Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[FitChick]

I think it's rare for the older woman/younger man combo to work long-term. It certainly does, but it's rare, and certainly rarer than older man/younger woman.

That's because until recently it wasn't accepted in society. Fortunately, that is changing, especially as fewer people these days want kids. It works out well if you consider the dangers of overpopulation.

[tb24]

On Saturday night I met a 17 year old girl. I'm 26. I know, I know, that's a big gap! Usually I wouldn't have even started talking to someone so young but I was introduced to her by her Mother who's a friend of a friend and I know her a bit. Her mother really likes me (She always compliments me whenever I see her telling me how lovely/pretty I am) Anyway, she introduced me to her daughter as "This is tb24, isn't he gorgeous?"

 

Anyway, we were at a small local club night- the kind of place where everyone knows everyone else so her mum was off chatting to people and I got talking to the girl. We got on well and ended up kissing :$ I know, probably not the greatest thing to have done... I obviously like her but the age gap is slightly worrying.

 

I don't know whether her mum was actively trying to set us up by leaving us alone together.. but I do know that she likes me so probably wouldn't have an issue despite our age gap so that makes me feel a bit better about it.

 

Do you think her mum was intentionally trying to set us up? I'd really like to see her again but I don't know how people around me would react if I was dating a 17 year old :-\

[SmileFace]

On Saturday night I met a 17 year old girl. I'm 26. I know, I know, that's a big gap! Usually I wouldn't have even started talking to someone so young but I was introduced to her by her Mother who's a friend of a friend and I know her a bit. Her mother really likes me (She always compliments me whenever I see her telling me how lovely/pretty I am) Anyway, she introduced me to her daughter as "This is tb24, isn't he gorgeous?"

 

Anyway, we were at a small local club night- the kind of place where everyone knows everyone else so her mum was off chatting to people and I got talking to the girl. We got on well and ended up kissing :$ I know, probably not the greatest thing to have done... I obviously like her but the age gap is slightly worrying.

 

I don't know whether her mum was actively trying to set us up by leaving us alone together.. but I do know that she likes me so probably wouldn't have an issue despite our age gap so that makes me feel a bit better about it.

 

Do you think her mum was intentionally trying to set us up? I'd really like to see her again but I don't know how people around me would react if I was dating a 17 year old :-\

 

Where are you career wise?

Are you in school, done with school?

Do you have a job or career?

 

It isn't that age that is the general problem but dating someone who is in a different stage of life.

 

Are you still in a partying faze? Can you deal with her out partying when she actually gets to the age?

Edited December 10, 2012 by SmileFace

[FitChick]

Isn't it illegal to have sex with a girl under 18? Perhaps the laws vary from state to state. I'd find out if I were you.

 

Even if it is legal, young girls are very fertile and you don't want to be trapped into marriage or paying $200K in child support for the next eighteen years.

[Juventa2012]

That guy might date you and might really like you, but getting him to marry you might be much more difficult than you think. You would almost need to look very young and be very hot for your age and would need to be much more attractive than what he is used to dating.

'

I'm sort of in a relationship like that right now. Even though our age gap is not very large, he is 39 I'm 43. Our relationship has been "rocky" for lack of a better word, but all in all he treats me well and we are very compatible in and out of the bedroom. This is so bad--My friends have said to me that we look like "Beauty and the Beast".

[123321]

My current GF is early 20s and I'm middle 40s. Same goes for the last few GF, no problems really, depending on what you call problems but ... teenagers are often an issue all their own outside the gap.

[dasein]

Do you think her mum was intentionally trying to set us up? I'd really like to see her again but I don't know how people around me would react if I was dating a 17 year old :-\

 

They may not react too well, but who knows about the mother? I went to a party recently where everyone there, parents, friends were pressuring me to talk to and dance with a very nice, attractive 20 y.o. girl there saying she needs to meet men, despite I'm nearly 20 years older than her and there were plenty of younger men there. Had fun, didn't ask for the number, maybe they just wanted her to meet a different -type- of man than what she was bringing home, not necessarily wanting me to hit on her myself. You will need more data to know for sure.

[FitChick]

Fashionistas will know Vivienne Westwood, the eccentric British punk clothing designer. It seems she has been happily married for twenty years to a man 25 years younger. Her two previous marriages were to men her own age and they were short-lived. She is no raving beauty and isn't terribly rich but clearly she can hold onto a husband who is good looking and has been in love with her since he was 25. He is the tall, dark and handsome blue-eyed, bearded Austrian at the bottom of the article.

[SilverStar]

I'm a 28 year old female. When I was 20, I dated a 30 year old man for well into my mid twenties. So I know what it's like to date older men. And that relationship was actually very negative, so I had to let him go.

 

At this point in my life, I tend to date younger men. My last several romantic interests have been aged 20-23 ish. And currently, I am seeing a guy who is 21 and it's going great.

 

Now, I know it's not a huge age difference, but people still do comment about it! Calling me a cougar. Uhhh...I'm only 28 people. I used to date older men and even tried to start relationships with men my own age last year. But currently, I'm not interested in anyone over 30. I honestly prefer dating men around the range of early twenties. And probably for the same reasons that some older men like younger women. (And no, I'm not going to blame biology for my preference. lol.) It's as easy as this; Some men like skinny girls, some like big girls. Some like blonde, some like brunette. It's just a preference.

 

The reason I like to date younger men myself is because I find that they have more energy, that they are far more fun, and they haven't developed into bitter-jaded-woman haters. (I find some older men are very bitter.) Plus, younger guys appreciate you FAR more than an older man. As we can CLEARLY see from some of the comments on this thread.

 

So if older guys wanna date younger women, I say go for it. Because I certainly aren't going to date them and I guess SOMEONE has to. (JOKE, JOKE! Just trying to lighten the mood. Haha!)

To each their own. But girls, seriously, young guys are great. Give it a go.

[todreaminblue]

I havent been attracted to younger men but younger men have been attracted to me...i feel the necessity when i have been out to ask for id....as my son used to dat eolder women......when he was 16 17.....made me paranoid.....havent dated a younger man to tell the truth...did fall for one in a lot of ways he is more mature than some of the guys i have had relationships with definitely a deep thinker....intellectually, I have dated older men for this reason, when i was teen I dated a guy a little over double my age...it wasnt sexual at all....more affectionate and intellectually challenging....he taught me a lot, listened to me for hours hadnt had a guy do that was bit of a shock...most guys arent interested in what i have to say, more what i can do, that has been across the board......as far as young men go...i don't need another child to raise i need an equal someone to share dreams and have adult discussions with, someone to explore with...........deb

Edited January 2, 2013 by todreaminblue

[DarkestChapter]

I (22 year old male) asked out a coworker (28 year old female) who I initially thought was my age, and we've been in a great relationship for a little over two months now. It's still a bit early to tell, but I think I am on the verge of falling in love with her. She told me last week that she has strong feelings for me, and she said she is starting to fall for me.

 

Needless to say, she is perfect. She is absolutely beautiful, intelligent, sweet, and has a promising future. What has been irritating me throughout our relationship, however, is that she is 6 years older than me... Despite this, I've always been the one feeling more mature, and even older. She doesn't have a car (which I do) and she still lives with her parents and has never moved out. I have much more relationship experience as well and she's also very immature for her age, and acts more like a 20 year old.

 

The difficulty with this age gap, though, is that we are at different points in our lives. For one thing, she is a PhD student that will be graduating in 3 years, and will begin a promising career. I, on the other hand, just have a Bachelor's degree, am not sure if I'm willing to pursue Graduate school, and I'm not sure what to even do with my life. Finally, and this is what really worries me, her objective in this relationship is different from mine. She told me that she would like to have a kid and raise a family in the near future (she didn't necessarily mean with me, just in general), and that she's at a point in life where she's actively seeking out someone who desires that as well. But I'm 22 years old... I have strong feelings for this girl but in no way do I see myself wanting to get married and raising children in the near future with anyone. I feel like she might be wasting time with me, and I am not sure how long she'd be willing to wait for me to be ready for such commitments.

 

This situation is really making me sick to my stomach. I truly like this girl. I've been in a lot of relationships in the past, but I could honestly say that I have never felt so connected to someone else before, and she told me she feels the same way. I don't know if I should pursue this relationship since I think it's doomed to fail in the long run. I feel like I should end it now, before we get more attached to each other.

Am I crazy or correct?

 

TL/DR: My girlfriend and I have strong feelings for each other and our relationship has been going incredibly well. I'm thinking of ending it with her due to our age gap since she is at a different point in her life than I am.

[Emilia]

Am I crazy or correct?

 

TL/DR: My girlfriend and I have strong feelings for each other and our relationship has been going incredibly well. I'm thinking of ending it with her due to our age gap since she is at a different point in her life than I am.

 

You are not crazy, you are wise. This sort of issue is very common in age gap relationships, I've been there myself in different ways.

 

You need to talk to her, mainly because if she wants kids, she will need to find the right guy in a couple of years or so. At 28 she is young but it takes a while to find the person, spend enough time with him to get married, etc.

 

If she is as immature as you say, she will be probably difficult to talk to but you still need to do that. Don't make a decision on your own, that would be unfair. Let her have her say.

[Balzac]

In a word: crazy!

 

Her PhD is three years into the future. She's less mature but you seem to both be developing feelings. Give this a chance. I'm seeing you putting the baby making about 5 years from now.

[DC4]

 

This situation is really making me sick to my stomach. I truly like this girl. I've been in a lot of relationships in the past, but I could honestly say that I have never felt so connected to someone else before, and she told me she feels the same way. I don't know if I should pursue this relationship since I think it's doomed to fail in the long run. I feel like I should end it now, before we get more attached to each other.

 

 

For completely unrelated reasons, I am in the exact situation. I'm in danger of actually falling in love with someone with whom a long term, sustainable relationship would most likely not work. The thought of breaking up with him makes me damn near cry, but I feel I should before I get even more hurt six months from now.

 

Let me know what you decide to do. This sort of situation sucks :/

[Mrlonelyone]

I am in a simmilar situation in aways. In my case I am the older one and she is the much younger one. Having thought this over from your SO's prespective this is what you need to consider.

 

At 28 she's thinking she'd like to have a kid with the "near future" say 5-7 years. A woman dose not loose her fertility that much until after 40. So you have time.

 

With a PhD 3 years away, odds are she wants to finish her PhD before having that kid. PhD level study is hard work, having a kid + PhD study would be very hard without a husband who could take care of the kid.

 

If she likes you like that then she's already decided to bear with you and wait for you to grow a bit and see what happens. Your 22 now, in three short years you'll be 25 and will have figured much of this out. In the same three years she'll be a PhD. If your still together that long why not get married.

 

 

What will people think.

 

It has to be mentioned and asked, are you engaging in any "supposed to" thinking?

Are you saying to your self.

 

"I'm 22 I'm supposed to date someone my age or younger."

"She's 28 she's supposed to date someone her age or older."

"Isn't she supposed to want to get married in order to have a child?"

 

"What will people think?"

 

Maybe you've dealt with that last one in some form. What will people think. People can be quite judgemental of people in an age gap or reversed age gap relationship. This is also a place where society judgens men and women differently. Ask yourself she was 22 and you were 28 would any of this even be an issue?

 

It's not fair but it is what it is. Could you deal with year and years of being judged by people for being in a reversed age gap relationship? (You can see one such a judgement aimed at your SO in one of the post above regarding her presumed maturity.)

 

One more thing. You work with this person. So breaking up with her means an awkward work environment from here on in. One of you would have to leave and as the breaker upper it probably should be you if that's what you decide to do.

 

TL;DR: I've been in a simmilar place. From the older ones perspective they have thought of all the angles and made a decision to be with you anyway. That means giving you time to grow a bit and get to know eachother*. You also need to ask yourself how much of what you are thinking is just social conditioning which says older man- younger woman is good and normal. Don't forget the consequences this will have for your workplace relationship which would have to endure this break up. (You can't fade on someone you have to see every day.)

[umirano]

Why don't you tell her what you told us? Get her input, and a fair chance to see where she stands when it comes to you.

 

cheers

[DarkestChapter]

Thanks for the advice everyone!

 

We have another date tonight so I think I should tell her my concerns. I think I'm the only one who is preoccupied with our age difference. She doesn't seem concerned about it in the slightest, and I'm wondering if she even considered the issues that are bugging me. I just hope she doesn't take it the wrong way.

[FitChick]

This couple look to be the same age. Interesting that she chose a man who looks like the younger version of her ex-husband.

[FitChick]

Another celeb couple. I can't believe she is 63.

 

These two are married.

[tomtheman1234]

Two things Is it ok for a man to date an older lady? Have any men dated an older lady?

[Alma Mobley]

Well, how much older?

[tomtheman1234]

Lets say that the bloke is in his 30's and the lady is in her 40's

Edited March 29, 2013 by tomtheman1234

[Alma Mobley]

Hm, ok. I am in my 40s and married to a man in his 30s. What makes you think it is not ok? According to whom?

[rocketman122]

The norm or more accepted situation is an older man dating a younger woman but it seems to be more accepted today for the ow/ym scenerio.

 

I'm 41 and have dated and had relationships with many older women from 43 till 60. Age is not a number but you have to be on the same page.

 

The ow/ym works out well because he looks up to her and she feels youthful. It compliments ow when a young guy is interested in them.

 

For most ym though its just a fantasy to see what it's like to bang one.

 

And "more experience in bed" is only a myth as I've had to teach most of them. Even the wild ones were by looking at her you were certain she was a nasty girl behind closed doors. It simply isn't true from my experience.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I HIGHLY recommended it