really isn't that hard to find young women with 'daddy issues' to take advantage of...

Multiple orgasms every morning and/or night are all I can seem to give her, sadly I'm not as virile as i once was but she seems OK with that. I admit, she knows what she likes and makes sure she gets where she needs to go, which is nice. All I need t do is outlast her and listen to her body.

 

 

 

Trying to keep an open mind... I've dated a few men who seemed to prefer much younger women. interestingly, not one of them stood out in the slightest as having anything much to offer. Not emotionally, financially, or sexually.

Probably depends on the pool each individual is able to attract. Exceptional people tend to attract exceptional people, the one thing in common with all our relationships is ourselves after all.

 

 

 

I've come to the conclusion that they have power/insecurity issues themselves. It isn't even a question of maturity. More like control freaks who need to be with a woman they feel superior to and can manipulate in some way.

Maybe. She likes me to take charge but then I always ask for her opinions before deciding. Seems to work well for us.

 

 

 

Funny, some men think it is a big compliment when they tell me they usually date much younger women, but then go to extremes to tell me how 'hot' I am. I smile, say thank you, enjoy the rest of the date, then politely refuse to see them again

Probably a wise and excellent policy for everyone involved. Good for you.

[ThsAmericanLife]

 

Maybe. She likes me to take charge but then I always ask for her opinions before deciding. Seems to work well for us.

 

 

AWW! How nice of you! You ask her opinions first. That is SOOO sweet! (not so subtle sarcasm here).

 

Yep. Daddy issues for sure. Can't make up her own mind. Needs someone else to tell her what to do.

 

Of course it works for you. Someday, when she develops her own personality and gets tired of you making the decisions, she'll move on, I'm sure. Or not. Some people seem to prefer not to have to think.

 

I have two former boyfriends who openly admit to needing to be "head of the household". One of them didn't admit it until after we broke up. We are still very good friends, believe it or not. I'm always very good about reminding him to stick to women who are younger and less educated. Better for his ego.

 

The second, I entertained the idea briefly (as an experiment).

 

My ex-husband (after 8 years of marriage) decided to announce one day that "he was calling the shots from now on". It took all of my will to avoid laughing. All I could say was "are ya now? Good luck with that." We were divorced a year later.

 

It is now one of the first discussions I have when deciding to enter a relationship with someone. And the reason I avoid men who need to be with much younger women. Usually that is the dynamic. They don't feel special unless they can dominate and control someone.

 

Yes, it does take all kinds to make the world go around.

Edited July 23, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[ThsAmericanLife]

Do you agree with me (the abnormally horny 54 yr old ) that we actually need 2 or 3 different guys to fulfill our different requirements lol?

A Young one for rampant sex (apparently this one needs to be blind so he isn't repulsed by our ageing ugliness lmao)? An old one for their bank balance? An uglier one for the personality they've had to cultivate to make up for their lack of looks? etc etc ......

 

 

OMG. That is too funny. Yep, I'm on board with that. Three men in my house.

 

the younger one would cook too (because they are ok with mixing gender roles).

 

The old one could live there too. He'd probably sleep through the evening festivities anyway. Maybe he'd have fun watching.

 

The uglier one. He'd be the one I'd occasionally kick the younger one out of bed for to have long, late night conversations or watch movies with.

 

The younger one and the uglier one could team up on house projects. The old one would just make sure the mortgage was paid and my bank balance full. Ok, ok, maybe I'd try to give him oral sex as a 'thank you'. If my arms didn't get too tired.

 

Ah well. We can dream after all

[123321]

AWW! How nice of you! You ask her opinions first. That is SOOO sweet! (not so subtle sarcasm here).

 

Yep. Daddy issues for sure. Can't make up her own mind. Needs someone else to tell her what to do.

Pretty precise diagnosis from just hearing a few sentence description, you are truly amazing. With a gift like yours you should consider giving up that teaching career and practice the healing art of counselling. Or something.

 

Seriously, is that old cliche the best you have? She's an old fashioned traditional woman, and I love and respect her a great deal. She is a gem and I am well aware that I'm fortunate to have found her. We make decisions together no matter how you like to spin it, but in the end someone has to have the final say, and that is me.

 

Most of the time, she either professes to not care, or we do what she prefers because i love her and want her to be happy.

 

Vile man that I clearly am.

 

 

 

 

Of course it works for you. Someday, when she develops her own personality and gets tired of you making the decisions, she'll move on, I'm sure. Or not. Some people seem to prefer not to have to think.

Now see, you're starting to sound sort of nasty there, saying the woman I love is not a full fledged human yet and that she might be somehow mentally defective simply because she has the class to trust me. She's an old fashioned girl, wears dresses when we go out and the works, but I suppose that's somehow defective too?

 

 

 

 

I have two former boyfriends who openly admit to needing to be "head of the household".

Well someone has to do it, and the job is highly overrated believe it or not.

 

 

 

 

It is now one of the first discussions I have when deciding to enter a relationship with someone. And the reason I avoid men who need to be with much younger women.

Well I have to ask, if they need to be with "much younger" women and they are with you, how old would that make them? Seems like maybe retirement age? How old do you actually date?

[ThsAmericanLife]

Actually, I feel bad calling anyone ugly. We can't help how we are born.

 

I've had amazing relationships with men that some would objectively consider physically unattractive. Beautiful spirits. Truly nurtured my soul. The reasons for the relationship ending had nothing to do with their looks at all.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Pretty precise diagnosis from just hearing a few sentence description, you are truly amazing. With a gift like yours you should consider giving up that teaching career and practice the healing art of counselling. Or something.

 

Seriously, is that old cliche the best you have? She's an old fashioned traditional woman, and I love and respect her a great deal. She is a gem and I am well aware that I'm fortunate to have found her. We make decisions together no matter how you like to spin it, but in the end someone has to have the final say, and that is me.

 

Most of the time, she either professes to not care, or we do what she prefers because i love her and want her to be happy.

 

Vile man that I clearly am.

 

 

 

 

 

Now see, you're starting to sound sort of nasty there, saying the woman I love is not a full fledged human yet and that she might be somehow mentally defective simply because she has the class to trust me. She's an old fashioned girl, wears dresses when we go out and the works, but I suppose that's somehow defective too?

 

 

 

 

 

Well someone has to do it, and the job is highly overrated believe it or not.

 

 

 

 

 

Well I have to ask, if they need to be with "much younger" women and they are with you, how old would that make them? Seems like maybe retirement age? How old do you actually date?

 

I'm practically giddy that I pegged this one. Sorry.

 

If it works for you, more power to you (I guess). I happen to believe she will grow out of this but could be wrong. Just like I did with my ex. We never talked about this in advance of getting married. That's too bad. He had expectations I wasn't aware of, and vice versa.

 

Oh, about the men I've dated who need much younger women. They are usually around my age. I'm 46, just to remind you. They are early to mid 40's... maybe as old as 50. But, like you, tend to prefer women in their 20's and 30's. I guess they are making an 'exception' for me because I was blessed with good genes physically, can carry on conversation, have a good sense of humor and alot of interests. I dunno. Alot of stuff people like... except I'm not submissive. Being nice does not equal being submissive. But they don't know that yet, which is why I walk.

 

I date +/- five years. Have exceeded that in the past (11 years minus, 14 years plus), but avoid that now. I MIGHT consider going up to 10 years younger (because my sex drive is higher than most of the men my age I've dated), but not older. Not just because of the sex thing. As I mentioned in a previous post, my fiancee was 14 years older and died. No guarantees, but won't do that again voluntarily.

Edited July 23, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[123321]

I'm practically giddy that I pegged this one. Sorry.

Cool, I'll be sure to ask her what her issue is with her loving hard-working father, who has always been there and who is still happily married to his wife, her mother, of 30 years. Clearly there is some terrible dysfunction. Her mom believes that her dad is the head of the family too, damn old fashioned family values.

 

I guess someone should tell them how unhappy they are and also, make sure they know a few good family lawyers.

 

 

 

 

I happen to believe she will grow out of this but could be wrong. Just like I did with my ex. We never talked about this in advance of getting married.

We have explicitly. She was very clear about her expectations. I guess she saw her parents growing up and thinks it's a good way to live if she can find a good man who loves her and genuinely cares for her.

 

 

 

 

Oh, about the men I date who need much younger women. They are usually around my age. I'm 46, just to remind you. They are early to mid 40's... maybe as old as 50.

So really they should be dating you when they are about 68 or so, but they are not. Do you think they REALLY date women that young or maybe they are just trying the wrong tactic to impress you?

 

I ask because I would never date someone that old, I date younger. That's what I do.

 

If they really are telling the truth, I suspect they wouldn't date you, ergo, I suspect they are lying to you for some reason, or they are desperate and simply date anything that will go out with them, even though they might, in their dreams, prefer to date "much younger".

[ThsAmericanLife]

Cool, I'll be sure to ask her what her issue is with her loving hard-working father, who has always been there and who is still happily married to his wife, her mother, of 30 years. Clearly there is some terrible dysfunction. Her mom believes that her dad is the head of the family too, damn old fashioned family values.

 

I guess someone should tell them how unhappy they are and also, make sure they know a few good family lawyers.

 

 

 

 

 

We have explicitly. She was very clear about her expectations. I guess she saw her parents growing up and thinks it's a good way to live if she can find a good man who loves her and genuinely cares for her.

 

 

 

 

 

So really they should be dating you when they are about 68 or so, but they are not. Do you think they REALLY date women that young or maybe they are just trying the wrong tactic to impress you?

 

I ask because I would never date someone that old, I date younger. That's what I do.

 

If they really are telling the truth, I suspect they wouldn't date you, ergo, I suspect they are lying to you for some reason, or they are desperate and simply date anything that will go out with them, even though they might, in their dreams, prefer to date "much younger".

 

 

oooo! Me thinks I hit a nerve!

 

My parents are still married too. Going on 47 years. They have a true partnership.

 

The men you mentioned were not lying. They are looks obsessed, as you appear to be, and have mistaken my kindness for the type of weakness you feel proud to embrace in your, um, women.

 

They are misguided. I'm happy not to continue with them further, as they would be with me, if they were more self-aware at that moment.

 

It is funny that you mention "in their dreams". It takes some skill, for sure, to identify women who need your kind of 'thing'. But it isn't all that special, really. It apparently makes YOU feel special though. and important. Good for you.

Edited July 23, 2011 by ThsAmericanLife

[123321]

The men you mentioned were not lying. They are looks obsessed, as you appear to be, and have mistaken my kindness for the type of weakness you feel proud to embrace ...

Well looks obsessed seems like an odd thing to say, I'd say more that I have high standards in many areas and will not compromise them. I don't have to, why should I? There are plenty of young and unattractive gals out there, or young women with personality issues, and so on.

 

I have a set of standards that have to be met, and I don't think it's wrong to be aware of that and stand up for it. Other things I don't care about, so I'm flexible. For instance, I don't care about income, or height, or bra size, or eye color, or any number of things, but I do like dark hair or redheads, and nice shapely legs. I like women under 30, but I don't care about their education as long as they are interesting to talk to. I don't like tattoos and can't tolerate tobacco use, but I don't care if they know about wine or art, as long as they know something I don't know already.

 

 

Moving on ....

 

A guy who professes to prefer to date younger (rather than "better looking") and who finds himself dating older is by definition either confused about his own preferences or compromising so he can get a date. Would you not agree?

 

 

Also, weak? That's hilarious. If only you knew this amazing woman.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Yes... moving on... We've high-jacked this thread long enough.

 

I think this thread is devoted to the 'outlier' experience. One where someone finds themselves attracted to someone they wouldn't normally date.

 

In this case it is an older woman and younger man. I do think it is possible that women who prefer dating younger men might also have some kind of backwards dynamics with men who have 'mommy' issues. Just like your, um, 'women', probably have daddy issues.

 

The difference is that her experience is the exception in her case and so probably more likely not to be unhealthy. Your's? I don't think so. The fact that you prefer women young enough to be your daughter, is, I believe, a form of pathology that is unfortunately accepted by our culture.

 

Like circumcision. Came about because of some bizarre religious tradition years ago that has strangely lasted up until now.

[ThsAmericanLife]

to answer the original question... I couldn't date someone more than 10 years younger. No matter how special they were. That's just me.

 

Life experience, shared cultural experience... and yes, probably social pressure too. Plus I'd really have a hard time viewing them as a partner.

 

I had one young gentlemen pursue me on and off for three years... I'm 15 years older than him. He couldn't be sweeter. Just couldn't do it.

[123321]

The fact that you prefer women young enough to be your daughter, is, I believe, a form of pathology that is unfortunately accepted by our culture.

I would have chalked it up to a natural outcome of our biology. Have a source for this being a recognized pathology?

 

You're sort of slipping into the typical middle aged woman script here, by the way. First you imply the woman in question is somehow defective, then you talk about the nature of the relationship, using terms like "true partnership" to contrast it to other relationships, then you cast aspersions on the guy, and finally you pull out the "it's almost incest" card. Sometimes older ladies switch the order a little to change it up so it looks less tired, like trying to rub the wrinkles away with the latest Swiss miracle creame. Both attempts ultimately fail.

 

 

Nothing new.

 

 

The fact is she's fabulous the way some women your age were 20 or 25 years ago, and she's in love with me, a guy nearly as old as you. I don't know what pathology (what a fun word) forces women in their later years to attack this rather that applaud two fellow humans making each other happy and I wouldn't presume to guess, but it's not pretty to watch.

 

The thing I worry about most is leaving her alone in her later years, but I don't know how to fix that, and she just gets very sad when I bring it up. I will have to ensure she is cared for materially and try to continue to live a healthy lifestyle I reckon.

 

 

I'm sorry your dates have left you so disappointed, whether it's regularly or occasionally, but it's not my fault, and the fact I have been dating exactly what I want is no reason to get upset. Be happy for me, be sad for the guy who prefers to date young women but who sometimes has to go out with an older lady instead. He is the one who is not getting what he wants. You clearly have no problems in that regard so I'm also happy for you in your ongoing search for 40+ year old guys to date; lord knows there seem to be plenty of us out there.

Edited July 23, 2011 by 123321

[Cee]

 

I think this thread is devoted to the 'outlier' experience. One where someone finds themselves attracted to someone they wouldn't normally date.

 

 

I think age gap relationships are "outlier" experiences that not eveyone can successfully accomplish. I have a male friend who is obsessed with dating women 15 years younger than him. And he has failed completely because he is hung up on her age rather than real compatibility. I do not fetishize age, but look at a man for who he is. I have dated men much older, much younger, and exactly my age. It's not a big deal really. I am simply open to what a man has to offer. I admit I am unconventional in my tastes, so I guess I attract men who are a bit different as well.

 

I never said that I wanted to date a man 15+ years younger. But I never had age as a deal breaking criteria so it was bound to happen. Similarly, I never had a height requirement in dating so I have tended to date men shorter than average height. Not a big deal. I drifted into this.

 

For what it's worth, my relationship with a younger man is incredible. But I don't attribute it to age, but rather we are an excellent fit. And that's what others can learn from. Real love grows from the interaction of two mature adults, not from pre-established criteria of the "perfect" love.

[RepairMinded]

The thing I worry about most is leaving her alone in her later years, but I don't know how to fix that, and she just gets very sad when I bring it up.

 

I reckon it will take all of about five seconds for her to find a new man or men after you are gone. So nothing for you to worry about. As a matter of fact you should rather worry about her finding a new man while you're still around. I'd give it maybe ten years. If you're lucky.

 

 

 

I will have to ensure she is cared for materially and try to continue to live a healthy lifestyle I reckon.

 

Why of course. There's the explanation for her attraction to you. No mysteries here.

[ThsAmericanLife]

 

The thing I worry about most is leaving her alone in her later years, but I don't know how to fix that, and she just gets very sad when I bring it up. I will have to ensure she is cared for materially and try to continue to live a healthy lifestyle I reckon.

 

.

 

Naah. You're just a user.

 

As if your money is going to make up for the years she gets to spend alone... and the years she COULD have been building with someone closer to her own age who is more likely to build a life with her.

 

If I were her, I'd be doing some serious introspection about how I wanted to spend the next 20 years. Pushing your wheelchair or pushing a baby stroller, for starters. I kind of feel sorry for her, but like I said, I'm betting she'll find her legs soon enough and kick you to the curb.

 

But you bring up a good point. If I had to choose whether an older man/younger woman arrangement or older woman/younger man arrangement was more morally sound... I'd pick the latter.

 

Women live longer than men, and so she is less likely to deprive him of companionship later in life... and the childbearing issue is also usually managed up front.

[ThsAmericanLife]

I think age gap relationships are "outlier" experiences that not eveyone can successfully accomplish. I have a male friend who is obsessed with dating women 15 years younger than him. And he has failed completely because he is hung up on her age rather than real compatibility. I do not fetishize age, but look at a man for who he is. I have dated men much older, much younger, and exactly my age. It's not a big deal really. I am simply open to what a man has to offer. I admit I am unconventional in my tastes, so I guess I attract men who are a bit different as well.

 

I never said that I wanted to date a man 15+ years younger. But I never had age as a deal breaking criteria so it was bound to happen. Similarly, I never had a height requirement in dating so I have tended to date men shorter than average height. Not a big deal. I drifted into this.

 

For what it's worth, my relationship with a younger man is incredible. But I don't attribute it to age, but rather we are an excellent fit. And that's what others can learn from. Real love grows from the interaction of two mature adults, not from pre-established criteria of the "perfect" love.

 

I believe you Cee. Good luck with your relationship!

[123321]

Naah. You're just a user.

Well nice to see the true (angry) colors come out anyway. Older women seeing a older guy and younger gal couple seems likely to bring out the rage, and I don't understand it. It is typical though.

 

She might leave, and that would be hard but that's life. I'm willing to take my chances, after all same-age marriages are a trainwreck in america already, which is one reason we will be living elsewhere.

 

I'm an in demand guy, I had to break it off with 3 other young women when I decided to get serious with this wonderful woman. The attraction is mutual and I don't see how that's a bad thing, but it does draw "American older lady rage" like clockwork.

 

 

 

 

Women live longer than men, and so she is less likely to deprive him of companionship later in life... and the childbearing issue is also usually managed up front.

Marrying a younger man shortens a womans life expectancy, and the difference isn't that large anyway, so I don't see a lot of difference here.

[ThsAmericanLife]

Well nice to see the true (angry) colors come out anyway. Older women seeing a older guy and younger gal couple seems likely to bring out the rage, and I don't understand it. It is typical though.

 

She might leave, and that would be hard but that's life. I'm willing to take my chances, after all same-age marriages are a trainwreck in america already, which is one reason we will be living elsewhere.

 

I'm an in demand guy, I had to break it off with 3 other young women when I decided to get serious with this wonderful woman. The attraction is mutual and I don't see how that's a bad thing, but it does draw "American older lady rage" like clockwork.

 

 

 

 

 

Marrying a younger man shortens a womans life expectancy, and the difference isn't that large anyway, so I don't see a lot of difference here.

 

I'm not sure anger is the right word. Disgust is more like it. That is the reaction I have to something that seems essentially, evil.

 

I can see you are quite content to suck the life out of her so you can feel important. People without empathy are born everyday. It happens.

 

I'm mostly sad for her and others like her that feel they have to settle for you. Her father must be a real piece of work. Kind of how I feel sorry for women who end up as prostitutes or working in strip clubs because they didn't get the love they needed as children.

 

The age difference is how you achieve control in the relationship... That's all. I pegged it many posts back.

 

She's got a long life ahead of her though. I'm sure she'll figure it out eventually. Hopefully she'll figure it out sooner rather than later before you use her up... or do her too much damage. But you don't care about that... and she is too young to know better. So sad.

[123321]

I'm not sure anger is the right word. Disgust is more like it. That is the reaction I have to something that seems essentially, evil.

 

I can see you are quite content to suck the life out of her so you can feel important.

Now it's just getting amusing. Please tell me more misconceived notions, I'm hanging on every word. Am i short and bald with a ****ty retail job? Do I ride a Schwinn bike to work, with tassels? Do i waste a lot of money on whiskey and porn while making up stories about my imaginary girlfriends?

 

Do tell.

[lifesamess]

well really when you think about it, whats an age if you two love each other? if you put effort into a relationship you are almost guaranteed to succeed in any relationship. btw my girlfriend and myself are in a rather sad and difficult situation and im just wondering also wheres a blog thats about 'separation through a court in an underage but consentual sex situation where the bail conditions are not to contact her by whatever means', im 17 and shes 14 and we love eachother like birds in a tree and this has been going on since march this year and quite frankly i dont know how much more i can take of it so i just joined this blog site and im now trying to find the suitable blog to talk about this problem in. many apologies for talking so off subject hope you understand

[Alma Mobley]

I’m curious: How many of you know of successful relationships where the woman is at least 5 years older?

I know of one -- mine. I am 39 and my husband just turned 29. We've been together more than five years, married for three. We had a son last year, who's now a little over one year. Still madly in love, and the sex is still AMAZING.

[bac]

I have recently split up with my b/f-now upgraded to the dating forum, although am aware this may be a rebound thing. However my dilema is i am 38 and this new guy is 27-just 27. we have only seen each other twice. He seems very keen, not interested in a casual thing (him) and wants to see what happens. I have been honest in so far of my age, my break up and not wanting to rush into anything, but i cant help feeling that whats the point as he's so young. I know there are no garentees in any relationship so not getting ahead of myself here, but i do want a future with someone one day, someone i can plan with etc, and this just feels like a non starter because of the age thing...and i dont want to waste time basically. Any opinions??

 

Young guys are great for sex only. If you are looking for a R but not for sex only, you might try him for a R but expect a lot of drama and emotional pain for yourself.