Consolidated Discussion - Older/younger woman/man and age gap dating

[Candy_Pants]

I've dated older men I called Daddy. Don't see why it bothers anyone else.

[Candy_Pants]

I have a Dad. Better luck next time.

[William]

Let's move on from psychoanalysis of fellow members and back to the general dynamics of age gap dating. Thanks!

 

Edited to add that, sincerely, if you want to challenge moderation, please do it privately. Doing it publicly will just get you suspended. Don't bother. We don't care.

Edited May 10, 2014 by William

[sillyanswer]

Of course, extrapolating from the fact that something is unusual, to the conclusion that it is therefore wrong or sick, would be a rather big logical leap to make. I hope no one here would be doing that.

 

I totally agree.

 

I think it's also worth remembering (and I'm not suggesting that you had forgotten!) that those stats are about marriage not dating, whereas this is a thread about dating. While there's obviously some link between dating and marriage there's also a whole load of dating that goes on with no intent that marriage follows, and dating where marriage could have been an intent for one or both parties but it didn't happen. Those stats don't give us a clear insight into the proportions of age gap dating because of those exclusions.

[Damia]

For me the age gap issue often depends on you own age.

 

My xH is 51 his Ap/Gf is about to turn 32 (19yr gap) she has no children, he has 2 teens and a vasectomy.

They have been together 3 1/2 yrs so I am guessing children are not an issue for her?

They lead a very social heavy drinking life style. That probably suits my xH as he no longer has the family ties and responsibilities.

I can see the positives for him but not so many for her?

 

I myself can not imagine being in her situation with no significant change in her future. (He still has not signed the divorce papers so I'm guessing remarriage is not on the cards any time soon )

 

I also can not at 46 see any attraction in dating a 65 year old man (19 yrs) !

My dad is 69 he is a really great guy ,his friends at similar age are all good blokes too. But certainly not dating material for me

 

As I don't think I will ever have an opportunity to date anyone significantly younger than myself ,my discomfort in that situation is mute.

[thefooloftheyear]

As a guess, Kathy's probably getting it from the USA statistics on marriages, which I would think is a fairly reliable source.

 

Here are the stats via Wikipedia:

Age disparity in sexual relationships - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

According to this survey, only 8.4 % (4.8 + 1.6 + 1.0 + 1.0) of American marriages are between spouses 10 or more years apart in age, and only 2.9% of American marriages are between spouses 15 or more years apart.

 

Obviously, 2.9% of all married couples in America is a small proportion of marriages, but still a HUGE number of couples - I have no idea how many.

 

Interesting, only 7.6% of marriages have the wife 4 or more years older than the husband. So one could conclude that having the husband 4 or more years younger than the wife (7.6%) is approximately as unusual in America as having the husband 10 or more years older (7.4%).

 

Of course, extrapolating from the fact that something is unusual, to the conclusion that it is therefore wrong or sick, would be a rather big logical leap to make. I hope no one here would be doing that.

 

 

Why bother even quoting stats to make a point? (not directing this at you, btw)..The point being that age gap couples have less of a chance of "success"..

 

Here is where all of the stats need to be thrown in the garbage..

 

When you are talking about marriage, its a 50%(+++) chance that it wont work out(divorce) -even if everything is "ideal"...And if you count the marriages of convenience., and all of the other scenarios where they would divorce, but choose to stay in a miserable marriage because of kids, finances or whatever...then the percentage of failure, id bet is over 80%...

 

So whats left??

 

The very rare case where a couple meet and stay happily merried forvever..

 

These stats also do NOT include all of the happy couples that decide, for whatever reason, not to marry....

 

In summary, when you look at the real numbers and hard facts about relationships in general and the failure rate, picking an age appropriate person is no guarantee of anything... Not even close...So why bother worrying about it at that point...

 

We are talking odds that are LESS than those of a coin flip...Not good..

 

TFY

[thefooloftheyear]

Here is how an age gap relationship can work....Ill give this example(I gave it earlierin the thread as well, but Ill elaborate)..The guy is a friend of mine...

 

Him...

 

Business owner, workout nut, very youthful in both appearance and attitude..Super active and into all kinds of outdoor and physical stuff.

 

Her

 

Professional woman, very attractive, physically fit.very well paid.(I believe she makes around 175K)..

 

He's 51 and I think she is around 33 or so..She says hes the best built man she has ever dated...He has kids that are grown and she cant conceive, so they have no issue there...She certainly doesnt need his money, she has more than he does and makes more as well..Ive never seen them display any "disparity" in anything,,,They just look like a happy couple..

 

Hes slightly more active than she is..but they are both pretty fit..She is sharper between the ears than he is, but he isnt a dope..Id say she looks her age and he looks a bit younger...He could probably pass for 40 or so..

 

They have been together for a while now...

 

Why is this such a tragedy?

 

TFY

[joystickd]

Why to the women that are so bent out of shape about older men wanting younger women do you let these few men dictate how you feel about yourself and have so much animosity towards men you never would interact with? YOu all should be blessed they are not in your life. It's like you all have a vendetta against older men and making efforts to ruin their happiness. If you spent that much energy in your own like maybe you could find someone

[Anela]

Why to the women that are so bent out of shape about older men wanting younger women do you let these few men dictate how you feel about yourself and have so much animosity towards men you never would interact with? YOu all should be blessed they are not in your life. It's like you all have a vendetta against older men and making efforts to ruin their happiness. If you spent that much energy in your own like maybe you could find someone

 

And what about the hatred directed to women over a certain age? Why do they feel the need to demonize us?

 

I happen to like myself, most of the time, but it's disheartening when so many men my own age, seem to think that I'm too old for them, when we're the same bloody age. It's insulting, too. And since I'm basically the Somedude of women (sorry, SD, but you know I can relate in ways), I feel like **** when that sort of thing happens. I couldn't give a toss who other women date, as long as they're happy. I'm also not jealous of younger women.

 

Anyway, I had other circumstances that have eased somewhat, but I was basically being gutted self-esteem wise by my sister, who took great joy in it, all because of her husband. Other things I can't talk about. But I was optimistic, two/three years ago. I remember feeling excited at the prospect of meeting these guys online, only to be confronted with the "I prefer someone younger" crowd. Who gives a crap what I'm like/who I am, when they think they can bag someone fresh out of college? I'm not desperate, and could have latched onto someone I wasn't attracted to, if I had wanted to get married so badly.

 

I don't know why I bother saying anything, though: nobody gives a ****.

[joystickd]

And what about the hatred directed to women over a certain age? Why do they feel the need to demonize us?

 

I happen to like myself, most of the time, but it's disheartening when so many men my own age, seem to think that I'm too old for them, when we're the same bloody age. It's insulting, too. And since I'm basically the Somedude of women (sorry, SD, but you know I can relate in ways), I feel like **** when that sort of thing happens. I couldn't give a toss who other women date, as long as they're happy. I'm also not jealous of younger women.

 

So many!!! Please it's not that many men that gravitate towards younger women. Maybe it's other issues they see in you that make them not want to date you. How do you know they think you are too old for them?

 

In general men like attractive women so when a women get rejected to a disheartening point the question is: What are you doing to contribute to your lack of success?

It's easy to point the finger but can you figure out your contribution to your lack of success

Edited May 11, 2014 by joystickd

[123321]

And what about the hatred directed to women over a certain age? Why do they feel the need to demonize us?

 

I don't see that. Most guys have a specific preference, that's all. Chocolate shouldn't get bent if more people choose Tin Roof Sundae, that's just life, it's not demonizing chocolate.

 

 

I happen to like myself, most of the time, but it's disheartening when so many men my own age, seem to think that I'm too old for them, when we're the same bloody age.

 

Guess they want something with some swirls in it.

 

 

I remember feeling excited at the prospect of meeting these guys online, only to be confronted with the "I prefer someone younger" crowd. Who gives a crap what I'm like/who I am, when they think they can bag someone fresh out of college?

 

Well I don't mean to be mean but what happened to all the guys who were after you when you were fresh out of college?

[Robert Z]

Okay. So next do this. 'Honey, I see one gray one up here, right on top. Want me to pull it for you?'.

 

Report back.

 

Oh my, you and I are kindred spirits! That is CLASSIC. I can hardly wait.

 

 

 

Well crap. I got all excited and starting looking at her hair and saying OMG what is that?, but she just freaked out because she thought there was a spider or something in her hair.

 

 

So just to freak her out a little more, I wished her a happy mother's day... for next year. She gasped and nearly choked.

Edited May 11, 2014 by Robert Z

[readynow]

That's true, I'm sure there are people who consider and enter into dating relationships with much older men (or women) and realize it has no real long term potential, but they are there for the short term because of the financial incentives or the need for temporary security. These women don't want an equal, they want a parent to provide for them. All of the women I know in this situation were/are very dependent women who wanted a "parent" to support them so that they could continue to be dependent.

 

KathyM and possibly those who are so against age-gap relationships...

Out of curiosity, since you seem to know why all 'these' women go for older men, what about women who are financially independent and don't need supporting of any kind, well educated, good career, have their own kids, had 2 loving parents complete with present loving fathers, no history of any sort of abuse but happened to fall in love with and marry an equally balanced and sane older man 15+ years her senior? What do you recon is wrong with her?

[readynow]

I am such a person. Approaching late 30s, very financially secure, working on my PhD plus a successful career, been married and divorced, have my own child, don't want more, had (and still have) great parents one of which is a very present father.

 

What would you say is wrong with women like me?

 

Could it be that your experience has skewed the way you judge the rest of the population? I doubt that you know up to 10 people in age-gap relationships personally. Is that enough to see things in just one way?

Edited May 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Response to deleted quote redacted

[RedRobin]

I am such a person. Approaching late 30s, very financially secure, working on my PhD plus a successful career, been married and divorced, have my own child, don't want more, had (and still have) great parents one of which is a very present father.

 

What would you say is wrong with women like me?

 

Could it be that your experience has skewed the way you judge the rest of the population? I doubt that you know up to 10 people in age-gap relationships personally. Is that enough to see things in just one way?

 

 

I don't believe either me or KathyM made any claims that people like you don't exist.

 

 

It is just that healthy age gaps relationships are so rare.... rare that they exist in general. And rare when they are healthy. SO rare, that their general validity to anyone genuinely seeking a real partnership or true compatibility ought to dig deep and question their reasons for seeking them.

 

 

I get it that some people like the power dynamic that comes from large age gap relationships. The younger who needs to be dominated, cared for, or controlled... The older for being emotionally lazy, controlling, and desire to 'parent' a partner.

 

 

Seems like people who prefer large age gaps are on the fringes of the dominant/submissive spectrum. Maybe their attentions ought to be directed that way. Would demonstrate a lot more self-awareness.

 

 

Do I know anyone in large age gap relationships? Yes, I come across them. Popular with people who have a lot of money... and with the perpetual bachelors. Always sad to view a woman selling herself out to the highest bidder, whatever the reason. That is how I view women who date/marry much older men.

 

 

You don't see too many guys doing that. Ask yourself why.

Edited May 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[RedRobin]

Here is how an age gap relationship can work....Ill give this example(I gave it earlierin the thread as well, but Ill elaborate)..The guy is a friend of mine...

 

Him...

 

Business owner, workout nut, very youthful in both appearance and attitude..Super active and into all kinds of outdoor and physical stuff.

 

Her

 

Professional woman, very attractive, physically fit.very well paid.(I believe she makes around 175K)..

 

He's 51 and I think she is around 33 or so..She says hes the best built man she has ever dated...He has kids that are grown and she cant conceive, so they have no issue there...She certainly doesnt need his money, she has more than he does and makes more as well..Ive never seen them display any "disparity" in anything,,,They just look like a happy couple..

 

Hes slightly more active than she is..but they are both pretty fit..She is sharper between the ears than he is, but he isnt a dope..Id say she looks her age and he looks a bit younger...He could probably pass for 40 or so..

 

They have been together for a while now...

 

Why is this such a tragedy?

 

TFY

 

 

It's a 'tragedy' for her, because she's spending the best years of her life... years she MIGHT spend looking for someone she might spend her life with... on a guy who is likely going to drop off a cliff sooner rather than later.

 

 

People in her age group, and younger, don't think about those things because lots of people generally 'look' healthy until they hit 50 or so.

 

 

When he is 61, she will be 43... in the prime of her life. She's in the prime of her life NOW... settling for a guy who has likely reached his plateau and on his way down. That's why it is a tragedy FOR HER.

 

 

Unfortunately for the women, they often don't realize this until it is too late. That's why I don't bother talking to men. We all know what is in it for him. It's the women who need to pull their heads out of their *sses before it is too late.

 

 

OTOH, if she's not interested in spending her life with anyone, then perhaps effing a guy his age for a few more years till he drops off that cliff may not seem like such a bad thing. She can always dump him when he hits 60, and date someone her own age or younger. *shrug*

[thefooloftheyear]

It's a 'tragedy' for her, because she's spending the best years of her life... years she MIGHT spend looking for someone she might spend her life with... on a guy who is likely going to drop off a cliff sooner rather than later.

 

 

People in her age group, and younger, don't think about those things because lots of people generally 'look' healthy until they hit 50 or so.

 

 

When he is 61, she will be 43... in the prime of her life. She's in the prime of her life NOW... settling for a guy who has likely reached his plateau and on his way down. That's why it is a tragedy FOR HER.

 

 

Unfortunately for the women, they often don't realize this until it is too late. That's why I don't bother talking to men. We all know what is in it for him. It's the women who need to pull their heads out of their *sses before it is too late.

 

 

OTOH, if she's not interested in spending her life with anyone, then perhaps effing a guy his age for a few more years till he drops off that cliff may not seem like such a bad thing. She can always dump him when he hits 60, and date someone her own age or younger. *shrug*

 

If anything, he'd be the first to dump her, but I doubt they are going anywhere....She is bonkers for him....And she looks like Katy Perry...Very attractive..

 

And Ill bet you a thousand dollars he will be physically superior to her at 61 than she will be 43...And probablly will be the same at 71 when she is 53...Its a guarantee...Take it to the bank... of course if he doesnt get sick...But that can just as easily happen to her, so thats a wash....

 

Again....you are making huge generalizations about people that dont apply to everyone..If you told her its a tragedy she'd laugh in your face..She doesnt need him for anything...She cant have kids, so thats not an issue and is totally happy with her life..

 

Id figure you would understand this as someone who is physically fit..*shrug*..A guy like myself or him dont bring anything less to the table physically than an age appropriate guy-in a majority of cases we bring more.....Sure, we arent a dime a dozen, but we exist...Im sure that there are legions of twenty something girls with fat asses that have nothing on you...See what I mean??

 

TFY

[readynow]

Seems like people who prefer large age gaps are on the fringes of the dominant/submissive spectrum. Maybe their attentions ought to be directed that way. Would demonstrate a lot . That is how I view women who date/marry much older men.

You don't see too many guys doing that. Ask yourself why.

 

I don't really need to ask myself 'that' - I think people should ask themselves why they have a problem with other people's healthy relationships just because they wouldn't personally choose that dynamic.

 

Saying 'that is how I view women who date / marry older men...' - so if you saw me walking down the road with my older boyfriend/ husband, you'd automatically assume that I was daft and dependent and was being used when it's not the case at all.

 

The dynamic between my partner and I is far from dominant / submissive. He's very much a 'yes sweetheart' sort of man so you are so wrong there too.

 

Not like it affects me in anyway, maybe I'd just like people to be a little more open minded and not assume 'once i've seen one, i've seen them all'.

[Untouched]

I can't believe I just found this thread! I am twenty four and just started dating a man who is 48. I am excited about it. I don't care that he is older and actually, so far, feel like I prefer it like this. I jsut started dating though so I realize I might feel differently if we keep going.

 

I know that a lot of people, especially other women, do not think this is a good thing. One of my best friends feels that way. I respect that. What I do not get though is the idea that young women that want to date older men are somehow victims.

 

I am coming out of a sheltered life and it's a challenge, but I really do NOT think I am going to be a victim of anybody, unless a criminal jumps out and attacks me or something like that. I am going to choose what I do and who I do it with. I am being careful not to get in a situation where I feel pressured or used. I have felt like that dating men my age, so far, though I am SURE all the guys my age are not like that. So far it has been my experience.

 

So I am choosing to try dating this older man. He's not doing anything bad. We are both doing what we wish to do.

[thefooloftheyear]

I can't believe I just found this thread! I am twenty four and just started dating a man who is 48. I am excited about it. I don't care that he is older and actually, so far, feel like I prefer it like this. I jsut started dating though so I realize I might feel differently if we keep going.

 

I know that a lot of people, especially other women, do not think this is a good thing. One of my best friends feels that way. I respect that. What I do not get though is the idea that young women that want to date older men are somehow victims.

 

I am coming out of a sheltered life and it's a challenge, but I really do NOT think I am going to be a victim of anybody, unless a criminal jumps out and attacks me or something like that. I am going to choose what I do and who I do it with. I am being careful not to get in a situation where I feel pressured or used. I have felt like that dating men my age, so far, though I am SURE all the guys my age are not like that. So far it has been my experience.

 

So I am choosing to try dating this older man. He's not doing anything bad. We are both doing what we wish to do.

 

 

Now, Ill admit this has the potential for a train wreck.....

 

 

TFY

[melodymatters]

Hello All,

 

Here's a real story from the "trenches" as it were. I lost my only child Jan 2013 at 19 yrs old. My younger H and I were newly married and had just relocated both for business reasons and to be closer to her and try to help her. Apparently in between his "immaturity" and "just using me for sex" he managed to get me through the darkest days of my life.

 

That first mothers day I told him in advance, "I'm just going to ignore this day as best I can, OK ?", but in an act of compassion and a bit of bravery he made me a huge card declaring this day to forever more be known as " Best Wife Ever Day", and got me a few sweet sentimental gifts.

 

With the dreaded day approaching again, I went off to do my kids shows as I always do on Saturdays and when I returned, he had made an empty space in out home into a reading nook/treehouse sort of space, with some thrift store furniture finds and all my favorite pictures, books and memories displayed.

 

We just hunkered down in our new space and rented movies, ordered in food and he let me know how very much I was loved and not alone in this world.

 

Dealing with a grieving spouse can be such a delicate tightrope to walk, yet this "kid on paper' knew how to navigate it with as much grace as the Dalai lama.

 

We will have been married almost 3 yrs and he is 20 yrs younger. Every day we feel so blessed to have each other to love. Just this morning before work, he kissed me ( as always) and told me waking up with me every day was like waking up and winning the lottery every day.

 

And just like the lottery, with age gap relationships : you just never know ! We have become better, stronger people for having known and loved each other. I hope it lasts a very long time, but regardless I will never regret making the "crazy" decision to give my heart and soul to this man. I doubt I would be here if It wasn't for his strength and support.

 

Thanks for listening.

[thefooloftheyear]

As far as I know Red never dated an older guy. So there goes that theory.

 

Well...Thank God i've never been a victim of child abuse, but I certainly dont go around warning every kid on the street that every adult is going to eventually abiuse them....

 

Nor do I need to launch a crusade against all adults because some are mean and evil....

 

TFY

[Candy_Pants]

Since teaching at a university to (mostly men) in their early 20's, I can't imagine being my age (46) and dating them... although I always get at least one per semester that seems to develop a crush on me.

 

I've done 11 years younger, and 14 years older... max. The man who was 14 years older than me died a month after we were engaged... so I won't be doing that again... Ever.

 

My new rule is +/- about five years.

This is the type of thing I was referring to. AFAIK the poster RedRobin has never admitted to dating someone much older. This poster has and was turned off of the idea after her much older fiance died. And goes on to "warn" others about making the same choice.

 

Seems familiar, no?

[RedRobin]

This is the type of thing I was referring to. AFAIK the poster RedRobin has never admitted to dating someone much older. This poster has and was turned off of the idea after her much older fiance died. And goes on to "warn" others about making the same choice.

 

Seems familiar, no?

 

 

Wow! There ARE alot of similarities!

 

 

Sounds like we have a lot in common. I don't teach at a university. But I do have a PhD and work in research. I was recently offered a teaching job though.

 

 

My fiancée was not much older. 6 years. Nor am I 46. I believe it was only recently that I mentioned that my ex-H was younger than me. I guess I haven't made my partner's age as big a deal as others here. Except for the fact that I think dating much older or younger is a bad idea. The youngest I've dated is 9 years younger. I've had much younger guys hit on me though.

 

I still wouldn't date a guy more than 5 years older for all the reasons I've already stated. Its a pretty common age range.

Edited May 13, 2014 by RedRobin

[RedRobin]

Well...Thank God i've never been a victim of child abuse, but I certainly dont go around warning every kid on the street that every adult is going to eventually abiuse them....

 

Nor do I need to launch a crusade against all adults because some are mean and evil....

 

TFY

 

 

Ok... With all due respect, I'll be the first to wish your daughter well when you give her hand and your blessing to a man your age, or close to it.

 

 

If you don't want it for your own daughter, then you can't want it for someone else's daughter, or sister, or mother either. But I see this kind of hypocrisy all of the time from men when it comes to women and their own dating choices.

 

 

Far be it from me to deny anyone a chance at companionship if they can't manage to find someone relatively close to their own age. Lets not kid ourselves though. That's all I'm saying.

 

 

Edited: Oh, this just occurred to me... On just ONE page, we have examples of three women whose male partners all died before her. Melodymatters, myself, and the one that Candy mentioned. Granted, I believe Melody's first H was younger. Mine, 6 years older. The other poster, 14 years older. Takeaway--> men die sooner than women. But we already know that. Lots of stats back that up.

 

 

Maybe once on this entire thread is there an example of the woman who died before the man.

 

 

Think about that for a second. And tell me again why older men are a better bet for relationships for women??

Edited May 13, 2014 by RedRobin