Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[thefooloftheyear]

As an older man, I somehow missed this thread and didn't scan it but will add a brief comment....

 

If you seek to date men in their 40's, you'll likely encounter far more with substantial marital and relationship experience and, generally, more experience engenders clearer perceptions of one's relationship and attraction style and adds lessons learned from relationship experiences and failures. It also can add emotional 'baggage' (gut-level reactions to certain triggers) to same.

 

As far as commitment, that's individual and not IMO relevant to age; however, if your demographic has a surplus of females, then it may be more likely that men are serial or concurrent and less likely to commit to one female. If opposite, perhaps more likely to commit, as there is more competition for females with other males.

 

From my perusal of your postings and past questions, I doubt you'd be too immature for a man in his 40's. If anything, you'd tend to be a mirror and, IMO, perhaps that's something to work on, meaning establishing a clearer and more definitive image of self so questions like this become superfluous. You'd know that a man in his 40's of a certain ilk would be perfect for you and would aggressively pursue that. Or the opposite. You'd have clarity about yourself. Who you are. What you want. Etc, etc.

 

Good luck!

 

Dont confuse this discussion with basic facts and common sense....

 

TFY

[iiiii]

The issue at hand certainly isn't about " warning " other women. Its about demonizing and bashing an entire gender because the world doesn't work the way they want it to work.

 

 

Rather than having the stance of " its not my thing, but to each there own " it is instead " how DARE you do something I don't agree with ! You are a bad person! You are a sexual predator! You have mental problems ! My way is the only way !

 

Exactly.

 

I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, but I'm fast coming to the conclusion that the women on this thread who are bashing women who dare to date someone outside their age group are the ones who probably have some serious unresolved issues.

[iiiii]

So what? Are the people with different preferences wrong?

 

Let's put a different spin on it: most people marry within their race. Are those who don't "wrong"?

 

And how about guys that date chubby girls?

 

I mean, most men prefer to date a woman with a normal or low-normal BMI - a quick google search will find multiple surveys that back that up, similar to the one that Kathy M is quoting about age gaps.

 

So does this mean that men that are dating a chubby girl are sick too, since they are "settling" for someone who is chubby, when most men would prefer a skinny girl?

 

Better go tell my friend with the cuddly wife that he's crazy to be with her, and their relationship is all a sham.

[carhill]

It appears the OP is considering dating men in their 40's and IIRC, she's early-mid thirties, so we're talking perhaps 5-10 years older. I could anticipate some serious pushback if considering dating a man my age, or older and see similar inhibitions in myself when encountering substantially younger women whom demonstrate situational attraction. Another man would be a completely different 'package' of life experience, preferences, style and maturity. It's entirely possible they could be perfect together, just as it's possible the outcome could be a disaster.

 

Most of the longest-lived marriages in my social group, generally second marriages now over 25-30 years, include men whose wives are between five and ten years younger. Hence, these men married in their early 30's for the second time to women in their early-mid 20's, some of those women also on their second M, and apparently at this late date, life, marriages. In my own case, that life marriage happened for my parents, with dad being six years older than mom when marrying for the second time, and this back in the relatively conservative early 1950's. Mom's sister married at 18 to a young man ten years older and remained so for life until he died, while other members in her family did divorce (large family) so it wasn't like divorce was a scarlet letter. Sometimes people click. Sometimes they don't, as evidenced by our divorce rates, likely predominantly between people of similar ages, like myself and my exW (she was a bit older). IMO, the only way to know is to go. Try it. If the specifics don't work out, they don't. If they do, they do.

[thefooloftheyear]

I won't respond to you trying to bring race into this discussion, but as far as preferences of older men dating much younger women, there are negative consequences for the younger woman. A much older man is not likely to see the much younger woman as an equal, and will therefore, likely have a more controlling dynamic with her. A much older man will not have the fertility or virility of a younger man. The older man will likely have more baggage (i.e., divorces, children from a failed marriage, greater amount of negative relationship experiences, alimony and child support payments to make, etc.)

 

 

So as to your question, is it wrong for a younger woman to date/marry a much older man? No, but it's not likely to be in her best interests, especially for the long term. Most large age gap relationships end after a few years. They don't have staying power, because of the incompatibility issues involved.

 

 

Is it wrong for a much older man to date or marry a much younger woman? No, but he will have compatibility issues as well, and the relationship is not likely to work out for the long term. He will be raising a second family with the younger woman. Paying for child support for his first family and his second. Eventually dealing with a wife who regrets the decision to marry a much older man. (See the link I posted previously about one woman's experience in marrying a much older man, which is common among large age gap relationships).

 

 

Major differences in reference points. Major differences in life experience. Health issues, maturity levels, etc. Large age gap relationships rarely work out for the long term. Are they wrong? No. But they are not likely to last.

 

 

You make it sound like the 93% that marry go happily ever after into the sunset...

 

You are aware of the divorce rate?.....So all of those 93% of "nicely compatible" age consistent couples cant even beat the odds on a friggin' coin flip...

 

And we are worried about comapatibility?? Huh??

 

And how ridiculous is it that all of a sudden any guy over the age of 35 cant get it up and shoots blanks? Where did this theory come from?? If anything, I am quite surprised at all of the young boys who post in the sex forum with all of their "issues"....

 

Sure....you can take the AVERAGE 25 year old and make assumptions about the AVERAGE 45 year old.....But then you are leaving out the outliers...The younger guy who has health problems and sexual dysfunction and the older guy who is completely fit and has none...

 

PS....My mother was born in the 1940's...Her mother was 51 and her father was 60 when she arrived...No, Viagra wasnt invented yet....and from what I was told, he was still going strong after 70....

 

TFY

Edited April 21, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[Anela]

I haven't dated losers: I didn't date them at all, and was only strongly interested in one who ended up being trouble. He's no longer in my life.

[William]

A previously banned member showed up, so moderation cleaned that up, along with a few other postings on the last page not addressing the thread starter and I'll direct members to that end and to refrain from threadjacking, especially into off-topic gender wars. This appears to be an issue brought forth by one member regarding her dating older men. That's the topic. Thanks!

[RedRobin]

ES, I forget how old you are, but no one is going to bat an eyelash if you date a guy 5 to 10 years older or younger.

 

The ones secure in their manhood and aging process won't be the ones ripping off their shirts at the races trying to prove to all the younger ladies they still got it. Nor will you be hearing them brag about their FWB, the younger ladies they bagged ad nauseum or how they can eff all night like a 20 yr old.

 

They wouldn't be caught dead dating someone even remotely close to their daughters age.

 

Just a few observations from the field.

Edited April 22, 2014 by RedRobin

[Imported]

OP, go for the guy you feel attracted to. The one that makes your pussy lips wet, your heart beat faster and everytime you see him, you smile and feel warmth. Get to know him, see what kind of a person he is and reassess your attraction. Trust, respect, devotion to each other? It should all be there.

 

If you look at some old guy and think....'yuck! old fat bald guy with shrivaled up ballsack!!' . Well, that is probably not the guy for you.

 

If you look at some young guy and think...'yuck! fat pimply kid sure likes to eat McDonalds. Probably needs to loose 100lbs to see his penis without a mirror'. That's probably not the guy for you either.

 

I am sure you will or have already met older men that are physically attractive, compared to men of any age. One thing I would like to point out is that they are far more likely to stay in shape for ever and ever (or death), while lots of the mid to late 20 year olds will be getting fat shortly after 30. Not all of course.

[mario_C]

Crap, I can't believe I'm back here. I was just outside enjoying the sunshine! And this is off-topic. Sorry ES.

It's quite a train wreck, isn't it? Well, that's why they invented mobile devices...Enjoy the show!

[Radu]

I brought that up too and no one seemed to want to address that.

 

 

I figured the go to defense would be " oh, well there is something damaged about these women. "

 

Mysoginistic pig, that would imply they dance of their own volition, which is not right.

 

Most likely they are impressionable from their abuse in life and these older pigs are taking advantage of that by using super-special-magical-voodoo powers.

[Useless Endeavors]

OP, go for the guy you feel attracted to. The one that makes your pussy lips wet, your heart beat faster and everytime you see him, you smile and feel warmth. Get to know him, see what kind of a person he is and reassess your attraction. Trust, respect, devotion to each other? It should all be there.

 

If you look at some old guy and think....'yuck! old fat bald guy with shrivaled up ballsack!!' . Well, that is probably not the guy for you.

 

If you look at some young guy and think...'yuck! fat pimply kid sure likes to eat McDonalds. Probably needs to loose 100lbs to see his penis without a mirror'. That's probably not the guy for you either.

 

I am sure you will or have already met older men that are physically attractive, compared to men of any age. One thing I would like to point out is that they are far more likely to stay in shape for ever and ever (or death), while lots of the mid to late 20 year olds will be getting fat shortly after 30. Not all of course.

 

'Respect' is a word that is absent in their dictionaries for themselves and for others.

[Radu]

I won't respond to you trying to bring race into this discussion, but as far as preferences of older men dating much younger women, there are negative consequences for the younger woman. A much older man is not likely to see the much younger woman as an equal, and will therefore, likely have a more controlling dynamic with her. A much older man will not have the fertility or virility of a younger man. The older man will likely have more baggage (i.e., divorces, children from a failed marriage, greater amount of negative relationship experiences, alimony and child support payments to make, etc.)

It was a perfectly valid comparison, it might as well have been about cars.

Kenly said it best though imho, the difference between 'to each their own' to 'do what agrees with me or else'.

 

Why not would a man see a younger woman as an equal ?

What would prevent him from seeing her as such, can you give examples pls ?

 

I would like to know if i'm a ctrolling abusive freak with likely baggage that would harm poor innocent flowers.

 

So as to your question, is it wrong for a younger woman to date/marry a much older man? No, but it's not likely to be in her best interests, especially for the long term. Most large age gap relationships end after a few years. They don't have staying power, because of the incompatibility issues involved.

I like most, it's a fantastic qualifier.

It implies that close-to-all situations of the type end up like this.

 

Obviously this is easily quantifiable, especially considering that the vast majority of relationships [in the modern age] don't last.

 

Personally i believe there's another much simpler explanation for this phenomena [older man - younger woman relationship that lasts little], one that is invisible to the club that focuses on demonizing the other gender.

 

 

Is it wrong for a much older man to date or marry a much younger woman? No, but he will have compatibility issues as well, and the relationship is not likely to work out for the long term. He will be raising a second family with the younger woman. Paying for child support for his first family and his second. Eventually dealing with a wife who regrets the decision to marry a much older man. (See the link I posted previously about one woman's experience in marrying a much older man, which is common among large age gap relationships).

First of all, what makes you think they will compatibility issues, just because there is an age difference.

Second, why is it a certain thing that he already has a family, from a previous relationship.

To me it sounds like a smaller subset of the implied subjects in the thread [older man- younger woman couples], that has to satisfy not 1 but 2 conditions, and which is brought at the forefront as an example for all.

 

As for the link, you said a mouthfull when referencing ... it's a 1 woman's opinion.

 

 

 

Major differences in reference points. Major differences in life experience. Health issues, maturity levels, etc. Large age gap relationships rarely work out for the long term. Are they wrong? No. But they are not likely to last.

Health issues, i agree on that ... it's very hard to fight nature in regards to it.

 

------ Here's what i personally think [since i was more sarcastic than not in the above].

 

Discounting abusers and manipulators, most men and women who go for a younger/older partner do so because of a number of issues :

 

Men :

- it's well known that men don't mature [psychologically] as fast as women do.

Marriage, stability, family, all of these come to us later in life.

Early 20's guys are in many cases immature, and the modern age has done nothing but enhance that, by giving them the social support to do nothing or be substandard at around that age.

In the past, get a job after HS, responsability, marriage, support a family ... you had no time to be a part of the XBOX generation, to not mention the generation that fought in WW2 [or 1].

- in the cases where men are not horribly immature for their age, men have to deal with the need to be providers, even in this modern age.

We cannot divorce this role of ours, even if the other half works [and makes good money]; in the event that children come or something happens, as a man you are the one most likely to continue working, so you have to have a career, a purpose in life.

Add to this the fact that in most cases, women find us more attractive if we work, and that role is there to stay.

 

Women :

- they are generally more relationship driven early on, and this leads to an excedent of women at certain ages who are ready to settle down versus men who are ready to do the same.

This means they have to look either down [highly unlikely as they tend to be even more immature], or up.

I believe this is what causes most of the small differences in age between men and women, with men being older than women.

Up to about 5yrs or so, maybe even towards 10 but it starts to lower in terms of % between 5 and 10.

- some women may have what is called 'daddy issues' or just plain a preference for older men.

If one is to listen to the opinions of certain *ahem ... hens, it would mean that they are either messed up [abused], or weak and in need of rescuing ... maybe cult deprogramming might work here.

While some of the women who do have this preference may grow out of it, a good number remain with them.

- lastly, it could be that for various reasons [too numerous to write], a younger woman might find herself being attracted to an older man [and viceversa], so a relationship flourishes.

 

PS: Every so often, the subject of older woman, younger man pops up.

I find it weird that the same individuals who claim that the younger party in this thread is manipulated is also suspiciously absent in those threads ... so much for 'equality'.

[Babolat]

So does this mean that men that are dating a chubby girl are sick too, since they are "settling" for someone who is chubby, when most men would prefer a skinny girl?

No, per KathyM and RR, the girls are sick and the men are taking advantage of them, excuse me, ALL men are. And lets not say skinny, cause skiiny girls usually have issues, to, right? Let's say "fit" or "thin" girls, because they are so much "healthier".

 

I think the theme, the message, from RR and KathyM is men simply cannot date woman who are dysfunctional, period. And it's up to us men to figure out real darn quick if they are dysfunctional, and if they are leave them alone as we are predators if we continue to "persue" them while they unknowingly allow themselves to be vulnerable, weak meek, trustworthy, etc. Should these woman have the same relationship desires as woman who are not dysfunctional, we as men are evil for trying to date them.

Edited April 22, 2014 by Babolat

[RonaldS]

OK, here's what I did. I took a few minutes last night to look at the ages of my Tinder matches to get some sort of idea of what age range women prefer.

 

A quick note on my selection process. I'm in the middle of a large metro area, so most women are educated professionals, artists, performers, etc. In other words, they're not spending their days in their trailers with their 3 kids watching Jerry Springer. I'm pretty physically picky about who I 'like' on Tinder, so the women are generally accepted to be 7s and up (my basis for 'liking' is, would I sleep with this woman if I were sober?).

 

In other words, I'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.

 

I'm a 39 year old male. My age range on Tinder is 24-42. My match breakdown is as follows:

 

570 matches

 

24-28 = 135

28-33 = 276

33-42 = 159

 

Hmmmm....72% of my matches are 6 or more years younger than me. I'm no mathematician, but that seems like a majority, and not a slim one either. Doesn't really line up with what OKC and a lot if people in this thread are saying, does it?

Edited April 22, 2014 by RonaldS

[Babolat]

OK, here's what I did. I took a few minutes last night to look at the ages of my Tinder matches to get some sort of idea of what age range women prefer.

 

A quick note on my selection process. I'm in the middle of a large metro area, so most women are educated professionals, artists, performers, etc. In other words, they're not spending their days in their trailers with their 3 kids watching Jerry Springer. I'm pretty physically picky about who I 'like' on Tinder, so the women are generally accepted to be 7s and up (my basis for 'liking' is, would I sleep with this woman if I were sober?).

 

In other words, I'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.

 

I'm a 39 year old male. My age range on Tinder is 24-42. My match breakdown is as follows:

 

570 matches

 

24-28 = 135

28-33 = 276

33-42 = 159

 

Hmmmm....72% of my matches are 6 or more years younger than me. I'm no mathematician, but that seems like a majority, and not a slim one either. Doesn't really line up with what OKC and a lot if people in this thread are saying, does it?

 

I took two years of Statistics in college, I'm an Economics and Psychology major (RR and KathM, betcha did not know that, huh?). My career is in IT working with data, numbers and reports, all day. Data in is as good as data out and anyone, anyone can play with the #'s; massage them, scrub them, manipulate them, to get their desired results. And, if the algorithms are not written correctly, people can make really bad decisions off of really bad, reports.

 

I've never been on Tinder. I have been on OKCupid. I would be surprised to go back onto OKCupid and see that 72% of 24 year old woman have their range as high as 39. I don't know anything about Tinder, other than what I have learned here and from one of my "older" female friends. I understand it's more of a hook up site, versus a relationship site. Take that into consideration when looking at your data.

[PinkInTheLimo]

OK, here's what I did. I took a few minutes last night to look at the ages of my Tinder matches to get some sort of idea of what age range women prefer.

 

A quick note on my selection process. I'm in the middle of a large metro area, so most women are educated professionals, artists, performers, etc. In other words, they're not spending their days in their trailers with their 3 kids watching Jerry Springer. I'm pretty physically picky about who I 'like' on Tinder, so the women are generally accepted to be 7s and up (my basis for 'liking' is, would I sleep with this woman if I were sober?).

 

In other words, I'm not scraping the bottom of the barrel.

 

I'm a 39 year old male. My age range on Tinder is 24-42. My match breakdown is as follows:

 

 

570 matches

 

24-28 = 135

28-33 = 276

33-42 = 159

 

Hmmmm....72% of my matches are 6 or more years younger than me. I'm no mathematician, but that seems like a majority, and not a slim one either. Doesn't really line up with what OKC and a lot if people in this thread are saying, does it?

 

I think that at 39 you should have grown out of the phase where you evaluate a woman's looks with a number.

In any case, it's not because you want to sleep with them that they want to sleep with you.

When I was 30 I saw a guy of 39 as "old".

[RonaldS]

I think that at 39 you should have grown out of the phase where you evaluate a woman's looks with a number.

In any case, it's not because you want to sleep with them that they want to sleep with you.

When I was 30 I saw a guy of 39 as "old".

 

Yes, you're right. Let me make intrinsic evaluations of a woman's character and essence of being based on nothing but 5 pictures. How shallow of me. Get real.

 

But at least you aren't doing essentially the same thing by labeling a guy 9 years older than you as 'old'. Oh wait....you are.

[RonaldS]

I took two years of Statistics in college, I'm an Economics and Psychology major (RR and KathM, betcha did not know that, huh?). My career is in IT working with data, numbers and reports, all day. Data in is as good as data out and anyone, anyone can play with the #'s; massage them, scrub them, manipulate them, to get their desired results. And, if the algorithms are not written correctly, people can make really bad decisions off of really bad, reports.

 

I've never been on Tinder. I have been on OKCupid. I would be surprised to go back onto OKCupid and see that 72% of 24 year old woman have their range as high as 39. I don't know anything about Tinder, other than what I have learned here and from one of my "older" female friends. I understand it's more of a hook up site, versus a relationship site. Take that into consideration when looking at your data.

 

I haven't done a single thing to manipulate the data. I counted and then calculated. No analysis. Just, here are the numbers.

 

Also, the women on Tinder are of significantly higher quality on average than the women on OKC. That's a generally accepted fact.

 

So, I'm 'old', but 72% of my matches are more than 6 years younger than me. To whatever analysis of those raw numbers you wish, and draw whatever conclusion you wish to. The numbers are the numbers.

[PinkInTheLimo]

Yes, you're right. Let me make intrinsic evaluations of a woman's character and essence of being based on nothing but 5 pictures. How shallow of me. Get real.

 

But at least you aren't doing essentially the same thing by labeling a guy 9 years older than you as 'old'. Oh wait....you are.

 

- A dating profile contains pictures as well as text. Some people actually read that text.

 

- Don't compare a woman who does not want an older guy with a guy who only wants younger women. The women who don't want an older guy don't mind a guy their own age and are not looking for someone younger. So no, I am not doing the same thing.

[RonaldS]

- A dating profile contains pictures as well as text. Some people actually read that text.

 

- Don't compare a woman who does not want an older guy with a guy who only wants younger women. The women who don't want an older guy don't mind a guy their own age and are not looking for someone younger. So no, I am not doing the same thing.

 

Tinder profiles typically have little, if any, text.

 

Secondly, you made a judgement of me for categorizing superficially, and then turned right around and categorized me superficially. How do you not see that? I categorized using an arbitrary number, you categorized using an arbitrary number.

 

I would also add that that while you may have thought of a 39 guy as 'old', I guarantee that unless I had told you I was 39, you never would have guessed I was that old or anywhere close to that.

Edited April 22, 2014 by RonaldS

[Babolat]

I haven't done a single thing to manipulate the data. I counted and then calculated. No analysis. Just, here are the numbers.

 

Also, the women on Tinder are of significantly higher quality on average than the women on OKC. That's a generally accepted fact.

 

So, I'm 'old', but 72% of my matches are more than 6 years younger than me. To whatever analysis of those raw numbers you wish, and draw whatever conclusion you wish to. The numbers are the numbers.

Relax my friend, I'm not bashing you like 3-4 others here are.

 

I was not suggesting anything about your data. I was simply making a general point, observation, about data. How many times do we hear on the TV, the radio, that "A recent study suggests that.....". The data in is only as good as the data out. And the results are only as godd as the algorithms written to review that data.

 

I do not know how you define "quality" so I cannot comment on one sites quality over the other. What I was suggesting, from my limited exposure to Tinder (all words, not experience with it) compared to my personal experience with OKCupid is, the folks on OKCupid appear to be relationship minded, at least the ones I communicated with were. While, from what I read and hear, Tinder is more of a hook up site.

[Babolat]

Tinder profiles typically have little, if any, text.

This to me suggests Tinder then is more of a hookup site. And, I think your numbers support that a younger woman is Okay hooking up with an older man, while a younger woman looking for a relationship, KathyMs OKCupid numbers, is looking for someone closer to their own age.

 

Just a guess though.

[serial muse]

I haven't done a single thing to manipulate the data. I counted and then calculated. No analysis. Just, here are the numbers.

 

Also, the women on Tinder are of significantly higher quality on average than the women on OKC. That's a generally accepted fact.

 

So, I'm 'old', but 72% of my matches are more than 6 years younger than me. To whatever analysis of those raw numbers you wish, and draw whatever conclusion you wish to. The numbers are the numbers.

 

I'm not hugely interested in the topic, but I am interested in math, and I feel compelled to point out here that you've really skewed your numbers by setting the older limit at 42 (+3) and the younger at 24 (-15). Just saying.

 

Try setting your upper limit at +15 = 54 and then report back.

 

Although it's also true that the vast majority of people on Tinder will be under 40 anyway. So there's that too. If we're going to drag statistics in here.

[RonaldS]

This to me suggests Tinder then is more of a hookup site. And, I think your numbers support that a younger woman is Okay hooking up with an older man, while a younger woman looking for a relationship, KathyMs OKCupid numbers, is looking for someone closer to their own age.

 

Just a guess though.

 

Well, without get getting into a big Tinder discussion....I think most women on Tinder are on there to meet people. I was on OKC a few years ago, and that was just as much of a hook-up site.

 

I have not met up with very many women on Tinder, but those that I have met up with have been standard dating situations. In other words, had I wanted to pursue relationships with these women, that was an option.