Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[Iguanna]

Can you explain why the 23 year old women I listed above dated guys who were WORSE partners?

 

I can explain but I'm sure you won't accept the explanation or believe it. I did it too. I dated the jerks and the abusers when I was in my 20s. Not out of choice, but out of ignorance, bad luck and I guess also insecurity. Ignorance cause I didn't know then that men can lie, cheat, abuse a woman they claim to love. My mother is such an honest and pure person so I never knew that people can be mean sometimes. Bad luck cause I didn't happen to meet a good guy in my 20s, like my best friend from school whose friend introduced her her bf's cousin when we were 18 and he was the best guy I knew by then. She was lucky. The man of her dreams appeared in front of her without her even trying. After many years she married him and they have a kid together and they are happy. I was not that lucky. And insecurity because I didn't use to believe in myself, that a good guy would ever want me. I used to think this is what I deserve, the jerks and the abusers. If I could have the same experience, knowledge and wisdom then as I have now that I'm 32, I assure you with all my heart that I would lose zero time for these losers.

[sillyanswer]

I'll put up a few drawbacks with dating someone substantially younger (15+ years younger):

 

That's a pretty good list, Kathy.

 

Of course, not all age-gap dating is done with children and family and marriage in mind, but it's still worth thinking about. (Not all dating, even when there's no age-gap, is done with children and family and marriage in mind, either, and that's fine, too.)

 

 

4. What happens when that younger wife is no longer attracted to you? When she starts thinking you are too old and not a match for her? Will she then divorce you for someone younger because she no longer considers you an attractive spouse, and thinks you look too much older than her now?

 

As for this point, I see it two ways. Firstly, same-age partners (of either sex) sometimes stop being attracted as they age... this isn't exclusive to age-gap partners (but it's also not guaranteed either, so your use of "when" in the first question is presumptuous). Secondly (and this is contrary to my first point) I generally think that age gaps have less significance as people get older.

 

Still, you raised some good points that people who are considering embarking on age-gap dating should consider. It's better that people go into it with their eyes open.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I can explain but I'm sure you won't accept the explanation or believe it. I did it too. I dated the jerks and the abusers when I was in my 20s. Not out of choice, but out of ignorance, bad luck and I guess also insecurity. Ignorance cause I didn't know then that men can lie, cheat, abuse a woman they claim to love. My mother is such an honest and pure person so I never knew that people can be mean sometimes. Bad luck cause I didn't happen to meet a good guy in my 20s, like my best friend from school whose friend introduced her her bf's cousin when we were 18 and he was the best guy I knew by then. She was lucky. The man of her dreams appeared in front of her without her even trying. After many years she married him and they have a kid together and they are happy. I was not that lucky. And insecurity because I didn't use to believe in myself, that a good guy would ever want me. I used to think this is what I deserve, the jerks and the abusers. If I could have the same experience, knowledge and wisdom then as I have now that I'm 32, I assure you with all my heart that I would lose zero time for these losers.

 

Well said, Iguanna. Contrary to what many guys here seem to believe a significant number of young women don't spend their 20ies being promiscuous and rejecting good men but trying to find a good guy only to encounter some serious disappointments.

 

We really are not so stupid that we would have rejected a good man if we would have met one.

[thefooloftheyear]

Nowhere I am pretending that I am so special. But also not of so little value that I should date men who are a lot older than me.

 

It's the men who want at all costs a younger woman who think they are so special... Just read this thread from A to Z and you will see that.

 

The only point I am trying to make is that you claim to be "idealistic", so you obviously have requirements...Maybe 6' plus...more than 100K income, fit...whatever...If a 47 year old happened to "click" with a 34 year old, because she meets all of his "requirements", then how is it any different from your requirements/needs?

 

I had dinner with a client of mine who is a successful attorney...Good looking guy, fit, well dressed, good earner..etc..His wife,(also a successful attorney) is around 30 years old..He's been with her for around 4 years..She is very attractive, has her own law firm and according to him, makes more than he does..So she obviously doesnt need him..Ive been in their company numerous times....I dont see anything thats any different than any other couple..

 

Is it something i would do? No..But I dont see anything that says they have a more of a chance of failure than the other 93% of people that cant even beat the odds on a coin flip...*shrug*

 

TFY

[PinkInTheLimo]

Secondly (and this is contrary to my first point) I generally think that age gaps have less significance as people get older.

 

That's not true. My colleague who married a guy of 52 when she was 30 can testify that. Now in her fifties, her husband is in his late seventies and has health problems. They basically lead seperate lives. She still works, he is retired and wants to boss her around when he is at home. She goes on holiday with friends because he cannot travel because of his health problems.

 

The impact of an age gap becomes bigger as you age. The difference between a 30 and a 40 year old is smaller than between a 70 and a 80 year old, esp. when it is the man who is the older (men die earlier remember).

 

A smart woman knows that getting together with an older man is going to decrease the quality of her life, esp. in the later years. She won't buy it.

[PinkInTheLimo]

The only point I am trying to make is that you claim to be "idealistic", so you obviously have requirements...Maybe 6' plus...more than 100K income, fit...whatever...If a 47 year old happened to "click" with a 34 year old, because she meets all of his "requirements", then how is it any different from your requirements/needs?

 

The thing is that most 47 year old men won't meet the requirement of a 34 year old woman.

When I was 34 I considered a man of 47 old and if he was pursuing me I considered him a creep. I still wanted children at that age and did not want them with a guy older than 40.

 

Some women don't mind an older man. I would want to know how they will feel about having an older partner when they are 60. A lot of women do mind and the older guys won't get these women.

[thefooloftheyear]

The thing is that most 47 year old men won't meet the requirement of a 34 year old woman.

When I was 34 I considered a man of 47 old and if he was pursuing me I considered him a creep. I still wanted children at that age and did not want them with a guy older than 40.

 

Some women don't mind an older man. I would want to know how they will feel about having an older partner when they are 60. A lot of women do mind and the older guys won't get these women.

 

Key words here....

 

Without sounding like a dick, any of my daughters friends fathers(all in their 30's) would likiely give a vital body part to have the physique that I do...And none of them could keep up with me in any test of physical prowess..When we go on vacation...I am the only father playing with the kids...One guy has a bum knee...The other one is such a lard ass that he might have a heart attack at the thought of it...And 20 years from now, Ill still be ahead of all of them..Sure, Ill age...but so will they...

 

No one is equal...All blondes arent dumbasses...Typecasting doesnt work here.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for....

 

TFY

[sillyanswer]

That's not true. My colleague who married a guy of 52 when she was 30 can testify that. Now in her fifties, her husband is in his late seventies and has health problems.

 

Ahh. I see what you're saying. I was thinking more of the differences between age gaps for young adults vs age gaps at around my age (begins with a 4)... where I think that age gaps for late teens/early 20s are a bigger issue than they are for people in their 30s/40s. For example, I wouldn't have dreamed of dating a 21 year old woman when I was 18, nor an 18 year old woman when I was 21, because that seemed like a huge gap, but a 3 year gap at my age seems like nothing.

 

Perhaps, taking into account what you're saying, the picture is that age gaps start out as a big issue and become smaller before becoming a big issue again.

[Keenly]

Well said, Iguanna. Contrary to what many guys here seem to believe a significant number of young women don't spend their 20ies being promiscuous and rejecting good men but trying to find a good guy only to encounter some serious disappointments.

 

We really are not so stupid that we would have rejected a good man if we would have met one.

 

Your post betrays every almost every experience with 18-24 year old women I've ever had.

[central]

For a serious relationship, IMO that maximum age gap should be about 10 years. Age gaps matter most when one is very young (early 20's) or very old (beyond mid-60s). In your 30s to 50s, the age gap matters very little, it seems, and the relationship can be normal and happy in every aspect.

 

The two age extremes are where problems usually arise, I think. At the young end, the choice to have children or not is a big issue, and there can also be a disparity in maturity that can create problems. At the older end, one is retiring or perhaps facing significant health issues and the younger person carries the burden of still working or caring for an older spouse when they should be looking forward to an active retirement themselves.

 

Of course, some people make it work even so.

 

Personally, if the gap is over 10 years, I'm far more likely to engage only in casual dating for fun, or a FWB scenario. My last FWB lasted 2 years, and she was 27 years younger than me. She picked me - I don't chase after women so much younger, but am not opposed to being caught! She happens to like older men, and had been married to a man 30 years older than her before he passed away.

[hotpotato]

I struggle to see why it's so surprising to some posters that youth is attractive.

 

It's not. Guys just need to realize they are not nearly as attractive to young women as they think.

 

There are old, fat, bald, ugly, broke, but still thinks he should have a young'n.

[hotpotato]

Your post betrays every almost every experience with 18-24 year old women I've ever had.

 

Most women I know in that age bracket are married or dating someone. There are girls my age who have been married for 5 or more years....And they're not married to old men either.

[Keenly]

Most women I know in that age bracket are married or dating someone. There are girls my age who have been married for 5 or more years....And they're not married to old men either.

 

Most girls you know arr MARRIED by that age?

 

 

Yeah.... good luck with that. You don't even know yourself at that age, how could you know another person.

[sillyanswer]

It's not. Guys just need to realize they are not nearly as attractive to young women as they think.

 

There are old, fat, bald, ugly, broke, but still thinks he should have a young'n.

 

If the old fat bald ugly broke guy can find a date, then good for him! If he can't then tough luck - life isn't always fair. He can either stick to his guns and keep on looking, or change what he's looking for. Same goes for anyone else who is dateless - keep trying what you're trying or change what you're doing. I wouldn't recommend anyone dates people they don't find attractive, though.

 

I really don't see what all the fuss is about.

[hotpotato]

Most girls you know arr MARRIED by that age?

 

 

Yeah.... good luck with that. You don't even know yourself at that age, how could you know another person.

 

Yep! People get hitched early. Ones who are not married are engaged or in a ling term relationship.

 

Would you rather them sleep around? You complain about young girls sleeping around and then are aghast that young girls get married. What exactly do you want them to do?

[hotpotato]

If the old fat bald ugly broke guy can find a date, then good for him! If he can't then tough luck - life isn't always fair. He can either stick to his guns and keep on looking, or change what he's looking for. Same goes for anyone else who is dateless - keep trying what you're trying or change what you're doing. I wouldn't recommend anyone dates people they don't find attractive, though.

 

I really don't see what all the fuss is about.

 

He can stick to his guns, but hes gonna have a hard time. I have had men who were 70 and werent rich try to hit on me. Even guys in their 50s get that midfle aged spread and saggy skin that makes them unappealing to 20somethings unless he has money.

[Keenly]

Yep! People get hitched early. Ones who are not married are engaged or in a ling term relationship.

 

Would you rather them sleep around? You complain about young girls sleeping around and then are aghast that young girls get married. What exactly do you want them to do?

 

 

When have I ever complained about young girls sleeping around? I think you have me confused with some one else. I don't care what they do, as long as they are not hurting me when they do it.

[hotpotato]

When have I ever complained about young girls sleeping around? I think you have me confused with some one else. I don't care what they do, as long as they are not hurting me when they do it.

 

Ok, then your beliefs about what 20 somethings do isnt necessarily true. Or maybe there is more truth to it in Cali.

[RonaldS]

Most women I know in that age bracket are married or dating someone. There are girls my age who have been married for 5 or more years....And they're not married to old men either.

 

And here we have the give-away.

 

If most of the 18-24 year old women you know are married or on their way, that's a small-town, socially conservative town or economically depressed town dynamic. Those are the areas where 18 year olds are getting married. So, if you're in a small town, there probably is very little in the way of attractive, fit and successful mid-30s and up men who are available, and those would be the older men who would typically be dating women 6+ years younger.

 

(Actually, that was the 2nd give away....the 1st was when you stated that you shop at Walmart)

 

Hotpotato, your frame of reference is probably very limited. Try hanging out in my city for a few. You would be shocked at the number of 40 year old + guys that can essentially get any woman they want. And not just sugar babies. I'm talking successful, financially independent women. It's a totally different world.

 

I know how it is in small towns. If there is a good looking, successful older man, he pretty much IS married. He was locked down long ago, and if his life is rooted in that small town, it's unlikely he is going to a) want to face the societal wrath of leaving his marriage, b) likely to find a huge pool of women (younger or otherwise) to date, or c) even want to be a single guy in that area, but he would be stuck there because of kids/family/work, so he wouldn't be likely to uproot and move someplace more conducive to being single later in life.

 

It's very, very different in the city. There are tons of single people in every age bracket, and attractive, fit and successful older guys can date women 10+ years younger than them all day.

Edited April 29, 2014 by RonaldS

[PinkInTheLimo]

Key words here....

 

Without sounding like a dick, any of my daughters friends fathers(all in their 30's) would likiely give a vital body part to have the physique that I do...And none of them could keep up with me in any test of physical prowess..When we go on vacation...I am the only father playing with the kids...One guy has a bum knee...The other one is such a lard ass that he might have a heart attack at the thought of it...And 20 years from now, Ill still be ahead of all of them..Sure, Ill age...but so will they...

 

No one is equal...All blondes arent dumbasses...Typecasting doesnt work here.

 

I hope you find what you are looking for....

 

TFY

 

TFY, there starts the bragging again.

 

I don't care in what shape a 10 to 15 year older guy is. He is still a lot older than me. I don't like the idea and a future of being stuck with a very old man when I am still reasonably fit and active.

 

Will I hope what I am looking for? No idea but I won't settle for an older man ever.

[hotpotato]

And here we have the give-away.

 

If most of the 18-24 year old women you know are married or on their way, that's a small-town, socially conservative town or economically depressed town dynamic. Those are the areas where 18 year olds are getting married. So, if you're in a small town, there probably is very little in the way of attractive, fit and successful mid-30s and up men who are available, and those would be the older men who would typically be dating women 6+ years younger.

 

(Actually, that was the 2nd give away....the 1st was when you stated that you shop at Walmart)

 

Hotpotato, your frame of reference is probably very limited. Try hanging out in my city for a few. You would be shocked at the number of 40 year old + guys that can essentially get any woman they want. And not just sugar babies. I'm talking successful, financially independent women. It's a totally different world.

 

I know how it is in small towns. If there is a good looking, successful older man, he pretty much IS married. He was locked down long ago, and if his life is rooted in that small town, it's unlikely he is going to a) want to face the societal wrath of leaving his marriage, b) likely to find a huge pool of women (younger or otherwise) to date, or c) even want to be a single guy in that area, but he would be stuck there because of kids/family/work, so he wouldn't be likely to uproot and move someplace more conducive to being single later in life.

 

It's very, very different in the city. There are tons of single people in every age bracket, and attractive, fit and successful older guys can date women 10+ years younger than them all day.

 

My town is small, but not that small.

My town is situated between 2 military bases filled with older guys with higher rank and good pay, yet girls still go for mostly younger guys.

 

Yes, I do shop at Walmart. It's 5 minutes away, and Whole foods is 2 hours away...

 

I've been to "the city" and couple of times (NOLA, Las Vegas, and NY) and I must have missed all the sex hot guys. The guy I was talking about earlier lived in Manhattan, but he's definitely not representative of what I've seen. I've traveled and dated all kinds of people. Dont assume my world view is "limited."

 

I guess for the millionth time, 10 years isn't a big age gap imo, and 6 years definitely isn't. There are also a few older men relative to the general population that are hot, but that isn't all or most of then by a long shot, even in the city!

 

You might look at them and see attractiveness, but that doesn't mean younger women will.

[thefooloftheyear]

TFY, there starts the bragging again.

 

I don't care in what shape a 10 to 15 year older guy is. He is still a lot older than me. I don't like the idea and a future of being stuck with a very old man when I am still reasonably fit and active.

 

Will I hope what I am looking for? No idea but I won't settle for an older man ever.

 

Its not about bragging, sweetheart....Just understand that not everyone is the same...

 

Here...Take a look at this 48 year old man(black guy)...Forget 10 years younger, Do you think anyone even half his age is going to put more on the table physically??

 

 

You probably havent been with anyone so physical, even if you went all the way back to your junior prom..be honest...

 

Have your reasons for not wanting older, and thats fine..But dont delude yourself into thinking that all older guys are some decrepit old fools...

 

You can pick a 35 year old guy tomorrow that would be smoked by a 55 year old guy....Yes, in the bedroom as well....

 

TFY

[hotpotato]

I live close to the city of NOLA, which is very liberal. I must have missed all the hot 30 and 40 something guys.

 

Ronald S is trying to make me sound like some backwoods hick.

Wait, what's that I hear, banjos???

[hotpotato]

Its not about bragging, sweetheart....Just understand that not everyone is the same...

 

Here...Take a look at this 48 year old man(black guy)...Forget 10 years younger, Do you think anyone even half his age is going to put more on the table physically??

 

 

You probably havent been with anyone so physical, even if you went all the way back to your junior prom..be honest...

 

Have your reasons for not wanting older, and thats fine..But dont delude yourself into thinking that all older guys are some decrepit old fools...

 

You can pick a 35 year old guy tomorrow that would be smoked by a 55 year old guy....Yes, in the bedroom as well....

 

TFY

 

As if average 48 year old dude is in the octagon...

[PinkInTheLimo]

Here...Take a look at this 48 year old man(black guy)...Forget 10 years younger, Do you think anyone even half his age is going to put more on the table physically??

 

 

You probably havent been with anyone so physical, even if you went all the way back to your junior prom..be honest...

 

I did not even have a look at this because... I don't care! You keep going on about this because you want to be better than other men, I don't give a fiddling fart.

 

Attraction is and has always been about a lot more than looks. Being smart and street wise is more important to me than having a perfect body, although I like someone who is a bit sporty like myself.

Edited April 29, 2014 by PinkInTheLimo